Winding Road
by YoungBoch
Summary: Set a few years after the last angel falls. AU, but the same characters are preserved. When Asuka ends up in trouble from her own actions, she turns around and soon realizes that there is much more underground than she could have ever imagined. SxA
1. Forked Road

Chapter 1: Forked Road

When the angels stopped showing up, there really was no use for us. Why would there be? Hell, the very point of our existence was to fight them, so why keep around an unused tool? Ayanami, Ikari, and I were far from the only ones affected from it. NERV was torn down exactly a year after the angels disappeared, and since then, we've all pretty much lost contact. Most of the NERV employees found various jobs around the city, but they spread out, and communication is next to nigh. Last I heard, Ayanami was still living in that run down apartment she calls a home… not too sure how she's paying for it though. I honestly haven't the slightest clue about Ikari. As much as I regret and hate myself for it, I made it so I didn't really say goodbye to anyone on the last day of NERV.

That last year living there was… actually, not too bad. It was just like living at a normal home, but with over a thousand other guests. We pilots completed our junior year of high school there, and strangely enough, we all had the exact same classes. Somehow, I think NERV was connected to that. Rei never really changed her cold attitude, but she did happen to make a friend in class despite her behaviors. Shinji and I quit bickering as much once we moved out of Misato's and into NERV, but strangely enough, we did still hang out.

We would always meet up after school at watch TV or something, but I think that was more out of habit from Misato's. However, it was extremely different – we did it and enjoyed it. We would always meet up in his room, he would always cook for me, and we would always watch some show on Discovery… God I miss that. Both Shinji and I went through two relationships during that time, and all of them ended "Just because." By the end of our second relationship, we just so happened to have broken up just a few days apart from each other… I guess you could call it depression, emotional distance, or whatever other psychology babble is out there, but we made each other feel better about being alone that day.

As fate would have it, not even an hour after I left his place, a meeting was called for everyone living in the building. Long story short, we had a week to get our stuff and get out. After I heard that, I made the conscious decision to not communicate with anyone until the building was gone. Why? Because I realized that this place was the only thing holding relationship together – Gendo and Ritsuko, Misato and Kaji, Shinji and I…

I didn't want something this fickle to hold anything together, let alone me, so that was the last night I spoke to Shinji. I believe my last words were "Thank you," but I can't really be sure. From there, I got an apartment fairly close to Rei's, along with a part-time job to help pay for it. Yeah, NERV even left us high and dry in that area. When our senior year started, we didn't have a single class together, and it even went as far as us not having the same lunch schedule. Personally, I call that fate at work.

Roughly four months into school, I made a fairly rash decision based on something temporary. I dropped out and started working full time to help pay for the rent and food, because part time was only paying for one of those. The job was a fairly simple one; I was a hostess at an upper-middle-class restaurant. This went on until a month after my eighteenth birthday, which, by the way, was spent eating ice cream out of a jug. Unfortunately, one of the main qualities of a hostess was to be as pretty as possible. Now, I may have all the curves and the looks, but I wasn't "Asian" enough to satisfy the diner's desires. They wanted a woman of their own culture, so I was fired.

That night, as I was walking home… actually, I was at my door if I remember correctly, a man wearing a fairly decent suit approached me.

"Hey, I was in there and I overheard why you were fired," he was a pretty handsome man, but still had that sleezeball attitude on him, "Tell you what, why don't you come to a party I'm hosting tonight? It'll help you get your mind off your problems."

"I don't have any problems," I continued to fiddle with my keys, trying to get the door open. I wasn't scared of this guy in the least, I was just annoyed.

"Well then," he chuckled as he spoke through that, "Here's a card with my address on it," he has a card? "If you're feeling up to it, feel free to show up any time. See ya around…"

With that, he walked off, leaving me staring at his card. It was professionally done, no question about that, but there wasn't any sign as to why he needed these cards in the first place. I walk inside, grab a beer, and fall back on the sofa. I guess I adopted Misato's habit of getting buzzed before bed, and frankly, I see why she stuck with it.

I stared at the phone for at least an hour, like I do every night, only now there were two options in front of me. One was on that business card, and the other was on an old, wrinkled, purple post-it note with a phone number and "S.I." written on it. I've never called it before – hell, I don't even know if it still works – but tonight I had some incentive. Without much of a thought, and after over a year of staring at it, I stand up and dial the number. It rang a few times, and when I thought it was going to click over to voicemail, there was an answer of a typical nature. My mouth froze… hearing his voice again was… amazing. He obviously grew up since the last time I saw him, but I know that I haven't. With head hanging low, I hung up the phone and grabbed the card, leaving the house and an alternate fate behind me.

The party was, to put it simply, amazing. It started off with just some simple drinks, socializing with some people, the typical party routine. This routine followed suit in a room in the back, where I was lead by a guy I was talking to for quite awhile. The routine did, however, change up just slightly. That was the night I was introduced to something a little harder than alcohol, and I turned out to love it. To be completely honest, I was ignorant on exactly what I was taking, but it felt good. Good enough for me to want more, good enough for me to spend the night, and good enough to make me want to spend the night with a man… any man.

When I finally came down, I was still in bed, my clothes in an oddly neat pile across the room. The guy was gone, but I could still hear TV in the background, so someone was home. With as much dignity as I could muster, I got dressed and walked out of the house without a word. When I finally got home, I started bawling as soon as the door closed, something I wanted to do the entire walk home. Crying on the floor in the fetal position, the full impact of what I did hit me. I took a handful of God only knows what, and… I needed a shower…

I'm still in that same shower, now going on the fourth hour of it. The hot water ran out long ago, but I don't care. I'm pretty sure I'm still crying, but it's too hard to tell with all this water around me. Looking back on my life, I actually miss the old me. At least back then I had friends… what do I have now? With a deep sigh, I shut off the water and dry myself off. I threw on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt – I doubt I'll be going anywhere today.

The next hour was spent staring at a blank television while I sat on the sofa. The clothes that I tore off still make a line towards the shower, reminding me of what happened. Now that I look back with a clear head, I think that I took either ecstasy or roofies… something that comes in a pill anyway. As much as I hate to admit it, I actually did enjoy the drug itself, just not the after effects of it, and frankly, I'm craving it. The high that I was on was like nothing I've ever felt before. I was special for those few hours! I loved myself! And I need it again… what am I doing? I know damn well what'll happen if I do that! I'm a smart girl! I know the effects of crap like that!

"But I need it…" I curled up in a ball, wrapping my arms around my legs, not trusting that they won't head for the door. Am I addicted to this already? I only did a few hits of it… no, I'm not addicted to the drug itself. I want the feeling. The feeling that I'm on top of the world, just like I used to be. Suddenly, I realize I'm crying again… I haven't cried in years, and today I've done nothing but. Hours pass without me moving an inch, and I'm sure I've dozed off a few times. I've been trying to make myself call Shinji again, but what could he do? I doubt he'd even talk to me after what I did to him, and I don't blame him. It's a stupid idea… just forget about it.

With a pull of courage, I finally stand up and begin to pick up the clothes I threw. I never plan on wearing them again, which is really a shame, seeing as it was my favorite outfit. Regardless, when I pick up the jeans, a small tablet fell out of the pocket and onto the floor. I pretended like I didn't see it and continued on my way towards the trashcan, tossing all the fabric inside. Once again, I sit on the sofa and turn on the TV, but I did nothing but watch that little blue pill stare up at me. Without really realizing it, I began to sweat thinking about taking it. No one is here, so really, nothing could really happen. And this'll be the last time, right? Right, because there's no way of me getting more… just one more time…

A/N – Well, I tried continuing an old story, and that didn't really go too well, so I started up this one. Not too sure where it's going, but so far I like it. Check out the next chapter, Honey; until then, keep on keepin' on!


	2. Honey

Chapter 2: Honey

Months have passed since I tried that pill on the floor, and to be completely honest, I've embraced this lifestyle. I've lost track of the day, and I haven't been home in ages, but I don't really miss it. I went back to that house that introduced me to the harder stuff, and it's almost become my home since then. I have a steady supply of anything I want – roofies, ecstasy, coke, heroine, tranqs, you name it – and all I really have to do is use my looks. Dee, as the original man makes me call him, has made this transition fairly easy for me. Sure, I tried to reject it when I first came here, but the only way to get me fix is to give him his, and any friends he happens to bring over. I'm always the life of the party when he has them, which is at least twice a week, so there's at least that.

I'm not stupid though, I at least started myself on a regiment of contraceptives… not like a baby could live in this body anyway. Lately, I've been quite fond of the powder, but I go in spurts of all different things. When I first began this, it was only ecstasy, and only because it made the whole payment process easier. Eventually, I got used to a stranger's touch, so I moved on from that and onto heroine. I didn't want any trail marks on my arms, so I always shoot up on my inner thigh – that way it can't really be seen.

That whole stereotype that all druggies are ugly is so far from true – I look exactly the same as when I started all of this! I have to say, I'm quite happy about this, that was one of my main concerns. Now, my driving force to stay beautiful is so I can continue my supply. No one wants a druggie in the first place, let alone an ugly one.

Dee's having another one of his parties tonight, and I'm cleaning up the place as he asked. I'm actually looking forward to tonight, as I have been with most of the parties. After I finally got over the whole shyness about selling myself, I actually got into it. I get to enjoy two things at once; the drugs and the feeling of another man. I almost always finish before he does, but even when I don't, there's another guy waiting not too far behind. I know what I've become, and I know where my future's headed, but I try not to think about that…

The first man to show up came with a bottle of vodka. I've never seen him before, and frankly, he looks too clean cut for this sort of thing… on the other hand, so do I. from then on, people were coming in every couple of minutes, and I stopped paying attention. There was already a party going on in the back, so I didn't waste any time. My first hit was of coke, just to get it going, but this is a virgin bunch tonight, in more ways than one. As such, it was just slightly dull for me. With a sigh, I get up and head out to where the main group is and grab a beer.

"So, you entertaining the guests or what?" Dee puts his hand on my shoulder, making me jump slightly.

"Not a single one of them has even seen a needle, what do you want me to do with that?" I walk off without making eye contact and towards the original man that walked in here. He was leaning against the wall with a beer, looking quite bored, "Hey, what you up to?"

"Huh? Oh, I'm just waiting for my girl to show up," the thought of him bringing his girlfriend here made my skin crawl.

"Have… you ever been to parties like this?" he just shakes his head, "Listen, you don't want your girlfriend here."

"And why not? She's pretty sheltered, I just wanted her to experience some of the night life, you know?" I don't want another girl falling into what I've gotten myself into.

"No, I get that, but girls in here are-"

"Oh, there she is! Come on, I want you to meet her," he walked towards the door to meet up with a fairly pale girl that looked all too familiar. I followed him, praying to God she doesn't recognize me… of course, I don't see why she wouldn't.

"Asuka?" damn it… "What are you doing here?" her voice hasn't really changed much, but it at least has some emotion behind it. Her clothing style was, to say the least, the complete opposite of what she used to wear. Of course, she was only fifteen back then, she's a woman now, and she apparently has no problems showing it. She was in a very low-cut top, showing off the gifts she apparently got with puberty, and her long, flawless legs met up with a short skirt.

"Oh, just checking out the scene, you know…" please don't let her know I'm already high… "Listen, you should get out of here, this isn't you're kind of party," she only let out a small laugh.

"Asuka, I know what I'm doing here, I'm just trying to have some fun. Is it an open bar?" yeah, but not with alcohol… she walks past me and towards the table full of drinks, catching more than a few glances.

"I take it you two know each other," I glare up at the man for all I'm worth.

"If you don't get her out of here, she'll be on more than alcohol tonight. Girls like her turn into girls like me… just leave," completely ignoring what I just said, he walks past me and towards Rei. Becoming furious, I storm over to where they were standing, only to be stopped by Dee grabbing me.

"Hey, why don't you introduce our new guest to the special room? She looks like she could use a party," for the first time, I spoke up against Dee.

"No, she's a friend, I don't want her in there, I-" with a twist of my wrist, he made me stop talking, "S… Sorry…"

"Good girl," he releases me, "Now do as I say and introduce her to some new friends. She obviously has some money, she could bring in some to me," swallowing my dignity, I walk over to the couple with new found beers in their hands. They didn't notice me right away, and I stood there for what seemed like an eternity before I put my hand on Rei's shoulder.

"So, you want a real party Ayanami?" she only smirks at me, "Put down the beer, come on," the couple do as I said and follow me into the back room. They're lucky they didn't come on a more serious night – all that was going on in there was a little ecstasy and LSD.

"This is more like it," Rei's sure become bold over the years, "Come on, let's try something!" she grabbed her boyfriend's wrist and sat down in front of the table with the goods on it.

I didn't do anything while in the room, but I was itching so badly to. However, I needed to keep a clear mind and an eye on Rei. They've already done two hits of ecstasy and one hit of LSD together, and she was currently on top of him kissing. Surprisingly enough, their clothes stayed on, even with that much in them. With a sigh, I finally gave in and decided to take just a couple hits of acid, I couldn't handle the feeling of being down anymore. As always, I ended up straddling the guy that gave the hits to me, kissing him as he lifted up my shirt. As it was raised up and over my head, I glance over at Rei and her man, who managed to get into the full swing of the drug without me noticing… such an innocent girl, completely exposed… just like I was…

With a sigh, I let the usual happen, but I was a little comforted in the knowledge that I wasn't the only girl in the room this time. Rei and her man finished up long before my guy did, and they left, leaving me behind. I wanted to get up and follow them so badly, but that little smirk Rei gave me told me that she thought this man was my boyfriend… I didn't want her to know the truth. From that point on, I was a doll – I couldn't move, and I really just didn't care anymore. Five guys came and went, all leaving me in the same spot the found me… I just wanted to die. I've become what I always hated and been disgusted of, but I can't do anything to change it. Was this going to be my life from now on? I know that I wouldn't be able to live without the drugs, but I can't stand selling my body anymore.

The party ended, people left, and I was still on the now wet floor. I curled up into a ball, went to sleep, and prayed that I wouldn't wake up the next morning. Of course, the morning did come, and my alarm was in the form of me craving a hit of something – anything. I loaded up a nearby needle with the black death, and let it consume me once more. I really have to snap out of this… there's gonna be another party tonight, an dif I plan on getting my supply, I can't be a ragdoll like last night.

I woke up at around two in the afternoon, and knowing that another party was going to start in about three hours, I had work to do. I threw on my clothes, entered the main room, and started to clean. I planned on taking a shower before the guests started arriving, but the place was such a mess I didn't have time.

"Hey, Red," Dee walked up behind me and slapped my butt, "Good job last night, but I've got some high rollers coming in tonight. I want you to keep them happy, you hear me? Don't mess tonight up like you did yesterday," I just continued to clean without a word. From that moment, I made my first conscious decision in months – I had full intentions of ending it all tonight after the party. Not like it'll be hard, a few hits of heroine and it'll be over… it'll be better this way, won't it?

I took my place in the special room, awaiting the various guests to come and go as they please. Within the hour, the house was blasting with music and the room was full of junkies, all not paying too much attention to me… which, quite frankly, was a little disappointing. Have I become ugly through all of this? Maybe what I see in the mirror and what I am are two different things.

Standing up and feeling a little defeated, I walk out into the main room and instantly spot a handsome man with a ponytail reaching about upper mid-back. If this guy was into the scene, he was definitely a dealer – way too clean cut… and suddenly, I felt that primal urge, wanting him. Dee did tell me to entertain guests, who says I can't have fun with it? This guy won't exactly be a bad lay, and more than enough for my last time. I walk over and put my hands on his shoulders, whispering in his ear.

"Hey honey, you want a real good time? I'll show you things you didn't know exsisted…" I still couldn't see his face, but his hair smelled amazing.

"Sorry," my eyes instantly widen and my stomach falls to the floor, "I'm only passing through," I back up from the man, covering my mouth in fear that I'll vomit. He turns around with a smile that slowly fades as he looks at me. Tears start pouring down my face as I realize he recognized me, "As-"

"I'm so sorry!" pushing people out of the way, I jet out of the house for the first time in weeks. I hear him yelling at me as he tries to chase after me, but I won't let him get close to me… I won't let him see what I've become… I soon fine a hole in a chain link fence leading to an abandoned field. I can feel my feet start to bleed as I run barefoot through the brush, but I'm far from caring. I huddle myself up against a wall, praying that he won't find me.

I keep on repeating 'Oh God' between breathes, unable to believe what just happened to me. What is he even doing there? Please don't tell me he's into that scene! Feeling both physical and mental pain, I put my hands against my face, running my fingers through the red hair and pulling as hard as I could. I want to die! Why can't I just die?! I can't even go back there now, there's no way Dee will give me anything but a beating… I just want to die… I fall over into the dirt and cry, huddling myself into a ball. I scream at the top of my lungs in pure frustration and hatred. I haven't cried like this in my life, and it's still not enough…

I jump out of my skin as I feel a hand on my shoulder. Against all my prayers, I look up and see that same smiling face I used to love through the tears. Without so much as a single thought, I lungs at him and hug him as hard as I could, still sobbing into his shoulder. He returned the favor, just making me cry harder. I haven't so much as seen him since that night, and the first words out of my mouth to him are offering sex… I'm such a whore…

Without a word, he stands me up and takes me hand with a smile. He's grown up so much… he actually looks like a man now. I always pictured him in some cubicle office, but there's no way he's gotten this muscular from doing that. Without a word, we got into his car, me still silently crying the entire time. Whatever he's doing with his life, he's obviously doing it well… I don't know much about cars, but this obviously wasn't a cheap one.

"You can stay with me as long as you want. You hungry? I can pick something up if you want," I was too mortified to say a word, "Well, if you get hungry, I can always make something," his voice is still as soft and caring as it used to be. His looks may have changed, but nothing about his personality has. The car ride was done in complete silence, not even the radio was playing… it was awkward, to say the least. During the ride, I calmed down a little and really began thinking.

I really shouldn't impose on him like this, should I? I mean, just because I threw my life away doesn't mean he should take care of me. I'm not some child. On top of that, what about the drugs? I've been on them way too long, there's no way I can just go cold turkey on them… I honestly don't think I can handle going through withdrawal. I guess I don't have much of a choice but to go back to Dee, regardless of what he does to me. I'll leave later on tonight, when he's asleep…

"Well, here we are," the car comes to a stop in front of a house – not an apartment, a house. How could he only be nineteen and have a place like this? High school just barely let out a few months ago, at least I think… has it been that long? How old are we? "You can go ahead and get in the shower, I'll start making some food," he guides me into the house and casually points to the bathroom as he walks to the kitchen, leaving me dumbfounded and standing in the middle of the living room.

His house was the stereotypical bachelor's pad. Only the necessities were around – a sofa, television, a few chairs, nothing too fancy. There were a couple pictures hanging on the walls; one of him, Rei, Toji and Kensuke at some park, one of him and his father, who have apparently rekindled their relationship, and one of him, Rei and I back when we were piloting. The floors were solid wood, and by the looks of it from outside, the house was much bigger than what I was seeing. Without a word, I walk towards the bathroom and shut the door. Taking off the muddy clothes, I throw them in the corner, never really planning on wearing them again. I look at myself in the mirror and realize what Shinji was seeing. My hair was a matted mess, the bags under my eyes could carry a family's cargo, and I was paler than Rei. I was happy, however, to see that all of this wasn't really an issue in the long run. Nothing a little tanning, a good night sleep, and a comb couldn't fix. My body was still just fine outside of the faint dots on my inner thighs. I climbed into the shower, turn on the water, and feel the dried tears disappear from my face.

I tried to not stay in there too long, knowing that he was waiting for me outside. As I got out, I saw that he had set out some of his clothes for me on the counter… he was in here? No, they must have been there before, the door's locked. Goes to show me just how organized he still is – he even sets out his clothes before the shower! Praying that he doesn't mind, I took the clothes and put them on. It felt weird not having a bra, but there's not much I can do about that… I really didn't want to wear the other one. I walk out to see him sitting on the sofa, watching TV like nothing's out of the ordinary.

"Thanks…" he turns around and looks at me wearing his oversized shirt and basketball shorts.

"Oh, don't worry about it," he turns back around and continues to stare tat the television, "I made some mac n' cheese, sorry it's not much. I usually eat at wor-… out," what was that? Ignoring it, I take a seat next to him. He continues to stare at the TV.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" he looks at me with a confused face, "Oh come on, don't pretend like you didn't see anything. I appreciate what you're doing, but don't do it if you're looking for a pat on the back. You picked up a whore, and let me tell you something, this isn't Pretty Woman," he just hangs his head and laughs.

"Listen, Asuka, you've been through a lot tonight. Go eat, go to bed, leave, whatever, I don't care. I'm just trying to help out a friend, okay?" since when did he become so aggressive? And who does he think he is talking to me like that?! "You can sleep in the room next to the bathroom. Make yourself at home," with a huff, I stand up, grab the bowl of pasta he made me, and went to bed.

A/N – Yeah, if you're expecting a big turn around from the angst, keep dreaming. I usually write drama and romance, but this story is under the category of angst and romance… expect a lot more of this! Check out the next chapter, Filth; until then, keep on keepin' on!


	3. Filth

Chapter 3: Filth

I slept amazing! For the first time in years, I was in a comfortable bed with clean sheets! Beyond that, though I would never say this out loud, the pillow smelled exactly like him… and I loved it. My euphoria, however, was extremely short lived, as almost as soon as I woke up, I had a deep craving for the stuff that's been keeping me alive and dead at the same. Almost without thinking, I stand up and walk out of the room, almost instantly running into Shinji.

"Oh, hey, you sleep good?" he must have just woken up himself, seeing as he was in lounging clothes.

"Oh… uh, yeah…" I saw him glance down at my shaking body, "I wasn't going to the house… if that's what you were thinking…" I blurted that out quite randomly, but I can barely think straight right now. He just gave me a sweet smile.

"Well that's good. Don't think I'm ignorant by the way, I know what you're going to be going through here pretty soon," he walks past me and into the kitchen, grabbing two glasses, "Just wanna let you know that I'm here for you," he filled the glasses with milk and handed me one.

"Thanks…" we both take a seat on the sofa, "So, what are you doing to afford this place?"

"Oh, well, I'm working a fairly decent job. Good hours, great pay, you know. What about you? Where do you live?" I avoided eye contact with him, "Oh… sorry… well here," he handed me the remote, "Turn on anything you like. I want you to be comfortable."

"There's no such thing as comfortable right now," I manage to let out a small laugh as I turn on the television, which was already on a comedian, "So, Shinji…" he responds with a 'hm?', "I just wanna say that I'm sorry about leaving."

"Eh, don't worry about it. I know that we were only having fun, nothing serious," is that what he thought? "Gotta say though, I can't believe I didn't see you around during high school. Funny how fate works, huh?" he didn't know I dropped out? Better leave that alone, I don't want him thinking any less of me than he already does.

"Heh… yeah… so, that was just fun for you? It wasn't anything else? I mean, we were each other's first," I can't believe I just said that! I'm not in the right state of mind right now, I can't be around him!

"Well, yeah, but we never really had a relationship before that. We just kind of went with it. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it, but I just didn't think that you-"

"I do!" oh God… I covered my mouth with a shaking hand. I slam down the glass on the table next to me, rush into my room, and slam the door, "I can't believe I just said that…" I whisper to myself under my breath. Feeling even worse than last night, I crawl into bed and cover up my head with the covers. Today is going to suck so bad…

Somehow, I managed to drift off to sleep for about two hours, but I was violently awoken by my own bodily tremors. I hold my hand up to the light to see it shaking violently, and soon realize that the sheets were wet with sweat. I curl up into my normal ball position and try to keep myself still, which soon proved to be impossible. I knew exactly what was happening, but I had no idea it was going to be this bad… I've never wanted a hit so bad in my life…

"Asuka?" Shinji was at the door.

"Don't come in…" my voice was shaking just as much as my body, and it was almost in a pleading tone. Regardless of my order, he opened he door and sat in the bed, wrapping his arms around me, "Stop it… don't look at me…" he just strokes my hair, calming me down just slightly.

"It's okay, you'll be done soon," still in the ball, I cry into my knees silently. I hate this! I can't even keep a straight thought, and my body won't react to a single thing I'm telling it to do! How am I supposed to get through this? What if I die here? I actually think I'd be okay with that.

"Leave… please…" I don't want him looking at me like this! The shaking is slowly starting to calm down, but it's only been an hour – I can tell from the alarm clock next to my bed. I know withdrawals don't go away this fast… but maybe it is almost over. I mean, it's not like I've been on the stuff for years, right? With a deep sigh, I was finally able to stop most of the shaking.

"There, see?" I look up at him and smile for a brief moment before my stomach starts to twist like crazy, and I know what's about to happen. I push him off the bed and vomit a vile black fluid on the floor.

"Oh God…" I'm so dizzy… I can't breathe… I lay on my back and press my palms against my eyes as hard as possible, trying to get the filth out of me. My body is squirming in pain, but I can actually control it at this point. There's voices speaking to me from all directions, and I can't make out a single one of them. I can't open my eyes in fear that Dee will be standing over me with a syringe, taking me back to his world… I know he's there… he's always there!

I know I'm screaming, but I can't hear a single sound of my own – the only sounds are the voices filling my head. Did that bastard Ikari slip me something? Or was it Dee? This isn't natural! I can't stand the pain anymore! Every single cell in my body is screaming at me, and I just can't stop them. I can feel the cuts on my feet tearing open again as I writhe in pain, and I think I just vomited again. This feels like a dream that I'll just wake up from – I'll be in my room at Misato's place, yelling at Shinji to make me breakfast. I'll go to NERV, train, come home, and watch TV like I do everyday… but I know this isn't a dream. It's not a dream!

With a deep gasp, I open my eyes to see Shinji pinning my shoulders down against the bed. My body is still in agony, but I can hold still. Our eyes meet, and that's when I see that he's crying… he's actually crying… I let my head hang to the side and look at the clock. I was in there for how many hours? It's already eight at night… was he here the whole time? My clothes are absolutely drenched with sweat, but I'm still alive…

"Thanks…" I managed to mutter a single word before I either pass out or fall asleep, I'm not sure which one.

A/N – Short chapter, I know, but the goal was accomplished. In case you were wondering, black vomit is a common thing in heroin junkies, and is caused by bleeding somewhere in the intestinal tract. Anywho, not too sure where this is going, but I like it so far. Check out the next chapter, Meeting; until then, keep on keepin' on!


	4. Meeting

Chapter 4: Meeting

When I finally woke up, it was well into the afternoon, and my entire body was sore from last night's events, but I'm just happy it's over. I've heard of withdrawals lasting days on end, so I suppose I got off easy. I sit up and stretch my arms above my head, realizing just how much I was sweating last night. With a small laugh, I get up out of bed and head towards the shower, almost tripping on the sleeping Shinji on the floor. He must have stayed up all night to make sure I was okay… poor guy… I gotta make up what he did for me somehow.

I fold up his clothes and place them in the sink, realizing that there was a fresh pair already waiting for me on the counter. With a small smile, I enter the shower and, for the first time in quite awhile, really take care of myself with what he had available. I completely shampooed and conditioned my hair, washed every inch of my body, and shaved off any unwanted hairs. It felt good to be clean again, and I have to say, I don't look half bad considering what went on last night. I took my sweet time blow drying and styling my hair, and really, I would have put on a little make up if there was any. Finally, I threw on the clothes awaiting me and went into the kitchen. Not really knowing where anything was, it took me quite awhile, but I managed to get a pot of coffee brewing within the half hour.

"How you feeling?" I turn to see Shinji walking out of the room, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"MUCH better, thank you," I really couldn't help but hug him. I have to say, I always thought that the drugs made everything better, but in reality, I haven't felt this good in ages, regardless of the fact that every muscle in my body hurts. Leaning back, I look up at him, "I made you some coffee, I hope you like it strong," we spent a good ten seconds in this position, neither of us realizing we were in each other's arms… that is, until the coffee timer went off, snapping us back to reality. We both pulled back quickly, embarrassed at the situation, "How do you take it?" the words came out quickly as I turned around, heading towards the machine.

"Black," his answer was just as quick as mine.

"Black? How can you take that? Way too bitter for me," I poured his coffee into the cup, tossing in an ice cube to cool it down, "Personally, I like it a little more sweet. Milk and sugar always do it for me, but the fancy creams are the best!"

"Oh, well then I'll be sure to pick some up today when I'm out. You need anything else?" I walk around the corner holding our drinks.

"You're leaving?" well duh, he's gotta pay for this place somehow.

"Yeah, unfortunately I'll be working pretty late tonight. I'll be back at around one, so you don't have to wait up tonight," he takes a sip of the coffee and quickly sets it down, "Oh yeah, here," he grabs something off the table behind him, which turned out to be a wallet, "I know you don't really have any other clothes, and I doubt you want to be walking around in my stuff all day," he hands me a gold card, "There's a mall about three blocks from here, just make a left when you get out of the house."

"Shinji… I can't take your money, I have no way of paying you back," I tried to pass the card back to him, but he just turns around and heads for his room.

"Don't worry about it, just keep it under twenty thousand," I can't believe what he just did for me…

A/N – 20,000 yen is about $200

"You know, I won't be a burden on you forever. I'm going to start looking for a job today," feeling slightly embarrassed, I tried to make up for my shortcomings.

"No you're not, you need to rest. Go to the mall, come back home, okay?" did he just say home? "You can look for a job next week if you want, but not today," if I want? What is he trying to say? I mean, I appreciate everything he's doing for me, but I don't like how he's acting we're engaged or something. Bringing a whore home doesn't mean free sex!

"Shinji," I was about to give him a piece or two of my mind, but he cut me off by opening the door from his room and walking towards me while tying his tie.

"Yeah?" I just gave a fake smile and shook my head, "Well, okay then, I'll see you later. Have a good day," and with that, he left me standing in the middle of the room holding his credit card.

Now just what am I supposed to do now? I mean sure, I'm SUPPOSED to go to the mall, but I feel bad doing it. I've never been one to take things for free, and this just feel wrong. I mean, there's nothing I could do to pay him back for what he's given me… and beyond that, I don't want to go out like this! I've never entered the outside world dressed this poorly, and even worse than that, my face looks like death froze over. Sure, I primped myself up quite a bit this morning, but there's only so much a girl can do with limited supplies. I've never been one to wear makeup, but right now, I need it. Maybe I'll just go out tomorrow in hopes that I'll be looking better by then…

"Yeah, that's for the best," I throw myself back onto the sofa, staring up at the ceiling as I let my head hang back over the sofa. As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think I'd go out even if I was a modern day Aphrodite. Even though the worst of it is over, I can still feel my body struggling to the sudden change without some kind of drug. Even worse than that, I don't completely trust that I wouldn't go back to Dee once I leave this house… I've never needed a hit so bad in my life…

A thought that would disgust most people, I would like nothing more than to feel the warm black heroin travel up my arm… that feeling is amazing… stop it! Jesus, do you not remember what it does to you?! You used to be a proud strong girl, and now you're so low you'd lay any man for a hit! God only knows how polluted I've become! I'd honestly be amazed if I don't have some kind of disease!

"Not again," in a whining tone, I finally acknowledge that the fact that tears are running down either side of my face. I hate being in my own skin. It's too filthy in here… I wonder if I'll go back. I mean, sure, it's real cute to say that I never will, but what the reality? The fact of the matter is that I love the drugs, I'm not going to lie about that. Hell, if it wasn't for the payment process, I probably would have never left. However, there's no getting around it, it's my only way of paying my dues. I guess in retrospect, it really wasn't that bad until people I knew started showing up… but then what does that say about me? I'm just fine being a prostitute around strangers, but once people I know come into the picture, it's suddenly wrong and embarrassing?

What future do I have with him anyway? This isn't some fairy tale – Shinji can say whatever he wants, but I know he's disgusted with me. Why shouldn't he be? I mean, really, assuming we did kindle some sort of relationship, how far could that really go? We'd never be able to sleep together in fear I might have something, and even if we did, there's no way a baby could live with me. Plus, he probably has a girlfriend anyway… no way a guy like that is alone. I've finally stopped crying, but only because I've woken up from this dream. This was fun and all, seeing him again, but I just don't belong here. I mean really, no druggie has ever gone clean overnight and left the stuff for good. I'm only delaying the inevitable by staying here.

With my mind almost completely blank, I leave the credit card Shinji gave me on the sofa, walk towards the door, and leave the house, knowing consciously just how stupid what I was doing was. I was able to find my way back to Dee's through landmarks I knew I saw while at his place – I was never really one for directions, so I took quite awhile. Regardless, I made it there eventually, confident that this was going to be the last door I walk through, as there's really no reason for me to leave this place. The floor was still a complete wreak from the party a couple nights ago, but nothing so bad I couldn't walk through it. In my mind, I pictured Dee becoming absolutely furious with me when our eyes met, but in reality, he acted as if I didn't exist. I saw him in the kitchen, smoking a cigarette over the sink like he always does. I must have stood there staring at him for five minutes before he finally broke the silence.

"Not as glamorous as you thought it'd be, huh?" I just stay silent, hands laced behind my back. He turned his head to show a calm, yet somehow angry face, "What, I'm too low for you to talk to now? Is that it?" now his voice is gaining in power as he walks over to me, "Well let me tell you something," he grabs my wrist from be behind me, forcing me closer to him, "I haven't seen a whore as low as you in my life," still staying silent and looking at the floor, he only becomes more furious. I wanted to speak, I really did, but I knew anything I said would only make it worse, "Bitch, look at me when I'm talking to you!" with a quick motion, he slams the end of his cigarette into the fold on my arm. I bit down on my lip, as to not let out a scream, and look up at him through the tears. He face twists into a sadistic smile, "Much better. Now, start cleaning up. I hate it when this place is a mess," how was he so sure I was coming back? Maybe I was right, I do belong here…

"When… can I have…?" I just left it at that as I started picking up empty beer cans.

"Finish up around here and I'll see. You know, you really messed up the other night – because of you, some of my suppliers think I can't handle a simple whore, let alone my product," he lights up another cigarette, "That being said, you're not gonna get as many free-bees any more. Sure, the sex used to pay the bills for you, but I'm getting a little tired of… well, that," he points at my hips in a demeaning fashion, "But, that's not to say other people will be. After all, you are a cute girl, still a teenager, and quite exotic. A lot of guys like that, you know?" he can't be suggesting what I'm thinking… doing that in this house was bad enough, but…

"Is… there another way?" he just raised his eyebrows in pure surprise.

"Seriously? You're out for one night and you come back all pure?" I just continue to clean as he lets out a small laugh, "Fine, I'll tell you what," he walks past me and into the back room, coming out a few minutes later with a pre-filled syringe. He grabbed my wrist and made me straighten out my arm, "A little shot of this and you'll remember why you stayed," I yank my hand back from him, avoiding all eye contact while still holding an arm full of clothes in the other hand, "Oh yeah, that's right, you wanna stay pretty, don't you? Fine then," as he began to walk past me, he stabbed the needle into my back upper thigh, making me let out a small yell. I immediately took it out, instinctively looking at it to make sure it all went in.

A/N – Now really, who didn't see that coming? She was right though; once a druggie, always a druggie. Anyway, I'm glad that from the reviews I've gotten, you guys are enjoying it. I was actually a little worried that it was getting too boring with so little speech, but apparently that's just fine. Also, I've been meaning to say this, but I don't have a proofreader, so I apologize for any mistakes. Anyway, Asuka is back, and she's probably going to stay there after what she went through with that withdrawal last time. Will her knight in shining armor save or her dump her? Find out in the next chapter, Forceful; until then, keep on keepin' on!


	5. Forceful

Chapter 5: Forceful

In all honesty, I think that there was a small part of me hoping that Shinji would come back that same day… but that was an extremely small part. I have to say though, the drugs have never felt so good after I went through withdrawal that first time, especially when I started off on the hard stuff. That first shot Dee gave me was more than enough to get me going, but I knew what I had to do to get more from him. What did I expect though? Why would he give me all this for free the rest of my life? I guess it's not so bad, at least now I can make them wear condoms. Plus, the money comes in a lot faster and a lot differently than I imagined. While I was on the streets the first few days, I eventually got a clientele that would come to the house, so I never really had to leave. It was a lot safer this way.

I mean sure, now I guess I officially have the title of prostitute, whereas before it was more of exchanging favors, but in reality nothing's really changed. Luckily for me, I'm able to charge quite a bit more than other girls like me – like Dee said, I'm exotic, I'm way curvier than the other girls, and I'm still a teenager… at least I think. I know my birthday was coming up, but… what's the date? Like it matters, that's one of my pitches, I wouldn't lose that.

Plus, now that I don't have to wait for Dee to come to me, I have my own money and I can buy my own product whenever I want. I don't think that I've been sober for more than five minutes in the last few weeks, outside of sleeping of course. I gotta say, as much as I hated the thought of this before, this actually isn't too bad.

Well… that's when I'm on something. On the off chance that I don't have enough money or Dee runs out of product, the full impact of what I'm doing hits me… and I hate myself. Sure, I know what I'm doing even when I'm high, but when I'm down, I know what I've become. I really hate days like that, which come about once a month, and I'm barely able to leave my bed… this is one of those days. Dee ran out of product last night after he made a huge unexpected deal with some Mexican, leaving me high and dry. He said that he's making a trip later on tonight to get more, but I really don't think I can last that long…

For 'rainy days' like this, as I have come to call them, I've taken up a new hobby. It's subtle, it doesn't really affect me too much, and it helps get through the day. I often through about resorting to cutting, but after talking to another girl, she offered me something just as good, but won't leave a scar. And hey, the needles are already here, the holes are already on my legs, so why not?

Another side effect of these days is that I realize just how decrepit I've become. No, I still haven't gained that coke whore look about me, but when I don't make myself up, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. I spend most of the day huddled up in the corner my bed makes with the wall, stroking my own hair in twitchy, quick motions, unable to control the fine motor of my hands. This room is something strait out of a documentary used to scare middle schoolers out of drugs… used syringes all around, dirty carpet, wallpaper peeling off, bars on the small window, and only a mattress on the floor – no sheets, no box spring, nothing. And, on top of that mattress, sits a lone girl curled up in a ball, itching at her own skin trying to make the crawling stop.

One moral that I have kept up is my hygiene. I've always cared about how I look – still do – but it's beyond that at this point; I'm making a living off of it. I make it a point to take at least one shower every day, and more if I've had more clients. I brush my teeth after each meal, still paint my nails, and wash my face on a daily basis. Just because I've become this way doesn't mean I can't look good, right? I mean hey, it's for the very reason of 'meth teeth' that I've stayed away from the stuff, so that shows some self restraint.

Knowing that I'd eventually lose track of the days, I made a conscious effort to keep tally marks from syringes on the wall next to my bed of the days, showing just how long this prison sentence has lasted. I have no idea what month it is, but I know that I've been here for just over fifty days… give or take a couple days, I may have missed out on a day. So that what… just under four months? Or three? God… how many days in a month? I can't think straight without my fix anymore… let's see, I know my birthday's in December, and Christmas is at the end of the month. So there's about thirty days in a month… Jesus, I just realized I'm counting with my fingers… I'm pathetic.

"Hey Red, you got another customer here. He looks like a high payer, so fix yourself up," I can hear the two men in the background talking, but I can't make out anything they're saying.

"Y-Yeah, just give me a-a few minutes," I can't even talk straight! Not like it matters, I don't need to talk. Making myself laugh just slightly, I stand up and fix my hair in front of the small mirror I taped up on the wall. As bad as I feel, I must say, I don't look half bad! Feeling slightly more confident, I throw off my jump suit of Shinji's that I wear around the house and get myself into a pair of short pink shorts and a skin-tight pleather shirt. Taking my place on the bed, I lay on my side and put on a sweet smile, playing it real good for the camera, "Okay, come on in sweetheart!" I hear the two men laugh as the conversation stops and footsteps start leading towards the door. I'm used to this sinking feeling I get whenever the time gets close, so it's really no big deal… that is, until I had a severe case of déjà vu.

"You know, I paid good money for this, you better show me that this was worth leaving for," he closed the door behind him as he wore the coldest face I've ever seen on a person. He just stared down at my wide eyes, hands in his pockets as if this is completely normal. I stood up, eyes towards the floor, and slipped back on the jacket.

"Stop coming here, you're eventually going to get hurt," I start to walk out of the room, but he blocked my way with his body, "And what exactly do you plan on doing?" I glared up at him as he returned the favor. Yes, I was just as embarrassed as the first time I saw him, but I'm so angry right now… I just don't care! Who does he think he is? I made this decision! Did he ever stop to think that I want to be here?!

"I've already paid the guy – Dee is it? If you're perfectly comfortable doing this with strangers, I should be no problem," he can't be serious… can he? He still has that same look on his face, so it really could go either way. Shinji isn't like this… of course, I have been away for a couple years, he may have grown up.

We stay in this stare-off for at least another few minutes before I finally realize he wasn't kidding in the least. I mean, he does have a point – at least I know he won't hurt me or give me anything negative. With my head held high and shoulders slumped over, I finally take off the jacket, exposing the tramp outfit I have on… does he really have to see me like this? What was really odd was that he never broke contact with my eyes – he wasn't looking at my body, let alone anything else… it was actually a little creepy. I guess you could say the same about me though; I couldn't stop looking at him either. I guess a small part of me was a little happy that I would get to be this close to him again, even if it is under these circumstances. I finally grab hold of the zipper holding together the left and right sides of my top and pull it down, exposing my chest, but keeping most of it hidden under the still draping cloth.

"You're sick…" I manage to mumble under my breath, thinking that I said this in my head. He simply raised an eyebrow at me, "You heard what I said. I see slime walk in and out of here everyday, but that least they have the courtesy to tell me up front what they're here for. You actually want to use me? That's perfectly fine, as long as your money's real. But if you're here just to torment me, I get enough of that in my own head," I try to keep my voice down, not wanting Dee to hear me.

"Yeah, I'm the sick one here. I'm the one who ran away from a friend trying to help them, and I'm the one that's half naked right now for the price of a burger. You realize that's how much you cost right?" he finally chiseled off that stone look of his and replaced it with an angry, almost sad one, "You know damn well what I'm here for, and I have no vices with leaving empty handed."

"Then why are you here? Why are you making me do this? There's a reason I came back – I'm happy here! No, I'm not going to lie and say I like what I'm doing, but I do like the high! When I was with you, all I thought about was wanting another hit… I can't live the rest of my life like that!" after a few seconds, he finally hangs his head.

"What happened to you?" I broke the silence by zipping back up the top, "I mean, you were always so strong, you know? Have you looked at yourself lately Asuka? Like, really looked at yourself?" he paused for a moment, laughed just a little, and brought his head back up. For the first time since we were children, I saw him with tears in his eyes, "Sorry, I'll get off my soap box. You're right, you're an adult, and you can make your own decisions. I hope you chose what you want," with that, he walked out of the room and left the house. I stood there, dumbfounded and solid as stone, unable to move as I processed what he just said. As soon as I heard the front door shut, I snapped out of it and finally made a permanent choice in my life – I ran after him.

A/N – Ugh, I really have to work on being more descriptive with settings… I've done too many formal papers, I've lost what touch I had in it. Regardless, there it is. In my mind I know that this is an amazing spot to just leave the story, but I have too many ideas floating around to just drop it all together, so there will be more chapters. I'm probably going to have a cross of POV's here next chapter, and as for who I'm switching to… you'll just have to wait and see! Don't worry though, this is an Asuka fic, so it won't be forever. Check out exactly what all this gibberish means in the next chapter… okay, I have no idea for a name, so just keep on keepin' on!


	6. Second Circle

Chapter 6: Second Circle

A/N – Okay, well, I wrote about two pages in Rei's POV, and I absolutely hated it. Therefore, I'm going to stay with Asuka! Sorry about that… also, kudos to whoever can interpret the title of this chapter correctly.

I guess I really shouldn't have expected him to care enough to stick around. I mean, after all, I did run out of him twice now. It's been about two weeks since I finally caught up to him, and two weeks since I've seen or heard him. While he did help me immensely, he absolutely refuses to be around me. With what I can only assume was with his own money, he checked me into a rehabilitation hospital across town, where he made a B-line to after I got in the car. Since then, I've gone through two solid days of withdrawal – which was a completely different kind of hell, at least I could sleep last time – and countless tests at his request for my overall health. So far, all they've found was a slight case of gonorrhea, which should be cleared up within a few days of penicillin regiments. I thank God every night that I don't have anything more serious.

I try to call Shinji every day, twice a day; one in the morning, and one before I go to bed. So far, he hasn't picked up or returned a single one of my calls. I kind of gave up on the thought of us being okay a long time ago, but why would he put out this much money if he didn't at least want to talk to me? I don't believe that whole 'friend' bullshit for a second – no one does this much just for a distant friend. However, at the same time, I can't for the life of me think of what else it could be. When I was in his house the first time, I thought he was just trying to get a regular lay, but when I was finally there in front of him, he cried. I have to say, I'm just as confused as ever…

It's currently two in the afternoon, and I'm dreading picking up the patient summary sheet laying next to my bed. With all of the previous tests, Shinji also asked for a full pregnancy test, and the results are right next to me. It isn't that I wouldn't want the child, it's that I had the child both out of wedlock and by a man that I'll never see again. I've been trying not to look at it since I woke up, and so far I'm not doing too bad at that… however, it doesn't get rid of the fact that it's still there.

Since I was extremely young, I would always play out worst case scenarios out in my head before facing the situation if at all possible. This way, when the scenario does come, I've already made a game plan. This situation is far from different, only it's taken me hours to fully play it out. I would never get an abortion, so unless the baby spontaneously aborted, I would be stuck with it. I forced myself to not pick out names as to not get attached, but their entire lives have already been planned… at least in my mind. I would go full term and, by some miracle, have a normal baby. For some reason, I can only picture it as a boy, but that doesn't really matter. He would grow to resent me for never finding who his father was, we would bicker constantly, and in the end, he would essentially leave me like all the others have. The worst part about all this is that I'm actually hoping for a spontaneous abortion so I don't have to deal with it, and I hate myself for that.

A small glimmer of happiness for me was that I wasn't the only one here, and I was far from the only one being judged, so that helped me quite a bit. The man next to me, whose name I've still yet to get from him, had been a heroin addict for eleven years, and finally hit rock bottom when he tried to shoot up with a hammer and nail when syringes were out. He was a nice enough guy, but you can tell what effect the drugs had on him, both physically and mentally. He was completely unable to carry on a conversation for more than a few minutes, and he would regularly start talking out of nowhere as if he was speaking to someone the whole time.

The staff here is amazing, simply put. I know it's their job to be this way, but they act as if all of this is really no big deal, and they're willing to help us at the drop of a hat. They refuse to disclose their names, but I suppose its better this way; it ensures no one gets too close to them. After all, we are all drug addicts, most with violent pasts. This all doesn't really matter here pretty soon, as I'm scheduled to be let go at around three today. I should be getting dressed right now, but I really don't want to get out of the bed in fear or what awaits me on the outside. I've never been one to go into things unprepared, so when I haven't the slightest clue as to what is going to happen, my anxiety skyrockets.

With an extremely deep sigh, I stand up and grab the jeans and t-shirt they give to all releases, along with the undergarments provided to the female variety. After walking into the bathroom – which, by the way, was no more than a toilet with a curtain around it – I got dressed at an extremely casual rate, not wanting to face the day. I realize that I'm getting up an hour early, but I feel as if I needed to at least talk to some people and plan out where I'm going. Unlike most of the people here, I don't have someone picking me up, so I'll probably end up at a homeless shelter. Beyond that, I needed time to read the report that was still sitting on the night stand.

"So, you're finally getting out of here, huh?" as I open the curtain, the man speaks to me, "I'm proud of you girlie," I couldn't help but let out a small smile.

"Yeah… thanks," the simple exchange of words ended there, and I was left assuming he drifted off again. His story is an especially sad one in my opinion – at least I knew who I was and still had a personality, this man doesn't even know where he is half the time. To be completely stripped of all humanity is, and always has been, one of my greatest fears. As I stood there, looking down at the white envelope with a messy 'A.L.S.' written on the front, I decided to not open it. After playing the circumstances in my head, I just would feel better if I found out on my own. With a slight sinking feeling in my stomach, I throw on the cheap sandals they gave me and head out of the room.

"If I see you in here again…" I turn to look down at the old man, expecting a cliché line, "First, I'll double check to make sure it's you, and then I'll kill ya," he sends a small, forced wink my way. I just smile and walk away without a word – I didn't want to cry, because even I was unsure of my future.

Being in these typical blue jeans and white t-shirt were somewhat of a badge around here, because everyone knew what they meant. Walking down the main hallway and towards the front desk – there were arrows guiding the way – I gained a few smiles of true happiness, glares of envy, and even a couple thumbs up of encouragement. I have to admit, this felt pretty good, being the center of attention once again. However, just like everything in my life, this was only temporary, and I was soon met by the front clerk.

"Um… I'm Asuka S., I'm supposed to be released today?" this was the first cold looking woman I've seen since I've been in here. I suppose it could be because she sees the same people walking in and out of here on a monthly basis; hell, my hope would be gone at this point too.

"Yeah, go right on ahead. Good luck hun," she never looked up from the computer she was working on, making me feel even less significant than I already did. Upon walking out into the front parking lot, I was met with an overwhelming sense of dread. Where exactly was I planning on going? The only place that would take me would be the homeless shelter, and even that is full of my old lifestyle.

Why did Shinji do this to me? At least I had a place to live before, but now I have even less than I did before. Sure, the first time he was actually helping, but what he did this time around was like nursing a bird to health and throwing it off a cliff with a simple 'good luck'. He's become exactly like his father, and I have to say, it doesn't suit him in the least.

"Well aren't you the spitting image of beauty?" I turn to see the man I was just cursing leaning up against the wall next to the door, "Have fun?"

"Shut the hell up, you don't have to taunt me," not really knowing where I was going, I begin to walk away.

"And where do you think you're going?" damn it… "Listen, I wouldn't just drop you off without a place to go. You're more than welcome to stay at my place until you find one of your own. The room is still there for you, and I stocked it with clothes," he walks up to me and, quite randomly, puts a hand on my shoulder, "Look, I don't like the thought of you being out there by yourself, especially in the situation that you were in."

"I don't want any favors, I can do just fine on my own," I look off to the side at the ground, not wanting to be met with his eyes of disappointment that I caught earlier.

"You won't be living with me for free, and I fully expect you to pay me back for those clothes," I look up to see him smiling, "It took a bit of work, but I got you a job. You start tomorrow," he can't be serious… who would hire me without an interview? On top of that, who would hire a girl like me?

"What… will I be doing?" he begins to walk past me, and I instinctually follow.

"You'll just have to wait and see. But for now, we need to actually talk. The first time you came over, I trusted you enough to stay by yourself, and that obviously didn't work. I guess I can blame my self slightly for that, since you had just come off of them, but I'm not going to make that mistake twice. Now, I already have an idea of what to do with you until you're completely off the drugs, but I'll give you a chance to help yourself. What would you like to do?" looking over at him driving reminded me of a father lecturing his daughter. I have to say, I hate how manipulative he's become over the years – he's certainly no Gendo, but he's picked up some negative traits.

"Don't talk to me like that, I'm not a kid," a moment of silence passed before he spoke again.

"You're right, could you tell me how old you are then?" my stomach sank at the question. In all honesty, I haven't known the date for at least a year now, and it'd be a miracle if I even knew the day right now. The hospital kept no visible records of time on the wall, as to avoid anxiety from their patients, which is now killing me, "Waiting," Jesus I hate him…

"Twenty," I threw out the first number that sounded at least slightly right in my mind.

"Twenty one, your birthday was two months ago," another awkward moment of silence filled the car – it was undoubtedly far more painful for me than him, "I'm not going to feel bad about talking down to you until you show me you're worth more. I used to respect you, when we were children, that is. I know you're still the same person, you're just beaten down," his voice was suddenly more compassionate with that last sentence, making a complete U-turn in terms of emotion, "I want to help you, but you have to let me," my eyes have been staring down at my folded hands on my lap ever since he asked me my age, "Okay?" the monotone picture in front of me was broken by the sight of his hand on mine, and the feeling of his eyes on me.

For the first time since I started in this life, I began to cry for the right reasons – not from wanting another hit, not from the pain of payment, and not from the disappointment of others. I was crying because I finally realized just how low I've sunk in just these four years. The same girl that used to rule over herself and those around her has turned into this horrid person, too afraid to look into the mirror past her superficial appearance. It truly does scare me what I've become; how does a girl rebound from this? Honestly, how? I've always heard 'Once a junkie, always a junkie', and I've proven that to be true twice in my short life now, so what's going to make this any different?

With one hand loosely covering my face, I peered through my fingers and down into what was going to make it different. Subconsciously, I returned his favor, and for the first time since I was in grade school, I felt the compassionate touch of another.

It felt good.

A/N – I wanted to end the chapter here, but for reasons I'll explain later, I feel like you guys deserve a longer chapter. In your minds, just kind of assume that the following is a new chapter; it'll make the flow nicer.

I couldn't wait to get out of this car and into some of the clothes Shinji said he got me. Part of me was slightly afraid to what I was going to find – after all, what fashion does he have? On the other hand, anything is better than these cheap clothes the hospital gave me. As we drove up to the house, we exchanged a weak smile. He was the first to get out, leaving me inside the car watching his every move.

He really has grown up, hasn't he? He was far from built, but he definitely grew into that body of his – I wouldn't say muscular, but absolutely toned. I think it suited his personality quite well, but that long hair still gets to me. I think it's mostly because of how I used to view Kaji, and in all honesty, Shinji looks quite a bit like a cleaned-up version of him. Even how he carries himself is more mature; I mean, that's to be expected I suppose, but it's still a huge shocker to me. He walks with a confidence that I never saw in him when we were children, as if he literally owns the world. He's become quite the man…

Catching myself daydreaming, I force my weak body out of the car as Shinji was walking around the front. Our eyes once again meet as I closed the door, but this time around, no awkward smiles were exchanged. We both knew what was going on, but we both denied it to ourselves for various reasons. Wanting to ignore these, I proceed to walk towards the house after he passed me, catching myself staring at the hand that forced me to be this way.

"I'm sure you're hungry. You want something here or do you want to go out?" with a small amount of fumbling with his keys, the door was opened, inviting me back into his house.

"Huh? Oh, no, I'm fine. I just want to take a shower, that okay?" he holds out his hand towards the bathroom in a 'help yourself' manner. He makes a B-line to the kitchen, where I hear a bottle cap being popped of.

"You might want to grab some clothes before you go in there. You have your own stuff now," without seeing him exit the kitchen, I walk into a room that forced a smile out of me. It was far from anything special – in fact, it looked exactly the same as before – but the smile was caused by the thought that this is a safe haven for me. For such a long time, I've never had a place to where I can be alone, and it's finally hitting me that the drugs aren't my lifestyle anymore. With the smile still painting my face, I open the closet to see a fully stocked wardrobe – which, if I may say, actually had a decent amount of style. However, before anything else caught my eye, a blank white envelope taped to a hangar did.

"I guess he didn't grow up that much… still leaving little notes?" a small chuckle escapes my lips, but the smile slowly fades as I opened it and read the note. With confused emotions, I grabbed a pair of denim shorts and a black tank top, leaving the room with the envelope on the nightstand.

The shower was, to say the least, amazing. Sure, I washed up at my old place every day, but this bathroom actually had decent products in it. I swear, if I didn't know the owner of this bathroom, I'd say he was gay! Face moisturizers, conditioners, shampoos, lotions – each of which must have cost a crap load. I wonder if he bought these for me or if they were here before and I just didn't notice? Eh, like it matters, I don't really care. The shower itself was only about twenty minutes long, but the time spent in the bathroom was damn near an hour. The majority of the time was spent really looking at any damaged caused by the lifestyle I chose.

The scars on the inside of my upper thighs were hard to notice and likely to fade within the year, but those were a given. Outside of this, nothing is really different outside of a few unexplained bruises on my torso – probably the results of one of the rougher clients. The lack of any real nutritional diet has caused quite the havoc on my overall appearance. If one looked for it, they could see that my face is slightly abnormally thin, and with my shirt off, it's painfully obvious at just how little I ate. I was far from being one of those anorexic girls you see on television, but a slight shadow of my ribs could definitely be seen. I suppose that this will go away with time of eat healthy, but, and as stupid as this sounds, I hate that I wouldn't be able to show off anything in a bikini right now. One of my proudest traits all my life was my looks, and while I'm not exactly Sasquatch, I'm far from beautiful. However, no tears were shed, as all of these things will absolutely fade with time. With hair still wet, I get dressed and walk out to see Shinji cooking something on the stove with a bottle of beer in his hand.

"Someone likes long showers," he glanced over at me with a sarcastic look, and I could have sworn I saw him blush a little as he went back to cooking, "Interesting outfit choice for your first day here," placing on the mocking face I so often wore when we were younger, I walk over and swoon my hips in his direction.

"What, haven't had a woman over in awhile?" I wonder… has he ever even been with a woman? He seems a little too childish about this… "I'm just kidding ya," with a small slap on his arm, I walk to the fridge and grab a beer myself, "Mind if I have one?" he just shrugs, "So, whatcha making?"

"Nothing really special, just some soup. Hope you like chicken," hey, if it's meat, I'll eat it! I leaned up against the counter behind him and studied a few pictures on the wall, catching more than a couple familiar faces.

"So, you ever get together with Ayanami?" that sounded infinitely more subtle in my head…

"What?" he looks over his shoulder at me with a raised eyebrow, "That was random."

"Well, you two were always flirting, I just kinda figured you two had something on the side," he just shakes his head and chuckles. He didn't say no! "Ha! I knew it! So, how long did it last?" he paused for a moment before replying.

"It'll be three years next month," my heart sank to my knees the moment he started that sentence. He was leading me on… I can't believe he was really leading me on…

"Oh… well, congrats…" I couldn't help but let my voice shake. I was far from crying, but I was certainly dumbfounded, "Listen, I'm going to take a nap… I'll talk to you later…" ignoring the fact that it was barely past three, I force myself to walk with at least a little dignity to the room, locking the door behind me. I fall back onto the bed and close my eyes, not wanting to face even the ceiling.

How could I be so stupid? Of course he's dating someone! What, he was supposed to wait for me all these years? He's a handsome guy with a great job (apparently), what girl wouldn't snatch him up? But her? Why her? I guess it makes sense – I mean, they were always together back at NERV when I wasn't around…

"Wait…" my eyes shoot open as I realized something. We're twenty, give or take a couple months, so that means he was dating her when he was seventeen… which would be our junior year in high school… I can't believe he did that to me…

I chose him for my first time because I always thought he was faithful, a real good guy! How could he lie to me like that?! He never broke up with another girl, he just said that to get in my pants! He cheated on her with me! I always thought he knew too much about what to do… we didn't share anything… I was the only one that gave something to him…

"Stop it," I catch myself about to cry, but in the first act of power I've had in years, I stop myself. I refuse to let myself cry over this! You know what? I don't care, and I don't regret it. If I hadn't lost it to him, I would have to some stranger to pay my addiction, so if anything, he helped me. God, I just wished he would have told me this earlier, then I wouldn't have felt like such an idiot. Here I thought that we were starting to rekindle our old relationship, when in reality I'm just a pity case. I should have caught that when I read the note. After all, why would Rei have helped him if they weren't in some kind of relationship? The note reading _Welcome back 'Second' :P_ was still on the nightstand, and still mocking me.

With a final act of courage, I wad it up and throw it out, following my own advice and laying down for a nap.

A/N – Well, now that school's back in full swing (I'm in high school and college, both full time), I can't even begin to update as often as I used to. That author's note halfway through was just letting you know about this; I plan on making the chapters longer if at all possible, because now I'll only be updating on the weekends. It'll most likely be on Sundays, but that's fickle – just know it's on weekends now. If Monday ever comes and I haven't updated, check my profile for an explanation, I won't leave you guys hanging! Anywho, how'd y'all like that? I originally had this chapter as a 'welcome home' party for Asuka, but I deleted it on the basis that it was cornier than Nebraska. I definitely like this one ten times better! So, what do you think is going to happen with Asuka? Think she'll move out as soon as possible? Stay with Shinji? Or will she have a falling out with Rei? Find out in the next chapter, Knee Deep; until then, keep on keepin' on!

A/N – I'm gonna start themes with my chapters; they're going to be very loosely based on a song of the same title. This week it'll be Knee Deep by Devildriver. I would recommend looking up the lyrics, but whatever floats your boat. Peace!


	7. Knee Deep

Chapter 7: Knee Deep

When I woke up from my three hour long nap, that slight disorientation you get right after you arise made me believe that everything that happened prior was a dream. That Shinji wasn't with Rei, that I hadn't made a fool of myself, and that I wasn't a complete idiot. This, however, quickly faded away as I realized just how serious this was. Yeah, I was hurt, but whatever – what about Rei? I mean Jesus, does she know about Shinji and I back in high school? And her! She was with that one guy at the party! Should I tell him? It's really none of my business… no, I shouldn't say anything. I've always been a firm believer that what people don't know can't hurt them… but what did that guy she was with say? Didn't he say they were dating? I mean, a one night stand is one thing, but this… I wonder if she's still with him…

Come to think of it, I haven't even been through a quarter of this house – there's a whole other section to it if I were to keep walking down the hallway. Does she live here? After three years, I wouldn't be surprised if they were married, so it wouldn't be that far of a stretch… no, I think Shinji would at least tell me that much. I stand up and stretch out, planning on finding out the whole story by the end of the night. Immediately after walking out of my room, I see Shinji sleeping on the sofa with the TV on.

"It's been a long day for him," I jump out of my skin and hold back a yelp at the sound of another woman's voice behind me. As fate would have it, I turn to see that albino Ayanami. She was wearing a large t-shirt that ended about mid-thigh, and from I could see, that was it, "Come here," she turns and gestures me with her hand, walking down the hallway I have yet to explore. We make a right, showing another, shorter hallway with three more rooms. We walk into the last one to show what was obviously their room… so she does live here… "I didn't want to wake him up. Have a seat," she takes one of the arm chairs in front of a TV, and I take the one right next to her.

"I'm so sorry, I had no idea you two were together," she just smiles and holds up her hand.

"Don't worry about it, you're a friend," friend? "Plus, Shinji and I have a very… open relationship. He didn't make a move on you, and even if he did, I don't really care. Sex is not cheating unless one gets emotionally involved," what the hell?!

"Rei, I really don't need to know any of that. I would never be with a man in a relationship," not knowingly, anyway. She simply shrugs. An awkward moment passes before she breaks the silence.

"You like the clothes I picked out for you?" how can she act like this is completely normal?

"Yeah, thanks… listen, I don't want to impose on you two, I can move out if you want," she once again chuckles and shook her head.

"Asuka, listen, if we didn't want you here, you'd be gone. You're fine, just relax, okay?" and with that, I caught myself staring at the girl sitting next to me. She looks almost exactly the same as before, outside of her filling out that body previously void of curves. She was still wearing the same haircut – it still seems to fit her attitude perfectly. Sure, she may be a little sassier now, but her tone is still exactly the same.

"Do… you know about-" she holds up a finger, cutting me off.

"No, we're not talking about that. That's your old life, this is the new – you need not dwell on what you used to be, and instead work on what you will be. Okay?" well okay then, "So tell me, how would you feel about going out? We could get dressed up, go club hopping, you know!" she nudged me with her elbow, making me smile slightly. I have to say, I used to hate this girl, but she's actually pretty cool now.

"Who else would go?"

"Just us! You know, a girl's night out. We could grab a few drinks, maybe a few guys," she sent a wink my way as she said that.

"That actually doesn't sound too bad… you know of some good places?" I haven't been partying in years!

"Oh yeah, definitely. Go get dressed, I got a few good outfits in the closet for you," and with that, she disappeared behind the door to their walk-in closet. Still wearing that same smile, I make my way to my room. This is going to be my first social outing in well over a year, and I have to say, I'm looking forward to it! And hell, who would have guessed this was going to be with Ayanami?

After looking through the closet and mentally noting a few outfits I wanted to wear soon, I finally came across decent clubbing attire. The cloth – I guess some could call it a dress – had spaghetti straps that met with an extremely loose and intentionally wrinkled lo V-cut neck, which would continue down to about the end of my sternum. The dress ended right above the knee, but had a strip cut open along the right side to show off my leg. While it was more than a little revealing, it wasn't exactly trashy… I kinda like it! I changed as quickly as possible, threw on my makeup, and made it back to Ayanami's room in ten minutes flat.

"Oh yeah, I remember that one! I almost bought that for myself, you know," she was dressed in a blood-red belly shirt that ended just above her naval, which had intentional horizontal cuts along each side, showing off a little skin. The neck was also purposely stretched out, showing just enough cleavage to make a point. Her jeans were those torn up denims you see in malls for an insane amount of money, but something tells me she refused to pay for those and made her own. Regardless, she looked great, "Jeez Asuka, I didn't know you swung that way!" I caught myself looking at her.

"Oh shut up, it's just weird seeing you like this. I remember when you used to be the perfect little girl!" we shared a laugh as we walked out of the room. As we turned the corner in the hallway, we were met with Shinji rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, which were soon thrown wide open at our outfits.

"Oh, hey Honey, we're going out for awhile. Hold down the fort while we're away?" she pecked him on the lips – which made my skin crawl – and walked past him. I followed suit, minus the kiss part, and feel his eyes on the back of my head, "So, what do you want to do first? Want to start off slow or go straight to the heavy club?" we walk out to Shinji's car, which is when I notice his keys in Rei's hand.

"You're driving, you choose," in all honesty, I probably couldn't even drive if I wanted to. Sure, I had a license a few years back, but I'm sure it's expired by now.

"What, I'm not invited?" we both turn back just as we reach the car to see Shinji standing in the doorway with his arms crossed.

"Nope, bye!" and with a wave of Rei's hand, we enter the car and drive off, "So, Asuka, we have some catching up to do. What ever happened to you after junior year?" she really didn't know?

"Well, I just kind of lost interest in school. Sure, I know it's good for me, blah blah blah, but I just hated it. I dropped out and went on to become a hostess a few months after senior year started up. Looking back, I really have no idea what my plans were… something delusional I'm sure! Anyway, I worked there for awhile until I was laid off, and then I was introduced to 'that' lifestyle… what about you?" I tried to take the subject off of the drugs as quickly as possible.

"Me? Oh, nothing, just went through school. I plan on going to college eventually, but I really have no idea when or for what. I mean, frankly, I'm making great money where I am now, and since it's stable, I doubt I'll even go to college. But, you know, things happen, so I dunno," frankly, I can't believe she didn't go to college. I always pictured her as the real bookworm type, but I guess she grew up a little.

"Yeah, about that, where do you work? And Shinji too, where does he work?" there was a small, almost undetectable pause before her answer came.

"We both work in management at a mechanics assembly line. You know, making car parts and what not. Not exactly exciting, but like I said, it's fine in my book. We were actually pretty lucky, Shinji and I, to get a job together," I think she's either completely lying or telling a half truth there… eh, doesn't really matter, not my business anyway.

"Lucky?" personally, I'd hate to spend every waking minute with the same person!

"Well, yeah… I mean, we love each other, so why wouldn't it be lucky?" I honestly couldn't give a response when she answered it like that, "You don't think we're serious, do you?" I see her smirking out of the corner of my eye.

"No, I do, don't take me the wrong way – I just don't really get how you two can be so… open about 'that' topic, you know?" she actually let out a small chuckle. I know I said I didn't want to hear it before, but I just don't get it!

"Like I said before, sex is only an action. It only becomes cheating when you start to have feelings for the other person, you get it? And plus, it's not like either one of us does that on a regular basis – every other month at best. It only happens when one of us is sick or something and the other has their given needs. Plus, we plan on stopping it once we get married or have kids – after that point it is kind of crossing the line," they… plan on having kids?

"I guess I understand it…"

"But now that Shinji has another woman in the house, his frequency might increase just a little!" I lean back in my seat, putting my hands behind my head.

"Yeah, like I'd do that," could've worded that better, "I still think it's weird, I wouldn't mess with that," she lets out a sarcastic 'mhm'. I understand where she's coming from with all of this, but there's no way in hell I'd ever let my boyfriend run around like that! What's mine is mine, and it's as simple as that.

"Not like I'd care, but anyway, here we are!" I was so tied into the conversation that I completely disregarded the fact that we were driving. What was originally a quiet neighborhood in my mind was now a busy, Las Vegas Strip wannabe with rows and rows of casinos, clubs, and cheap hotels. I always knew this part of Tokyo-3 existed, but I never really bothered with it, "Welcome to the Red Light District! I spent my eighteenth birthday on this street!" and with that, she parked the car on the curb in front of a club named 'Industrial'.

"So I take it we went straight for the heavy stuff, huh?" she sends a small wink my way as we cross the curb and approach the door, which I now notice has a long line in front of it, "This'll take forever to get in, you know that right?"

"Asuka, you of all people should know that you gotta use what you got. Jeez, you've lost your touch, come on," she casually walks past the long line of people, catching more than a few looks on her way. I hurry ahead to catch up just as she reaches the most stereotypical bouncer I've ever seen – big, black, and wearing a t-shirt at least three sizes too small.

"There's the line, use it," he doesn't look up from his clipboard as he spoke. Rei placed a finger on the top of the board and looked up at him, forcing him into locking eyes with her.

"Now, are you gonna make two girls like us wait out here in the cold?" she finally lost that monotone voice and replaced it with the most stripper-esque style I've ever heard… what is this, a movie? She intentionally bent over just slightly, giving him a limited view of the gifts. The man froze for a moment, still wearing that stone hard monotone face of his, and finally spoke up.

"Yes, now go," Rei looks back at me with an almost humorously annoyed face. With a sigh, she reaches in her small handbag and pulls out a few bills, slipping it in the man's hand, "Oh, sorry about that, I just found your name on the list. Please, come in," as we walk past, Rei mumbles just loud enough to ensure the man heard her.

"Fag…"

"Oh yeah, great job using what you got!" I'm pretty sure she glared back at me, but upon entering the building I was instantly blinded and deafened by the lights and music. My eyes and ears soon adjusted, showing me a club with a huge main dance floor, an overly eccentric DJ booth with women in cages dancing on either side of it, and a huge bar that stretched the length of a small house.

"Hey, not everyone can have D's like you, okay?" 36 C, but okay, "Plus, that was Monopoly money. Anyway, what's your drink of choice?" we take our places in bar stools near the end of the counter.

"I don't know… I've never really been into the real fruity martini's," hell, I've barely had more than a little vodka or beer, "I don't have any cash though, I'm not getting anything," crap, I just realized that too…

"Oh come on, I got you! Shinji pays the mortgage, so I really don't have anything to spend this on anyway. I'm gonna order for you," she yells something at the bartender, but the blasting music muffled her completely. We were having to yell as it was, but I have to say, I don't exactly mind this environment, "So, here's the plan. We're going to have a couple drinks, and then we're going to scout out a couple of guys, that cool?" I have to say, I'm not completely comfortable with the whole man thing, especially after what I had to go through – or, rather, what I chose to go through – not too long ago. But, on the other hand, there's nothing wrong with a little flirting!

"Yeah, that's fine… I still think it's weird for you to be picking up guys though. I swear, you used to be the most innocent little girl!" we both share a laugh as two green martinis and two shots of God only knows what are placed in front of us.

"Tonight, I'm a single woman," she downs the shot like it was water. I'm the German! I'm supposed to be the drinker! Following suit, I take my shot – turned out to be whiskey, "I got us appletinis, they're a good start. Plus, Zack Braff died a couple weeks ago, this is to him!" she holds up the glass in a toasting manner and takes a small sip. I wasn't exactly sure who he was – Zack was it? – but hey, apparently she does. Taking a small taste of the drink myself, I have to admit, they're really not half bad. Apparently I am into these drinks!

"So, whatever happened to the old group? You know, Toji, Kensuke, Hikari," I always meant to keep in contact with Hikari, and I did a fairly good job until I started working. After that, we just kind of lost touch.

"Well, Toji and Hikari got married a few months back, and she's due in about two months – you do the math. As for Kensuke, he's working at some military base or something, I dunno. Shinji still talks to him, you should ask him," I can't believe Hikari's pregnant! And with Toji's kid of all people! Sure, they always had a thing going on, but it always seemed like real childish flirting game for the both of them, "There's really no great story behind any of them. They all just kind of went on to live boring lives in my opinion."

"And what would you define your life as?" sure, she partied every now and then, but she doesn't seem much different.

"I'd say… a nice mix of conspicuous and responsible," she finished the last part of her drink, as do I when she suddenly stood up, "Come on, it's time for us to find some good guys. And hey, you never know, we might just find you a boyfriend!" yeah, like that'll happen. I stand up and follow her as she made a B-line directly for a table with two fairly handsome men – apparently she already scoped these guys out! The first one was fairly well built, a little more muscular than Shinji, with a single pierced ear and that bed-head haircut. The other one wasn't much different actually… these guys must be brothers or something. Like I said, fairly handsome, but far from knock dead gorgeous.

When we finally get to their table, Rei plants her hands on the counter, leaning over and talking to them. I wasn't exactly sure what she said, but both of the guys had a smirk on the moment we walked up. She stands up straight and motions me to sit down – she immediately claimed the one on the left, so I was left with the other one. Not like it mattered, they were both fine in my opinion.

"So, what are your names, hm?" I lace my fingers and rest my head on them as I ask the question, eyeing the man sitting next to me. Now that I'm up closer, he is actually a lot better looking than I originally thought… he was the first to speak.

"I'm Jun, and my brother here is Kuro. May we offer you ladies a couple of drinks while you tell us your names?" well, isn't he quite the charmer?

"She's Asuka, I'm Rei, and you can surprise us," she winked at the man sitting next to her as he stood up, "So, what brings you two to the District?"

"What brings us here?" the man seemed almost insulted at the very question, "Women like you, what do you think?" I gotta say, I kinda like this guy! So far, he has the perfect mix of strong and charming, the real Romeo of modern day, "And it seems like you have the same ideas in mind, seeing how you came over here so bluntly."

"Well, I know what I'm here for," yeah, blunt definitely defines Rei, even when she was a kid, "But as for my friend, she's still a little unsure…"

"Rei!" I can't believe she just said that!

"Oh come on, you need to unwind a little bit! Think you can help her out with that Jun?" with that, he reached around and placed his hand on my hip.

"Yeah, I think I can handle that," I pick up his hand with my index finger and thumb in a demeaning fashion, throwing him off of me.

"You know, I haven't made up my mind about anything just yet, but if you keep that up it'll be a definite no," while I may have seemed annoyed on the surface, inside, I was actually a little excited that I was the one in control for once in a very long time.

"You're right, sorry for pushing the issue," he holds out the half empty beer in front of me, "Peace offering?" while I knew he was being sarcastic, I just give him a half smile and take the offering, taking a deep gulp of it, "Wow, a beer drinker huh? Where are you from? You don't even look Asian to me."

"Yeah, I'm half German," yay for stereotypes! "And what about you?"

The night continued on fairly slowly from that point on. We had a few drinks, but we were far from wasted or anything like that – I know I was buzzed, but Rei was definitely a little tipsy. We both knew better than to get completely black out drunk with two guys we don't even know, regardless of our intentions. After the table was scattered with martini, shot, and beer glasses, we went on to the dance floor; at this point, I'm pretty sure it was only about ten at night. I never really considered this dancing, especially to industrial metal like this, but I guess that what one would call it. Once there, I warmed up to Jun quite a bit more, going as far as to let him get away with a few copped feels, but nothing too serious. I made it a conscious effort to stay as close to Rei as possible without it looking creepy; I, more than anyone here, know how fast things can go south.

However, I wasn't particularly worried about these guys. Sure, they weren't the catholic school boys on television, they've definitely been around the block before, but they were far from anything trashy like drugging us. As time passed, Jun and I slowly made our way off the dance floor and back into a corner, where we did just about everything that would be legal in public. I have to say, while I'm still a little shaken around men like this, the thought that I can stop whenever I want is definitely soothing, to say the least. On top of that, he wasn't a half bad kisser.

I realize that I broke off from Rei, but I did make it a point to bring Jun near an area where I could keep an eye on our table – Rei left her handbag there, so I know she'd be back. Plus, she can handle herself; NERV taught us more than a few things in self defense. I knew that at any moment, if this guy tried to pull something out of line, he'd be on the floor before the next bass thump of the speakers. Luckily, Rei had the same skills I did – if anything, better.

After almost half an hour of being in the corner, I finally got bored of him being the only one able to feel anything on my body – unfortunately, I couldn't return the favor in public. Telling him to wait for me – I'm far from done with him yet – I go back out into the crowd in search of Rei. Oddly enough, she was easy to spot with that hair of hers. I was surprised that she didn't drag him off into her own little corner by now, but anyone could tell by the look on her face she had the exact same ideas running through her mind as I did. Hopefully Shinji wasn't waiting up for us…

There really is no point in going into detail about the events of that night. Both Rei and I knew walking in there what we wanted, even if I didn't admit it to myself until much later on. Regardless, we all ended up taking Jun's car – he was the only one sober enough to drive – back to their place. Jun and Kuro shared an upper class apartment up North, just out of Tokyo-3. It was one of those apartments that might as well have been a home, but was simply stacked on top of another home. I swear, on the ride there, I almost had to whip out the hose on Rei and Kuro in the back seat; no doubt they were holding all of this in the entire time they were at the club.

Needless to say, we spent the night there, and it was absolutely amazing. It may have just been me having real, true sex for the first time in over four years, but I really couldn't care less about the reason; it was nothing short of fantastic. Rei and Kuro finished up fairly quickly and fell asleep in the room across the hallway, but Jun and I stayed up all night either talking or enjoying each other. By five in the morning, we were done with the fun aspect of the night, and just laid there talking to each other. As it turns out, he actually is a pretty cool guy.

Jun was out celebrating his twenty-fifth birthday tonight, and on top of that, he was also celebrating his recent completion of a masters in computer engineering… software I believe. Anyone could tell just how passionate he was about this, and I almost envied him for being able to wake up every day and do a job he absolutely loves. He didn't really show it back at the club, but he definitely has quite the brain on him. Obviously, the topic eventually switched to my history.

There was no doubt in my mind as whether or not to leave out my little journey in the world of drugs, but I was more than proud to tell a few stories from NERV. After I told him that I was a pilot, he instantly recognized me from some news broadcast or something a few years back. It was almost a little sad that we were forgotten so soon after the angels left, but it doesn't really bother me too much, I can still show off a little. On a positive note, my self esteem skyrocketed after we got to talking. Apparently the flaws of my body I see in the mirror aren't really visible to the average person, as he actually assumed I was a model. Honestly, I almost had to hold back tears when he said that – I've been terrified ever since I got sober that I've ruined my body, and here he is saying I could model… I love that.

As much as I tried to fight it by constantly reminding myself that this was supposed to be a one night stand, I couldn't help but develop at least some feelings for him. We're far from being an actual couple; relationship, sex does not make! However, I definitely see him as a close friend, even thought I haven't even known him for a full day. He gives me his phone number, and unfortunately, I can't return the favor, as I don't know Shinji's home number. Regardless, I promised him I'd call, and that's exactly what I plan on doing. Our little fun night ended at around seven in the morning, when Rei finally woke up and damn near drug me out of there. I couldn't help but give Jun a small kiss before leaving.

As Rei was driving home, now battling a hangover, I realized just how horrid we both look. I suppose Rei could pass for decent if she forced a comb through that hair of hers, but I looked a wreck. My hair was far from being made, the dress I had on was wrinkled all to hell, and on top of that, I now had a hickey to hide on my neck. The majority of me wanted to hide all this from Shinji, as I didn't want him to know that my first night out I went out and did that, but the small sliver of my psyche actually wanted to show him. I wanted him to know what I did last night, and I want him to know that I'm not going to be his doll, even if Rei allows it. However, I'd never verbalize this, let alone act on it. Yeah, I think I'll hide it…

"Don't think I didn't see that little peck you gave… Jun, was it?" Rei's voice was a hilarious mix of that monotone style and the, what I've come to call, 'Jesus Christ' headache, where all your body does is scream those two words in pain.

"Well yeah, I mean, we did more than that… not a big deal…" even I knew how stupid that sounded.

"Yeah right! Listen Asuka, I may not know you as well as I could, but I do know that a little peck on the lips doesn't link to a one night stand! Come on, just tell me you're at least thinking about calling him later on," how did she know I even had his number? "I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, I just think it's a little cute!"

"Fine, yes, I'm a _little_ interested, but it's nothing serious. I mean sure, he's handsome, has a great job, smart, settled," you're not helping the case! "… but I'm not looking for anything long term right now, you know?" she simply rolls her eyes, "What?"

"You've grown accustomed to lying to yourself, huh?" okay, that was uncalled for.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I suddenly lost the joking, friendly voice, and replaced it with a harsh tone. She rubs both eyes with her thumb and index finger for a moment before returning to the road.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that. What I mean is that you have to let people in sometimes, you know? You don't have to be on defense all the time, not all people are out to hurt you," there was an awkward silence the rest of the ride, but not because I was giving her the silent treatment – it was because I was dumbfounded at what she said. I didn't exactly agree with her obvious opinion that I block myself from others, but I couldn't exactly defend it either… am I really that bad with it? I mean, I do let people in; after all, I did let Shinji have full access to my emotions as a child, even thought I eventually cut him off. The sad part is that I couldn't even force myself to come up with another example to defend my case…

When we got home, Shinji was obviously either still asleep or walking around in the dark, because every window had a silhouette of blackness. When we got into the house, I made a B-line straight to my room, not even saying a word to Rei. I absolutely realize that this was rude, but I couldn't face her, not after what she just said to me. I was far from being mad, but I've never liked it when people tried to psychoanalyze me, let alone do it correctly.

I was able to fall asleep fairly quickly, especially since I haven't had a single wink in about twelve hours, and this was compounded by the fact that I was slightly hung over and had just got done with an extremely physically active night. However, even in my sleep, I was completely unable to escape the fate that was contemplating the nights and mornings preceding events.

My dream began great, as most do – I was with Jun, doing about the only thing we've done together so far. The night was essentially replayed in my mind, but there were subtle differences that, while almost miniscule, were overwhelming. I didn't have the same connection I did in real life with him; by the end, it actually turned out to be nothing more than a one night stand… and I hated it, I hated it so much. Even in the dream I realized how ridiculous this was, but it was far from over. When Rei and I finally got home, Shinji was waiting for us, and he somehow already knew what we had done. He wasn't mad at me what so ever, but what hurt even worse is that very fact. Why didn't he care what I did? I mean, he's supposed to be the one protecting me, right?

The dream was the polar opposite of what I wanted to happen. I didn't get to really know Jun, and I ended up feeling as if Shinji didn't care about me. Overall, there wasn't a single person that cared about me in the end… I don't understand why I care so much! Yes, I want to see Jun again, but why? It was supposed to just be a one night stand, and here I am, wanting to see him right now! This has got to be some kind of hormonal thing… there's just no way I can get that close to someone that quickly… I guess I just have to stay away from one night stands.

I woke up with a pounding heart after the dream, not exactly sure why it was happening. Out of habit, the first thing I look at was the clock, and a flashing '1:00 PM' reminded me that Shinji must be awake at this point. With part of me wanting to talk to him, another part wanting to see him without Rei around, and yet even another part wanting him to somehow find out about last night's escapades without me telling him, I get dressed in short lounging shorts and a tank top. The instant I open my door, I hear a foreign sound in the background, creating almost an omnipresent sense. After glancing into the kitchen and realizing that it was empty, repeating the same action with the same results for the living room, and finally grabbing a glass of water, I concluded that Shinji was still asleep. He was always one to sleep until someone wakes him up…

"I really hate this…" without even realizing it, I completely forget about the sound, letting it just blend in to all the other creeks the house would let out as it settled to the warm air, "Since when did I become such a wimp?"

"When you grew up," I jump out of my skin and turn to see an all too familiar face walking out of the bathroom, "Long time no see sweetie!" I couldn't help but smile at that woman as she came up and forced me into a hug.

"Hey Misato…" I didn't realize just how depressed my voice sounded until the words already escaped my lips. What's she even doing here?

"Well that's rude! I don't see you in four years and all you can muster is a depressed 'hey'?" she leans back and looks at me like a mother would, just as she used to do.

"Sorry, just a little surprised. What are you even doing here? Don't tell me you live here too," honestly, it wouldn't have surprised me all that much.

"Oh gosh no, I just stopped in to give Shinji a few reports," reports? "And since when have you lived here? And why do you look like the seventh circle of hell?" the sad part is she was right!

"Oh, it was just a long night… Rei and I went out, had a little too much to drink, you know what its like," what? Of course I wasn't going to tell her about Jun!

"Yeah, tell me about it," we share a short laugh at her comment, not addressing the elephant in the room; why I was even here, "So, where'd you run off to? There were about ten rumors circulating about where you went, but no one really knew."

"I… can't really say," damn it! I used to be such a good liar! "I just needed to get away, that's all that matters. But, I'm back, and I don't really plan on leaving again, I just have to find my own place here pretty soon," and I still have no idea how I'm going to do that, "What about you? What've you been up to?"

"Eh, not much really…" she leans back onto the kitchen counter, looking up at the ceiling, "Everything's been pretty much the same, just a little more hectic with the kid and everything."

"Wait, what? Kid?" don't tell me she reproduced… she needs to stay in the shallow end of the gene pool!

"Oh, yeah, Kaji and I decided to adopt a child a few months after we married. Shinji didn't tell you any of this? And you didn't ask?" yeah, I suppose I may be at fault a little for that, "I wish I had a picture, he's so cute! You need to come over some time, we really need to catch up. But, for now, I gotta head out. If you see Shinji, tell him I put his stuff on top of the TV," she grabbed a handbag that I can't believed I missed on the counter and began to walk out.

"Bye Misato, nice seeing you again," my voice is still depressed… stop it!

"See ya," and with that, she made her exit, leaving me standing in the kitchen, once again alone. I wonder what those rumors were that she mentioned… could anyone know about what I did?

"No, stop it, I don't care. I don't care that people know about me, I don't care about Jun, and I sure as hell don't care about anyone else," even though what was leaving my lips was no more than a whisper, it was screaming in my mind. There's not a chance in hell that I'm going back to Dee, but I don't think I can stay here. There are just too many emotions to deal with here. But who am I kidding? There's no way that I can pay for my own place yet, at least not until I start working at wherever Shinji stuck me. Fine then, if I can't move out, then I'm not going to let all of this drama bull get to me! I'm making a conscious decision here – I'm going back to making sure I don't let people in, it's the only way that I can ensure I don't get hurt. I could care less if it's a childish decision, it won't be the first time I've done it.

"Who just left?" Shinji, of course, comes walking out of the hallway in lounging clothes, still rubbing his eyes.

"Misato," I finally lost the depressed voice, "She left some files for you on the TV… you sure slept in late."

"Yeah, well, that's what happens when you stay up all night worrying…" he thumbs through the papers in the manila folder Misato left, "What'd you do last night?" what is he, my father?

"Not like it's your concern, but we only had a few drinks, nothing to worry about. Don't worry, I'm not going to run out, you can relax," he looks at me with a raised eyebrow. Plus, it's not like I was out alone! Rei was there with me!

"Well aren't you in quite the mood today?" without any emotion, he walks past me and starts setting up the coffee machine, "Plus, I already know what happened last night, I wanted to see if you'd tell me the truth. Glad we have that kind of relationship Asuka, really do," an awkward silence covered the room for a short time, both of us too stubborn to say a word, "Well, I was going to take you to work today, but apparently you're in no mood."

"I'm just fine, I would like to know what I'll be doing though. Rei said you guys worked at an assembly line or something?" he continued to work without ever making eye contact with me. Look at me!

"Well… sort of, yes. Didn't you find it odd that Misato just came in handing me some paperwork?" now that I think about it, yeah… "Well, we work together. All of us – Misato, Rei, Ritsuko, Gendo, all of us," he finally looks up at me, "Here," reaching into his pocket, he pulled out two vaguely familiar small objects and placed them on the counter, "I want your decision by two. Don't feel obligated."

A/N –Now, there was quite a bit of subtle psychological hints from the characters in this chapter, especially near the end, did you catch any of them? So, I think you all can pretty much guess what's going to happen with Rei and Asuka, but where's the angst?! This entire chapter was pretty much rainbows and sunshine, so take it for what you will. Check out what I have going on in the next chapter, themed around the song of the same name by Avantasia, Carry Me Over; until then, keep on keepin' on!


	8. Carry Me Over

Chapter 8: Carry Me Over

I often explore the theory of whether or not there is a God. Since I was a child, I always thought that I made my own fate, that I was the only one in charge of my future. After all, I was the one making the choices that would lead to said future, so why in the world would one believe that there's a giant bearded man in the clouds making those choices for us? It simply never made much sense to me, and this is the trait that I would always mentally explore. It wasn't too much of a question as to if there is a God, but more as to what exactly he does. I do believe in him, but I've yet to find a true purpose for him outside of placing life on Earth. I mean, what doesn't make sense to me is just how powerful this being is – if he is a being at all to begin with. Is he only the reason that we're here, and isn't nearly as powerful as we think? Or are we actually underestimating him, and really have no idea as to his true extent? I realize that many people don't really believe in fate, but I have trouble defining much of what has gone on in my life as something other than that. Fate is what I see what I'm going through as. Fate placed me in a situation where Shinji could get a hold of me again, fate convinced him that I was ready to go back to my old life, and fate has adjusted my personality in a manner that I would accept.

The car ride there was more than just a little awkward, it was unbearable. I wasn't able to say a word the entire time, mainly because of a mixture of my own shame on how I acted back at the house when the situation was this serious, and my pure shock at the entire scenario. Shinji still hasn't explained a single thing to me, and all that I know is that my former employer never really went under… figuratively, at least. It certainly went underground in the literal sense, and was currently underneath a supposedly run-down movie theater. I had no idea what to expect, and I'm certainly the kind of person who gains anxiety from this. It was because of this unknowing that I tried to at least dress myself up a little bit – I wore a pair of tight, dark denim jeans with a fairly nice black blouse. Plain, yes, but presentable none the less.

"I'm glad you decided to at least look around," I never said yes, but only because I didn't know exactly what I was saying yes to, "I think you'll like what you see."

"Somehow I doubt that. The only use for what we used to do without angels around is war, and I won't be a part of that," it's the same purpose a gun serves – if it is not being used to shoot a criminal, it's being used to shoot an innocent. In other words, if it isn't used for productive purposes, it's being used for harmful purposes.

"I can promise you we have nothing to do with anything of the sort," Jesus, he sounds just like his father…

"But you are still being paid by the government, right?" he stayed silent, "So at any moment, they could turn around and say what you'll be using the Evas for, right?" once again, he is silent, "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"You… really have no idea what's going on, so I'm not going to say anything until you see for yourself," and what's that supposed to mean? After all we've been through, you think that he would at least slightly trust me to believe him!

"Oh, let me guess, you're no longer a pilot, are you? That's why Misato's answering to you, isn't it?" he looks over at me in a manner I've never seen before… it was almost scary.

"You really need to learn to shut your mouth unless you know the entire situation! You don't even know the half of what's going on, so here's an idea, quit jumping to conclusions!" he did not just yell at me! Forget this, he isn't worth my time!

"Let me out," I don't know where I think he was going to stop – we were on the expressway.

"Oh yeah, real typical, running away again."

"I said let me out!"  
"You know Asuka, some people just never change. You're still the same weak, small, arrogant little girl you were before you ran out and became a whore!" I eyes shoot open as I stare at his furious face, "You know what? You want out? Fine," he pulls into the emergency lane and brings the car to a screeching halt, reaching over me and swinging open the door after he does so, "Go," I feel the tears start to well up in my eyes, but I force them back.

"I hate you…" I glare at him as he returns the favor.

"You hate me? _You_ hate _me_?" he grabs my wrist, making me come closer to his face, "You're the one who ran out on me!" he stayed silent for a moment, staring at my shocked face. Did he just say I ran out on him? "We spent every day together for over a year, we saved each other's lives, we were each other's firsts, and you ran out on all of it!" I see tears start to form in his furious eyes… and I can feel my own starting to run down my face, "And do you know what you left me with?" he finally lets me go with a throwing of my wrist and looks out the window, not able to look at me anymore, "Absolutely nothing… if you leave again, you'll do the exact same thing, but I'm not going to stop you, and I'm not looking for you again," I can't believe he just said all of that to me… there's no way I affected him that much… there's no way he cares for me that much…

"I'm… sorry," he looks at me without turning his head, "Listen, I know what I did was stupid, but I didn't do it to hurt you," God, I hate being so sentimental!

"I… have a lot going on right now," yeah, and I bet that I'm part of that, "If you want to go home, I'll take you back, and if you still want to go to NERV, I'll take you there, but either way, I want you to stay with me, okay?" he puts his hand on mine as he looks at me, sending shivers down my spine. We stayed like this for a few moments, both of us contemplating what exactly was happening and what could happen. Without really feeling it, I begin to lean in towards him, and he returned the favor shortly after.

I can't describe just how much I've missed this affection… regardless of how wrong it is. Embracing him in this manner was nothing short of amazing, but at the same time completely insane. I knew what I was getting myself into, and I knew his situation – neither one of us were in any position to be doing this, yet there we were, locked together in his car. I was the first one to break it, pulling back and looking into his eyes once again. Part of me hated myself for kissing a man in a relationship, but the other half was flustered and couldn't even think strait… that side won.

"We really shouldn't do that…"

"Yeah…" I close the door, essentially telling him that I was here to stay. In response, he once again begins to drive, and once again, we were in silence. Somehow, I doubt that we'll talk about this again, but I think I'd be fine with that. We can't keep beating around the bush with each other, but at the same time, we both know nothing can ever happen. As such, I think that we both decided to forget about any possibilities and keep that little experience as a small jewel in our minds.

As we approached the broken down theater he spoke of before, I found myself wondering what exactly I was in store for. I mean, just how much have I missed over the years? Did they get any more pilots? Are we still using the same Evas? Hell, what are we even doing with them? All of my thoughts were soon dashed as we drove into a back alley, and the car started to lower down into the floor. Obviously, it was an over sized elevator, but it still scared the crap out of me! There was nothing but pitch black for a short time, but then out of nowhere, the entire setting was revealed in a dazzling display.

The first thing that caught my eye was a gun-rack like stand, with three large humanoid beings being suspended by their shoulders. The one furthest to the left was my lovely Eva, still shining in its full red glory. The middle was Shinji's, and the last one was Rei's, and they all look exactly the same as the day I left, and they were absolutely beautiful. After inspecting the rest of the area, I realized just how enormous the area was – the floor was almost solid with machinery, such as various weapons for the Evas, spare entry plugs, and other things that were foreign to me. To the far right, which was at least a half a mile down, was a huge glass wall, where I could see countless computers and cubicles, and it was obviously a work station. The only thing that thoroughly confused me was what the Evas were suspended over. Instead of having huge elevators to the surface like they used to, there were three huge holes in the ground. I wasn't at an angle to where I could see down the gaping holes, but I could only imagine that they went down into complete blackness.

"What do you think?" when we were about halfway down, Shinji finally spoke up, "Construction just barely finished a few months ago, but it's been in use since the original NERV went down. To answer your question from before, yes, I am in charge here, but I still do pilot. My father and I run this place under the radar of the government, so no, they have no control over us. We are funded by more than a few billionaires looking to have their names put in the history books, and our power is completely solar, so we can't be tracked. Officially, NERV died four years ago, but unofficially, we're on the next frontier. The three of us have been training for years now, and we're almost ready for entry."

"Three of us? You guys got another pilot?" ugh, that means they were piloting my Eva…

"Yeah, Toji is still with us. He piloted your Eva for a short time, but we had to change it up after we realized the Eva wouldn't accept him. There's another Unit in a different storage area, and yours has been unpiloted for pretty much the entirety of this new NERV," well, isn't that just great? The knuckle head is still piloting…

"What's this new frontier you were talking about before?" he lets out a small smile as we reach the bottom.

"Well, let's go," he steps out of the car without answering my question, "Before we even let you see anything else, you have to sign a few papers – you know, the normal stuff; we're not held responsible for any death. Just like the old days, huh?" we both laugh a little, "Trust me, that's still my father's policy," we walk through a door that was close to where the car landed, and I was instantly greeted with the typical picture of Gendo at his desk, working on some paper, "Asuka's finally stable, we can bring her aboard."

"Has she been told of the circumstances at hand?" he never looked up from his work.

"Not yet, which is why I brought her here. I assumed you would want her to sign the releases first," Gendo places his hand on a seemingly random piece of paper and slid it towards the front without a word, "Thank you."

"Whoa, hold on, I'm confused. What's going on here? What is NERV even doing?" Gendo finally looked up from the paper and into my eyes, sending a chill down my spine.

"We will inform you once you sign in. let's not waste more time, yes?" with a sigh, I lean over, grab the pen he presented me, and signed on the dotted line without reading a single word of it. I swear, this better be worth it, "Good," he stands up and, for once, smiles just enough for the world to see, "I'm happy to see you back Second, but unfortunately, you won't have the settling in time we have all had the luxury of. Shinji, we need to get some work done, Asuka will have to be guided by someone else," seriously? Like, seriously? I just barely got used to him being next to me, and you're making me go out on my own? "I will call Kaji, he should be close by."

"I am," I couldn't help but let out a small shriek as a older version of a familiar face walked up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Ah, how convenient," how is Gendo so casual about this?! "Come Shinji," without so much as a goodbye, they leave the room through a door to the right. When I turn around, I see Kaji with his typical face of full confidence, just slightly more aged.

"Good to see you again Asuka," I didn't realize just how much I missed that warming smile.

"Hi… Kaji…" I was far from falling for him like I did what I was younger, but I can definitely see how I did – he looks breathtaking even now!

"Are you sure you're ready for this? You can take all the time you need, I would completely understand, but once you get in, you can't get out," why is he so concerned about me? I mean sure, I understand that this is a serious situation, but it's not like I haven't been in this before.

"Yeah, I'm sure, and thanks for asking, I appreciate it," he smiles ear to ear as he turns and begins to walk.

"Okay, well, on our way, I think that small history lesson is in order. Are you familiar with a thirteenth century scholar known as Dante Alighieri?" what the hell is he talking about?

"Um… yeah, I guess… but I don't really know anything about him," we stuck to the perimeter of the building as we walked, allowing me to get a close up view of much of the hardware I saw earlier.

"Well, he wrote an epic poem known as the Divine Comedy, which is an umbrella title for three sub-poems, Inferno, Paradiso, and Purgatorio, each outlining a different afterlife in the Christian faith. Now, this was obviously a work of fiction, but he made an enormous impact on said faith. He single handedly created the very idea of what Heaven and Hell would look like, and from what we can gather, he was actually pretty close to the truth," you know, he really hasn't changed a bit. Always the all-knowing shady type, never really telling the whole truth. But, I'm not going to lie, it really is nice to see him again.

"Wait, pretty close to the truth? What are you talking about?" how would we know what's really there?

"Well, see, after we did a little bit of research, we finally came to a conclusion. See, there are actually nine layers of attainable heaven, each gaining more and more perfection as one rises through them. Contrary to popular belief, gaining access into heaven isn't like walking into a room of Eden; the more perfect you were in the eyes of God during your life, the higher up you get to go, and the better it is – this is essentially how it works. Technically, there is a tenth level, but we believe this is where God himself resides, and is beyond reach. While it is true that each of the angels represents a different path that man could have taken, what we recently found out is that they are each from a certain layer in Heaven… but, as you may have noticed, there were eighteen true angels, which brings me to my next point. After looking closer at each angel, we realized that all of them were extremely different genetically speaking from one another, which is quite odd seeing as they all descended from the same source. Now, they were almost all completely unique – but, as we came to find out, they were quite common in sets of two. By this, I mean that for each layer of Heaven, two closely related angels resided. Are you with me so far?" Kaji really needs to learn how to be less long-winded…

"And… you know all of this how? What, have you people actually seen these layers of Heaven?" somehow, by his response, I knew he wasn't just making up something as he went along; it was too seamless.

"No, but those pairs of angels did share a very close external environment signature, telling us that Heaven is an actual location and less of a place for souls. All of this is theory – theory with backing evidence, but theory none the less. Trust me, this isn't some blind dart throw towards the general direction of truth," I wonder what movie he stole that off of…

"Okay, okay, I believe you. Are you getting to some kind of point here?" he lowers his head and laughs a little.

"Always impatient Asuka, always impatient… okay, yes, there is a point. Dante, who I brought up earlier, spoke of all of these layers in Heaven, which he called Paradiso. Well, since he was completely right about all these layers, we can only assume that he was right about these other layers in Inferno – otherwise known as Hell," he paused for a moment, probably assuming that I would say something. I would have, but I was still fairly confused, so I shut myself up, "You may have heard of the seven deadly sins, correct?" I responded with a simple 'mhm', "Well, if Dante was correct, there is a layer for each of those sins, each getting closer and closer to Lucifer. We're not exactly sure, but we think that each of these layers also has its own forms of angels. Now, to be completely honest, this part of our theory is pretty much a dart throw… ready?" I finally got sick of him asking me those types of questions, so I don't even reply, "If you haven't noticed, there's been a huge increase of pretty much anything bad in the world these last four years. Natural disasters in general have been occurring twice as often, crime rates have increased tenfold, and suicides are just as bad. We don't think this is all mere coincidence."

"So what, you think that Satan is doing this or something? I have to say Kaji, that sounds kind of retarded," I could care less if that was politically incorrect, this is just stupid!

"Well, not quite; we think that Earth works much like the whole yin and yang theory – see, we took out all of the angels, which were the embodiment of 'good' in our universe. The only source of righteousness right now is God himself, which apparently not enough. If there are angels for each layer of hell like we believe, then evil is overpowering God… by a lot. Which bring me to the point of this…" without me really realizing it, we approached a door in a seemingly random place in the wall, "Keep in mind that contract stated if you tell anyone about this, we'll have to kill you. Quite literally," well, that's good to know… I suppose I should have read the fine print, huh? He pulls a card from his pocket, slides it through a reader next to the door, and it slides open immediately to show a pitch black room.

"I'm about to see something that shouldn't really be here, aren't I?" when will NERV learn to just keep their hands out of the supernatural?

"Ah! So you _are_ starting to catch on! Okay, so maybe we do have some hard evidence of angels from Inferno…" after leading me into the darkness and closing the door, the lights blast on to reveal a huge glass wall at least a football field high with a dense green liquid filling it. It was extremely murky, so I could barely see anything inside, but there was a large black figure in there.

"Please don't tell me you have another Adam…" at this point, I'm rubbing my temples, realizing just how similar this is to past events.

"We call him Sirus!" he presses a button on the wall, and the murky water suddenly becomes completely clear. Floating in the water was an enormous being in the vague shape of an eagle or other great bird. The wings were folded up against its pitch black body, and the eternally open eyes showed a cat's pupil against a deep red background. I don't think that there was a single feather in its place – it was almost as if the bird's skin had been rotting for years, and the feathers have simply failed to fall off. The talons were nothing but bloody stumps, implying that this bird did nothing but fly its entire life, but is still having to stare at onlookers during death.

"What did you people do…?" at first, I was completely joking about this whole situation, but now that I'm seeing the hard evidence… it's terrifying…

"We managed to keep it extremely isolated, but this bird sprang up from a volcano not too far off coast. It just so happened that Rei was in her Eva at the time, and she was able to take it down fairly easily. Sirus came up about a year ago, and there hasn't been any activity since then, allowing us to research this monster much deeper. We feel that it is essentially the first of fourteen angels from Hell – things we've come to call Deviants," at least they didn't call them demons, that would have been corny as hell, "The only thing that's confusing us is just why he came here. The original angels came about from trying to rescue Lilith, but we have no idea why this would come to us in full knowledge that we could kill it…"

"Maybe you have something it wants?" hey, might as well throw that out there.

"Yeah, we thought about that, but we really have no idea what it would be… however, all we can do is hope that another one shows up soon. Our best guess is that we have to take out these Deviants in order to bring back the balance we threw out," Jesus, what have we gotten ourselves into? "So… any questions?"

"Yeah, I actually do have just one…" I grab his shoulder and make him look at me, "Why do you people think holding on to this thing is a good idea?! Let me ask you something, how did that turn out with Lilith, hm? What about Adam? Does anything good ever come from these little experiments?" he just looks down at me with that same cocky smile.

"No, but what choice to you propose we have? If we just leave it outside, it'll be found by civilians, and that'll cause a panic. We learned our lesson with keeping the angel attacks so public. Keeping it in here was the lesser of two evils. Plus, like I said, we actually want the other deviants to come to us, remember? We're trying to not poke and prod at this thing quite as much as we did the angels, but still. Now that you've learned of the situation, what do you say to a little reunion with your Eva, hm?" now that actually doesn't sound too bad!

"Really? I'm going to be piloting?" suddenly, the smile he had slowly fades.

"Yeah, but we're not sure if you'll even be able to pilot… Evas have shown some resistance to any sort drug-infested pilots," my eyes widen at his comment. Did Shinji tell him…?

"How… did you find out…?" somehow, I managed to keep my eyes locked with his, regardless of how mortified I was.

"I've kept an eye on you ever since you dropped out of school. I'm the one who told Shinji where to find you – your meeting with Rei and Shinji the night after was far from a coincidence, though I must say Rei's meeting was a… little unorthodox," I can't believe he knows everything… "Regardless, you have to promise me that you're not on anything right now. If you even have a trace of anything in your system, the Eva could easily completely shut down with you inside of it."

"I don't… I mean, I had some alcohol last night, but I'm not hung over or anything," my eyes have since averted to the ground, unable to keep contact with him. How long is that going to be around to embarrass me so much? How long until people just forget about it? Jesus, I hope the rest of NERV doesn't know…

"That's fine, I just want you safe," he places a hand on my shoulder, forcing me to look up at his warm, welcoming face, "Now, how about we get out of the slums? Let's go, I want to see if you've lost your touch over these years," we walk out of the slowly dimming room with his arm around my shoulder, comforting me and lowering my stress level.

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm almost a little happy to know that someone had their eye on me the whole time, and that Shinji went there specifically for me. On the other hand, why didn't they come for me earlier? I mean sure, it was my choice and it's not like they were supposed to pull me from it, but if they were going to do it anyway, why did they wait that long? I mean Jesus, they let me get to the point that I was selling my body! I wouldn't be surprised if Shinji intentionally waited that long just to teach me some messed up lesson, and again, it wasn't his responsibility, but I'm still annoyed. I suppose, more than anything, I'm just furious with myself for allowing it to get that bad, and I'm looking for a way out by way of blaming others, just as I've done so much before.

We walked along that same wall for roughly ten minutes, eventually coming to yet another seemingly random door, but this one was far from dark – I was able to see every confusing detail about it. The first thing that caught my eye was a large tube filled with LCL in the middle of the room, and Rei floating in the middle of it in full Eva uniform. The tube was surrounded by about five different computers, all with people busily working away at them. Along the walls were huge monitors with all too familiar sync ratio information on them. It was a fairly small room compared to the last room, but still large none the less.

"This is our Ratio Test room. Instead of powering up the whole Eva like we used to do to check your ratios, we simply put you in a simulator that does essentially the exact same thing. Much more productive, and less stressful on the pilots. Rei here has been holding a 98.4 percent for about an hour now, and we're just about ready to let her down," that high? She looks like she's asleep! There's no way that this thing compares to the real deal, "You'll be trying your hand at this pretty soon. Akagi will give you a physical first to make sure everything's in order, but that shouldn't take too long."

"Wait, what? She's giving me a physical?" it's not that I cared about her doing that to me, I got used to it back in the old days, but I don't want her to see any signs of… my past life, "Kaji," he holds up a hand.

"She won't see your scars. It's only basic intake; pulse, weight, height, the basic stuff. Don't worry, Shinji, Gendo, Rei, and I are the only people here who know about that went on, and I plan on keeping it that way. Don't stress yourself out," I still don't like even those people knowing it. A small pause occurred as we both stared up at Rei floating in what seemed to be bliss, "Hey, Ritsuko, come here for a second," wait, she's here? Kaji turned towards one of the computers on the wall, and I finally caught glimpse of that same typical hairstyle she had all those years ago. How did I not notice her before? Sure, there's at least fifty people in here I've never seen before, but still.

"One moment Kaji, I'm working. Go bug Gendo or something," yep, that's her – hasn't lost the high and mighty act I see.

"I have Asuka here," Ritsuko's head finally turned to look at me. Her face has grown quite old over the years – she had the beginnings of wrinkles already. I guess all this stress got to her… "You need to take her into the health office and give her a basic physical to make sure she's okay to test her sync ratio."

"Well, if it isn't the famous Asuka. Back from the dead I see," she walks over to me and holds out a hand. I return the favor. A handshake? Really? "Okay then, if you'll follow me I'll get this out of the way. It shouldn't take too long," she begins to walk towards the back of the room. A little intimidated, I look up at Kaji. For some reason, I just never really enjoyed being around Akagi – she's just too forward about everything.

"I'll be waiting out here when you get back. Try and hurry, you have a busy day today," with a sigh, I give into the demands just as I used to. You know, me running out on everyone wasn't some random act of rebellion; I did it because I hated doing the same thing every day. I'm the kind of person to where I get bored extremely easily, and on top of that, I just wasn't a huge fan of the people to begin with. Sure, there were a few exceptions – Kaji, Shinji, and Misato – but not enough to outweigh the countless hours I was forced to spend with everyone else. Unfortunately for me, it seems I temporarily forgot this fact, and now I'm beginning to slip into the exact same spiral again. Hell, I can already tell how this is all going to play out; it'll be great fun for awhile, but after about three or four months, I'll be so sick of everything that I'll just do something rash again. I won't go back to my old life, but I certainly see myself doing something else.

"Okay, this won't take long," she closes the door behind me as we enter a small, typical medical room. Not much in here; a cabinet, bed, and a few other medical instruments were the only things that I could see. She motioned me to sit on the bed, and I did so, "First, I just need a little history over these past few years," great…

"History?" she looks up at me over her newfound clipboard.

"Well, I'm just going to update your file from when you worked here before. We need to make sure that the Eva won't reject you in any way," I've already made up my mind to lie about the drugs, "Okay, first off, I'm going to go ahead and assume you're no longer a virgin – am I correct?"

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?!" I could feel my face glowing red. Jesus, that was one hell of a first question!

"Wow, calm down Asuka, I'm just reading this off. Evas have been known to handle… 'pure' individuals better than the other breed. We found that out when Shinji finally confessed to having relations when his sync ratio fell into the thirties. I mean, it can definitely be recovered, but it's just giving us a heads up," wait, if Shinji fessed up, then how is it she's asking me this? Well, he did sleep with Rei first after all, he probably pinned it on her…

"And what of Rei? How did it affect her?" Akagi looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

"Rei started having trouble about six months after her and Shinji started dating… we just kind of assumed that's what happened… wait, you a Shinji were together?" her eyes got wide. Crap… I couldn't have just kept my mouth shut, could I? "He always said it was one of his other girlfriends… we didn't even know you two were dating!" what is she, twelve?

"I thought scientists weren't supposed to jump to conclusions… we never dated Rits, it was just a one night stand," hey, I'm already in the hole, I might as well come out with it, "But seriously, it really affects pilots that much? Why?" she shook her head, snapping out of the brief moment of gossip she was gaining.

"Oh, well, we're not exactly sure, but it definitely happens," wait, six months after they started dating? "We think it has something to do with the Eva sensing the hormonal changes in the body after losing virginity," I thought Shinji was with me and Rei at the same time? "On the other hand, it could also be an emotional aspect," so… I wasn't just a toy for him? "I mean, there's bound to be some drastic emotional changes in the mind of the pilot after such an event," I really was his first time… "We're actually still looking into it," and he was mine… "Anyway," I snap out of my deep thought, "Are you currently suffering from any form of infection, such as fungal, viral, or bacterial?"

"Not that I know of, no," the interview went on quite a bit like this for about another five minutes. She never asked me anything about drugs, not even alcohol – it was all about illnesses and emotional stuff. Part of me wondered if this was more of a psychological exam, but frankly, I couldn't care less. I couldn't help but be relieved in the knowledge that I was wrong about Rei and Shinji – Shinji chose me first, and her second. She was nothing more than backup for when I was away, which means that there still might be a possibility… I really shouldn't think that way…

"Okay, that's it for that. Now all I need are few basic vitals and we'll be done here," she poked and prodded at me for a few moments, checking pulse, temperature, and blood oxygenation, before having me stand up on a scale, "Jeez Asuka, you need to put on a few pounds, it's unhealthy for a woman like you to weigh one-ten. You should be at least one-twenty, but it's not that big of an issue," yeah, as if I didn't know I was underweight, "Regardless, we're done here. Rei should be out of the test chamber now, which means you're up. Your plug suit is hanging in the cabinet, please be ready in ten minutes," and with that, she walked out of the room. Thank God she didn't ask me anything about my past life! I couldn't help but wear a smile as I opened the cabinet and revealed a new plug suit of the same design as the one from years ago.

"Long time no see…" I have to admit, I'm looking forward to trying out my Eva again! Just as I grab the plug suit, there was a knocking at the door, "I' getting dressed, hold on."

"Akagi told me to come tell you how to put it on. These things are a new design, it's not the same as before," I heard Rei's voice on the other side.

"Oh… okay, come in," she slips in and closes the door. Her face was far from cheerful – she's probably still hung over! "Heh, still feeling the effects of last night I see."

"I'm not hung over," she takes the suit out of the cabinet and shows me the back of it, "See this black line going down the center?" she pointed to the line in question, "It's made up of living tissue that re-seals itself whenever torn. It's the only way in and out of the suit. To get in, you just rip it open," using quite a bit of force, she forces the back of the suit open, "And step inside. It takes two people to get into one of these things; the person that's not in the suit has to hold the two sides together while the tissue connects again. It only takes about thirty seconds," why is she being so cold? Her voice is like it was all those years ago – absolutely no emotion, "Now hurry up and get undressed," she throws the suit on the bed and turns around, "Tell me when you're in the suit," feeling a little awkward with her in here, I do as I was told, trying to hurry up as much as possible. Just as it used to be, the suit was extremely saggy before making it air tight, which I assumed came after the tissue thing.

"Okay, I'm in it…" facing in her direction, I let out a barely audible noise of completion, "Now what?" she turns around and eyes me up and down.

"Just turn around, I'll attach it," doing as I was told, she took hold of the two sides and placed them together, pressing up against my back as she did this, "You know Asuka, relationships are really fragile things. As you know, I just think that they're a combination of the desire to mate and the evolutionary aspect of our brains being so advanced. However, I don't really see them as needless things – they're absolutely necessary, and when one is put in jeopardy, most people fight for it. Don't you agree?" where the hell is all of this coming from?

"Um… I guess…"

"Now, infidelity is almost inevitable with most people. I almost expect that from Shinji, and he expects it from me – this is why we're so open with our sexual relations. However, I am not fond of the idea of being open with mental relations," she took a short pause before beginning once again, "I didn't sleep last night. I wanted to, but Shinji wouldn't let me. See, he seems to be quite protective of you Asuka – much like a boy is with his dog. He didn't approve of what I presented you with last night, even though you're an adult and should be able to make your own choices. It seems as if he's grown quite fond of you…" she lets go of the plug suit and it automatically creates an air-tight seal, forcing the material up against my skin, "Again," I begin to turn around to look at her as I spoke.

"I don't think that-" before could turn around, she grabs hold on my hair with her right hand, forcing me to bend backwards as she whispered in my ear.

"If you take Shinji, I have absolutely no vices with making your life a living hell," before I could say anything, she kicks the back of my knees, forcing me to the floor, "And I dare you to tell anyone what just happened," with that, she left the room. What the hell just happened?! And why didn't I fight back? Does she think I'm trying to take Shinji form her? I mean sure, I wouldn't mind being with him, but I'd never take another woman's man! Man, she must be crazy or something… I need to talk to her tonight, try and clear up anything that's going on…

"Crazy, just crazy…" I get up and brush off the dust on my knees. Trying to get rid of any form of emotion on my face, I open the door and walk out into the cool environment.

A/N – Not one of my favorite chapters, but it needed to be done – it set the stage for a few more things to come. I've already gotten half of the next chapter written, and it's quite… let's say interesting. The angst has certainly come back, as can be seen in the last couple paragraphs, and it's pretty much going to continue on for quite awhile. Expect a huge style change next chapter and beyond, there's going to be some really drastic changes coming. See exactly what I'm talking about in the next chapter, Rondo; until then, keep on keepin' on!

A/A/N – Song: Rondo in D Major, Artist: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. And yes, this actually has meaning… listen to it on YouTube or something!


	9. Rondo

Chapter 9: Rondo

Within five minutes of leaving that cold room and avoiding any glances at Rei, I was up in that same tube being tested. It was a fairly foreign experience, since I haven't so much as seen LCL in the last few years, but I have to admit, it was extremely calming. Unlike the experiences back in sync tests with the Evas, there was no outside communication, resulting in nothing but complete silence. At first, I was more annoyed than anything – I can kind of see why Rei had her eyes closed. I felt so exposed to everyone staring at me, and by closing my eyes, it at least made me feel as if I was alone. Outside of this, I enjoyed it quite a bit; more than anything, it gave me some time to think about what Rei had said.

Part of me was furious at her, and I would have usually at least got in a few punches to her if she had pulled that under normal circumstances, but the majority of me was feeling overly guilty because of what occurred between Shinji and I earlier in the day. No, she didn't know about it, and she was mad under false pretences, but I knew that if she was aware of everything, she had more than enough of a right to me furious at me. I'm just not sure whether to be angry or mournful for what I've done; on one hand, she physically assaulted me, and she deserves at least the same from me. However, on the other, I did just kiss her 'mate', as she would call it, of three years. And hell, beyond her, what the hell just happened between Shinji and I? I mean, I really didn't mean to kiss him, but it just felt… right… and it's not like I forced it upon him. He kissed me right back!

… that still doesn't make me feel any better…

How am I even going to go home tonight? What's going to happen between Shinji and I, and even more-so, between Shinji and Rei? I mean Jesus, just how awkward is this going to be when I get home tonight? Will we bring up anything? Will we have an all-out war with each other? Damn… I don't even want to leave this tube… however, this was a hopeless wish, as before I realized it, the half-hour it apparently takes to run this sync test had already passed. After a quick scan of the room, I saw that Rei was absent from the crowd – luckily, she's an easy spot with that plug suit of hers. Kaji, however, was below me with his typical pose of crossed arms. I couldn't help but return the flashed smile he sent my way. That let me know I still had what was needed to pilot…

I got out of the tube the same way I got in; they slowly drained the LCL, and when it was finally empty and my feet made contact with the ground, a small door opened in front of me, allowing me out of the mach-chamber.

"Take a guess," Kaji immediately broke the silence, and I, of course, knew what he meant.

"Eighty five," I was being modest – I knew all too well that I did better than that.

"Ninety nine," I can't believe I did that well! "Point five," that is, by far, the highest score I've ever gotten… how am I so high level on my first try? Is this test accurate? I suppose it has to be – after all, it's their main use of testing now, "We weren't really planning on it, but we would like you to try out your Eva on a real sync test. Nothing beats the real thing, right?" I'm still completely speechless at my score, and honestly, I still hadn't fully processed what he just said. Feeling my smile reach from ear to ear and consciously forgetting all about the Rei issue, all I could muster was a small nod as I followed him out of the room.

After a small debriefing with some technician that I've never seen before, I was crawling into the obviously remodeled entry plug. In essence, it was the same, but there were definitely new features in it. For one, the horrid arcade-esque joy sticks were now replaced with pure white half-orbs which, I was told, I would simply place my hands on and it would essentially read what I wanted the Eva to do. The pedals were also replaced with pretty much the same function, and there was apparently an enhanced HUD display that I have yet to see. With a little bit of anticipation, I take my seat and attempt to power on the Eva. Since I started piloting, I always would power the Eva up the moment I entered the plug, regardless of orders from higher ranking members of NERV – I hated the pure darkness that engulfed me. However, this proved to be impossible this time around… I guess that they finally solved the solution of the pilots having complete control over the Eva. I must admit, the darkness was slightly… terrifying.

"Okay, Asuka," Ritsuko's face suddenly appears on the HUD, killing the darkness after what seemed like an eternity, "We're injecting the Eva with your plug right now. Just try to keep your mind clear for a little bit, just slowly merge your mind with the Eva. It's been awhile since this Unit has felt you, so give it time to adjust," following her advice and cringing when the lights once again go out, I brace myself for the jerking motion I was so used to that is represented by the entry. This, however, didn't really come quite fast enough for me, and this terror of the dark quickly turned into a mix of annoyance and fear. I went to call out, but as I was taking the breath to do so, I realized that without any power, I knew they couldn't hear me. With a grunt, I cross my arms and await any updates.

While I was sitting in the darkness, I began to hear subtle voices in the background – while this does sound odd, it's completely normal. This would happen all the time in this situation those years ago, and I've mentally justified it to myself. In essence, I have more than a few of senses completely cut off; hearing due to the silence, taste due to the water like LCL, smell for the same reason, touch due to the perfect ninety-eight point six degree liquid, and obviously sight. Essentially, my body was left completely without any sense of the real world, so it begins to create its own. It always began with subtle, impossible to understand voices in the background, and after a few hours this evolved into small balls of light flashing in front of me. To me, this was normal, but something was certainly off about this experience.

I knew these voices, and I could understand them all too perfectly.

To begin with, I was a little happy to hear these voices – it was only Shinji. He was repeating all of his lectures he gave to me over these past few months, starting with the first one and slowly working his way up. I believe I started to cry when he essentially made me strip in front of him, but I couldn't be sure in the fluid environment. I still like to think of my past life as a dream, as I simply can't face that I would to such things. By the time that he finally finished speaking, I believe that roughly half an hour had passed, but I couldn't be sure; time always seemed to warp in these things. Even more annoyed and scared than before, I decide to at least let out a 'hello?' in an attempt to get someone's attention. This, of course, was useless.

Without me really realizing it, Shinji's voice slowly faded out into nothing, and I only found this out consciously when it was completely silent. This, even more than the darkness, struck a serious fear string inside me. Why had these noises stopped? They never stopped before, and even beyond this, they were never as understandable as that. Perhaps my mind has just matured over the years, and my sense of imagination has increased… either that or I'm going insane. Personally, I'd vote for the latter, but would like to believe the former.

Starting to get even more annoyed, I decided to finally open my eyes and at least try to see something. This was met with predictable results, but I nearly jumped out of my skin when I realized my body gloved in a plug suit was fully visible, as if it was put under an enormous light… but nothing else was visible what so ever. This was a completely new experience, and it was so clear that I began to think it had something to do with this new entry plug. Once again, I call out to no avail. I could feel my heart racing to much to where I could actually hear it, and all at once, I have a full on anxiety attack.

I hated the dark… I hated being alone… I hated the unknown… my world is filled with this right now, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Screaming, I pound my fist into the locked door of the plug until I was sure it was bleeding and my voice was hoarse… still nothing. I wanted to be out of here more than anything, and the overwhelming feeling of dread was more than I could handle. Feeling incapable of anything, I curl up into my typical fetal position and try to keep my voice silent as I cried into my knees.

Why is this affecting me so much?! I hate this! I promised myself I wouldn't be overwhelmed anymore! But at the same time, what the hell is going on? Why didn't they tell me any of this would be happening? Is this even supposed to be happening? I mean hell, how are they making this happen?

At first, I felt as if I was dreaming – maybe I fell asleep in my terror and this was the result. However, it was all too real, and I could feel the seat disappearing from underneath me, along with the overall environment leaving me. I feel my lungs fill with air, and a new level of fear filled my soul. It was worse than anything I've ever felt, and only compounding the fear, I started to hear voices once again. They were far from Shinji's.

"You are far from God, and you are nowhere near Lucifer. You are deemed unworthy of either presence, and you are deemed unworthy of any form of acknowledgement," the voice was raspy and barely understandable, but still clear enough for me to hear every word. The voice sounded as if it originated from a man many centuries old, and the depression in this was nothing short of horrifying, "Dwell in your own sins, vile scum…" with that, the omnipresent voice completely disappeared, leaving me once again in the silence. Fearing what may come next, I try to stand up and touch my feet to the non-existent floor, obviously to no avail. I feel the tears rolling down my face as a small light begins to form right under my feet.

The light began as nothing more than the size of a pinhead, but quickly grew to something about the size of a normal living room… in fact, it was a living room… the pure white light differentiated itself into a multitude of colors, and eventually revealed itself to be a perfect model of a living room that I almost grew up in. The random newspapers lying all around, the multitude of beer cans on the glass table in the middle, and a young pair of opposite sexes staring at each other as they slowly approached one another. The familiar red head pinched the boy's nose, instructing him on something he's never done before shortly before their lips actually meet. A small smile stretched across my face as I looked down on a fond memory, regardless of how I acted afterwards, which was soon presented to me as that same red head ran out of the room, leaving the boy humiliated and alone once again.

"You realize he still dreams about this, don't you?" that same man again… I go to answer, but I felt it impossible to even take in the breath to do so, "He cried that night, all alone, while you watched TV, all alone," the vision lasted much longer than I would have liked it to, and it showed me images that I had no idea occurred after I left – Shinji pacing, making food, and eventually completely forgetting about it in the microwave as he went to bed. I had no idea I hurt him that badly… "Dwell in it!" for the first time, the man raises his voice to me, making me jump. Sure, I felt bad for the whole thing, but we were just kids! It was just a kiss! Sure, I was mean, I admit that, but it's not like I hit him or anything!

The light makes a one-eighty from before, slowly fading out until I was left in the darkness once again. I try to speak, but just like before, it was cut off before I could even take the breath. I suppose it was better this way – what could I even say?

A similar light to the right catches my eye as it grows, showing a sight that was nothing like the last – it actually made me smile. Those same two children, now obviously older, were just sitting on a sofa, completely ignoring the powered television as they brought themselves closer to each other as they did in the last vision. Unlike then, however, they both enjoyed it, and there was none of that youthful ignorance behind it. As the red head placed her hand on his face, it immediately struck me as to what this vision was… something that I've been confused with the moment we finished. I was forced to watch the entire action as I felt tears start to drape down my face; mainly because I knew what was coming. A few words were exchanged between the two children before drifting off to sleep together. The vision jumped through time just enough o show the young woman kiss the sleeping boy's forehead and walk out of the room for the last time.

"You once again betray him," but I regret it! "He was the only one keeping you at least partially pure," I hate not being able to talk back to this! I had my reasons! "And this is the result," unlike the other two, a light to the left shot open to show a scene that I certainly don't remember, but that I know occurred.

Vision was extremely similar to that of the previous one; the red head was pinned underneath another man, both of them completely nude, while the woman had a look of pure emptiness on her face. I could tell that this was fairly soon after I started working for Dee, since I still looked fairly healthy. For this round, I didn't cry. I didn't shed so much as a tear, but I did, however, force myself into a ball while I looked down at the previous life. Seeing my own body lie there like a rag doll while a complete stranger had his way with me was absolutely… sickening. The more I watched, the more I felt like vomiting, and a few times during the twenty minute action I almost did. Subconsciously, I began to dig my nails into their opposite arms, trying to redirect the pain of watching myself sell my body for nothing.

How have I become such a whore? As a child, I would be so conscious of my body that I absolutely refused to let others even close to me, and yet, all within a year, I was turning tricks for the cost of a hit – under a dollar. Hell, even now I still consider myself to be selling my body… I'm about a week away from becoming Shinji's mistress, I just got done signing my live to NERV not even five hours ago, and I slept with Jun after he paid for only a few drinks… I'm absolute scum. Maybe I should just leave and start a new life somewhere else, somewhere that they don't so much as know my name, let alone know of what I've become. But if I leave, I know that I'll eventually fall back into the horrid life I just freed myself from…

"He doesn't care for you," the man once again spoke up, "You do realize this, correct? He only sees you as a doll he can once again play with," that's a lie… "And you allow him to. You enjoy being controlled by others," I hate it! "You love being submissive, being told what to do and how to do it," I've never been like that in my life! "That's why you become nothing more than a cheap hooker," no…

"Stop it!" I scream at the top of my lungs into my knees, scraping my nails along my arms once again until I knew for a fact there was blood.

With a deep gasp, I open my eyes to see nothing but white, and as my eyes focused on the surroundings, I found myself in a hospital room with four nurses holding me down, each glued to a limb. A sudden panic struck me as I realized what exactly was surrounding me; an oxygen mask covered by face, and the gown I was wearing was absolutely drenched in sweat. The heart monitor I was hooked up to was beeping profusely, matching the rhythm of my heart, which I could feel pounding inside my chest.

"Doctor, she's awake," one of the nurses calls out while they all still held their grasp on my limbs, "We think…"

"Good, good. I'm coming," a male's voice called out from the hallway, "Soryu, right?" what the hell happened to me? Was that all a dream? No, that can't be… I can see the scratch marks on my arms, so all that definitely happened…

"Yeah," as the nurse replied, the doctor walked in the door with his eyes planted on a clipboard with, what I assume, my vitals on it, "Can we let go of her?"

"Yes, please, she's okay now. How are you feeling?" the nurses disperse, leaving the doctor and I alone in a room, "You went through quite a lot," I couldn't even reply – I wasn't even fully convinced this was real. After what I just went through, I wasn't about to believe anything right now, "Can you speak?" I just kept staring at him, never really taking in any of his distinguishing features, "Well, I suppose you were in a traumatic experience. Whenever you're ready to speak, you can go ahead and press that button right there," he points to a red button on the nightstand next to the bed. With that he, left me alone in the room.

What was all of that? And how did he know that it was traumatic? Did they do that to me on purpose? Was that some kind of psychological test? No… there's no way that they'd risk the safety of their pilots for some test… but if not that, then what? Jesus, I hated seeing all of that again… what have I become? I mean hell, what was I thinking that whole time? And even now! I'm still selling my body to Shinji and NERV, even if it's not for money! Was that man right? Am I choosing this life because I need to be submissive? But I've always been the one to be in charge, not anyone else! I mean sure, I may be falling for Shinji again, but he sure as hell doesn't control me!

… well, except for the fact that he's been barking orders at me since we met up again…

"You're not the only one in this situation," I jump out of my skin at the voice behind me. I turn my head to see Kaji sitting in the chair next to the bed with arms crossed, "Most of the country is still in the trance."

A/N – Yes, I know, this was a much shorter chapter than the last couple ones, but hey, at least I'm updating on Sunday like I said I would be. It's been a crazy week, so I just didn't have much time to write. Regardless, how'd you like the chapter? A few of you may see the direction that I'm beginning to take, and if not, it'll become clear pretty soon. So, check out what's going on in the next chapter, I Never Wanted; until then, keep on keepin' on!

A/A/N – Artist: As I Lay Dying


	10. I Never Wanted

Chapter 10: I Never Wanted

"You're not the only one in this situation," I jump out of my skin at the voice behind me. I turn my head to see Kaji sitting in the chair next to the bed with arms crossed, "Most of the country is still in the trance."

"Wait, what?" I finally broke my personal silence, "So, you know what happened?"

"Yes, unfortunately, I do. To be completely honest with you, we've known of the second Deviant for some time now; about a day. It's been orbiting Earth since we first spotted it, and as of ten hours ago, it shot a massive EMP down to us. We're not sure how, but it caused all of us to go into a trance like state. Between you and I, that was the first circle of hell; Limbo. In Limbo, the sinners are forced to watch their downfalls over and over for eternity – that was just a taste of it. Anyone that was strong enough to break away from it already has… hopefully more do so soon," wait, they knew about that Deviant?

"You weren't seeing if I could still pilot…" he breaks eye contact with me, reassuring my suspicions, "You were going to send me into battle! Are you serious? I haven't so much as seen an Eva in three years!"

"You had the highest sync rate! We had no choice!" for the first time for as long as I've known him, he raises his voice to me, "You see what happens when we ignore these things? We're lucky that an N2 Mine was able to take it out! NERV has no choice but to start its operations again, and you're a part of it now," a coat of silence fell over the room, both of us feeling awkward at what just occurred.

"So… how are the others?"

"Shinji snapped out of it first, then Rits, then me, and the rest of the NERV staff soon followed suit. A few of them are in rooms like this – one of them being Rei. She's gotten to the point where we've had to restrain her, but she calmed down a little this past hour, so we think she'll come out of it soon. Like I said, most of the nation is experiencing this. We're not sure how many fatalities have occurred yet, but Japan seems to be the only area affected by this. Now get up, we have work to do. There are some clothes in the bathroom, meet me in the hallway," he stands up and walks out, leaving me alone. Following his orders, I stand up and walk towards the bathroom.

So he wasn't making all that up… the concept of Limbo seems to make perfect sense, considering the circumstances. Jesus, if that was only the first level – or circle? – of hell, I can't imagine what the others would be like… are we going to have to experience each and every one of them? I suppose I should have seen that coming. After all, I've been through more odd things in my life. I guess the best I can hope for is that each of the Deviants doesn't have that power… after dressing myself in the clothes that I wore here in the first place, I walk out to see Kaji and an obviously worried looking Shinji waiting for me.

"How are you?" Shinji immediately spoke to me, looking almost anxious at the action.

"Me? Oh, I'm fine, just a little shaken up," that was the understatement of the century… I'm still trying to get my heart to slow down. The image of the last vision keeps replaying in my mind, and I can't stand it, "You?"

"Fine, fine, same as you. Sorry for not telling you the whole situation, I never approved of you entering an Eva, the plan wasn't for you to fight," he glares over at Kaji.

"Hey, we needed to do something! You and Gendo were just ignoring the elephant in the room, so Rits and I just decided to-" Shinji holds up a hand, cutting Kaji off.

"I don't want to hear it. Pull something like that again and I have absolutely no issues with lowering your clearance, got it?" Kaji only keeps silent, "Now, Asuka, as much as I hate to do this, you need to learn the new controls of Eva before the next Deviant shows up. If Kaji's hunch is right, then Lust will be next, and since we know so little about this whole situation, we have to be ready for anything. I'll be piloting too, so you won't be alone," I really don't think I can get in that entry plug again… I'm sure he sensed my hesitance, but if he did, he ignored it, "Before that though, let's at least get something to eat," I was finally met with a warm smile of his.

"What time is it?" the lack of clocks and windows around here made it impossible for me to even guess.

"Two AM, so I think we should get breakfast, don't you?"

"I'll be in the control room with Rits," in a cold voice, Kaji leaves Shinji and I standing alone.

"How are you being so calm about this? And with Rei still in the trance…" he leaned up against the wall, looking down at the floor as he put his hands in his pockets.

"Well, I've always thought that we need to stay positive in these times, so we might as well at least eat, you know? And as for Rei, she's stable, so I'm not too worried… what I am worried about is you. We all had our little sins to go through, but you… I'm not trying to be rude, but I'm sure that yours was particularly bad, am I right?" I didn't even have to answer, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah… just… it doesn't matter, I don't want to talk about it. Let's go," he smiles weakly as he begins to walk, guiding the way for me, "How was yours?"

"Nothing too bad. Honestly, it was more of a joke than anything else… it did make me realize a few things though. It was actually a positive thing in my opinion, even if I do still have a blasting headache!" well at least he had a good time…

"Okay, Shinji, I think we need to talk about something," he apparently knew exactly what I was talking about, as he chimed in almost instantly. I really want to know a little more about these Deviants – something tells me he's not giving the whole story.

"Yeah, I know, I know… listen, you know that I'm in a relationship with Rei, but we obviously can't keep beating around the bush like this," um… "I mean, that was the second time something like that happened, and I doubt it'll be the last. I can tell Rei is starting to catch on to what little is going on – she's not a stupid woman after all," I suppose this is what happens when people jump to conclusions, "So, I guess it's up to me to make the move… if I leave her, would you be with me?"

"Well," I put on a small smile, partly because of the situation as a whole, and partly because of pure happiness, "For one, I was talking about the Deviants, so nice speech, but off topic. Secondly, I'm not going to just take you from Rei, it's not fair to her," I decided to leave out the part of her assaulting me, "Sorry."

"Oh… well, this is awkward, huh?" he has no idea how much I wanted to say yes, but I just wouldn't feel right doing that, "Okay then, Deviants… well, from what we know of them, they each represent a circle of Hell. That original bird – Sirus, I think Kaji calls it – was the guardian to Hell, and this new Deviant, one we have dubbed Nemo, represented the first circle… honestly, that's all we know."

"Nemo?" wasn't that a fish?

"Yeah, it's Latin for 'Nothing' – we labeled it this because of the nature of the first circle. But, like I've said before, all of this is just theory. For all we know, these things are still angels that have yet to reveal themselves… of course, there really would be no reason for them to wait this long, so I have no idea. Regardless, we still need to handle them accordingly, so I suppose it doesn't really matter," yeah, that told me nothing new! Once he finished, an awkward silence fell over us as we both continued to think about his previous small speech.

"You realize Rei loves you," he let out a long sigh before continuing on.

"What I realize is that she needs someone to be with. I don't feel like she's actually capable of loving, you know? She's just too distant. Plus, we've both made it pretty clear that what we have is essentially a physical relationship, nothing more," that's not what she thinks at all, "Which… is why I brought that up."

"Well, if she's not capable of loving, then she's quite capable of jealousy. I got chewed out by her because of how you and I have been around each other recently. Listen Shinji, I'm not going to lie and say that I wouldn't want to be with you, but really, what's the point? What will change between us? So we get to have the physical aspect of a relationship, big deal – we already have the emotional," I didn't mean for it to come out that way at all…

"That's my problem though, if we continue what we're doing, Rei will just be hurt worse in the long run. While her view of relationships is quite skewed, I do agree with the fact that emotional affairs are much more serious than physical affairs," this whole groveling thing doesn't suit him too well, I must say.

"Shinji, let's just drop it. Maybe later, when the circumstances are different, but not now, okay?" he really is making this more than it needs to be.

"Okay, sorry, didn't mean to impose," as he finished the statement, we arrived in a long room with small openings, like the ones that dispense soda out of a machine, all along the wall, each with a menu above it, "Well, something tells me that we won't have any cooks on duty right now, so you'll have to order one of the instant meals," leading the way, he approached one of the openings, pressed a button next to one of the items on the menu, and took hold of the Styrofoam cup that plopped down.

"Is it all automated like this?" sure, the technology was fairly old, but you still don't see this very often.

"For the most part, yeah. Down at the end you can order from real cooks, but that's obviously not in service right now. Plus, I prefer this anyway, reminds me of living with Misato! Now hurry up and order something, I'm starving."

While we did eat and exchange a few conversations in the process, I could hardly think of anything but the short exchange we had about the whole relationship between him and I. Maybe I should take him up on it – after all, Rei doesn't appreciate him at all! All she uses him for is a crutch for her own problems, and the occasional sex doll. That's no way a woman should be in a relationship… of course, who am I to talk? I'm the one that just got done seeing herself sell her body… but that's aside from the point! I'd treat him great, and I wouldn't disrespect him the way she does. But still, who am I to say how she should treat him? After all, he's the one that chose her in the first place; if he didn't like it, they would have broken up years ago, so she must be doing something right… right?

And plus, does he really even know me? I mean sure, he absolutely knew me years ago, and I would understand this all perfectly if I was still the way I used to be, but I've become much more… passive would be a good word, but in my opinion, I've become weak. I bet anything he's just in love with the old Asuka, which is perfectly fine, except for the fact that, unfortunately, she's gone. I'd love to go back to the way I was, but hell, I just can't seem to get back into the swing of it. Those years of submission, as the man said, have grown so deep in me. I bet Shinji is just falling for the old Asuka, and once he gets to know the present me more, he'll come to realize that I'm not the same as I used to be… even though I may change again. And hey, by Rei's own appeal, there's nothing stopping us from enjoying the finer things in life, now is there? But who am I kidding? We both know that we wouldn't be able to keep it only a physical relationship, and if he's trying to avoid an emotional one, I'm not entirely sure how he plans on doing that exactly. This is especially true seeing as we live together and are forced to see one another every day.

When we finished eating, Shinji led me to yet another new part of NERV – the command room. It was essentially a fairly large room with a massive window in the front that overlooked absolutely everything; engineering, battle information, research, and a few other things I didn't really recognize. Seeing NERV like this was more than a little unnerving.

A/N – ba-dum, shhh

When we got there, Gendo was looking out at the bleak artificial landscape, occasionally broken by a single person making their way across one of the sectors. He kept his usual stance, all firm and in charge, but at the same time, there was this aura of dread surrounding him… why is he all depressed? I mean, these people will be coming out of their trances eventually, right?

"This was the first large scale attack conducted by any angel or deviant… I can only pray the rest of them aren't this powerful," Gendo spoke to us as we stopped about five feet behind him, "How are you," he turns and looks at me, "Soryu?"

"Me? Oh, I-I'm fine, just a little shaken up. So, you believe in the whole deviant thing too?" he raised an eyebrow, almost as if he was offended by the very question. He glanced down at my arms, noticing the set of four faint lines going down them.

"Tell me Miss Soryu, how was your experience? It must have been something quite painful to cause you to do that to yourself, no?" how did he know I got these from the deviant?

"Father, stop, this isn't the time."

"No Shinji, I'd like to know," Gendo approaches me and stares me down, sending shivers down my spine, "You think some imaginary being caused this?" he grabs my wrist and holds it up, "Let me tell you something – when God has given up on us, there is only the other side to take care of us. This is the result," he releases my arm and turns back around, taking his place back as the observer of NERV, "What did you see Asuka, hm?"

"Gendo," Shinji cut in, to no avail.

"Turning tricks for next to nothing? You hitting up with some needle you found on the ground? Or did you see something that may be less painful to you – back when you were a child? Maybe the countless night you made Misato stay up crying, or the broken hearts you left waiting in line. Am I getting warmer?" I clench my jaw as I try to hold back any form of emotion.

"You're sick…" I was finally able to muster at least some form of audible language.

"And you're tainted. Shinji begged me to allow you back in here, and the first thing you do is destroy one of the most valuable pieces of equipment known to man," what is he talking about? The brief amount of silence was his response, and he, too, had an answer for it, "What has Shinji not told you yet?"

"Gendo, I said that's enough!" Shinji put his hand on his father's shoulder, and his only response was Gendo looking over his shoulder at me.

"Unit 02 died shortly after you entered it. We believe it was one of the reasons Nemo decided to attack now; after all, the Evas are essentially clones of Adam. We knew that impure bodies should not enter the Eva, but we had no idea you had the capability of completely killing it. Quite impressive, I must admit," Shinji's hand fell off of his shoulder – he's already said everything, "Leave. Your contract is void."

"I'm completely fine with that."

"Well then, good day," the rest of my time in NERV was spent walking out of the place, towards Shinji's car. He obviously guided me, but this was done in complete silence. He tried to apologize a few times for what Gendo said, but the more I think about it, the more he was actually right… I mean, if my Eva really did die, then I'm the only thing that could have done it… and Jesus, I can't believe it actually died. I always thought those things were immortal or something – I mean, they've taken shots to the body that should have killed any living being, so why would I kill it with only be 'tainted' body? I just can't believe it… and frankly, I'm not entirely sure that I do, but that's outside of the point. I don't want to be working for a guy like that anyway. The silence was almost unavoidable once we got in the car and began our slow ascent.

"Listen, he's just angry. You're more than welcome to stay with NERV," I realize that those two are equals, but really, I doubt he'd go against his father's word. A brief moment of silence passed before I responded as I gathered the needed words.

"Is my Eva really dead?"

"Well, in the most literal sense of the word, it wasn't alive to begin with…" I glare over at him, "But yes, it has become unresponsive. It doesn't matter though, we still have three other Evas – one for Toji, Rei, and I – and we've been doing research on how to produce more."

"Why did you want me to pilot if you knew what could happen? Don't you think I've been through enough?" I can't believe I killed the thing that kept me alive those countless battles…

"We had no idea something like that could happen. We only knew that people that currently had drugs in their system would affect… it…" he looks at me with wide eyes. What does he think I took something?

"Oh shut up! I'm not going back to that! Yes, I did have a few drinks with Rei the night before, but that's it!" he hangs his head and rubs his eyes with one hand as we finally reached the surface, "What, you don't believe me?" without a word, he started the car and began to drive.

Both of us refused to speak to one another after that. He didn't trust me, and I was appalled that he just accused me of that. When we finally got home, I immediately took a shower and went into bed. It was about three thirty in the morning when I finally fell back onto the bed, and I was absolutely dead tired, but I simply couldn't sleep. My eyes were heavy, my body was weak, and my mind was tired, but I just couldn't stop thinking about everything that's happened since I left with Shinji to NERV. At first, I thought he loved me, and by the way he's been acting, that thought was completely justified. However, he just got done proving to me that he doesn't trust me what so ever, and what kind of love is that?

And what of Rei? He seemed to care so little for what she may very well still be going through. I mean sure, he claims that she'll be alright, but he just seems too… cold about it. He's normally such a caring person, even to those he doesn't actually enjoy in the least. Maybe this is just his way of coping – everyone has their own personal way of dealing with these things. Come to think of it, how would I even know how he copes? I've never seen him in a truly depressed state outside of the few times he got upset at NERV. Regardless, it's just not socially acceptable to do that! I would go talk to him about this, but I'm still furious that he accused me of using again. Sure, I may not have much under my belt, but he should at least know that I'm not going back there! Plus, even if I wanted to, Dee would probably end up killing me or something, so he should know that's not even an option.

I wonder what ever happened to Dee? I mean, he obviously wanted me back after the first time I went back to him, so why did he let me go so easily? After all, I did just run out of the house when Shinji came to see me… did he not see me? I don't remember if he was in the living room or not, but he should have at least heard me leave. Ugh, I just wish Shinji would answer my questions! He has a way of making you feel like you got a response, but didn't actually address the issue at all! He needs to be a politician, seriously.

Roughly two hours have passed since I got back into my room, and I was still wide awake and bringing my thoughts into circles, always going back to the same conclusions I made twenty minutes ago. Since I was a little girl, I always found ways of getting to sleep on those nights when it just wouldn't come, and believe me, I've had enough of those to last a lifetime. A cup of that herbal tea people drink to specifically to get tired usually works… but somehow I doubt Shinji has any of that stocked up. Thinking that it was at least worth a try, I crawl out of bed and make my way into the kitchen. Unfortunately for me, the living room was on the way, and I was immediately met with the sight of Shinji watching TV in complete darkness. I suppose I can't really ignore him, can I? With a heavy sigh, I walk over to the couch and take my place next to him, noticing that I got a little closer than really needed.

"You're still up?" he didn't break eye contact with the television as he spoke.

"Yeah… just can't stop thinking, you know?" he let out a small chuckle.

"Tell me about it," he finally breaks his stare from the television and looks at me as he holds out the remote, "Care to drive?" his eyes were framed by faint bags, but outside of that, he was still managing to keep his composure, regardless of the hour. Returning his small smile, I take the remote and begin to flip through channels as I begin to have a slight sense of déjà vu. When I finally came across some meaningless game show – MXC I believe it was called – where people essentially intentionally hurt themselves in order to win. Shinji and I shared a few laughs during the hour long show, and by the end, I found myself laying down with my head on the armrest opposite of Shinji. He was still sitting in the same spot as before, but now he was resting is head on his hand as it propped up against the armrest.

As another rerun episode of MXC started to play, we found ourselves speaking about random subjects. It started off as whether or not we would go on the show, and eventually drifted off into different subjects. The subjects couldn't matter less, but what did matter was that we were actually cordially speaking to one another without any hint of anger, which frankly surprised me quite a bit. There was a mountain of tension when I first sat down, and as time went on, it completely disappeared. It was during this two hour period that I finally made up my mind about something. Yeah, this was definitely a case of déjà vu…

With a single action, I grabbed the remote, turned off the television, and swung a leg around him so that I was sitting on his thighs. We looked at each other for a short time, confirming one another that what we were about to do was okay, even though it actually wasn't. when we finally broke the deep stare, just like in the car, we moved in slowly towards each other, eventually beginning a passionate kiss. We both knew what was happening, and what was about to happen, but I really don't think we cared. At least, I didn't. I took him up on his offer, and now, there's no way he's going back. I want him to myself; I'm not going to share with any other girl, and I'm sure as hell not going to share with Rei. Shinji's been mine since I first saw him, as corny as that sounds, and I'm not going to lose him again. In my opinion, Rei can go to hell for all I care.

While we almost started the true action on the sofa, I decided that this needed to be a little bit more special than a fling on the couch. Shinji and I slept in my room that night – I intentionally brought him in here for the actual action. I didn't want to go into his room, not where I knew he'd think of Rei. This was my time with him, and I'll be damned if he thinks about anything but me during. We finally got to sleep at around seven in the morning, so you do the math on how long we were up. I was finally able to fall asleep easily… I suppose the tea won't do it for me anymore.

When I finally woke up, it was three in the afternoon, and the first thing I realized was that Shinji wasn't in bed. I thought about the actions of last night before standing up, making sure that it was all real and wasn't another dream – my lack of clothes reassures me of that. Trying to hold back a smile, I stand up and hold the bed sheet around my body, creating a mach-robe. God forbid someone was home outside of Shinji! I peak my head outside of the room, immediately looking into the living room to make sure no one was home, and then I called out for Shinji. Predictably, he didn't respond, so I decided to leave the lair of my room in search for him. Within five minutes of searching, I assumed that he wasn't home, which made me just slightly angry. I mean really, we just got done with last night, and he leaves without so much as a word? I let out an aggravated sight as I walk to the fridge, where a bright noted hung from a piece of tape. At least he left me something, right?

"_Went to NERV, something is happening with Sirus. Probably just some paranoia. I'll be home later on tonight, feel free to order food if you want._"

Looks like he still hasn't learned the trade of romanticism… not like it matters, at least he told me. But I wonder what's going on with Sirus? Well, like he said, it's probably just a bunch of anxiety about what just got done happening with Nemo.

"Well, what now?" dropping the sheet and dragging it back to my room, I realized that I was left here, by myself, for the rest of the day without anything to do outside of watch television. I hate boring days like this… I throw on some lounging clothes – an enormous T-shirt and shorts – and put the sheet back on the bed, not really bothering to make it. Not really knowing what else to do, I fall back onto the sofa where everything last night began and turn on the TV. Not even ten minutes passed before I was up and looking around for a phone book; it's about time I give an old friend a call. Did Rei say that those two were already married or just engaged? Hell, I don't even know what last name to look up…

Luckily, I found Hikari's number fairly easily, regardless of the fact that the Tokyo-3 phone book was insanely large. Hopefully she still has this number; I would really like to see what I've missed over these few years… that and I need something to do! When I dialed the number, not even a full ring finished before she picked up with the typical 'Hello?'.

"Hikari! I'm glad you picked up! Do you recognize my voice?" a brief pause fell over the line.

"Can't say I do, sorry. Who is this? And how'd you get my number?" well, she's sure lost that perfect attitude, hasn't she?

"Really? Doesn't even ring a bell?" once again, silence, "It's Asuka!"

"Asuka? Seriously? Where have you been?! It's great to hear from you!" I'm actually a little surprised that she remembered right away.

"You too, you too! Listen, I'm not doing anything today, how about we meet up or something?" I just realized – I'm going to have to tell her something as to why I left and where I went… I guess a little white lie couldn't hurt.

"Yeah, that sounds good. You hungry? We could meet up at a diner," the word 'hungry' doesn't even begin to describe just how much I wanted food.

"That sounds fine, but could you pick me up? I'm not in a position to drive right now," I really have to get myself a car… and a license… "I'm at Shinji's place, if you know where that is."

"Of course I know where he lives! Toji and him get together every so often, and I'm usually the one to drive Toji. I'll be there in about an hour, I have to get ready first. That okay?" crap, I have to get ready too! I should have thought of this before calling her.

"Sounds great, I'll see you soon!" and with that, I quickly wrote a note to Shinji on the paper he hung up, and rushed into the shower after gathering the outfit I was going to wear; which was a tight pair of faded jeans and a subtle dark red blouse. If she's still anything like she was in high school, she's the type of person that will show up at least fifteen minutes late, so I knew that I didn't have long to get ready. Keeping this in mind, I hurried through the shower and threw on an extremely light coat of makeup – I've always thought that I didn't really need much. I've still got that natural beauty! As expected, the doorbell was ringing just as I finished combing through my hair, and I opened the door to see an aged, smiling Hikari who, like all the girls I suppose, filled out.

"Asuka!" she leaped at me and initiated a hug, not really giving me a chance to see what she was wearing, "What the hell happened to you?" she leaned back and smiled once again… hm… her freckles went away…

"Oh, you know, life," I finally got a glimpse of her outfit; a woman's cardigan with brown capris. And I thought I was over dressing… "So, I heard you and Toji are together again, hm? And a kid already?" she blushes slightly, averting her stare. What, did she think I wouldn't find out? I'm still not sure if they got married or not… I can't remember!

"Yeah, he sure is a handful," we begin to walk to her car, "The baby's quite active too," we share a short laugh, "But really Asuka, you have to tell me where you went. We all missed you after you left."

"Well, honestly, I dropped out of high school. Wasn't really my thing, you know? I've just been working miscellaneous jobs here and there since then, and now I'm living with Shinji and Rei," maybe one day I'll tell her the truth, but not today – I'd rather keep this a happy day, "So, I'm willing to guess you're in college now or something, right? I know Toji works for NERV, but what about you?"

"Yeah, I'm a full time student and parent. Toji actually watches the baby most of the time while I'm in class. Good news is that I'll be done at the end of this year, so not much longer until I'm a psychologist!" jeez, did she want to pick a more predictable career for a mother?

"BS or BA?" knowing her, it's the former; she's not one to cut corners. She started up the car and began to drive to a destination completely unknown to me.

"Huh? Oh, no, I'm completing my MS. I did my BS back in high school," Jesus! I knew she was smart, but not that smart!

A/N – A BS is a Bachelor's of Science, a BA is a Bachelor's of Arts, and an MS is a Master's of Science. A BS is above a BA, and an MS is above an MA. In case you didn't know.

"Wow, impressive Hikari! How do you like it so far?" come to think of it, what does one even do with that degree? Do they work on their own or work for a company?

"Oh, I love it. I've pretty much taken over the psychology department at NERV. I'm the person that gives the yearly mental stability tests for all employees, and the monthly tests for the pilots," she works for NERV too? Who doesn't work for NERV?!

"Ugh, you too? Man, it seems like everyone I know works for them now!" she glances over at me with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, come to think of it, I heard that you were going to start piloting again. Is that true?" of course she'd know! Nothing is ever easy with me.

"Actually… yeah, I was piloting, yesterday in fact. They… think that I'm the one that cause the Deviant attack," her eyes got wide as she continued to look at the road, "So, needless to say, I won't be piloting again. Gendo voided my contract the day it was written!" I force out a weak laugh, trying to lessen the moment.

"They let you pilot without consulting me first?" her surprised look turned into one of anger, "Well then, no wonder the Eva died – I was told it simply passed away," so it's true? "I specifically told them that Akagi and I formatted the entry plugs to sync perfectly with the mind of the pilot; without any formal input of your data, the Eva simply couldn't handle the new body," wait, they knew all of that? Then why'd they have me pilot in the first place?

"Listen, how about we just stay off this topic, it's so not worth it. I didn't really want to pilot anyway; I'll leave the whole 'saving the world' thing up to you guys!" she lets out a long sigh, "Have you heard anything about Rei? Last I knew she was still in the trance," come to think o fit, how did Hikari manage her trance? Hell, the worst I bet she's ever done is have pre-marital sex!

"Rei? Well, I'm not really supposed to say anything, but she's not doing too well. She was having convulsions all night, and we eventually had to put her in an induced coma before she died of exhaustion. We're not too sure why hers is lasting so long; nearly everyone in the country has recovered by now. I believe there are five other people except her still in it, but I can't be certain," maybe that's the real reason why Shinji left… "I called Shinji earlier today to go into NERV and check her out. He seemed really cold about the whole situation, but I'm guessing that's just because he's shaken up about it. I just left there myself not two hours ago, and he seemed a little… I dunno, just weird. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?" leave it to the psychologist to analyze the two most messed up people in Japan…

"No, nothing at all. He has a lot going on right now, I'd just give him his space," she looks at me curiously, forcing an awkward smile to my face, "U-Uh, Hikari? You know you're driving, right?"

"You know more than you're letting on…" I hesitated before responding.

"How did you know?" she gives a cocky smile as her eyes returned to the road.

"I didn't. That was the oldest trick in the book. Now out with it," damn it!

"Ugh… fine, but you have to promise that you won't say a word!" hurry up Asuka, make up a lie! Hikari jokingly holds up the Boy Scout salute as I come up with a half-assed lie, "Shinji may be feeling just a little guilty… he's the one that convinced me to join NERV, and since I caused this whole thing, he may be feeling like it's his fault," that was absolutely horrible!

"Oh, well, that makes sense," wait, what? "Anyway, have you considered going back to NERV? I mean, it wasn't your fault at all, and I'm sure Gendo was just angry. I could pull a few strings and get you back in."

"Even if I did want to go back, what Eva would I pilot? You said mine died, so there's nothing left. But that's outside of the point; I don't want to pilot, and there's really nothing for me outside of that," even I'm not sure if that was a lie. I would love to pilot, but there are certainly moments where it's the worst job on the face of the planet, "NERV just isn't my kind of place."

"Well, just know that we'll always be here with open arms for you. So, moving on from that, you seeing anyone? You seem like the kind of person to have been married by now," heh, if she only knew.

"No, not really. I was seeing a guy for a short time, but it didn't really work out," she once again looks at me with one of her faces. What did I say now?

"What do you mean 'Not really'? That means you're seeing someone! C'mon Asuka, quite telling me these half-truths, we're friends you know! You can tell me anything," a friend… been awhile since I had one of those.

"Fine, fine," I took a brief moment to myself, trying to convince myself to not tell her, "See, Shinji is having some relationship problems with Rei, and he's probably really cold about her whole ordeal because… we're kind of together now," at least I hope we are. If he used me for a one night stand, I'm not sure if I'd be able to handle it.

"Oh, is that all? Jeez Asuka, I was expecting that! Both you and he are glowing today, so I just kind of assumed you two hooked up. He shouldn't feel too bad though, Rei's probably the worst girl to be in a relationship with. She's a nice girl and everything, but not for him. I'm happy for you two!" I couldn't help but release a smile, "How'd you even come to meet up with him again, let alone live with him?"

"Eh, it's a long, uninteresting story. What about you and Toji? Were you guys on and off these last few years as you were in high school?" hopefully not, seeing as how they have a child now.

"Oh no, not at all. We're actually really happy together – he grew up a lot. You'd never recognize him, personality wise or physically! Believe it or not, he turned into quite the charmer," I noticed that she began to blush, "Gotta love him."

"Well, if that's true, I'll have to meet up with him soon!" as I spoke that, we pulled into a huge parking lot belonging to the mall. This area looks a little familiar… eh, probably something from high school.

We spent the majority of the afternoon there, just wandering around shops and doing the typical routine of trying on things without ever really buying anything. We must have gone through every single clothing shop, and even a few jewelry stores, just messing around like we were teenagers again. I swear, that was probably the most fun I've had with another person in a long time! And what was weird about the whole ordeal was that it felt like we never separated in the first place. There was no awkwardness around us, which was odd seeing as there was even that feeling when I first came home with Shinji. I have to say, I'm really happy I decided to call her, I needed this today. Well, I did need it – it was all perfectly fine up until we felt like we needed to eat. Of course, we stayed in the mall and just ate at the food court. Hikari was able to get us a free meal by flashing her NERV card; she said something about federal employees getting free meals. This was just perfectly fine in my book, and once we began eating, I noticed a man across the central floor staring at me almost nonstop. He was the typical creepy mall guy; wearing an old hoodie with torn up jeans.

"Hey, Hikari, don't look, but there's this guy over there that's been staring at me for awhile now… it's starting to creep me out," she just smiled as she stabbed more food with her fork.

"He's probably just ogling you, don't worry about it. You act like you don't get looks normally!" well, I believed her for a moment, but it really got my heart racing when he decided to stand up and start walking over to us.

"He's coming over, I think we should go," she continues to eat with that cocky smile on. Jesus, she really needs to drop this ignorant schoolgirl act! I've been around guys like this before, and this isn't innocent! We're in a nearly empty mall, it's eight at night, and we're two girls!

"It's fine, it's fine. He won't pull anything, he's probably just drunk or something," my heart slowly sped up as he got closer, and I felt like leaving Hikari behind when he finally got up to the table.

"How much, Red?" he never made eye contact with me, which was all the better, seeing as my eyes were as wide as dinner plates.

"Listen," Hikari spoke up, "I've got a 9mm in my purse with five bullets in it. I'm in no mood for a guy like you."

"What? She not working tonight or something?" he can't be talking about that… he plants his hands on the table and smiles down at us, "Listen, I'll pay whatever price you ask, last time was amazing. All I'm looking for is a quickie, okay? You still do that?" he looks over at Hikari, "You can't spare your friend for a few minutes?" she still had her overly confident, cocky smile on as she reached into her purse, making the guy take a step back, "Jeez, okay, okay, I'll leave," and with that, he walked off, but the damage was done. He left Hikari looking at me, now without a smile, as tears started to well up in my eyes.

"So that's where you were those years? That was your 'small job'?" I covered my face with my hand, not wanting to look at Hikari anymore and trying to hide my tears. She took hold of my hand on the table, "Why didn't you just tell me? You know that I wouldn't judge you for it."

"I'm so sorry…" I didn't even know what that meant, but I had to say something, "I just didn't want you to know," she stood up, still holding my hand, guiding me to my feet.

"Come on, I'll take you home," and with that, we made our way to the car and drove in silence. I never mustered the courage to look at her the entire drive, but I didn't have much choice once we got to the house, "Do you need me to go in with you? I don't want you to be home alone."

"No, I'm fine," my voice was hoarse from the held back tears. I was no longer crying, but I was definitely holding it in, "Thanks for today, really," and with that, I got out of the car and damn near ran into the house, trying to get away from the situation as quickly as possible. After walking in, I was met with Shinji sleeping on the sofa. Does he ever sleep in his room? I tried not to wake him as I made my way to my room, but the sound of shoes meeting the tile made sure that wasn't a possibility.

"Asuka? That you?" he looked up with half open eyes, "Did you have fun?"

"Um, yeah," I tried to hide the sad voice that was overly apparent, "But I'm tired, I'm going to head to bed."

"You okay? You sound a little off," he rubbed his eyes and looked at me once again, and his face told me that he noticed the still red eyes, "What's wrong?" he stands up and walks over to me as I felt the tears starting to well up again.

"At the mall… a guy walked up to me…" finally, the first tear rolled down my face, "And tried to pay me for sex… he knew me Shinji! He said that he's been with me before, and I don't remember ever seeing him!" Shinji takes me into a hug as I begin to cry into his shoulder, "I can't even remember all of the men that I've slept with! He was a complete stranger, but he's had sex with me!"

"Shhh, it's okay Asuka, it's okay. You're not like that anymore, you haven't been for awhile now. Just relax…"

"It doesn't matter if that was in my past! I still did it!" at this point, I was screaming into his shirt as I felt it getting wet from my tears, "I was a whore Shinji! Don't you get that? How could you be with a girl like me? You could have had me earlier if you had just given me change!" he puts his hands on my shoulders and yanks me back, looking at me with angry eyes.

"I said that's enough! You think I'm proud of everything I've done? We've all made mistakes Asuka! The best you can do is put one foot in front of the other and move on!" the tears stopped out of pure shock at what he had just done, "I care enough about you to leave my girlfriend of three years, and you think I haven't already considered what you've done? I don't care about that!" I don't think he could have said anything to make me feel better, "Listen," he lets go of me, leaving me standing upright on my own, "I completely realize that you went through some serious stuff, and you're still upset about it. I get that, okay? But you have to stop with this self loathing," he takes my hand and smiles, "It doesn't suit you very well. You're stronger than that," a small gap of silence broke out between us before I mustered something that had been haunting me since I woke up after last night.

"Are… we together?" I may have worded that like a middle-school student, but I don't care at this point. He let out a small laugh.

"Listen, even though Rei always told me I could sleep with other women, I never took her up on that. It's a personal moral of mine," he leans in and places his forehead against mine, "I only sleep with women I love."

After Shinji stepped down off of his soap box, we went into my room and spent another night together, actually sleeping this time around. He definitely made me feel better, but I still felt as if I was less than what he deserved. Beyond even that, I still can't believe that I disrespected myself to that extent… but, like he said, I can't dwell in the past. Unlike last night, I woke up before him, and found myself still lying next to him. We were still in the position from last night, to where we were both on our sides facing each other. I have to say, he's actually kind of cute when he sleeps!

We spoke a little last night while in bed before going to sleep, but about nothing in particular. Just drifting about what we did as children, where we see ourselves in years to come, and so on. In fact, I don't even remember the conversation ending… did I just fall asleep? Eh, like it matters, I still had a good time. Shinji's always had this sense about him that's been able to calm me down; even when we were children and I acted as if I loathed every word of his, he was still calming me down when I went on my rants. I really can't believe this happened… hell, I can't believe two things happened; for one, that we're together in the first place, and two , that I stole him from Rei! Sure, she may be a crazy narcissistic control freak, but it's just not my thing to take another woman's man. I guess it can't be undone…

"Hey there," a voice snapped me out of my daydreaming, and it didn't take much brain power to realize that it was Shinji, "How long have you been up?"

"Just a few minutes. Sleep well?" all he did was smile back at me, "Yeah, same. Sorry about last night… I didn't mean to freak out like that," will I ever get over what I've done? I'm really starting to get sick and tired of this.

"Don't worry about it, you know I'm here for you," his smile slowly faded in the brief pause, "And, on that subject… when Rei comes home, there's obviously going to be a small amount of tension between the three of us."

"A small amount?" I shoot a sarcastic smile his way, "You have no idea."

"That's the problem, I do know. Rei's… a really sensitive girl, even if she doesn't show it. She may not take it very well," so I assume this is his way of saying that we're actually together, "That being said, I think we need to lay low about this for a short time. Just give me a little bit to break it off with her, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, that's fine… but will you still be… you know, with her? I'm not her, and I wouldn't really like seeing you kissing her or anything. It was bad enough when we weren't together, but now… you know," hey, I don't care if I'm being demanding; he's mine now!

"That's okay, but you know she'll think something's up when-"

"What the hell is this?!" we both pop up to see Rei standing at the door, looking a complete mess as she dropped a backpack with what I assumed to be full of clothes to the ground. She was in a worn down t-shirt with jeans, and she obviously didn't bother to shower or even make up her hair before leaving the hospital, "I was gone for less than two days and this whore seduces you?" Shinji stands up, holding his arms out to her.

"Rei, relax, we were-" she once again cuts him off with a swift slap to the face, hard enough to make it look like she gave him whiplash.

"No! You've completely changed since you started seeing this tramp again! And now you're sleeping with her?" well, isn't she a hypocrite?

"Weren't you the one that said sex is meaningless?" I finally speak up, forcing the reaction of a death glare from Rei. I've never seen her this mad… that was actually scary.

"Yes, I did say that," she slowly makes her way over to the bed as I sit up, knowing that she's angry enough to get physical yet again, "But it's not meaningless when you have emotions behind it!" surprisingly, she never raised a hand to me. She only leaned in close enough to try and intimidate me, but also close enough for me to see that she had tears I her eyes. She once again looks at Shinji, whipping around as she does so, "Do you know how much I love you?" she finally stopped screaming, "We were perfectly happy without her around…" she hung her head as she spoke those last few words.

"You were, Rei. You were happy," Shinji looks down at her with such a demeaning face it was almost unnerving, "We're done."

"Please…" she falls to her knees as I see the first tear fall from her face, "Please don't say that…" Shinji, losing the tough attitude, holds out his hand in front of her, only being confronted with yet another one of her tear-filled glares, "Don't touch me…" she stands up on her own and walks out of the room towards theirs, leaving behind the backpack, Shinji, and I.

"Maybe… you should go talk to her…" hell, even I felt a little bad after that whole situation, "A little later."

"Yeah, I'll do that… for now, I think that it's best if you go out or something. She might get violent again, and I don't really want you around if that happens," where exactly did he think I could go? He picks up the phone on my nightstand, punched in a few numbers, and soon began talking, "Hey, it's me… yeah, I need a favor. Can you come pick up Asuka and take her over to your place for a little bit?" a small pause, as I tried to figure out who was on the other line, "Yeah, I know you're working. You can have the day off – with pay of course. Her and Hikari were just together last night, so it should be alright with her," crap… don't tell me it's him, "Okay, great, thanks. And try to hurry… okay, see you then," he hung up the phone as I looked up at him, subconsciously moping.

"Toji? Really?" he couldn't have thought of someone else?

"Would you rather stay here and risk anything Rei might do? It's fine, Hikari's home, so it won't just be you and him. I'll come get you when everything's back to normal… or at least as normal as it can get. Now go get ready, I'm just going to wait in the living room… I doubt Rei wants me in there right now. Jesus, I don't need this right now," he mumbles that last part as he walked out of the room, grabbing the backpack and closing the door as he did.

So what, now I have to spend the day with a person I barely know just because Rei had a little tizzy fit? I guess it a necessary evil, as much as I hate to admit it. Plus, more than anything, I suppose it'll give me a little time to catch up with Toji. Sure, I never really considered him a friend before, but if he's changed as much as Hikari claims, I might end up befriending him.

With a deep sigh, I stand up and throw on some new clothes – I was tempted to just wear what I wore yesterday, but since Hikari will be there, I wouldn't want her to see me in the same outfit two days in a row. Luckily, I didn't really need a shower, and my hair wasn't so bad that I couldn't just pull a comb through it. Trying to stay as comfortable as possible, I throw on a simple white t-shirt with a gray hoodie, ending the ensemble with a pair of jeans. No, it wasn't really like me to dress this way, but I wasn't in any mood to do much more. I walked out into the living room to see Shinji sorting through some envelopes on the table; I assume they're just bills.

"Hey Shinji?" he replies with a 'hm?' without looking up, "Don't think that I'm not going to be paying my way here. I'm still going to get a job and help with the bills," still without looking up, he smiles and shakes his head.

"Asuka, this house is completely paid for by NERV. All pilots get free housing, it's always been that way. I just wanted you working because I assumed you would hate being at home all day… that and we needed another pilot, but I'm guessing we need to find someone else," that last part was said with a small amount of disappointment, "We haven't had to come up with a new pilot since Toji…"

"Well, I never said that I'd never pilot again," okay, so maybe I did, but he knows I don't mean most of what I say!

"That's just fine, but we need a pilot now. We have no idea when the next Deviant will show up, and I fit's anytime soon, I doubt Rei will pilot. So that leaves only Toji and myself – we may be good pilots, but we just have no idea what we're up against. We're relying on numbers here Asuka, and now we're down two pilots," he finally made eye contact with me, and for the first time in my life, I saw what his true panicked state was like, "Jesus…" he rubs his eyes with one hand, "What if we have to pull out a third?" he mumbled it under his breath, but I was able to hear it perfectly.

"A third? You are the Third Child," he lowered his hand to reveal wide eyes.

"Nothing, I misspoke, I meant a Fifth Child," he frantically went back to looking through the miscellaneous envelopes. He's not one to speak before thinking – what did he mean by that? And why did he seem so surprised when he said it?

"Shinji?" he throws the envelopes down on the table and looks up at me.

"Damn it, Asuka," he started off harsh, but quickly got his reaction under control, "Listen… there is a lot about NERV that you don't know, and it's better that you don't know. You need to just lay off, okay? You're not an employee, and our higher ups have no issues with disposing of any possible informants. Just leave this alone, you don't need to know," and with that, he rushed into the kitchen with obviously false intentions.

"What the hell…?" what did he mean by that? I mean sure, of course there are things I don't know, but that's to be expected. Regardless, the way he acted… it was like it was something even he didn't want to know… jeez, what he said is going to be bugging me for days! I decided that the best thing for me to do is to wait outside for Toji, as it seems like the entire house is pretty much off limits at this point. Luckily for me, I didn't have to wait long; apparently Misato taught Toji how to drive, because he came around that corner like a bat out of hell.

"Asuka! Long time no see!" wow… he did grow up… he let his hair grow out just slightly, as it was now reaching his neck loosely. Just by looking at his arms I could tell he was into body building, and his face definitely matured over the years. I actually had to stop myself from looking too deeply.

"Hey, yeah," I walk around the car and get into the passenger side. As I was walking around, I realized that he was driving a fairly high-end sports car… much too typical for him, "Thanks for picking me up, there's a lot of drama going on in there right now."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. There's always something going on between those two!" he pulls out of the driveway and, as predicted, races down the road, "So, Hikari told me that you're back! Gotta say, I don't blame you for leaving that prison that call school. I got outta there as soon as I turned sixteen myself. But why didn't you stay with NERV?" I pray she didn't tell him everything… no, I don't think she'd do that.

"Eh, just not my thing, same as us with school. I didn't like having such a strict schedule all the time, you know? Not too sure what I'm going to do now though, it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to go back to Shinji's place anytime soon…" he lets out a less than subtle laugh.

"They always get over their little tiffs quickly, don't you worry about it. They'll be all love-dovey come tomorrow!" somehow I doubt that! Apparently Hikari didn't tell him about everything if he's still oblivious to our relationship, "But, you know, if you're looking for work, you can babysit Yui for us every now and then. Sometimes Hikari and I have schedule conflicts, and we always end up leaving her at the daycare in NERV, but neither one of us like that. It'd be a pretty steady job," he's spoken to me for five minutes and he's already offering that I take care of his child? And that name… it sounds familiar.

"Huh? Oh, well, I think you might need to run that by Hikari first!"

"It was her idea! She told me that you weren't with NERV and looking for work, so we just kind of assumed you'd like to. Yui's still an infant, so it wouldn't exactly be easy, but hey, it's something to do when you're bored, right?" a small moment passed without either of us speaking, "But listen, you don't have to make up your mind now, think it over. So tell me, you seeing anyone right now? I always took you for the 'marrying an old rich guy' kind of girl!" I'm not too sure if I should take that offensively or not… he probably didn't mean any harm, he's still a stooge just like before.

"Heh, no, I'd rather have a good looking poor man than a rich saggy one," once again, he let out an overzealous laugh, "What about you though? Did you and Hikari only tie the knot because of Yui?"

"Oh gosh no, we've been engaged since we were eighteen. Yui just seemed like the final push to get us hitched, you know?" before I knew it, we were pulling into the driveway of a two story house – something much nicer than Shinji's. Actual houses were hard to come by these days; because of the drastic overpopulation, the vast majority of people lived in apartments. Only the wealthy could afford the land that a house was built on, so it was a sign of prestige, "Well, here we are – home sweet home."

"Way to keep it subtle…"

"Hey, NERV insisted on paying for it, so I thought we might as well go big! I did get chewed out by Gendo when he found out though…" as he got out of the car, I saw him reach for something on the floor of the driver's side, which soon turned out to be a cane. He walked with a severe limp, and almost all of his weight had to be supported by the cane in his right hand. He didn't look crippled by any means, but it was certainly noticeable.

"What… um… what happened to your leg?" he looks back at me with a raised eyebrow, "Sorry…"

"No, don't be, I just thought you knew… you were there, weren't you? Remember when I first started piloting and Shinji had to take me down?" that's right! I completely forgot about that! I guess I never really cared enough about him to see how he was out of the hospital, "Yeah, well, I'm actually pretty lucky. My spinal cord was completely severed from my mid-back down, and I couldn't even feel my legs up until I was sixteen. Luckily, NERV paid for some stem-cell treatment on me, and this is the result. They say I should be completely normal within the next couple years… but somehow I doubt that. The progress was great when I first began, but I think I've reached a plateau with my recovery, because it hasn't gotten any better since I turned nineteen," he opened the door to his house as he finished explaining, revealing a home with an obvious woman's touch in terms of decorating, "You want anything to eat or drink? I'm not much of a cook myself, but we have all the materials for it if you can figure it out," yeah right, I'm worse than Misato!

"No, I'm fine, thanks. Is Hikari home?" he falls back onto the sofa, guiding me with his hand to take a seat in the chair across the room.

"No, she's at NERV speaking to Gendo about something or other. I've learned to stop asking questions," maybe I should pick up that habit, "The remote's over by you if you wanna watch something, I'm gonna catch a couple Z's. Shinji called me just as I finished training, so I'm wiped," and with that, he placed a magazine over his head and became motionless.

I did turn on the TV to some music station, but I was far from watching. I was still focused on what Shinji was saying back at the house. What the hell was he talking about? I mean, I understand his little soap box speech before, but I don't understand what he meant about the 'third' thing he mentioned. I suppose that's both the problem and the benefit… but that still doesn't stop me from being curious. I wonder if he'd tell me later on if I asked again; somehow, even I knew that was a crazy plan. He'd probably just get angry again!

I tried to force myself to think about something else, because thinking around in circles like this wasn't going to do any good whatsoever. I eventually began to think about something I've been trying to avoid for quite some time now; the early years of my life. What convinced me to join NERV in the first place, let alone stick with it for that long. I really did hate her for leaving me like she did… just because she couldn't handle the stress of being a single mother? That's just ridiculous, and I completely realize that it is, but I'm unable to stay mad at her for long, but only because I barely knew her. I have vague memories of what she was like before she was admitted to that hospital of hers…

I couldn't have been older than two or three, but the memory is much too vivid to be an over active imagination. We were together in a living room – at least that's what I think it was – and we were playing with one of those peg sets young children love so much. She was so nice, so warm, so motherly… she was the perfect person in my eyes. I don't exactly remember her face, though I do know what it looks like through pictures, but I do remember that smile of hers, framed by the classical fire-red hair. I think that's why I've kept my appearance the way it is all these years; I suppose it reminds me of better times. I don't know, I'm not good at that kind of stuff, but I certainly did always want to make her proud.

When she first started to lose her mind, I don't think I really noticed. In my mind, Mommy was just changing. It was as simple as that. The only hint to me that something was off was when she was admitted to that hospital and I was taken away from her… I used to visit her every week, but as time went on, it only brought on more and more pain. At first, she did know me, but she soon forgot my face all together and started playing with that damn doll of hers… she still wanted to be a mother, and that was the best her mind would allow her to do. Every week for an hour I would stand there; just staring at her as she played with it. Combing its hair, dressing it, and even feeding it on some occasions – she treated that thing better than she did me. When I finally called out to her, she looked up at me with yet another smile I'd never forget… it was nothing short of demented, that's the best way of describing it. It scared me so bad, I just wanted to leave. I suppose that the problem was that I didn't leave, and I just smiled back at her, only encouraging her behavior.

At this time, I was about five, and the German branch of NERV chose me as the Second Child. I really have no idea what I was thinking; did I think that she was suddenly better? Did I think that she would snap out of whatever trance she was in when I told her? I really don't know, but the sight I was met with still haunts my dreams occasionally. I was so happy… I was so damn happy! I wanted to tell her! I wanted her to be proud of me for the first time in years! I wanted a mother! Instead, I was met with two hanging bodies, one representing myself. In my own way, I think that I'm still hanging up there with her. She was caught up in her own little world, and she wanted to spend time with me forever. I was in a small, self induced world of my own for awhile also, so I guess that's just another thing I modeled from her.

Why did she become like that? I didn't do that to her, did I? No, she chose to be a single mother… ugh, I'm just thinking in circles again! I've already been through this in my head a thousand times! The mind is a complex thing, I'm old enough to realize that, things happen. It probably was because of the stress – just because she chose it doesn't mean it was the right choice.

I… wonder if my father even knows about me…

No, I'm not doing this again. He knows that he has a daughter, and he never bothered to look me up, so it doesn't matter! I mean, he'd have to know, right?

"Asuka?" Toji speaks up, making me jump. He's still awake?

"Yeah?"

"I'm not trying to get in your business or anything, but why exactly are you living with Shinji all of the sudden? I mean, you have to have had a place of your own before, right?" the magazine was still covering his face, making the conversation a little bit easier. I'm sick of lying, and he's going to find out anyway…

"Well… you have to promise not to judge me, okay?" he holds up a hand, confirming my request, "After I left high school, I was working as a hostess for a restraint for quite awhile, and I was living on my own, but I… fell into the wrong crowd and ended up leaving my place to live with another guy."

"Eh, all girls go through that bad boy phase, it's nothing to be ashamed of," he's not making this very easy!

"Well, no, he wasn't my boyfriend. He… introduced me to drugs. It started off as LSD, but it went to everything from coke to heroine. I was a real bad druggie for awhile," he stayed silent as I paused, trying to sum up the courage to finish it off, "I became a prostitute to pay for my habits. Originally, it was only the first guy, but I eventually ended up working for him, serving other guys," once again, he remained silent, "I'm clean though, I've been clean for awhile."

"No, no, I believe you, I'm just… surprised, you know?" he tried to gather his words, "I mean, as much of a wench that you were those years ago, I still respected you. You were so strong, and I admired that… what happened to you? What caused you go down that road?" the odd thing about this was that I wasn't about to cry like I would have just a few days ago.

"You know, I'm really not sure. I think I was just bored to begin with, and I got hooked unintentionally… to be honest, and I know this sounds stupid, I don't even remember a lot of what I did. I remember how I knew that sleeping with all these men was wrong, but I didn't care, because I needed that hit. It's really a bad feeling," he takes off the magazine to reveal a weakly smiling face.

"No, trust me, I know. I got into the whole cocaine thing for awhile after I lost my legs. I was so depressed, and it makes you feel better. Let me guess, your 'guy' was someone that calls himself Dee, wasn't he?" my jaw literally drops open as he said that, "I'll take that as a yes. He was the largest supplier of any kind of drug in Tokyo for years. I got out of it when NERV started the treatment on me, but I did keep up on him. I was so angry at him, and I tried turning him into the police but there was never enough evidence."

"Was?" that was the only word that stuck out in my mind.

"Yeah, he was killed a few months ago… in fact, sounds kinda like you got out right when that happened. The police have no idea what happened; he was shot in the forehead some day, and the house was completely empty," he sat up to finally look at me, "I'm willing to bet that's why Shinji took so much time off those weeks ago. He took a vacation not two days after Dee turned up dead," he's not saying that Shinji killed him, is he? "Bah!" he falls back onto the sofa, throwing his hands up in the air, "I'm just talkin' out my ass! Hell if I know what happened. Shinji isn't that kinda guy. Probably just a drug deal gone bad. Forget I said anything," that was quite the random thing to just spurt out… he put thought into that. Does he know this for a fact? I mean, it would make sense, why Dee let me go again and all… but is Shinji really capable of that? I wouldn't ever think that he would, but on the other hand, I wouldn't put it past him either.

"So… you were in my world for awhile too, huh? How long did you say?" he hangs his head and smiles.

"Long enough to get myself into trouble, I'll tell you that much. I'm not even too sure what I did during that time, all I remember was that it started off with coke. Hell, for all I know, I could have moved on to the harder stuff. Definitely a possibility," that wasn't exactly a straight answer, but I'll take it, "Looks like we both were saved by Shinji in some form, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess…" from that, I assumed that it was Shinji who first confronted Toji about his treatment, "Do you ever miss it? I mean, I wouldn't go back to it, don't get me wrong, but it was a nice escape. Whenever you would get upset, you'd just do a hit of whatever and instantly feel better."

"Yeah, definitely, I agree with that. The problem is that you end up feeling bad all the time, so you gotta stay up there unless you want to face reality," he's telling me like I don't already know. Hell, I was in the world way deeper than he was, "I guess you just gotta find something else that makes you happy. For me, it was piloting. It kept me busy, never really let me think about much else. Sure, I can see how you hate it, but what do you have?" I took a second before responding.

"Myself."

"Not good enough," he replied sternly and immediately, "You need something external to keep you going. Something that's all your own, that you don't have to share with anyone else. Like, Shinji's thing is music – either listening to it or playing on that oversized violin of his. Now, try again; what do you have?" since when did Toji become this deep? I have to admit though, he is making me realize a few things about myself…

"To myself? I… guess nothing," that came as a harsh reality to me, "Like you, it used to be piloting, but that just doesn't do it anymore. I've been piloting since I was five or six, that just won't help me anymore."

"Well then," he stood up, putting all his weight n the cane, "Looks like you need to find something, or I'll put money on you going right back to that world," he made his way into another room – what I assumed to be the kitchen. While I don't really agree with him completely, I'll give him some credit in the sense that I have vaguely considered going back a few times. Even if I wasn't serious, those thoughts can't be going through my mind!

"What… could I do then?" I hear a can open in the other room.

"If I had to choose for you, I'd say piloting, but I'm sure I don't know enough about you to make that decision. What do you enjoy?" silence, "Music? Writing? School? What? I mean, you have to be passionate about something."

"I… forgot what I used to care about a long time ago. It was definitely piloting… but I had stronger morals before."

"Hell, you were stronger all around before," well that was a little rude!

"You know, I went through a lot Toji," he finally walks back around the corner, "I realize that I've changed, but not without reason," he simply rolls his eyes as he sits back down with the soda now in his hand.

"I'm the wrong person to be self-loathing to. You put yourself through that, so that doesn't give you the right to change. Drugs make you stupid, not boring," did he just call me stupid and boring in one foul swoop?

"Well, you're no peach either, you know. You're more whipped than Shinji is. At least you used to have enough of a spine to stand up for yourself," he takes a sip of the soda, seemingly ignoring everything I just said, "Stooge…"

"There we are!" he suddenly bursts out with a smile, "See, that's how you used to be. I know you're still in there, you just need a little pushing. Can you try being the old Asuka we miss for just a little while?" as annoyed as I still was, he forced a smile out of me, "I think Shinji would appreciate it too."

"You know, don't you?" he only smiles as he once again covers his face with the magazine.

"We all knew before you did sweetheart," normally, I'd go off on any guy that used a pet name to refer to me, but I couldn't help but smile. I have to admit, Hikari was right; he's become quite the charmer. He smartened up quite a bit too, regardless of the fact that he dropped out of high school before I did. Some would say 'old soul' I suppose, but I don't really see him that way; I think that Hikari just rubbed off some of her smarts on him. Yui hasn't the slightest chance at being normal…

Most of the day was spent sleeping, as I dozed off soon after Toji did. I have no idea how I was tired; I've gotten more sleep than a bear during winter these last twenty-four hours! Not like it matters, I still fell asleep regardless. Frankly, the only reason I woke up was because of a crying baby – one I immediately assumed was Yui. The first thing I did after opening my eyes was glance at the clock on the wall; eight? Already? I've been asleep all day! I've always hated it when I did that… and entire day gone!

"Oh, Asuka, sorry about that," I turn to see Hikari walking through the front door with a baby in her arms, "I forgot that you were here. Everything okay about… you know?" I just nodded as I rubbed my eyes, trying to fully wake myself up, "Good, good. Listen, Shinji hasn't touched base with us, and unfortunately, you can't really spend the night. My parents are coming in, and there's just no room, I'm really sorry," I could tell by the look on her face that she really was feeling bad.

"Oh no, don't worry about it, I wanted to go home anyway. Can Toji give me a ride?" she called out to her husband as she walked into another room with the crying baby. I could tell that she still wasn't used to the hectic behavior of a crying child.

"I heard, I heard. I'm not exactly the fastest person alive you know!" he emerges from the hallway with his same cane, "Morning Sleeping Beauty! I take it you didn't sleep much last night," he sends a small wink my way as he made his way towards the door, "I'll have you home in no time."

"Thanks, I appreciate it," I have to admit, that long nap of mine was great! I haven't felt this rested in years! Hopefully Rei and Shinji worked out something, because I'm in a great mood right now, "When did you wake up?" we entered the car as I spoke.

"Eh, around five, not too sure. I was just watching TV for awhile while you were asleep. Gotta say Asuka, you're not the typical 'cute sleeping girl' I've seen before!" I narrow my eyes at him.

"Then what exactly would you label me as?" he bit his upper lip in thought, obviously choosing his words carefully.

"A… mother bear," I punch his shoulder quite hard, "Proving my point Asuka! It's not an insult! Not like you can control how you sleep," he wasn't exactly a 'cute sleeper' himself! Bastard… "But seriously, good luck with Shinji tonight. I'm not too sure what you're walking into, but I don't think it'll be pretty. It normally takes them awhile to solve problems – more than a few hours," as he spoke, we pulled up to the house. I actually watched where Toji lived this time; it couldn't have been more than a thirty minute walk, "Good luck."

"Yeah, tell me about it," with a small smile, I get out of the car as he sped off, "They better be over it by now," I open the always unlocked door, immediately running into Shinji sitting on the couch in the dark with a muted TV as the only light source. He was hunched over with his arms resting on his thighs, head hanging low enough to where I couldn't see it. A beer bottle hung from his right hand as he remained motionless, his ponytail falling to the side in an unusually messy manner, "I assume it she didn't take it well?" he simply slowly shook his head.

What was up with him? He's never been like this! Jesus, she must have made him feel horrible! Why does she always have to be so controlling? Why does she always have to be like this? You know what? I've had enough of her! She has absolutely no right to treat people like this! With a grunt, I storm over to where I know their room is and was confronted by a closed door. Trying to at least respect Shinji's privacy, I knock before entering.

"Rei? Can I come in?" I was stern with my voice, but still slightly soft. When an answer didn't come, I knocked again, much harder this time, "I'm coming in, get decent," I give it a moment before walking in.

When I first met Rei, I thought of her as the most arrogant, self centered, rude little girl to ever walk the planet. She looked down on everyone so much that she wouldn't even speak to those she didn't see as worth. I eventually came to realize that this wasn't quite the case, and it was just a major personality flaw of hers, but she still never rubbed me quite the right way. When her and I first spoke alone about an actual important subject, it was about Shinji and his death – well, we thought he was dead after that angel literally swallowed him in a sea of darkness. I was simply trying to vent my anger, as I didn't want the world to see me cry, but she ended up taking her hand at trying to psychoanalyze me.

"_I wonder… do you only pilot to seek the satisfaction of others?_"

I hated her so much for that! If Misato hadn't shown up, we would have been short another pilot beyond Shinji! However, at the same time, I did see a hint of emotion in her for the first time. At the moment, all I saw was an opponent, but after I thought about it, I saw more than just anger in her eyes. I saw her caring for Shinji, and I saw an actual hint of emotion for once in her life. What made him so special that she'd break her code of monotone for him? I suppose that's when I first started to look past the superficial Shinji. Before that, I saw him as a friend, yes, but not anything close to a boy I'd like to be with. After I thought about what exactly made him that special to her, I started to fall for him. So, I guess, it's because of her that I fell in love with him in the first place…

How ironic that a girl like her would teach me love! Talk about the butterfly effect, right? Such a small choice on her part eventually led to my personal destruction and rebuilding… how odd. I would never tell her this, but she definitely did play a major role in my life, even before I left. That creepy little girl sitting in the corner ended up being what I could vaguely call a friend as time went on. If not a friend, at the very least an acquaintance.

It was because of this that I fell to my knees when I saw her hanging there, so motionless, red eyes forever staring at the ground.

A/N – There, a nice, long chapter to make up for last week! This chapter is an oddity, I will admit that; it's about thirty percent of the entire story! Don't expect them to be this long in the future, I'm just making up for last week. It's Thursday night as I write this, so I'm giving myself plenty of padding to make sure I don't give you another three page chapter like I did last Sunday. Anyway, how'd you like this chapter? I think that this is my favorite one; it had the perfect blend of angst and 'bubbly' writing, as I like to call it. By the way, I wanted to do that thing with the guy offering Asuka money for sex for awhile now, and originally Jun was going to do that, but it just kind of turn d out this way. Well, hopefully I cleared up a few questions that you all had, and if not, they may be answered next time. So, check out the next chapter, Dirge Inferno; until then, keep on keepin' on!

A/A/N – Artist: Cradle of Filth. As a side note, I really appreciate those of you who give reviews, but I'd love to see some new faces. It's pretty much the same three or four people giving their input; I want to hear from you guys! I want to hear how I can improve my writing, because I know very well that I'm not perfect. Thanks!


	11. Dirge Inferno

Chapter 11: Dirge Inferno

A/N - Sorry about that guys! Here's the real chapter 11. Thanks to the people that told me! Also, as a side note, thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter, I really appreciate it.

I could tell that her already pale skin had become even whiter, and her once vibrant eyes had become dull and completely emotionless. The look on her face was almost that of a painting, not one of death. There was no blood, no bruising, and no imperfections; it was as if someone posed her this way. The kicked over chair below her proved that notion wrong. She was still dressed in the same worn down clothes she wore when I last saw her, making this scene that more nostalgic.

Without realizing it, tears, once again, started to well up in my eyes, but they weren't abundant enough to actually fall from their place. All at once, I understood her true emotions; how she actually felt about Shinji, how she felt about me, and how she felt about herself. Things like this don't come out of nowhere – they don't come just because of a single bad breakup. She had been contemplating this for months, possibly longer… this was just her final straw.

I killed her… I actually killed her…

"Rei…" I was still on my knees, completely void of any muscle movement, "Please…" why am I so upset about this? We were fighting before she did this! But that night… we had so much fun, "You're so damn selfish…" I finally let a quiver escape onto my lips, which set off a domino effect, eventually leading to the tears finally falling. Not being able to bear the sight of her hovering mere feet above me any longer, I struggle to my feet, fighting off the shaking knees, and make my way out to Shinji, where he hasn't moved an inch. I sit next to him as close as possible, put my arm around his shoulders, and hug him the best that I could.

"She's still there, isn't she?" his breath wreaked of alcohol, and he was obviously drunk, "She's still up there?"

"Yeah… yeah, she is… do you want me to take her down?" we couldn't just leave her there over night, and he was in no condition to deal with it. I would just call Misato for help, get Rei out of here at least.

"No," he clumsily shook his head, "No, there's no point. She'll be back," he must be further gone than I thought.

"Shinji, no she won't… I'm so sorry," he once again shakes his head, trying to communicate as best as he possibly could.

"Yeah she will, she always comes back. A little different each time, but she always comes back," moving as if I wasn't even there, he lies down on the sofa after setting the beer down on the floor.

"Shinji? What do you mean by that?" I knew I wasn't going to get a straight answer out of him, but he's not stoned or anything; he knows what he's talking about.

"Rei, Rei, Rei! What do you think?" he throws his arm up in acted annoyance, "I've seen each one go away. The first one left the day I got to NERV, the second one left with the last angel, and there goes the third one! She'll be back…" he puts both hands under his head, creating a drunken pillow, leaving me completely dumbfounded. What the hell is he talking about? He must be delusional or just so far gone in the alcohol that he can't think straight… right?

"Damn it…" forcing myself to my feet, I stand up and make my way to the phone table, where I've noticed a small notebook with what I assume to be full of personal numbers. Luckily, my hunch was correct, and I easily found Misato's number. I tried to mentally ignore the fact that there was a dead body of a friend – yes, despite what happened, I considered her a friend – a few rooms down while my shaky finger dialed the digits to contact my old guardian. Luckily for me, she picked up fairly quickly.

"Shinji! Hey! What's up?" apparently she either had caller ID or this is a cell phone, "You never call this late, everything okay?"

"Um… Misato? It's me, Asuka… you really need to come here. Like, right now," I think it took her a moment to realize that I was even still with Shinji.

"Asuka? What's wrong? Where's Shinji?" her mothering instincts kicked in right away.

"Shinji's fine, but Rei… she's… just come here, please," I think she caught on to what I was trying to say, because she stopped with the questions and finally went along with what I was practically begging her to do.

"Okay, I'll be there in five minutes, see you soon," without another word, she hung up the phone, leaving me alone in a room with a passed out drunk Shinji and a still hanging Rei. Every time the image of her there flashed through my mind, I felt like vomiting – only because it was my fault. I don't care what anyone ever says, this was completely my fault; if I hadn't allowed Shinji to cheat on her, if I had stuck to my morals, then none of us would be in this position right now. Yes, I'd be alone, but she'd be alive… God, I wish Misato would hurry up already, I need someone to talk to. Not to spill my emotions to, but just to share this mourning with.

"You awake Shinji?" the way the house was set up, I was left staring at the back of the sofa, making it impossible for me to see him, "Never took you as a drinker…" given the situation, I suppose I can forgive it. With a deep sigh, I walk towards the door and choose to wait outside for Misato – I couldn't stand being in that house anymore. The cool air went vaporous as I exhaled, reminding me that winter was almost over, and spring was on its way. Changing of seasons I suppose… before getting lost in the moment, Misato drove up in her same old red sports car, for once driving the speed limit. I'm sure she could tell by the look on my face how I was feeling, and without a word, she took me into a deep hug. I couldn't help but return the favor.

"She's gone, isn't she?" I only nodded, my chin still resting on her shoulder.

"How'd you know?" she pulls back from me to show a small amount of glassiness in her own eyes.

"Because I know about you and Shinji," how do all of these people know? "She was telling me about it before she left NERV. She jokingly brought this up, but I didn't think she was at all serious…" her eyes avert to the ground, "How's Shinji holding up?"

"Not too well. He's asleep though – he drank a little too much," shaking her head, she began to walk towards the house, "She's ha-… in their room."

"Okay, that's fine. We're going to carry her to my car, and I'm going to take her to NERV. That okay with you?" what, do they have a cemetery now or something?

"Why are you taking her there?" she stopped a moment before entering the house, ensuring that she opened the door silently and slow enough to think.

"Technically, the Commander was her guardian. He'll be the one to choose what to do with her. I'm just trying to get the body off your hands," wait, he was? Then, wouldn't that make Shinji and her siblings from a legal standpoint? How were they both okay with that? I mean sure, it's not blood, but it would still creep me out!

"Oh, okay," I follow her into the room, where she seemed to be all too casual with the situation as she looked up at Rei.

"Okay, I'm going to get her down, but once I do, you have to help carry. That good with you?" I only nod as she grabbed the chair Rei kicked and stood up on it. She wrapped her arms around the body, lifted it up, and lowered it to where I could grab the feet to aid her, "Got it?" unfortunately, I was left walking backwards towards the car, forcing me to look down at the ragdoll as we went, "I know what you're thinking."

"No you don't Misato, you really don't," I hate it when people try to relate to how I'm feeling.

"Yes, I do. This is partly my fault too, you know; I let her go after she spoke about this," we left the house and struggled to get Rei in the back seat of her car, "I've always been told to report any psychological disorders to the commander, and I didn't, so I'm just as much to blame as you," I don't care what she says, I'm still the one that set this in motion. Shinji must hate me…

"Thanks for the help," making the point to get her to stop talking, I shut the door and began to walk back to the house, "I'll talk to Shinji when he wakes up. You want me to have him call you when he comes around?"

"Please," her answer was stern as she entered the car, "Night," with a small hint of sarcasm, she drove off towards the direction of NERV. Feeling more than a little uncomfortable, I walk back inside, throw a blanket over Shinji, and crawl into my own bed. Predictably, I was completely unable to sleep; between what happened that the fact that I slept all day, there was no way I was going to get to sleep. Even with my eyes open, in the pure darkness, I could still see her face looking down at me. I mean, what am I supposed to do now? There's no way that Shinji's going to forgive me for this, so I can essentially wave goodbye to our relationship; but on top of that, where am I going to live? For all I know, he's so furious with me that he won't even let me live here anymore… not like I could blame him.

And what he said keeps haunting me… what does he mean she always comes back? Does NERV have some kind of medical treatment that brings her back? There's no way, it's just impossible… but, if they've done it two times already, they must be doing something right. What else could they be doing? Jesus, this is driving me crazy! I'm going to talk to him tomorrow; I have to know what he means. Is she going to come back? If she does, won't she still be depressed about the whole situation? Once again, I'm still thinking myself into circles. With an annoyed grunt, I roll onto my side and close my eyes, trying to get to sleep.

I laid there for eight hours, thinking about the same things over and over. Usually, I'd never be able to do that, but I was still too depressed to even get out of bed. Hell, if Shinji doesn't come in here to get me, I doubt I'll even get up. I think I'd be perfectly fine with staying in here the rest of my life… but, of course, this isn't Shinji's way. Shinji's way is that he insists of getting up at the crack of dawn, hung over or not. While he normally gets up this early and keeps to himself, I think he knew that I was awake; probably from my constant tossing and turning. It was about five thirty in the morning when he walked in, holding his head, but completely aware. I was facing away from the door when he walked in.

"I'm so sorry Shinji… I'm so sorry," I couldn't bear to look at him. He stopped in the middle of the room, just, I assume, glaring down at me.

"It's… okay, it wasn't your fault. I pressured you into being with me; I should have cleared up my life before doing that," his voice was still rasp and extremely depressed, "Is she…"

"Gone. Misato took her back to NERV," he sighed as he sat on the edge of the bed, "Why?"

"I don't know why does anything she does," he apparently doesn't remember last night.

"You told me something last night, and I want you to tell me the truth about it. Why did you say that she'd be back? That she's been back twice before?" he let out a deep sigh, "Yes, you told me all of that. You said that she's left twice before, and she came back both times. Tell me what you meant."

"Asuka, I don't know, I was out of it," he thinks that's going to work on me? I sit up and look at him with determined eyed.

"Tell me what you meant! Tell me why you're not more upset about this! Tell me how she's going to come back! I don't care if I'm not supposed to know, I'm just as much a part of this as you are!" his eyes widened just slightly at my sudden outburst, "Stop lying to me!"

"Rei…" he averted his eyes, "Isn't like us, Asuka. There's a reason you don't know anything about her past before you met her; she doesn't have one. When NERV first started up, they thought it would be impossible to find pilots for the Evas; and this was mostly true. They are extremely hard to come by, and they're not exactly dispensable. It was because of this that they created something that was. When Unit 00 was first run through tests, the pilot would die every time when they tried to eject the plug. When that began to happen, they brought Rei into the picture," how does he even know all of this? I mean sure, he may be the commander, but I doubt even Gendo knows all about this…

"So… what is she?" he stares at the ground with an emotionless look on his face.

"I have no idea… but she's coming back. We still have about three hundred of her left over from the old NERV," the completely emotionless face, for the first time, scared me, "Something tells me she'll be ready by the end of the day," he stands up and begins to walk out, "I hate to say this, but you're going to have to pilot. We can't be out a pilot until she gets trained. It won't be permanent unless you want it to, but I'm in a pinch here."

"Whoa, whoa, hold on," I stand up as he turns around, "What are you talking about? Are you telling me Rei is some doll that you people created?"

"A clone, yes," how he said that with such a blank face was horrible, "She'll be fourteen again when she comes back, which will be the ideal age for learning how to pilot," I finally broke that damn monotone face of his with a harsh slap.

"How can you not care about this at all? Rei is dead Shinji! I don't care if someone that looks like her is coming back, it won't be her and you know it! I mean Jesus, you had a relationship with her! How can you not care?" I finally see some form of emotion from him; a glassiness in his eyes that told me he did care.

"What do you want me to do? Mourn over it? Sulk in the past? No, because it can't be changed! None of this will ever change, so the best you can do is move on!" he begins to walk away, "Something you need to learn."

I mumbled my personal curses at him, ensuring that he didn't hear it. How could he talk to me like that? I understand that he can't dwell on it forever, but to get over it by the next day? That just doesn't make sense! The woman hated my guts, and I still feel bad over this! And what the hell is going to happen now? Is some child version of Rei going to come back and have to learn how to pilot again? That makes absolutely no sense! How is it that I've seen two completely different Reis and never even realized it? And how is it that they've managed to keep this a secret this whole time? With a frustrated grunt, I stand up and storm out into the kitchen to where I could hear him fumbling around. When I do see him, I'm met with the sight of two Alka-Seltzers being dropped in a glass of water.

"So what's going to happen now?" I decide to ignore his little insult back there, but I'm sure he could still hear the anger in my voice.

"Now? We're going to NERV. We need to sort out a few things, including syncing you for Unit 00. You may want to get ready, we'll be leaving soon," what makes him think I'm coming back? I decided to stay away for a reason.

"And what if I don't pilot?"

"I don't think I have to worry about that," he drinks the concoction he just finished making, "You don't seem like the type to not want this. Don't fight me right now Asuka, I'm not in the mood, okay?" he walks to the sink and begins to wash the glass. I have to admit, I can't say that I disagree with him, "You hungry? I can make something real quick," come to think of it, I didn't eat all day yesterday…

"Yes, please," hell, was NERV even open yet? "Are you going to eat?" he only smiles and nods his head. Following the motions, I take a seat at the dining table and watch him get the food together. As much as I'm still angry at him for the comment back there, seeing him getting food ready reminded me of better days. Back when we used to actually have lives, even with the constant Angel attacks. I mean, we used to actually enjoy what we were doing, outside of the fighting of course. But what do we have now? There's been something going on every day since I got back, and by the way he's taking this, I don't think that this is out of the normal. Well, I suppose that being commander of NERV can't exactly be a stress free job…

"I hope something simple is okay. I normally eat at NERV, so I don't have a fully stocked fridge," snapping me out of thought, I notice that all he was preparing was some toast, eggs, and hash browns.

"Yeah, that's fine, thanks… you need some help?" why do I even bother asking? He never wants help with cooking.

"No, it's fine," I could still hear the small amount of sadness in his voice, but not anything that won' go away in a few days. I must admit, I don't exactly like the fact that he got over Rei so quickly; it shows me how he views other people. I mean sure, I understand his point of not dwelling in the past, but what happens if I leave? Would he get over me this quickly? Hell, are we even still together? It took me awhile to sum up the courage to finally ask this – about five minutes – but his response was the polar opposite of what I expected.

"Hey Shinji?" he didn't bother responding, "What… about us?" I could tell he knew what I meant, because he paused his motions for a brief moment. He took a moment to gather his words, but he did respond.

"We're under the table. Here, at home, yes. Just because Rei isn't around doesn't mean that I care for any less, but I want to keep this a secret at NERV for a little while. Everyone there knows about Rei and I, and I don't want it to seem like you're some woman I fell back on, you know?" he's beating around the bush.

"But we are still together?" he was right; Rei shouldn't get in our way. He turns to me with a determined look in his eye.

"Go get ready, I'll finish up here. We have a lot to do today."

A/N – I know, I know, a short chapter AND a bad ending, but hear me out. My computer went kaput, but luckily I have a warranty on it, so I'll be getting a new one here in about two weeks. However, unfortunately for both me and you, that was my only one; therefore, I will NOT be updating until I get the new one. The only reason I'm getting this posted is because I'm at school right now… so yeah, just a heads up. Anyway, how'd you like what this chapter had to offer? I didn't get to do everything I had in mind, so you'll see it in the next one. Find out what I have planned in the next chapter, Take On Me; until then, keep on keepin' on!

A/A/N – Artist: A-Ha. I'll try my best to have something written for next Sunday, but no promises.


	12. Take On Me

Chapter 12: Take On Me

"Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen."

"What was that Asuka?" damn it, I thought I was being quite enough. I hate being in these things, there's absolutely no privacy.

"Nothing, nothing. How's everything coming Akagi?" it's been roughly three months since I started working for NERV, and overall, it's been extremely uneventful. Two days after Rei's death, just as Shinji said, another copy of her was introduced to the world. She was fourteen now, just as she was when I first met her, and she was back to her old ways of complete monotone behavior. Originally, she was living with Shinji and I, but that only lasted about a week before I insisted that she lived somewhere else; I realize that this was somewhat cruel, but I didn't like a reminder of what Shinji used to have constantly around. Shinji has since recovered completely, and our relationship is still living.

Within two weeks after her death, Shinji and I were back to what we were supposed to be like – a normal couple. We've gone on a couple dates, we've had our special moments, and as of two months ago, we've been sleeping in the same bed. We've only slept together a few times since that first time before Rei found us, but that was more my choice beyond anything else. We've only really stopped these past two weeks. I just feel a little weird about it… I've yet to tell him about anything, and frankly, I'm not too sure how he's going to take it. I suppose he'll have to get used to it eventually…

I've also started to follow Catholicism quite a bit since Rei's death, but honestly, I'm not entirely sure why. I'm not one of those typical recovering drug addicts that amounts their success to God – that was all my own work. No, instead, I just feel that it's about time that I follow something as strong as religion. I'm still not entirely sure if I believe in many of the followings, but I know that I believe in God, and that's all that really matters to me. To help pass time in the test plugs, I've began to recite various prayers. This wasn't about worshiping, not by a long shot, but it did accomplish two things; it helped keep me sane in the darkness, and it helped me feel closer to the scripture.

"Great, actually. You're running at a ninety-five percent. Shinji, Rei, and Toji need to work a little bit more, so why don't you go ahead and come out? I need to talk to you about some things," with a deep sigh, I become anxious about what she has to speak to me about as I feel the plug being lifted out of the testing chamber. What the hell did she need to talk to me about? I mean damn, at least I'm here – there's nothing forcing me to do this. Immediately after exiting the plug and stepping down onto the deck, I was met with Ritsuko walking towards me.

"What's going on?" I begin to dry off my hair with the waiting towel. I notice that she had a small smile on as she crossed her arms.

"So, you wouldn't happen to have any secrets you'd like to come out, would you?" I raise an eyebrow at her question.

"Even if I did, secrets are my business, now aren't they?" I begin to walk past her and toward the locker room.

"Does Shinji know yet?" okay, that was enough to stop me in my tracks. With a small amount of hesitation, I respond to her.

"Does Shinji know what yet?" she put a hand on my shoulder and guided me to turn around, forcing me to lock eyes with her.

"Asuka, you think I wouldn't notice on your vitals? I mean Jesus, those entry plugs are the most precise pieces of equipment on Earth – they can easily pick up two heartbeats. I mean sure, it's faint and barely noticeable, but it's certainly there," Christ, why does she have to know… as I rub the bridge of my nose with two fingers in annoyance, I force a response.

"No, he doesn't know yet; and yes, I know he does need to know. I mean damn, who would have thought that I even could get pregnant so soon after stopping the drugs?" hopefully this child will be normal…

"Well listen, I won't intrude on your relationship with him, but at least accept some help from me," she holds out an orange bottle of pills, "These are prenatal vitamins. They'll help the baby develop easier, just take one a day before a meal," she starts to head back to the control room, "If you have any questions, feel free to talk to me. I promise not to say a word to anyone," murmuring a small 'thanks' as she left, I drag my feet towards the cafeteria. Normally I'd get changed in the locker room first, but I don't think I could stand the look of my stomach right now. No, there's obviously not a lump yet, but I still know it's there.

I barely ate the bowl of cheap seafood noodles, only swirled it around as I stared down into it. I was still indifferent about the child itself, but that was only because I'm not sure that it's sunk in all the way yet. What I'm focused on was how Shinji was going to react; damn it, we only got together barely a month ago! There's no way he'll be okay with this! I know him, and I know how this is going to go down – he'll play it off as a great thing, act all happy, and hide his true feelings, whether they're good or bad. Secondly, how will this affect our relationship? Hell, part of me wants to get an abortion, regardless of how against it I am. I don't want to be looked down on more than what I'm already getting… no, that's just my mind wandering. I'd never do that. I would keep this child, even if Shinji were to leave me; thankfully, I know he won't.

I wonder what it's going to look like? What gender is it going to be? I would definitely prefer a girl – I wouldn't be sure how to even handle a boy, and frankly, I doubt Shinji would either. On top of that, who will they favor appearance wise? It's not like we're a common mix that could be predicted… hell, I'm more Japanese than German, and I don't look a lick of Asian. Personally, I'd want the baby to look more German; I just think that too many Asians look alike. I'm not trying to be racist here, but they honestly do!

"Well, what are we smiling about?" Shinji's voice made me realize that I was doing just that as I stared down into my food. I quickly put the pills on the bench next to me as I try to hide them from him, "What did I miss?" he sits across the table from me and gives that same warm smile. His hair was down, still wet, and draping over his face and onto his shoulders. There was a slight wave in them, and it almost looked planned the way it was falling… while I wouldn't like this on a daily basis, I have to admit, that isn't a bad look on him.

"Oh, nothing, just thinking," how long has it been since I left? "How're your scores?"

"Eh, just high eighties, nothing special. I heard your score though, great job!" I wasn't exactly sure what to say to that… "You okay? You normally eat more than that after a test," what, now I'm fat?

"Yeah, I'm fine, just feeling a little under the weather. You want the rest?" without even answering, he simply smiles at me at takes the fork I was using.

"You know," he talks through his feasting, "I'm beginning to think that this is all pointless. We haven't so much as picked up a trace of a Deviant since the last one, so I'm not too sure what we're doing anymore," I rest my head on my hand as I found myself staring at him, "We have another two Evas in production right now; one to replace Unit 02, and a brand new one that I'm not even too sure on the details about. Your new Eva, which we have dubbed Unit 2.5, looks and should feel exactly as your old one did. You'll be able to get out of that nasty mass production model soon."

"Yeah, I hate it in there… there's just something missing," I couldn't even begin to guess what that was though.

"So yeah, the other Eva is going to be used as a backup. I've heard that it's designed more specifically for combat, where as our standard ones are made to be more versatile. That's all I really know," he began to ramble on, as he does, about what he hopes and believes about the new Evas. I stopped paying attention quite awhile ago, and found myself just staring at him, wondering what our baby is going to look like. I saw it as a boy inheriting many of his characteristics – he was so beautiful. I can't wait to see it… but Shinji still has to know… "You know, the new Eva could very well be a more personalized version on the-"

"I… have something to tell you," I didn't even notice that I cut him off right away, and in my mind, that sounded ten times more subtle, "Are… you comfortable with how we are? I mean, do you think that we'll be together for awhile?" God, I hated sounding this needy!

"Where's that coming from? Asuka, we're fine, don't worry about anything," for once, I decide to cower out of this confrontation, "What do you have to tell me?"

"Well," I scurry to come up with a lie, "I just wanted to say that I don't really like doing all of this – at NERV I mean – but I'm doing it for you," well that was simply horrid, "Don't forget that," throwing in the last hint of aggressiveness, I stand up and make my way to the locker, "I'm going to head home, I need a nap," I knew exactly what he was thinking; something else was up with me. Luckily for me, he's not the kind of guy to just up and stand up for himself.

Fortunately, and oddly, I wasn't stopped by anyone in NERV the entire time I was walking out of the place. Usually at least a technician stops to talk to me about some test scores or something; nothing of the sort this time around. I simply got changed, admiring the fact that I've lost the flesh-and-bones persona and actually put on a little healthy and attractive weight, and left the large building without so much as a word. My outfit fit the weather perfectly; since it was nearing a hundred degrees Fahrenheit outside, I opted to wear a semi-short black skirt with a pale yellow sleeveless button up top. Not exactly the most stylish thing I own, but certainly not anything that won't show off my looks. I didn't lie to Shinji, I certainly needed a nap, but that wasn't the main reason I was going home. No, instead, I wanted to just have some time alone. It's been much too long since I've had any of that, and it'll give me some time to catch up on exactly what I'm thinking.

I've gotten used to finding my own way home without Shinji there to drive me. Most of the time, he's either working after sync tests or out in the first place, leaving me at home without a ride – this has forced me to learn the train station routes. Luckily, I am getting a paycheck from NERV, and it's far from minimum wage, so I should have enough saved up to buy at least a cheap car within a few months. However, until then, the voice over the intercom in the train is my best friend. I always hated riding the train after sync tests… it seems as if NERV intentionally schedules these things to be finished just as rush hour is happening, and I always end up having to stand up while rude men take all the seats. I suppose that there was one up side – I've never had to deal with one of the typical train creeps who cop feels on girls like me. No, most of the guys here were in full suits, suggesting that they're all working for some big business in the city. However, that doesn't stop them from flirting with me.

They would always use the typical lines: 'You look familiar,' 'Do you work at (insert company here),' and so on. None of them ever really perked my interest to even play along, as I would often do when I was younger, but there's always a black sheep in a herd, now isn't there?

"Excuse me, but is that Ralf Lauren you're wearing?" I could tell instantly this man's sexual preference from his voice. I turn slightly to see another typical man in a dark green suit.

"I believe so, why?" might as well keep the attitude to a minimum until I realize what he actually deserves.

"Oh, I was just wondering, because it looks a lot like what one of my models have worn, and I wanted to make sure some side company wasn't stealing our designs!" I just raise an eyebrow to him, "Oh, I apologize, I haven't introduced myself. I'm Kyo, I run the model agency that displays Ralf Lauren material. I must say, you have quite the taste young lady!" yay for him?

"Thanks, but this really isn't that great of an outfit," he's acting as if I'm walking down a runway.

"Well, I'll admit that you could use some more accessorizing; maybe a watch, necklace, something along those lines, but it is the most simple of clothing that turns the most heads on the right person. People who pour their entire savings into some amazing outfit are lacking in natural beauty that they are trying to hide with glamorous material, something you're not lacking I may say. If you don't mind my asking, how old are you?" okay, this guy just got creepy.

"Twenty-one… why?" I throw in a small amount of annoyance in the tone.

"I was just wondering if you've ever modeled before. You seem like the type to me," I could feel a small amount of color enter my cheeks, "Have you?"

"No, not at all. I'm not the anorexic type," we both share a small laugh.

"Well, I assure you, that is not needed for true beauty. Listen, if you're up to it, why don't you drop by my office sometime?" he pulls a card out of his coat pocket and holds it out to me, "We would shoot a few proofs, see how you are on the camera, and go from there. Interested?" I take the card simply out of flattery.

"Well, I would, but to be honest with you, I just recently found out that I'm pregnant, so my image won't exactly stay like this," I have to admit, I would have definitely taken him up on that offer. I've always thought that I could be a model, as conceded as that sounds.

"Oh, that's fine, that's fine. If you just found out, then I assume that you're less than a month along?" I nod, "Well then, you have at least two or three months before you begin to show drastically. When the little 'baby bump' starts to show, we would just have you in some baggie clothing, and then when the stomach actually starts to show, we have a marital catalog that you'd be perfect for. Don't let that hold you back," this guy has actually really perked my interest…

"You know, I'll really give this some thought. After all, the extra money wouldn't hurt!" he lets out another small laugh before replying.

"Great, great! My hours are on the back of the card, feel free to stop in any time. When you come, just be sure to bring some sort of ID so we know that we don't have to worry about any liability issues," halfway through his sentence, the train came to a halt, cueing me to get off.

"This is my stop, but I'm sure we'll meet up again. My name is Asuka by the way," we shake hands as a formality before I step off the train.

That little conversation certainly put a spring in my step on the way home. Sure, I may have always thought that I could be a model, but who would have thought that I'd actually get the opportunity? On top of that, I now have some sort of confirmation that I'm as good looking as I see myself as. Ever since I was laid off from my job as a hostess at the restaurant, I've had a small thought in the back of my mind that maybe I wasn't quite as good looking as I thought – well, that thought has been obliterated. I couldn't help but smile every time I thought about what just happened, and for once, I was glad I didn't have a car.

When I finally got home, I decided to celebrate a little bit by treating myself to a little ice cream and casual television. I knew that Shinji wasn't going to be home for a little while, as he already told me that he had some more work to do after testing was finished. As planned, I finally gave myself a little time to think about everything that's gone on in my life.

Call it repressed memories, self defense, or whatever other psychological babble you can come up with, but I can hardly remember anything before the day my mother died. Little bits and pieces are there, and memories that are forged exist only because I know certain things happened by watching videos and what not, but my true life begins when I started living with my surrogate mother at the German branch in NERV. Looking back, I'm amazed at what they got away with, treating a little girl as they did. Sure, I enjoyed it, but there were some days where I was either training or running sync tests for up to twelve hours at a time. On average, I was working seven day weeks and a minimum of eight hours a day. If anything, I hated it when they implemented weekend breaks when I was about ten. There was one thing that I absolutely hated as a child – school.

Generally speaking, I would work on my studies as a home schooled child, usually in the injection plug itself through the intercom. More in depth studies, such as math or science, were done at night when I finally got off. It was always easy to me, and I soon learned that it was much easier to just do the work and make the adults happy than fight them; I was tired enough as it was. By the time that I was eleven, the schooling branch of NERV essentially forced me into some community college just to have me as some poster child for the teaching system they were preaching to civilians. Sure, I used to carry that badge with pride, but by the time I was sixteen, I realized just what a bull degree I got – communications. On top of that, it wasn't even a BS in communications; it was a BA! No wonder I was able to get it done so easily…

Regardless, my 'second life', as I like to call it, started when I first started to fight angles in Japan. It went on fairly painlessly, and I actually enjoyed it quite a bit, as I was finally putting all of my training to use. Almost ten years were spent training for my second life, which ended up only lasting a few months. However, I soon began to absolutely hate it in the back of my mind when I realized that Shinji had on recently started to pilot and was already leaps and bounds ahead of me. I hated him so much for that! I trained my entire life, as did Rei, to get to the point to where I was, and he acted as if piloting was a side hobby! I suppose I ended up showing him, because while I completely blew my credentials with the last couple angles, I have certainly made it up with the scores I've been getting recently. I mean really, I haven't dropped below a ninety-five percent since I got here – scores like that are almost unheard of. He's yet to beat even my lowest score. However, I'm leaving out a huge part of my life, jumping from the Angels to the Deviants like that…

As much as I hate to admit it, the drugs are what put me here in the first place. Sure, chances are that I'd still be with NERV even without the drugs, but who's to say about the rest of my life? On top of that, I'm not going to lie, I loved the feeling of the drugs, and occasionally, when I was high enough, the sex. There really is nothing quite like the feeling of being high; everything seems better, event he breaths you take. Hell, even each specific drug made me see things a different way: cocaine made me extremely happy about nearly everything, heroine made me forget about anything bad in the world, and so on. My favorite near the beginning was, by far, a combination of cocaine and ecstasy. By the end, heroine was my drug of choice, as it was both easy to hit up and made me forget about the negative aspects of my life, which was damn near everything. I'm not going to lie, I definitely miss the drugs… a lot…

I really have to watch what I think about… I know very well that I if were to ever even consider going back to that life, I'd be done. Shinji would give up on me, and I would give up on myself. I can't allow myself to go there mentally, because I completely agree with what people have stereotyped my lifestyle; once a druggie, always a druggie. The latter portion of that is just in wait. The worst part about all of this is that I still want some sort of hit on a daily basis, even if it's extremely faint. I trained myself to run to the drugs whenever I felt stressed out or any sort of negative emotion, and when that happens, I already know what kind of drug I'd do, whether it be heroine, ecstasy, cocaine, meth, nitrous, or whatever. I've been sober more than long enough for every trace of the drugs to exit my system, and yet I still crave them on a daily basis.

Sometimes, usually at night when I can't sleep, I reason in my mind why it would be okay to just have a hit of something occasionally. I mean, a person wouldn't get severely addicted from only a single hit of something a day, I know that. I mean hell, there are such things as functioning alcoholics! Why not functioning meth heads or heroine junkies? I'm sure that I'd be able to control myself just fine, you know? After all, if something makes you feel that good, it can't be all bad.

However, when I finally get to sleep and wake up in the morning, I become disgusted with myself for thinking that. Yeah, I know that everything would work out fine for awhile, but I wouldn't give it so much as a month before I'm back to using every couple hours. I suppose that this is just my thought cycle now, and I just have to get used to it. Sure, it may fade with time, but I doubt that it'll be in the foreseeable future.

"Damn it…" I rub my eyes as I lean my head over the back of the sofa, knowing very well that I wanted a hit of cocaine right now, but ignoring the urge as much as possible. I glance at the clock and realize that I've been home for about two hours now. Being six thirty, the sun was starting to reach the horizon, making the house seem golden with the rays entering from the exterior. As my mind started to wander once again, the doorbell knocked me out of anything I began to think. With a grunt, I stand up and open the door, only to look down at that blue-haired reincarnation.

"Ms. Soryu, good evening," I sigh as I begin to walk back into the kitchen for no particular reason.

"Call me Asuka, I've told you that before. Come on in," she tends to stop by at least twice a week for one reason or another. I didn't exactly mind it, but I didn't really like it either. I was neutral on the subject, "What do you need?" I grab two bottles of water, making reason as to why I went into the kitchen.

"I was actually looking to speak to-"

"Yeah, yeah, Shinji, I know. He's still at NERV, but you can wait here for him. He shouldn't be long," I hand her the water as I try to avoid that emotionless face. It's so weird seeing her like this… she's still a kid damn it! I mean, I was just getting used to the adult, woman Rei, and now this kid comes in? It's just too odd for me…

"Commander Shinji Ikari told me to inform you that he will be there until later on tonight. I was looking to speak with you," she takes a seat in the large chair across from the sofa where I was.

"Oh, thanks. What does he have to say?" he's used her as a messenger before, this is nothing new.

"Nothing at all."

"Then… why are you here?"

"To speak with you, if that is alright," this girl seriously needs to audition for the next Children of the Corn movie…

"I guess so… what do you need?" she fiddles with the still closed water bottle, looking down at it the entire time. She stayed silent, the only noise in the room coming from the small crinkling sound made from the bottle, "Is everything alright with you? You sick or something?" without looking up, she finally decides to speak.

"I originally planned to speak to Commander Gendo Ikari about this, but he wasn't around today. I was wondering if you would let me speak to you about something that went on at school today," what am I, her counselor? Why can't she talk to Hikari about this?

"I don't know if I'm the best person to open up to, Rei…" she finally looks up at me with a small hint of pink in her cheeks.

"Please?" forcing back an annoyed sigh, I decide to let her do what she wanted. I responded with silence, cueing her with a held up hand, "Thank you. I was just wondering if you… know why I've been so odd lately," odd? "I don't have many friends, but I do have a close one. His name is Jake, he's an exchange student from America. We met because we happened to enter the class on the same day a few months ago, and…" she faded out halfway through her sentence, once again turning slightly red. I chuckle a little and shake my head. So, Rei's having a little bit of confused love, I she? How cute! "What's funny?"

"Rei, do you have a crush on him?" I can't believe that she's making such a huge deal about this!

"What's that?" she has got to be kidding me… the look on her face ensured me that she wasn't.

"It means that you like him. That you want to be closer to him, right? Are you just unsure of how to approach him about it?" I really hope she's not confusing close friends with something more… she nods and she releases an extremely small smile, "Why don't you just come out and say it? I mean, if you two are that close, he probably feels the same."

"I've… never really had this feeling before, I'm not sure what to make of it," I wonder… does she know who she is? Does she know that she's nothing more than a mass-produced clone? "How does one go about this?"

"Why don't you just ask him out for dinner? That's usually what couples do on their first date," why is it that I'm stuck playing mother here? I didn't ask for this! Of course, I suppose I'll be playing it for real here pretty soon…

"Isn't the typical courtship process started by the male?" in all my years, I've never heard it explained quite like that.

"Well, yeah, but sometimes the girl has to make the move. Just trust me on this one, okay? I had to make the first move with Shinji too. The good part about us being girls is that they always end up paying, even if we ask them out!" my slight joke was met with nothing, creating a small awkward moment.

"And… if he says no?"

"I don't think he will, and even if he does, so what? Just continue on being friends. But really, I don't think you have to worry about it," with that, she stands up and finally makes eye contact with me.

"Thank you, I appreciate you giving your time to me. I'll… take your advice. Good night," before I could say anything, she walks out of the house in a noticeable hurry, leaving me smiling at the whole situation. As she opened the door, she was met with Shinji holding out a key, ready to put it in the lock, "Oh, Commander," she gives a quick bow, "Excuse me," she slips past him and walks off, leaving him looking at me with a confused expression.

"What was that about?"

"Oh nothing, she's just having some boy trouble that she wanted to talk to me about. It was actually kind of cute!" she closes the door and drops his duffle bag on the ground next to the door.

"Well, were you able to help her with it?" as always, he goes straight into the bathroom to brush out his hair, as I always do in the locker room. That LCL is hell on even the shortest of hair…

"Of course! I give great advice!" I hear him laugh through the closed door, "Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, I just think it's funny that she came to you of all people. I think you've made it quite clear that you don't like her, yet she still came to you. I think it shows how she views you, Asuka."

"And that would be?" there was a brief pause before he responded.

"A mother figure, I suppose. Not ill-fitting I may add in, you're definitely the type," I didn't bother responding; I only smiled as I placed a hand on my stomach.

A/N – Well, needless to say, I got my laptop back! Woo-hoo! Anyway, I know that this wasn't an action-filled chapter like you all are used to, but there's gotta be some down time, right? Regardless, how'd you all like it? Quite a few things were set up in this chapter that will be used later on, but for now, just take it superficially. Check out the next chapter, Kiss From a Rose; until then, keep on keepin' on!

A/A/N – Artist: Seal. Keep on reviewing and let me know how I'm doing please!


	13. Kiss From a Rose

Chapter 13: Kiss From a Rose

"Nothing like a little flirtatious clothing to get what I want," I spoke to myself as I get dressed in a pair of faded, tight jeans that I knew very well made my legs and butt look great, and a black, button up, short sleeved blouse, which I intentionally left unbuttoned enough to show off a little cleavage. Shinji left for work at about ten in the morning, and two hours later, I saw a commercial for a car dealership selling all Volkswagen cars for half price. Oddly enough, German cars aren't exactly a hit in Japan – I could care less, as long as it has four wheel and a motor, I'm perfectly fine.

It's been just over a week since Rei first asked for my help, and since then, she's come over a couple times for further advice on how to handle her first boyfriend – yep, she scooped him up! I knew it wasn't going to be an issue, but the real trouble is getting her to open up to him more and be more emotional. I have to say, I kind of like her coming to me for this help; it shows me that I'm capable of helping another person through an emotional time.

I currently had just enough in the bank for an extremely cheap down payment for a car. However, I'm not stupid, and I realize that I'll need to make payments on the car to get it completely paid off… I also realize that they give loans for those. The unfortunate part is that I have absolutely no credit to my name, which is almost synonymous with loans. This is exactly why the top three buttons are undone on my blouse.

Grabbing my purse, I walk out the door and towards the train station for, hopefully, the last time. I got more than a few looks from the outfit I was sporting, which was great news to me; it meant that it was working. Hopefully this will be enough to make the loan shark give me a little sympathy. Two train stops, a mile walk, and two aching feet later, I was finally entering the dealership, where the only VW cars I saw that were left were a row of Bugs. It wasn't exactly my favorite type of car, but it was certainly something that I'd be willing to drive.

The first one that caught my eye was a pure cherry red one with a fabric convertible top. Outside of the red and convertible parts of this car, it suited absolutely no part of my personality… but, as I said, I need a car more than I need style! Just waiting for one of the male dealers to see me, I make my way to the car and check out the details of it. The interior was black imitation leather with a completely digitized control panel and speedometer. There were absolutely no manual knobs or dials in the car; everything was done via touch screen. This became standard a few years back for all cars, but unfortunately for me, this also meant a slight increase in price for the cars. Typically, as I was bending over to look through the glass, one of the dealers finally walked up to me.

"So, what can I help the young lady with?" I turn around to see a fairly young guy, barely older than me… score! This might be easier than I thought.

"Oh, I'm just looking to buy one of these. I'm short on cash right now, and I saw the commercial selling these a few hours ago, so I thought I'd come and try it out. Think we could work something out?" ignoring his constant glances toward my chest, I try to work in as much as possible before telling him I don't have any credit.

"We most certainly can. So, it seems like you've already chosen this car, am I right?" he puts his hand on the car, next to my head, making him lean in a little too close for comfort to me. He was a little too forward for my tastes, and I'd normally have already kneed this perv I the groin by now, but I need something out of him.

"Yeah, it's about the only thing I can afford. Any chance of me qualifying for it?" he nods his head while laughing, catching yet another peek, "Without credit?" his eyes widen and he held still. Great…

"You don't have any credit?" I give a weak smile, "None at all?" I continue the smile, answering his question, "Why do I always get these…? Okay, listen, we usually send you people walking, but I can tell you need this. Come with me, I'll see what I can do," with head held slightly low, he guides me back to the main dealership building. After waiting nearly half an hour at his desk while he spoke to the manager, I began to get the impression that there was no way in hell that this was going to happen. Luckily for me, he came back just as I was fixing to walk out before facing further embarrassment, "I've got some good news for you…" he sits down across from me holding an extremely thick file and looking overly flustered.

"And that would be?" he opens the folder and picks out a single piece of paper.

"Here's the deal – after some begging and a small amount of groveling, I got my manager to agree to give you a two year loan. This car usually comes along with a single year loan due to the price, but because of this situation, you're going to be making smaller payments over a longer period of time. Is that acceptable for you?" wow, he actually got something done!

"Yeah, that's great! Is there any other catch?" he let out a small, nervous laugh.

"Actually, yeah, there is. I didn't realize it when I saw you, but he recognized you immediately. Before I go any further, you are Asuka Langley Soryu, correct?" great, just great…

"Yeah, yeah I am… why?"

"Good! See, my boss used to work for the military, and apparently you bailed his unit out big time a few years back, so he's trying to make it up to you. In fact, when we get done with this sale, he wanted to meet you," I came here all dressed up, and all I had to do was bring my NERV ID card? This is insane!

It was that day that I realized just how insane the whole process of buying a car really is. Between the seemingly hundreds of papers I had to sign, initial, and give every piece of information that has ever happened to me, the background check that took freaking forever, and having to bear with countless peaks given by the salesman, I felt as if I needed to murder someone by the end of the day. However, in my opinion, it all paid off when he finally handed over the key with a VW keychain on it. I swear, I've never smiled quite so much. Sure, I may have had to wait five more years than most people do to get a car, but I still ended up getting one!

"Okay, now you have to hold up your end of the deal," he picks up the phone, dials two numbers, and begins to talk, "Hey, we're all done here. Come on over," he hangs up the phone and looks at me intently, "Now listen, while you did save him, he was still injured that day. Do NOT stare, okay?"

"What, you think that I've never seen injuries before? Listen, I'm sure that I've felt worse than this guy has ever experienced, we may be able to throw around a few stories!" making me jump slightly, I feel a hand land on my shoulder.

"Is that so?" I turn with a fake smile and scream like a little girl on the inside as I see a man with his left eye missing. While most people would make do with an eye patch, he decided to go the natural route and just leave a fleshy hole in his head. I mean Jesus! He couldn't at least get a glass eye? Something?

"Hi! Thank you so much for giving me a break!" I shake his hand and give a sincere smile after standing up.

"Oh, don't worry about it. That's the least I could do after you saved our collective asses! So what's this about injuries that would rival mine? You look perfectly fine in my opinion!" he was being sarcastic, but far from aggressive.

"Well, see, when I'm in the Eva, I feel whatever the Eva feels. I don't get any physical harm, but I certainly feel everything."

"Really? How interesting! If you don't mind me asking, what have you felt? I mean, I find it hard to believe that a fourteen year old girl could handle much!" he has no freaking idea…

"Let's see… I've been stabbed in the eye," great way to start there Asuka, "Lost both of my arms, been shot countless times, I was eaten alive, and… oh! I was decapitated… I think that's about it. I mean sure, just the general pain of being punched and what not, but I suppose you get used to that," his eye was as wide as could be… heh, eye…

"Wow! That's quite the resume young lady! Makes this little thing look like a scrape! Well listen, I gotta go back to work, but it was great meeting you. Enjoy your car, and thanks again!" with a final handshake, he leaves me with the salesman and the keys to my new car.

"Well that was painless," I speak to myself as I turn around to see the salesman wide eyed and almost sweating, "What's wrong with you?"

"You went through all that?" I simply nod with a smile. I gotta say, I'm slightly proud of my virtual war scars! "So, am I done here? Can I go?"

"Yeah, sure. Have a great day!" his enthusiasm is extremely false, but I could care less – I finally got a car! Hurrying back out to my car with a smile, I climb in and fire it up, immediately putting down the top as it turned on. Being behind the wheel was slightly odd for me; I only got my license a few days ago, and this is still extremely foreign to me. Regardless, I wasn't too worried – there really isn't much traffic around Japan ever since the Angels came around. Sure, everyone knows that they're gone, but people are still apprehensive about it… as they should be! Deviants are still around!

The drive home seemed oddly short… without having to travel via train, the trip lasted only a few minutes compared to at least forty five minutes. I love this thing! Sure, I may hate the fact that it's a Bug, I do like the fact that it's a car in the first place. I don't mind it all that much I suppose, so it doesn't really matter. I wonder what Shinji is going to say when he sees a new car in the driveway? He's going to flip out! He doesn't even know I went to take my driver's test a few days ago, let alone that I got a new car! I'm so glad I don't have to rely on him anymore for rides.

When I got home, I immediately noticed how much time has passed since I left – it was already four in the afternoon! Hell, Shinji should be home by now, no? The answer to my question came in the form of a flashing '3' on the answering machine. Great… the one day I leave, he decides to call three times! Annoyed, I press the play button.

"_Hey, Asuka, it's me. Listen, I need you to come down here as soon as possible. Hikari's coming to pick you up. Be ready in five minutes,_" oops… guess I should have at least told him that I was leaving, shouldn't I? Pressing play once again, I hear him over the answering machine.

"_Okay, I don't know what the deal is, but Hikari said you didn't answer the door. If you went out, you need to get over here the second you hear this,_" his voice was extremely annoyed and even a little angry. Did he find out about the baby? The last message had the time of three forty five on it… I just missed it!

"_Asuka, if you get this, you need to go to one of the old shelters built for the Angels, understand?_" there was an alarm in the background, making my heart pound, "_Just stay there! I'll send Kaji out to find you, but just stay there! We're not sounding the alarm for another half hour, so that'll give you some time to… shit!_" the phone cut out into static, leaving another three minutes of fuzz on the voice mail. I, however, didn't wait around that long. I was already running towards the car when it cut off, my main intention being to get to Shinji as fast as possible.

The only thought in my head was whether or not a new Deviant has shown itself – but if so, where is it? With all of the Angels except for one, they were massive monsters that could be seen for miles! Of course, this last Deviant was completely invisible… I don't care, all I know is that something is happening, and he apparently needs help. The roads were oddly empty for this time of day, leading me to believe that most of the people at least have seen a news broadcast or something… hell if I know, it doesn't matter. Pushing the car way past its limits, I get down to the NERV entrance in very little time – getting in, on the other hand, was an entirely different task all together. It was under complete lockdown, and the vehicle transport was shut down, forcing me to become a little more… innovative would be a good word.

Not like this is a completely new experience to me; I've had to break into NERV via air ducts before. The big difference back then was that I had Shinji to force open any of the doors for me… hopefully I don't come across any of those. The air vent was quite random, just sticking up out of the ground in some nearby back ally – not quite the best of securities, but I suppose that's a good thing in this instance. After about ten minutes of crawling in complete darkness, I finally come across an air vent looking down into one of the NERV offices; empty, of course. With a quick jump and an almost twisted ankle, I hurry out of the random office to find myself in the holding cages for the Evas, two of which were noticeably missing. The only ones remaining were Toji's and mine, both of which were already turned on and waiting for some sort of command.

I call out to anyone, being met with predictable silence. I could make out some sort of sound surrounding me, like that of heave machinery or construction, but it had absolutely no direction. With an annoyed grunt, I run towards the main office where Gendo and Shinji have all of their private meetings, hoping to run into someone along the way or there. There was absolutely no one wandering the halls, which made sense if there was an attack going on – everyone is probably at their stations… but this is so annoying! I still don't know my way around this place, and it'll be a miracle if I manage to get to the main office without getting lost! Ten minutes later, I was finally opening the door to the huge office that Gendo and Shinji share, only to be met with it completely empty. Damn it! They're always in here to oversee everything! What the hell is going on?

"Well, what now Asuka?" physically giving up, I stroll over to the oversized leather chair and fall back onto it, overlooking the entire empty NERV headquarters. The command center was empty, which means that this entire building is empty… great, now I'm probably stuck in here. There's no way I could get back up to that air vent without killing myself! I hate feeling this helpless… what am I supposed to do now? I mean, I guess I could get in my Eva, but what good would that do if this Deviant is like the last one? I really wish someone – anyone – would show up and guide me as to what to do…

"Hello there princess," like his own personal angel, I hear Kaji enter the room from behind me, "Didn't we tell you to stay away?" with a smile that soon faded, I turned around to see a beaten and bloody man, cigarette still hanging from his lips.

"What the hell happened to you?" I leap up in shock as I take in his mangled persona. He was clenching his upper left arm as if it was broken, and he walked towards me with a slight limp.

"Hell hath no fury like that of a woman's scorn… Misato may be up there with this, but Lust has her beat," how can he be joking like that? "Has Shinji ever told you about where we keep Lilith?" I simply shake my head, still taking in what's happening, "Well then, looks like we're taking a tour. Hopefully you don't like that outfit too much," he pulls two familiar red objects out from his pocket and throws them to me, "You're getting in the Eva."

"Not until you tell me what's happening!" his friendly face faded into nothing, reminding me of Rei.

"Now is not the time Asuka, I'll give you the details on the way. Just run over to your Eva, I'll control the entry plug from the command center. You'll have to go in alone, but I'll be here to talk you through it," I just stand there, completely appalled at the situation, "If you think I'm hurt, how bad do you think the others are?! Go!" he finally wore the mask of rage, sending me running past without so much as another word. His words kept ringing in my mind, repeating and reminding me what could be happening to everyone. Shinji wasn't the only one I was worried about… I consider these people friends… a few of them more than that, I suppose…

"Sorry, but we don't have time for you to change into the plug suit," his voice rang clear as I entered the chilling LCL. Part of me was annoyed, because he was right – this outfit is going to be completely ruined by this damned liquid, "I'm going to start sending you down to the lower levels," the entry plug is injected into my reserve Eva as he spoke, "The Deviant is, for some reason, only staying by Lilith. You're going to fight it in there. Do you understand me so far?"

"Yes. Are the others down there too? What hazards are there?" the old piloting instincts from seven years ago kicked in, and I completely blocked out all other stimuli. There was no NERV, there was no Eva, and there was no one else – only me and this currently unseen foe.

"Unfortunately, yes. Along with having an actual physical form, Lust uses telepathy to speak to humans. Every employee of NERV is down there, entranced by their own definition of Lust. They won't move, so you're going to have to fight around them. The level is enormous, so you don't have to worry too much. Just be aware. I'm not sure what else Lust can do, so just watch your back," great, going up against a Deviant without so much as basic information… the Eva begins to descend down that giant elevator that usually shoots upward to the surface.

"How'd you get away from it?" and if people are in a trance, why does he have those wounds?

"Because I have no Lust for anyone but Katsuragi, and I have that," his joking, misogynistic voice replaced the serious one, telling me that he won't be giving me a straight answer, "As for the wounds, they spontaneously appear on anyone in a trance. I don't remember what my trance was of, but I assume it was violent. I'm sure you'll have an answer to that when Ritsuko gets on researching it," the complete darkness was unveiled, showing a massive room with a yellow sea and two massive, white beings in the dead center. There were pepper speckles around the two beings, what I assume to be the NERV employees, "Do you have a visual?"

"Yeah… I'm going to have to lure it away from them, I can't fight over there. Do I have any weapons?" where did I think they were going to come from? Stupid question…

"Nope," knew it, "Only the standard sword your Eva has on its back," you know, I may hate this Eva, but it certainly is stronger than my old one. Even though I can barely look at the face of this thing without cringing in remembrance of the past, the fact that it's easier to control, faster, and can fly helps me out quite a bit. The biggest downfall, however, is the regeneration aspect of it; there is absolutely no armor on this thing, meaning that I feel absolutely everything. Sure, it regenerates lost body parts, but that doesn't mean I can't feel it…

"Great… okay, cutting off transmission. Only contact me if needed," I turn of the communication link and step down off the platform, "Are you all awake?" I call out through the external speakers, "If so, move!" predictably, not a single twitch of movement, "More great news!" with a smile on my face, I reach behind me and pull out the sword, unsure of what I was even going to do with it, "Let's do it…"

Running towards the two white bodies, they soon began to give a visual to their true shape. The smaller one was Lilith, up on the red cross and still suspended by its palms. The other being seemed to have no shape at all; it flowed around Lilith like a fluid, never staying in one position long enough to give a hint to its shape. It stayed in a single, massive glob in front of Lilith, leaving me dumbfounded as what exactly to do. Keeping in mind the people below me, I reach over and hold out a single index finger to the glob in an attempt to at least touch it. The moment I did, the glob instantly took the form of a white version of my Unit 02, mimicking the same poking action I was doing. I jumped out of my skin, damn near stepping on the people below, and back up enough, preparing myself for a fight.

"What the hell?" I thought this thing was lust? What does Unit 02 have to do with this? Lust stepped over the people below and followed me back, glaring at me the entire way, "What… are you…?" I suppose it doesn't matter, does it? If it has a shape, that shape can be broken! I plant on that same smile and glare at the image in front of me, "Bring it on!" I lunge at the Deviant, sword in hand and wings at full sprawl. With a single motion, it reached up at grabs the sword, making me stop dead in my tracks.

"You would hurt me?" the head of the mach-Eva contorts for a moment, and it soon takes the form of an all too familiar woman.

I didn't realize it at first – it was just a person for a brief moment in time. The face first rang a bell in my mind. It then reminded me of a distant memory. It then made my entire body shiver, and make my eyes grow wide. I haven't seen this face since I was a child… I never wanted to see this face again… she still has that eerie smile on…

"My dear Asuka, where have you been?" rage filled my mind as I realized this thing was mocking me. It knows nothing of what I feel! It's just trying to distract me! I sacrifice the sword and leap back – I'm just unable to look at her this close anymore. I realize she isn't real, but she's still there!

"Stop it!" I charge toward the Deviant with full intentions of tearing it apart with nothing but my hands.

"Asuka!" Kaji pops up on screen, making me stop in my tracks, "Stop being so hasty!" as I took the shaking breath to reply, I caught a quick glimpse of something white flying towards me, and I soon felt the full, sharp pain of something in the direct center of my chest. I hold in the scream and once again turn off the communication link, ensuring that I locked it close.

"Damn it…" as I expected, the same sword I just left behind was sticking straight out of my torso, and I could feel the pain all the way through my body, "You want to play like that, huh?" that damned smiling face of hers only stared at me, still in the position it was in as it threw the sword. With a final push of courage, I clench my teeth and pull the sword out of my body. I wasn't able to hold in the scream that time…

"You shouldn't be here," the face once again changes to a much more recent memory – one of Shinji. Honestly, this should be easier to deal with than her! I throw the sword as far out as I possibly could so it couldn't be turned against me again and decide that I needed to finish this quickly.

I really had no idea that it would be that fast, and frankly, I can't believe it went on the way it did. I never got in so much as a single hit… every time I would pull back to punch or kick it, the damn thing would be blocking it before I even finished that action. It toyed with me for a short while before apparently becoming bored and finally ending the fight. In the first act of aggression, it grabbed a thrown punch of mine and proceeded to thrust its fist straight through my stomach. It hurt like hell, but I've been through much worse, and I thought I was going to be able to just suck it up. The thing wasn't done toying with me.

A torn off jaw was the first thing it did beyond the punch – that's when the tears first started and the screaming became worthless. The fist it was holding on to was the next to go, torn off at the elbow, and Shinji's face only smiled at me as it continued. I tried to turn and run back to the elevator, where I was sure Kaji would be waiting to bring me back up. I was running so frantic… I was almost there… why couldn't it just let me go? I was leaving, damn it! I fell forward as it grabbed my ankle, and I finally gave in. I finally just let go of the controls, held my head, and waited for the inevitable… but it wouldn't just kill me. It wouldn't end it! It had to torment me! I struggled, of course I did, but what was the point? It butchered me… and I eventually blacked out from the pain. By the end, I don't even know what it was doing behind me, but I knew it had already torn open my back and was exploring me like a gutted deer. I just gave up…

"Asuka! Asuka! Let me eject the plug!" I was thrown into consciousness by Kaji's voice, and my eyes took awhile to focus to his disgusted, worried face, "Unlock the plug!" I look around and see that all the yellow fluid around me has a red tint to it. I attempt to stand, only to be met with excruciating pain in my back as I hear the Eva's bones crunch under its own weight, "Stop trying to move! Just stay still!" completely ignoring him, I continue to try to move as every muscle and bone in my body cried out in agony. I had no idea what the shape of my Eva was, but it was far from what it originally was.

"Bastard…" I murmur that same word over and over, ignoring the pain that was coursing through my entire body. With a final scream, I manage to struggle to my feet and once again turn off the communication link. At least I know both of my legs were still there… they still hurt like all hell though. I see Lust back with Lilith in its old, liquid form. I limp toward it extremely slowly, unsure of what I was even planning on doing. The pain started to fade as the Eva tried to regenerate itself, but there was simply too much wrong to fix – it'll take way too long. I have to do something to finish this… I can't just leave everyone here!

"You really need to learn when to give up!" the voice was omnipresent, and the liquid shot over to me, piercing the torso and entering the wounds of the Eva. I could feel the liquid steel enter my veins, and all at once, I felt what true pain was. The entry plug filled with the white fluid, and entered through the pores of my true skin. I panicked, and tried to push it off, but it just flowed through my fingers as if it were nothing. I held my hand up to my face in horror as it began to bulge, my skin resisting the urge to simply pop under the pressure. The bulge traveled down my arm, through my chest, and towards… no…

"Get away! No!" I clawed through my shirt, exposing the randomly bubbling skin of my stomach below, "Stop! Stop it! Please!" in an instant, the bulging stopped, and there was complete silence outside of my own frantic breathing, "No…" it was still inside me… it was still… I cut off my own thoughts with a violent scream as something within my abdomen popped, sending a horrible pain through my body and blood flooding into the LCL. I knew what happened… I knew what Lust had done… there was not a mark on my stomach, as there shouldn't be – that's not where the damage was done. I really just wish it would have killed me… I wouldn't have to feel the pain of losing a loved one…

I had no sense of time; minutes seemed like hours, hours seemed like minutes. It wasn't really here or there in my mind. I just kept thinking about what I lost, what Shinji lost, what just happened to me… Lust didn't make another appearance, neither in the entry plug nor back around Lilith. I had no idea what was happening, and I didn't care… I tried wrapping my own hands around my neck in an attempt to just end this torment, but predictably, that wasn't possible. I hated myself so much… why did it have to do this to me?!

"Asuka?" it was faint at first, but the repeating name eventually got louder as a square line of light formed above me in the plug, telling me that it was being opened. I saw Shinji's face, just as beaten and torn as Kaji's was, when the door finally opened. His left eye was bruised and bloodshot, and his face was covered in random nicks and cuts.

"She killed it…" I could feel the tears flowing out of my eyes, only to immediately vanish in the pool of LCL, "I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry Shinji…" I murmur to him as he helped me out, immediately taking me into a deep hug as he did, "I tried to help… I really tried…"

The next few hours were mostly spent with me under either some sort of sedation or complete anesthesia. Initially, my abdomen was simply numbed to stop the pain, and I was soon rushed into the operating room to repair all the damage that was done – not like they could really do much. I'm not stupid, I realize what my prognosis is going to be; it's not like they can grow complete organs…

I was finally coming down from the drugs at around three in the morning, which is when the full sense of what happened between Lust and I hit. How did I manage to keep fighting for that long? I've never taken that kind of damage before… why couldn't I have just stayed down? I have no idea what would have happened, but my Eva could have at least regenerated, giving me a second chance! I hate this… why did it have to attack my child? Why did it have to go that far? It couldn't have just killed me? I thought strikes my mind that makes me instantly sit up in bed in pure fright.

"What about Lust?" this was the first time I had my eyes open, and I was met with the typical hospital room with Shinji sitting across, reading a magazine with his one good hand – the other was in a sling.

"We have no idea," he spoke to me without moving the book, "Since it was attacking us mentally, we believe that it couldn't actually kill anyone. It can only attack emotions, along with the bodily harm that is overly obvious," his voice was cold and uncaring.

"But… then where did it go?"

"Officially? You killed it and sustained some partial damage yourself. What we think? It mentally infected all of the pilots, paving the road for future Deviants. I'm the only one that wasn't severely harmed; Rei is still in a coma with brain waves that indicate a seizure, Toji hasn't spoken to anyone since he woke up, and you… well, you may be the worst, we still need Hikari to evaluate your mental state."

"What… about everyone else?" that magazine is really starting to get on my nerves… why can't he look at me?!

"For the most part, they're all fine outside of a few cuts and bruises. Lust probably only had them under to keep them from helping the pilots," he finally moves the magazine to show a neutral face, but one covered in an aura of anger, "Why didn't you obey my orders?"

"What did you expect me to do? Leave you all down there?" it hurt to speak, but I'll be damned if I'm taking this laying down!

"I expected you to follow what I told you to do! You seem to be forgetting that I'm your superior when you enter this building! Breaking and entering? Hijacking an Eva? Entering Lilith's quarters? You should be in prison right now!" he stands up mid-sentence, staring down at me with that same face. He took a breath to say something, but he cut himself off before beginning once again with much calmer tone, "You are to stay in this room until all of your physical and mental evaluations are complete. The mental portion will be done in the morning by Hikari, and the physical portion will take a few days. You are done with surgery and treatment, but you will have to start on a regiment of estrogen supplement pills – Lust took more than just the baby," he turns and begins to walk to the door, leaving me ready to cry.

"How did you know?" it was barely above a whisper, but he heard it. He paused for a moment before responding.

"A hunch. How could you hurt a mother more than taking away her child?" he turned his head so he could see me through the corner of his eye, "Along with her ability to bear any more? Lust managed to both remove the fetus and completely destroy your ovaries," turning his head back around to hide any emotion, he once again began to leave me, "Get some sleep."

He may have turned off the lights, but there simply was no way I would be getting to sleep tonight. Now that I'm in the right mind, I'm not exactly mourning about the loss of the fetus – it was barely more than a clump of random cells – but to take away any chance of children in the future… I just can't cope with that. I mean no, I don't exactly want children right now, but who's to say anything about five years from now? I might have been a great mother… a great wife… who would want a woman that can't even have a child?

Grunting in pain, I slide out of the bed and towards the bathroom after turning back on the light. I needed to see if there was any other damage done to me… how can I be so selfish? I'm in here checking to see if my own body is fine while everyone else is still licking their wounds… but I have to know, it's all I have right now. Giving me a brief moment of happiness, I lift the gown to see that my body looks exactly as it did this morning. Of course, by my happiness, I felt a small sense of dread knowing that I'm rejoicing about something in light of everything that's happened… what is going to happen now? He said that I'm probably the worst mentally – and hell if I know if he's right or not – so will they let me pilot? As much as I've been holding over Shinji's head that I'm only doing it for him, I've actually started to enjoy this quite a bit. I better make a good impression on Hikari tomorrow…

As I start to walk back to the bed, I jump slightly at a shady figure standing in the hallway staring into my room. It walks in to show Kaji, now bandaged up and in a sling similar to Shinji's. The look on his face was naught, and with a slight limp, he walked over to me, stopping for a moment before leaning in and taking me into an unexpected hug with his one good arm. Awkwardly, I return the favor, smiling slightly at the seemingly random gesture.

"What's… this for?" he was just tall enough to where I was speaking into his shoulder, and he continued to hug me as I spoke.

"Don't ever make me watch that again, Asuka…" oh… well, this makes more sense now, "I'm so sorry… for sending you down there."

"Oh stop it!" I lean back with a smile to see his eyes slightly glassy. This is the first time I've ever seen him like this, and I must say, I hate it, "It really wasn't that bad. Plus, I'm the one that kept fighting. Apparently I need more training, huh?" I tried to lighten the mood, and was only met with a fake smile.

"You're a bad liar," I always have been, "I'll… talk to you tomorrow. Get some sleep," repeating Shinji's previous motions, he leaves the room and turns off the light, leaving the room illuminated by only the moon outside the window.

"Yeah…" finally taking some good advice, I crawl into bed and close my eyes in a seemingly futile attempt at gaining forty winks.

True, I was asleep in only a few minutes, but that doesn't mean I slept well. I really don't know why, but I woke up many times throughout the night and early morning – sure, I went right back to sleep, but that's never happened to me before. Is it some kind of drug they gave me? Yeah, I'm sure that's it… I have to be on some heavy painkillers, because I can barely feel anything from the fight. Pilots may not get physical wounds from the injuries, but we certainly still feel soreness the next day. Regardless, I slept like hell, and by the time I woke up, I was more tired than I was when I actually went to sleep. Predictably, Hikari was the person to wake me at eleven in the morning sharp.

She was smiling, being friendly, and acting as if nothing happened, but the clipboard in her hands and NERV badge hanging from her blouse told me why she was here. She would randomly and nonchalantly write things down as we spoke, all while pretending this is what we always do. She never addressed anything in particular, but the manner in which we carried on the conversation was extremely… forced, I guess would be a good word. I told her about my new car, how I'm annoyed at the fact my outfit was ruined, and how I met someone that I actually saved, but her responses and questions just weren't her style. It really bugged me that she was being this fake about everything – what, does she think that I'm oblivious to what she knows? Just come out and ask me the real questions and stop beating around the bush!

I, however, never said quite that. Within half an hour, she was gone after making a half-assed excuse of needing to see Toji, and I was once again left alone. In a hospital, unfortunately, this is never the case for very long. No, instead, a nurse – who I believed to be an intern due to her horrid bedside manner – came in and explained the drugs that were now a part of my life. They were simple, small, thirty milligram pills that I was to take every night before going to sleep. They would keep my body believing that it was a woman – without these, the testosterone in my body would overpower the estrogen, and I would end up gaining 'male features' as she put it. I didn't bother to ask what those were; it was all the convincing I needed to take the drugs.

As per Shinji's request, I stayed around until both exams were done, so I felt entitled to go home and at least try to sleep in my own, comfortable bed. I changed into the pair of sweat pants and white t-shirt that were laid out in the room as quickly as possible, which, during the process, made me realize just how much my abdomen ached. It wasn't a sharp pain, it was simply difficult to move… hopefully that doesn't last too long, I hate the reminder. Oddly enough, no one really stopped me as I left the hospital. I noticed that nearly every room was full from Lust's attack, so I suppose they just didn't notice me due to the amount of work they had. Not like it matters – I would have left regardless. Within ten minutes, I was crawling into my car and starting it up, all too anxious to get home. When I finally did, I noticed Shinji's car in the driveway… he's home? He normally stays the night at NERV when something big happens… I suppose this will give us an opportunity to talk, which is obviously needed. I felt confident and nervous at the same time as I put the key in the door, but it's a necessary evil. Upon walking in, I immediately see Shinji and Gendo on the living room sofa speaking, though the instantly stopped and looked at me as I entered.

"Miss Soryu, how are you feeling?" Gendo has a few cuts and bruises himself, but nothing as serious as Shinji or Kaji. His voice was compounded with formality, reminding me that he couldn't care less how I felt.

"I'm aching," my eyes move to Shinji, who looks way too much like Gendo sitting there looking at me, "What's going on?"

"Nothing to worry about," Shinji picks up a file from the coffee table and opens it as he spoke, "We just need to talk about a few things. You were, after all, the only person who actually saw Lust. Don't be so nervous, take a seat," he clicks a pen out and begins to write as he spoke and I took my seat in the chair across the sofa, creating an interview-esque environment.

"I can't really tell you much more than the cameras picked up…" they were both dressed in their commander uniform, and for the first time, I saw the resemblance between the two – they actually looked related, and I hated it. I don't exactly despise Gendo, but he's by far not my favorite person. What happened over the years that I was gone to make them so close?

"We realize that, but what you can tell us is what you believe you saw down there," so that's what this is about… should have known. Gendo continued on with the same tone, "Well?"

"I saw Lilith, if that's what you're asking. I also saw that sea of yellow fluid… what was that?" they both look up at me with condescending stares.

"It would be wise to keep your questions to a minimum. In this case, ignorance is bliss," why is Gendo the only one talking? "Shinji, would you like to inform her of the situation?"

"Absolutely," he put the pen in the file and closed it, looking up at me aggressively, "Lilith is an Angel. You know this. You also know that, in essence, the Evas are Angels too. Are we on the same page thus far?" I simply nod as I become annoyed by his tone, "We don't know what happened, but you made contact with Lilith at one point or another. Lilith is now gone, and there isn't a single trace of her. Do you remember touching her at all?" I honestly can't remember too well, but I'm not going to show that sign of weakness to them.

"Never. I touched Lust when it was close to Lilith, but I'm absolutely positive that I never made contact – I realize what would happen if I did that."

"You think you do," Gendo cut in with a firm voice, "We thought we did as well," I send a glare his way before looking back at Shinji, who has sense started writing once again.

"What's this all about? Why couldn't this have been done at NERV?" I'll be damned if I can't ask any questions!

"Because this isn't just about NERV. We got what we needed about the battle, thank you very much," Shinji finally puts away the pen and hands me the folder, "Here is the current situation; you have been deemed mentally unstable in the sense that you have released yourself from emotional attachments compounded with the fact that we feel you are unable to comprehend the severity of the current situation," feeling a small amount of rage build up inside me as he spoke, I opened the folder to show a picture of an apartment with address, phone number, and other information jotted down in Shinji's handwriting.

"Damn it, Hikari…" how did she speak to them so quickly?!

"You will be allowed to continue piloting if you so choose. However, Gendo and I have come to the agreement that your place is not here in this home. The apartment-" I stand up, unable to take this silently any longer.

"You're kidding me! What, now that I'm 'mentally unstable' I'm not good enough for you?" he took in a breath and remained calm.

"The apartment is in the same complex as Rei's. You will be living there until further notice," I throw the file at him, making the papers inside fly into the air. The fact that they both remained completely motionless only increased my anger.

"You say that I'm not mentally stable, so you ship me off to some rundown apartment? Why don't you just say what this is, Shinji? You're just angry at me for losing the child!" Gendo slowly turns his head towards Shinji, who was now returning my glare.

"Child?" the room was silent for what seemed like an eternity before he once again spoke, "Commander Ikari, is there something you need to tell me about your relationship with Miss Soryu?" Shinji continued to stare up at me for a moment before responding.

"Nothing at all, Sir. There's nothing to tell. Asuka Langley Soryu is a pilot under my command, nothing more," I wanted to attach him with this clenched fist so badly… I wanted to make him experience the pain he just dealt to me…

"No I'm not, find a new pilot," I can't let them see me cry! I can't let them see me cry! Essentially running away from the situation, I turn to the door and hastily make my way towards it.

"Going back to the crack den, I see," with tears now starting to roll down my cheeks, I turn and look at Shinji with the most anger I've ever had towards him, "Oh, is it something else? What do you call it – meth?"

"Shut up…" I speak through clenched teeth, still facing away from him but standing completely still outside of my body quivering.

"Heroine?"

"I said shut up…"

"Or will it be the feeling of a stranger inside you?"

"I said shut up!" I couldn't take his torment any more – I finally snapped and lunged at him, wrapping my hands around his throat as he struggled underneath me. I want him dead… I want him to turn cold under my touch… I want him to bleed! I want him to feel the pain I'm feeling right now! I can feel the airway closing… I can feel the blood vessels struggling to open! I can feel myself smiling…

"Soryu!" Gendo stands up and tries to pull me off from behind, but he's gotten old through the years – he's nothing more than an inconvenience. He clenched his eyes shut as he struggled, only raising my fury.

"Look at me!" I shake his head as his eyes shot open again, "You look at me when you insult me!" this went on for what seemed like only a few seconds before Shinji's eyes begin to turn red as his grasp on my wrists loosen, and what I believe to be one of my tears falls on his forehead.

I love seeing him like this! He's tormented me my entire life, and now I'm finally in control! He thinks he saved a poor little kitten from hell when he found me, but all he did was make my life worse than it already was! He needs to feel the pain I'm feel every time he speaks to me… I need him to just leave me alone! Why won't he just go away? He won't do it on his own, so I'm making him go away… I begin to cry uncontrollably above him, letting out a few repressed bursts of breath as I did, all the while smiling wide. I can barely see him through the tears, but I don't care – I can feel him slipping away…

"You see what you do to me?" I whisper to him through the smile – he has to know why he's going to die! "Do you see? I fought Angels for you, I left because of you, I started drugs because of you, I slept with strangers because of you, and I stopped all of it for you! It was all for you!" I can feel my nails dig into the back of his neck, sending a small trickle of blood down onto the sofa. He finally completely let go of my wrists as his eyes closed, but I knew he wasn't dead – I could still feel a heartbeat… "I love you!"

**MAKE SURE YOU READ THE A/A/N! IMPORTANT INFORMATION IS IN THERE!**

A/N – Whew, that chapter was a doozy! Honestly, I originally planned this chapter to be all about Asuka and her baby, hence the title Kiss From a Rose. However, it changed into something WAY different… but I have to say, this is by far my favorite chapter. Personally, I feel that this would be an amazing place to end the story; it started off with Asuka spiraling, and it ended with it. This was all about how Asuka would manifest herself into an adult, and I think that I've made myself fairly clear on what I feel about her. However, I can promise you that this fic is not over – I have too many ideas still floating around to just give it up. Check out the next chapter, Distrust. Until then, keep on keepin' on!

A/A/N – I'm going to stop with the song titles – it doesn't give me enough flexibility with what I'm writing. Also, I'm going to stop with the weekly updates; instead, I'm taking up what I used to do with my fics. I'll update when I get five reviews from the previous chapter. For instance, once I get five reviews for this chapter, I'll post chapter 14 (which I have done already by the way). This is for two reasons; one, I don't feel that once a week updates are often enough, and two, I think that you guys would like more material from me more often. This'll give us both a little bit of a gauge!


	14. Distrust

Chapter 14: Distrust

Shinji originally wanted me in jail for what I tried to do, but he soon came around and just had me under house arrest until 'further notice'. I still don't remember what exactly happened – the last memory I have was of him turning blue and starting to bleed. Moments after that, everything goes black… according to the NERV security guard outside my door, I was hit with a powerful taser by the security that was apparently watching the house. It's been three days in this house, and I've yet to speak to anyone but the guard, which has only been twice in the first day. Everything else has been silent – no television, no radio, nothing what so ever. My clothes were delivered to me yesterday, and meals are brought to me twice a day; lunch and dinner. They don't trust me even in the slightest, so there are cameras watching my every move in every room… originally, I couldn't sleep with that thought, but I've grown used to it.

All of this silence has certainly given me time to think – time to wonder what exactly was going through my mind. I still hate him so much I can't even think about it without my heart racing, but for me to go as far as to try and kill him… he'd be dead right now if the security wasn't around. Would I have regretted it? I can't tell at this point… right now, I wish I had killed him. I know very well that he's the source of my pain, of all my pain, and I just can't be around him any longer! I wasn't just talking out of nowhere, I really did do all of that for him – I realized that as I said the words. I know it's not healthy to think that way, but it's true… and I hate it.

In my mind, I've completely decided what I'm going to do when I get out of this house – I'm going back to the only thing that's made me happy, even if it's short term. Nothing has kept me happy as long as that, so I suppose it's as good as my life can get. I really need to make it a point to continue to taking these estrogen pills at night, regardless if I'm shooting up or not. Every time I think about it my skin crawls a little… I'm going to have to get back in the old habits of dealing with the general pain of it all… Shinji, or anyone else at NERV for that matter, doesn't know about my intentions. As far as they're concerned, I'm piloting as soon as they let me again. However, the moment that guard leaves, I'm out of here… I can't wait!

Hikari sent me a letter yesterday, apologizing for what she indirectly caused. I don't think that I'll ever be able to forgive her, regardless of how hard I try; she's the reason I'm here. She knows me – she knows that I would have gotten over it with time! She also said that she'll be coming over today… I don't plan on speaking to her what so ever. If I do, I really have no idea what I could end up doing to her; I've already shown myself to be violent right now.

"Miss Soryu?" the semi-familiar voice of the guard rang through the closed door.

"Yes?" I was only sitting on the sofa, looking out the window in my lounging clothes as I always do.

"You have a visitor. Ayanami, Rei," her? What's she doing here?

"Let her in," he opened the door to reveal Rei in her normal school clothes. Is school out for her already? A quick glance at the clock let me know that it was already three in the afternoon… these hours pass like nothing.

"Asuka," she began to speak as he closed the door, "Would you mind if I speak to you again?" there's no way she knows what happened… she wouldn't be here if she did.

"Sure, sure. What's going on? How's Jake?" yeah, there's no way she knows; she's way too calm. She took a seat in the chair across from me, read for any more advice I can give. I can't just turn this girl away – she trusts my opinion, and no one else is willing to help her. Plus, I have to admit, she's growing on me in an odd way.

"It actually doesn't have anything to do with him this time. I wanted to ask you something a little more personal, if that would be alright," I give her the welcoming hand signal she's grown so used to, "Who are you?"

"I'm sorry? What do you mean?" how the hell am I supposed to answer that?

"Who are you? Where did you come from? What have you done? You know almost everything about me, but I know almost nothing about you. I would greatly appreciate it if you were to tell me," what's with her sudden interest? She normally couldn't care less… I suppose some social skill is starting to rub off on her.

"Well… I guess I'll just start at birth. I was a test tube baby; by that I mean that my mother went to a sperm bank to get fertilized. Long story short, I started working for the German branch of NERV; she died shortly after," I left out the long, uninteresting portions on purpose – I didn't really want to be telling her this, but I can tell it matters to her, "Then I came here to pilot with Shinji and yo-.. Toji," crap! Almost made a huge slip up! "Then… listen, I'm sorry, but why do you care? Where is this coming from?"

"There has been a lot of negative talk about you around NERV, and I don't see any of the things they say about you. Logically, I must be missing something," three days and there's already gossip going around?

"What exactly are they saying about me?" her opinion of me has changed from whatever they've told her – she's not acting the same.

"I'm not at liberty to say," I lean forward and give her a strong stare, "I'd… rather not repeat, if that is okay with you."

"Fine, whatever. Are we done here?" I lay back onto the sofa, trying to ignore her as much as possible. What, did she think that she could walk in here and ask anything she wanted without question? Like hell! She sat silent for a moment, which seemed like an eternity to me when there's a creepy little girl in my room.

"Did… you enjoy it? Is it worth it?" I turn my head to see her blushing, staring at the ground.

"What's 'it'?" I'm seriously not about to have the sex talk with Rei – that's just crossing the line. If she and Jake are at that point already, let them, I couldn't care less.

"The… drugs that you used to do. Are they worth it?" so that's what this is really about – she's seeing if what she's been told it true. Fine, if she wants the story, I'm going to give it to her! I sit up and look at her once again.

"I don't know what they've been telling you there, but I'm sure it's not flattering. You want the story of my life? Here it is; I was a prostitute for almost three years, and I've shot up just about anything you can get a reaction off of. Is that what they've been telling you? Hm?" she slowly nodded her head, still staring at the ground, "And you're asking me if it was worth it?"

"I… just wanted to know how you feel about your past actions. I realize that-"

"You don't realize anything, so don't pretend to have empathy. Tell me something Rei, you're still a virgin, right?" she stayed silent, "Well, let me guess – you're saving that for someone special, aren't you?" once again, that annoying silence, "I lost mine to Shinji, and I don't regret it, but do you know who the next person I slept with was?" she slowly shook her head, "Neither do I – I can't remember. Am I making myself clear? I don't pretend to hide anything about myself, and while I may not be proud of it, that's what happened. So tell your little friends back at NERV that they can talk about me all they want, because I just don't care anymore," I managed to keep my voice calm the entire time; I didn't want that guard to come in thinking that something was happening.

"I still respect your opinion," she randomly blurted out after a brief pause.

"What?" I instantly knew that my response was much too harsh in tone.

"I still respect you as a person, Miss Soryu, if that makes a difference," she rubbed her left eye with the back of her wrist as she stood up, obviously intending to leave, "I'll… see you at NERV when you come back," she stops for a moment before opening the door, "Okay?"

"Yeah…" she smiled that same smile that only I could see before leaving, once again leaving me in the room alone. Why did I blow up at her like that? She's only a kid – of course she's confused about what's going on! I mean hell, she probably doesn't even know what half of the things I just said meant… great, now I'm going to have to apologize… I hear two people talking outside, but I can't make out what they're saying in the least. I assumed it was Rei and the guard, but my suspicions were soon dashed when the guard once again spoke.

"Miss Soryu, you have another guest," his voice faded as he spoke to the other person, "Sir, are you sure?" there's no way… "Okay then," the guard opened the door to show Shinji, dressed in his commander uniform.

"Get out of here…" I whisper extremely softly, but I knew he could hear. He simply stood there, staring down at me. His entire neck was purple and blue, and I was able to make out the shape of my hands in the color. The whites of his eyes were almost completely bloodshot, and he still looked pale somehow. He must have stood there for an entire minute, locking me in a condescending gaze that made me want to attack him all over again, "What do you want?"

"Stay away from NERV, and stay away from my employees. I'm cutting you off – you're not fit to be a pilot," I stand up furiously, but stay in my place, "Watch your temper; the guard outside has no taser, only a gun."

"I was told I could still pilot," I clench my fists, creating a self inflicted physical pain as to keep me away from giving him any, "What's changed?"

"My mind. I've decided that you are far too unstable to pilot; you were barely usable when you were a child," I could feel my eyes glassing up not from sadness, but from an anger that I couldn't show any other way, "You should be happy to know that I'm allowing you to live here, free of charge."

"Shove it…" he can take this apartment and go to hell!

"I understand your anger, as I'm sure you understand mine," I finally burst out, unable to take his smug look any longer.

"What the hell do you have to be angry about?!" the door instantly opens to show the guard, ready for anything. Shinji turns his head to speak to him.

"I want you to stay outside, do you understand?" the guard simply nods and closes the door, leaving me, once again, with the man I loathe and adore, "I will admit, I was in the wrong for saying we were nothing more than coworkers. I will not, however, condone your actions."

"You were mocking me and you know it!"

"What did you want me to do? Let you go back to that life?" he finally shows some emotion on his face, though I couldn't tell if it was anger or sorrow, "The only thing that gets through to you is when people insult you! Why can't you just accept help?"

"Because your help has strings attached…" he took a breath to say something, but as always, he cut himself off before saying something apparently inappropriate.

"I'm not getting into this with you. I'm not going to pretend like I don't care about you, but you just need some serious help, which I'm willing to provide. I'm giving you the choice right now; if you want to go back to the life you used to have, I'll give you a ride to the house right now – it's still an extremely active drug medium. However, if you so choose, you…" he lowers his head and shakes it, "You can come back to live with me, because I want to make you better," I see a tear fall from his nose and onto the carpet, though I couldn't see his eyes.

"So, you're giving me an ultimatum, is that it?" he stays silent as he raises his head, showing me his face of sorrow, "You expect me to come running back to you? Just because…" I feel my heart sink before I even say it, making me pause slightly, "Just because I love you doesn't mean I don't hate you…"

"Asuka… please, just come home," for once, I'm seeing him beg for something he apparently truly wants. In all honesty, I wanted to go with him for that brief moment – to just ignore everything that's happened and go back to what things should and used to be. I wanted that… but I know that the road I'm on doesn't go forward. I'm in an infinite loop of self loathing and distrust to everyone I care about. I wanted to go with him, but it's just not fated for me…

"I don't want to see you try to save me again," his eyes widen at my words, "I don't want your help, so don't come to the rescue. This will be the last time you see the house, understand?" I made my way to my room as I spoke, where three suitcases still lay on the floor from when my clothes were brought over. I grabbed the smallest one, knowing that I'll need something to change into when I get there. When I got back out into the living room, he was still standing there, only with his eyes closed.

"Don't do this Asuka…"

"You act like you see me any other way. Say what you want, but you and I both know that the only way you'll ever see me is as an addict. I can't live with that, and I can't live with anything else that's going on," he looks at me with almost begging eyes, "It's this or I put a gun in my mouth, because I just can't take it anymore," oddly enough, I was completely calm as I said that.

Though he tried to fight it, he accepted my decision, and we were soon leaving the house. I saw Rei watching my apartment from across the complex, never even making so much as a move as I left. She may be young, but I'm sure she knows what's happening… she'll be fine, Shinji's just as good at advice as I am, when he's not trying to manipulate you that is. I got into his car without a word, and the entire drive was in complete silence. I had no idea where I was, and apparently we were either quite far from the house or he intentionally made the trip long enough to where I might have changed my mind.

I didn't.

Was I nervous? Absolutely; I had absolutely no idea what to expect. What if the leader of the house is worse than Dee? What if there's an overcrowding? What if they won't even take me? I don't see that happening though… a pretty girl like me is always welcome in a place like that. At least that's what Dee used to say… my mind kept going back and forth between my options, and I simply couldn't decide. I knew that my time was short on changing my mind if needed, because the neighborhoods were beginning to look familiar. I look over at Shinji to see him with a completely blank expression; he's always bottled up any kind of negative emotion.

"I'm… going to miss you, ya know," I finally broke the silence with the first thing that came to mind, which made me look even more insane than I already did.

"You too," his voice was that of someone who just got done crying, but not a single tear had fallen this entire ride.

"I mean, it's not like I didn't enjoy being with you. It was fun," I smile through the awkwardness, almost pleading with him to say something that'll change my mind, "I'll miss it."

"Remember when we were training to fight that Angel that could split in two? You were so angry at me for not being able to get the dance that you just ran off," he laughed a little as he spoke, "You were such a brat, and Kaji made me go talk to you under that gazebo. Do you remember what I said?"

"Not really…" what the hell is he talking about? I wanted him to change my mind, not reminisce!

"I said that you didn't have to force yourself. You… just need to stop taking on the world by yourself. Ask for help. Ask for advice. Ask for some sort of help, for once," there was once again silence – I had no idea what to say, "I can't imagine what it's like to be so lonely."

"I'm not lonely," we finally pull up to the all too familiar house, and I was left staring out the window at it, unable to move a single muscle.

"Asuka…" I turn to see him looking at me intently, "You're not alone, I want you to understand that. I'm not just saying this, okay? I need you to understand that I'm here for you, even though it doesn't feel like it at times. When you came back, I was so happy, you have no idea," he laughed through the last sentence, forcing a smile out of me, "I mean, up until I saw you again, I always thought that what we had was just this little high school crush. Like a first love that you can't let go… but when I saw you in that house…" he shakes his head, as if he was shaking away the thought, "Listen to me," in an act that took me completely by surprise, he takes my hand with both of his, "If you walk out of this car, you're going to die."

"I know…" I cut him off before he could continue, not liking that I haven't said a word so far.

"But if we go back home…" out of seemingly nowhere, he slides an absolutely beautiful ring onto the appropriate finger, "We can take care of each other."

I couldn't help but cry.

A/N – Short chapter, yes, but I enjoyed it quite a bit, and it got what needed to be done accomplished. Like it? Hate it? I think that this chapter was the polar opposite of the last one, so I can see how most of you would be a little blown away. Anyway, check out the next chapter, Lonely Together; until then, keep on keepin' on!


	15. Lonely Together

Chapter 15: Lonely Together

I must admit, even with his suggestion, part of me still wanted to walk out of that car and into the house, leaving it all behind and starting my old life all over again. However, of course, that is far from what actually happened. No, instead, we went back to his house and just spoke about what's been going on – neither one of us are people to talk these things out, but there really wasn't much of a choice. We had some serious issues that needed to be worked out, and yes, we did have a verbal fight. I wasn't feeling like he was seeing my side, and he was feeling the same about me – the typical fight. However, we did eventually get over it, and it ended with us both essentially saying that we were both in the wrong… though, I admit, I was much worse.

He stood his ground on his position that I should stay away from NERV for awhile; he still feels that I'm too emotionally unstable to deal with it, but I don't really care at this point. Yes, I'll miss piloting, but I'm sure that I'll be back to it in no time; as he said himself, they simply can't do with one less pilot. We didn't talk about that though… in fact, after the fight, we didn't really speak all too much about anything but us. Memories we share, memories we hope to make, the real typical mushy crap that you see on television. Not really my favorite thing, but it's a little hard to resist after what's happened. I mean, even I have to admit that he overcame a huge obstacle by asking me to come live with him again, taking into consideration that I was completely determined on killing him less than five days ago.

Now that I'm calm and have time to think about it, I really have no idea what happened to me… I think that there was just too much mental strain in too short of a period of time, and I simply snapped. Hell, I can barely remember doing it, but I know for a fact that I did. As a sort of unspoken apology, I've become Shinji's mach-nurse when he's home, taking care of his wounds from Lust – and, unfortunately, me – by applying any antibiotic and changing wrappings when needed. His arm, as I've come to learn, isn't broken like I originally thought; it's just a simple dislocation of his shoulder that he's being a wimp about. Regardless, I kept my mouth shut and helped him heal as much as I could.

He's also made a few changes himself when it comes to this relationship; he's being way more open about everything, including his position at NERV. As it turns out, he was hired by his father to be an equal as soon as he turned eighteen, which jump started their relationship. They work in completely different aspects of NERV, though they have essentially the same power; Gendo takes care of heading and organizing any attacks while Shinji pilots, and Shinji deals with the legality of NERV in any governmental issues. Misato has moved far up in the ranks, now being only a single rank below Shinji and his father. Shinji claims that she misses her old job as head of operations, but I have trouble believing that; she now serves two positions as Shinji's assistant and a guardian for future pilots.

To my surprise, NERV has a program in place that has possible pilots on hold in the event that any of us are ever killed. Just as she did for Shinji and I, she serves as the guardian to two pilots at the moment. I really need to meet up with her and see what's been happening with her – after all, I almost consider her my mother. There were a bunch of other details that I asked about and didn't really pay attention to – I only asked the questions to test his honesty.

Currently, I'm bored out of my mind sitting at home while Shinji is at work. It's been two weeks since I came back, and he's worked almost every single day from six in the morning to five in the afternoon. Sure, I still had my car, but where am I going to go? Sure, I could go to that modeling agency, but I just haven't been in the mood lately… I'm not sure why. I just haven't felt very attractive lately, both physically and mentally – though I admit the former could be a result of the latter. I've considered calling Hikari to come over, but I'm still fairly angry at her for what she did to me, even if it was her job. She's changed, and I must say, I don't really enjoy it too much. It's a little sad that I don't have any friends outside of her and a few acquaintances…

Out of boredom, I've pretty much become the maid around the house, doing everything but cooking. I've learned how to do laundry, and the rest of the chores are fairly common sense. It's by far not my favorite thing to do, but I suppose I better get used to it if Shinji's the one that works and I'm the woman who stays home. Just as I was finishing the third load of laundry for the day, which was around three in the afternoon, I got a little unexpected surprise visit from Toji. It started off casual enough, but it, of course, eventually shifted to what's been going on with me. I feel like he's the only one that understands where I am mentally, because he's had many of the same issues before… hell, at least the drugs.

"What's going on in your head right now?" he began the shift from casual speaking to serious topics.

"I really couldn't tell you," I fiddle with the glass of soda I served to us as I sat on the sofa across from him in the chair, "I'm not even sure myself. I don't even know what I want anymore – part of me wants Shinji, and the other part of me wants to go back to my old life."

"Yeah, I have days like that too," what I really like about him is that he doesn't judge me, he only listens and tries to understand. Even Shinji doesn't do that for me.

"That's the problem though, it's not a single day. I've been like this for a long time. Have you ever actually hit up again since you quit? Because I feel like I could use one sometimes…" he formed a small smirk on his face before responding.

"Honestly? I have a baggie of coke on me right now. Not much, but enough to help me get through a tough week if needed. I make sure to manage myself with it though; I don't allow more than two of these baggies a month," I was completely blown away at his honesty, leaving me wide eyed and jaw dropped.

"Does Hikari know?" why did I even bother asking that? Of course she doesn't!

"She doesn't understand people like us, Asuka. You know that. Listen, once an addict, always an addict – that's true, I don't care what anyone says. It's not like I'm doing this every day, and I'm not hurting anyone by doing it. This helps me get through some tough times when needed, and sometimes I don't even touch the stuff for a whole month," I have to admit, I admire his honesty; there's no way I'd tell anyone if I did that, "Do you understand what I'm saying? I don't want to seem like something I'm not here…"

"No, no, you're fine, I get it. I mean, I don't have that kind of will power, but if you do, all the power to you. Just be careful, okay?" he just laughs and nods, "Where do you even get it from?"

"Same place as before. You sure you don't want any? I could help you manage it if you wanted," I have to admit, that was extremely tempting, but I was proud of myself in the sense that I didn't give into the temptation.

"No, but thanks…" I finally decided to address the elephant in the room after a brief pause, "Do… you know… about me?"

"What about?" he tried to play dumb for a moment, but I could tell it was an act.

"What I did to Shinji," he's never been one to deal with awkward situations well – he averted his eyes to the glass of soda and swirled it around in the glass.

"Well, yeah, everyone knows. That's actually why I offered the drugs, you know? I know why you snapped, and I understand it, but you seriously better watch yourself. Shinji doesn't have the final word around NERV, and if other people want you gone, you'll be gone," I thought he held the highest position? Who can overthrow him? I decided to not ask questions…

"Yeah, I know, and thanks for not judging me. I don't know what happened to me, there was just too much going on at once. Losing my child, losing my fertility, being held from piloting, and what he said… ah, I just hated it!" I rub my eyes out of pure stress as he sat silent for a moment.

"Um… child? What he said? I know about the other two things, but… what?" how is it he knows everything else but doesn't know that?

"Oh, I was pregnant," he eyes shoot open, "That's what Lust really attacked. Shinji says it did that to damage me mentally – mission accomplished. And you don't know what he said?" still wide eyed, she shook his head.

"Did he provoke you? What happened?" I really shouldn't be telling him this, but he always opens up to me, I should return the favor.

"You didn't hear this from me, okay?" he nods, reassuring my trust, "When I was walking away, he essentially called me a whore, referring to my past life," I could tell he was slightly angry with Shinji, but he apparently decided to hold that in.

"Listen, I don't know if he's spoken to you about anything yet, but I just wanna say this. You need to stop defining yourself on what you used to do, whether it be that or your teenage years. You have to define yourself by present day circumstances, understand? I have to say, I'm getting a little annoyed with hearing about how you used to be, and you referring to it as your 'past life' as if you were reincarnated or something. It happened. Great. Now learn from it and move on. I'm not saying he's right – quite the contrary – but you just can't let it affect you that much," he never looked up at me as he spoke, expected some sort of retaliation. I almost did lash out at him, but what he said hit me within a few seconds – he was completely right. I've been using it as a crutch for why I'm the way I am… I just need to drop it already. Before the drugs it was my mother, so I've always had something!

"Yeah…" it was barely audible, but I knew he heard me by the small smile of relief he leaked out, "You know, I was approached by a man the other day, offering me a job as a model," I decided to change the subject, not wanting to dwell on it any longer.

"Really now?" he finally looks up at me with a smile, "You gonna take him up on it?"

"I don't know. I mean, what if I turn out to not be suited for it?" he lets out a small, mocking laugh.

"What if you're not suited for it? Asuka, you prep yourself up every day for free, you might as well get paid for it! Plus, and don't take this the wrong way, you really are attractive. It's about time you do something along those lines," part of me was a little surprised to hear that he looks at me that way. I mean, why not? He is a male after all…

"Well, thank you, but I'm still not sure. I'll think about it," I may have said that, but his words convinced me right then and there to go into his office today.

He left soon after, claiming he had to go take care of Yui, since Hikari will be going to work soon. I slightly suspected that he wasn't telling the whole truth, but it didn't really matter to me. If he needs to leave, then he needs to leave – no big deal. Almost immediately after he left, however, I jumped in the shower and began my ritual of getting ready. I finally decided to go to that modeling agency and try my hand at it. If I fail, whatever, at least he thought I was good enough. But if I do well enough… that'd be great! I take care to carefully wash and condition my hair, along with ensuring that there wasn't so much as a single clogged pore on my face. I didn't put much thought into what I was wearing, as I'm sure that they'll have me change once I get there; a simple short skirt and blouse will do. By the time it was four in the afternoon, I finally left the house with the business card in hand.

Luckily, the building wasn't too difficult to find – it was a five story, flashy complex in the heart of the city with the words '_RL Models_' sprawled across the top. With high confidence and a wishful mind, I enter the building and, after ten minutes of arguing with the front desk employee, have Kyo called down to speak to me. He instantly greeted me, obviously extremely happy to see that I took him up on the offer.

"Asuka! Great to see you!" we began to walk towards the elevator, making my heart race slightly, "Why didn't you tell me that you were an Eva pilot? I knew that you looked familiar, but that was so many years ago, you understand why I didn't catch on," apparently someone either told him or he found out, "If you do well today, that could definitely be your edge on the competition. I remember being in high school myself, looking at you and that blue haired girl and thinking that you two would be perfect! Would you mind if we used that in your modeling?" he's acting as if I've already gotten the job… I finally got a chance to speak.

"Well, I'm actually still a pilot, and I don't care, so long as it's not the only thing. I'm doing this to try and break away from piloting, not enhance it," he holds up a hand with a smile.

"Understandable, understandable. So listen, I know that this is all new for you, so I'm going to have another one of my girls help you out. We don't have any clothes picked out for you specifically, so you're just going to be modeling what we're working on today," he seemed a little hesitant to tell me exactly what that was.

"What are you working on," he scratched the back of his head as he struggled for the words.

"Well, you came on a bad day for beginners – we're launching the RL swimsuit line next week, and we're taking all of the promo pictures today. If you're not comfortable with it, I understand, but this is about all we're going to be doing for the next week," I didn't like the idea of bearing that much skin in front of cameras on my first day, but I suppose I would be doing the same thing if I just went to the beach…

"I guess… it's nothing too revealing, is it?" I will absolutely not do anything thong related!

"Oh , darling, no! Remember, Ralf Lauren is a classy agency – we don't throw everything out there, so to speak. No, most of our swimsuits are one-pieces, actually," one piece bathing suits? Jesus, fashion really has sunk since I've been out of the loop… "Granted, they're not anything you'll see a middle aged woman wear, but still. You'll see what I mean," almost on cue, the elevator doors open to show a large, open area with roughly five photography stations set up, each with a different background; all of them were tropical related. No models were being photographed at the moment, but they were all walking around in variously colored robes and speaking to one another. I intentionally looked for any race but Asian – who says piloting needs to be my edge? I'm the only one here with anything but black hair!

"So this is the famous Asuka," a model comes up from the right, instantly greeting me with a feminine handshake. Her hair was, of course, black, but had the twist of a blonde highlight running down the side. She's what I like to refer to as fake beauty; there was nothing special about her face, but even I have to admit that she has quite the body, especially for an Asian girl, "I've heard a lot about you. My name's Naomi – my model name at least," she didn't keep her real name?

"Ah yes, this is who I was telling you about, Asuka. She'll be showing you the ropes. I'll meet up with you when you're ready to shoot, I have other things to be doing at the moment," and with that, before letting me reply, he scurries off to do some unknown task.

"Is this natural?" she takes a finger-pinch full of my hair and looks at it with a raised eyebrow… I'm beginning to hate this girl already. Swatting her hand away with a brush of the back of my hand, I show her that I'm not some weak little girl she can push around. Just because I'm new here doesn't mean I can't stand up for myself!

"Yes, it is. I'm only part Japanese – I'm also German," I spoke with a stern voice, making her raise both eyebrows.

"Jeez! Kyo found himself a feisty one! Listen honey, you don't have to be so defensive. Expect to be judged a lot around here, just get used to it," she turns around and walks towards the opposite side of the room, "Come on, we have to find you an outfit. What cup size are you?" I hate how blunt this woman is…

"Um… thirty-six C," that's another thing I have on my behalf – Asians aren't exactly known for being well endowed, so I definitely have an upper hand in that! "Could we stay away from something that's too revealing? I'm not too comfortable with that just yet," I realize that Kyo and I already spoke about this, but still…

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever," we approach a white door, which opened to reveal a hallway full of other doors. She continued to guide me to the furthest door on the right, which opened to show a dressing room with a rack full of different colored swimsuits, "Let's see what we have here… any preference on color?" I take a breath to respond, but she cuts me off, "Eh, never mind, you'll look good in black. It'll accent your hair and eyes," after a moment of shuffling through the clothes, she pulls out a black outfit on a hangar. It was too bundled up for me to tell what it'll look like on yet, though, "Ah, here we go. Here," she tosses it to me as she began to walk out of the room, "When you get changed, just throw on the robe on the back of the door and come on out."

She left me without letting me get out so much as a word, and honestly, I was a little intimidated. I held up the cloth to try and make some reason about it, and frankly, it only confused me further; there was a metal ring in the middle, which obviously went on the front… how do I even get in this thing? Planning my entry route before taking anything off – I decided that I could just step in through the top – I begin to awkwardly undress in a room without a lock. I intentionally stood in front of the door, so if anyone were to walk in without knocking, I would block the door from swinging open. You think that I'd be more comfortable with this, seeing as there's only women back here, but I'm just intimidated with this whole situation; I mean, she told me that people were going to constantly be judging me. That's not a good thought to have in your head!

When I finally managed to get undressed and into the bathing suit, I took a moment to examine it in the mirror before walking out. There were two shoulder straps, each about an inch wide, that came down over my chest and down into the main suit. They didn't come together until after my navel, creating quite the vision of cleavage, only slightly blocked by the silver circle keeping the two sides from falling apart. It was completely skin tight along my sides, making it feel as if this was fitted specifically for me. It was revealing, yes, but as Kyo promised, it was certainly classier than almost everything else I've seen before. On the other hand, there was no way I'd buy this in a store – it feels as if I were to move wrong, the world would get a show, if I make myself clear enough. I'll need to keep that in mind when he's taking pictures… slightly blushing, I put on the robe and make my way out into the main area, where I saw Kyo at one of the photography stations taking pictures of a station without a model. He instantly noticed me and flagged me over, getting the attention of more than a few of the models.

"So, how'd it go?" I hurry over to him, not wanting the attention I was receiving.

"Fine, but I'm not sure if I'm completely okay with this… I mean, it's a little more than I was expecting, you know?" I admit that I'm usually not as passive as I'm being right now, but this is extremely embarrassing for me!

"Oh, I'm sure it looks great! Let's see it," he waves his hand in the air, signaling me to take off the robe. Sighing and feeling the blood rush to my face, I do as he instructed, throwing the robe onto a nearby chair. I was comforted by the fact that I wasn't the only one without a robe; another model has since started posing across the room in a simple bikini. Subconsciously, I lace my fingers together in front of me, trying to hide what little wasn't covered.

"Not bad, I have to admit," Naomi walks up, still in her robe, and looks at me up and down, "How do you feel? Too much for you yet?" she gave me a sarcastic smile, which only pushed me harder to go through with this. I unlace my hands and stand up straight, not wanting to show any sign of embarrassment.

"I'm completely fine," Kyo holds out his hand towards the setting, which was an imitation beach background with a real beach chair in front, signaling me to take my place, "What… exactly do I do?" I awkwardly stand in front of the chair, completely lost as to what action I should do next.

"Okay, I'll tell you how to pose for today, but you'll eventually have to learn what to do on your own."

The next fifteen minutes was spent following his every demand, and I ended up doing a total of five poses, each with their own set of photos to choose from. The first pose was a simple standing position, where I had my weight on one foot, my hands laced behind my back, and my eyes averted from the camera to a random spot on the ground. He said that this was a typical starting point for a lot of models, as it gives the whole shy girl appeal that comes naturally to first time models… he was right. The second one was of me leaning up against a platform that was rolled into the scene. It was just high enough to where I had my back against it and both arms up on top of it; forearms resting on it with wrists and hands dangling off, the typical comfortable position people on the street take with tables. I wasn't too much of a fan of this one, as I knew exactly what the camera was looking for in this pose, and it made me self conscious. From here, the poses got a little more complicated and much more… let's say difficult to perform wholeheartedly.

The first of these was with me laying down supine on a towel, resting on my elbows and looking at the sky. The next one was by far my favorite, as it finally showed off more of my face than anything; I was still on the towel, only stomach down and actually looking at the lens for once. Finally, and still on the towel, I laid on my side in a seductive pose, arm draped across the curve of my hip and head resting on the other. He kept praising me for such a natural aura about me in front of the camera, but I didn't exactly agree with it… I felt awkward the entire time, especially near the end when other models started watching. I could see them talking between each other, and I was never able to make out a single word of it. I have to admit, by the time I was finished, I was much more comfortable with everything that's gone on – no, I'm still not perfectly fine with it, but I'm sure that'll go away with time… if there is another time. I have no idea how I did…

"Okay, we're done here," Kyo finally leans up from the camera with a smile, "If you want to go get changed, I'll go print out a few proofs for us to look at," I swear, when he has a camera in his hands, he has absolutely no social skill what so ever. He only looked down at the camera as he spoke, never making eye contact. I suppose it always the artsy types that are the weird ones. Without a word from me, I throw on the robe and walk – fairly quickly, I may add – back to my dressing room, almost throwing off the swimsuit as I did. That thing was so damn uncomfortable!

"I better make it in after that escapade…" still blushing and annoyed, I put on my real clothes with a huff. I suppose I was annoyed by the fact that even after all that, he could still choose to not have me around. I mean, it wouldn't be a big deal if I were fully clothed, but not making it in after that would just be irritating. Feeling much more comfortable, I walk back out into the photography area to see Kyo waiting by the door, already looking through a stack of pictures about an inch thick. He took that many?

"Ah, Asuka, great job today! I have to admit, I wasn't expecting you to get used to this so quickly," he moves to my side, allowing me to see the pictures as he flipped through, "I'll admit that some of the beginning ones are just awkward looking, but that's normal, even for veterans. We call those duds. But these last ones are great! I'll be sure to focus on your face more often next time – my favorite set is the last pose," he continued to speak as he flipped through the pictures, leaving only about one second for me to look at each one. Many were essentially the same, but there was always something a little different; a different placement of a hand, some hair out of place, whatever it may be. I hate to sound this conceded, but I love these pictures! They look great!

"So… what of me working here?" he just looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

"Asuka, after today, I want you to be in my prime lineup! Unfortunately, I know that isn't a possibility, as they travel the country, which would take you away from your duties as a pilot. However, you could always be on my top lineup for this city, which is no small feat. You interested?" I finally broke a smile for the day, "I'll take that as a yes," he hands over the pictures and pulls out a fairly large phone, obviously used for scheduling, emails, and the sort, "What would be a good schedule for you? You'll have to work two days a week, three hours a day. You can choose any day outside of Sunday, but I will be choosing your hours."

"It really doesn't matter to me… I guess Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be best, just to spread them out. But what if I end up having responsibilities with NERV?" he looks at me with that same confused expression, "Oh, it's the agency that heads the Evas. They tend to drop things on us last minute," obviously annoyed, he rolls his eyes.

"Okay, okay, I'll make an exception for you. If you miss a day, just come in the following day and work – how's that sound?"

"Yeah, that works great, thanks!" he didn't respond, leaving me feeling a little awkward, "What hours will I be working?"

"Eleven to one," he responded without a beat as he typed unknown information into his cell phone, "So, today's a Saturday… I'll see you in two days then! Feel free to wander around, but you don't have to stay, we're done here," continuing on with his lack of social skills, he wanders off to some other photography station and poses a model.

"Sounds to me like he enjoyed your work," right on cue, Naomi walks up from behind me, "You have some real talent though, I won't lie," she was still I the same robe, giving me the impression that she either is about to model or is just sticking around, "Have fun?"

"Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I'm still not a fan of the outfit today, but it's alright," she gives me that same sarcastic smirk I'm beginning to recognize her by.

"Yeah, you're not the only one. Don't worry though, RL doesn't do much of this – we'll all be back in normal clothes soon enough. Well listen, some of the girls and I are meeting up later on tonight. You up for it?" as much as I would like to, I don't exactly want to be hanging around these girls. They all seem too… well, too much of a bitch, to be quite frank.

"No, I can't, sorry. I have to work tonight," I come up with a half assed lie, "Thanks for the offer though."

"That's fine. We normally go out on the weekends, so they'll be other days. I'll talk to you later, I gotta go get changed for the tenth time," she disappears behind the door, leaving me standing there for a moment before I make my way to the elevator, photographs still in hand. I'm not sure if I want to show these to Shinji… I mean, of course I'm going to tell him about this, but I have no idea how he'd feel about me dressed like that. Come to think of it, I don't even know if he's the jealous type!

Giving the girl at the front desk a glare as I pass by, I get into my car and begin my drive back home. I don't know why, but I think I'm going to cook Shinji and I a good meal tonight… sure, I have no idea how to cook, but live and learn, right? I suppose it's because I'm in a really good mood today – for all I know, I just began a career that'll last for years. I guess I'll tell him over the dinner table tonight… no, forget that, I want to tell him now! He should be home by now – it's already seven at night, and he's been there since the morning. The car in the driveway confirmed my suspicions. As I pulled up, I decided to tell him, and then show him the pictures; he has the right to see what I was doing today. As always, he left the door unlocked, allowing me to immediately enter to see him in his typical position watching television n the sofa.

"Welcome home," his eyes didn't avert from the TV, but he was far from annoyed that I wasn't home, "Where'd you go? Out with Hikari?"

"No, actually, I was offered a job a few weeks ago, and I finally took them up on it… wanna see?" he finally looked at me with a half confused, half happy smile.

"Really now? Good for you! What do you mean 'see'? Did you get a uniform or something?" what, does he think I'm working as a waitress?

"Oh no, nothing like that," I pull out the pictures from behind me and hand them to him as I speak, "I'm a model now!"

"What?" he begins to flip through the pictures, using his thigh as a stand for unseen ones and the table as a pile for old ones. After all, he did only have one arm to work with! He continued to look with eyebrows held high, "Like, a real model? For who?" I could tell by the look on his face that he was enjoying the pictures…

"Ralf Lauren; well, kind of. It's this separate company that models their clothing. I won't always be in stuff like that, so don't get all excited; they're just doing some swimsuit catalog right now," he continued to look through the pictures, still silent, "Well?"

"I'm really happy for you, I'm just a little blown away! Plus, I'm a little surprised you were okay with them taking these," yeah, so am I…

"Well, it took some getting used to, but I was fine. You like them?"

"Let's just say I might want to keep one or two for myself," he lets out a small laugh to tell me he was joking, "But really, I'm glad you got into this. Now, not to break the mood, but this won't be affecting anything with NERV when you come back, will it?" yeah, when will I be coming back anyway? I'm starting to get bored at home all day!

"No, I already told him the situation. I only work Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and if I happen to be at NERV on one of those days, I'll just have to make it up the following day. No big deal… speaking of, when can I come back?" he sets the rest of the unseen pictures on the table and stands up, walking to the kitchen as he did.

"Honestly? I don't know yet. I'm going to have Hikari evaluate you next week and see where we are. I don't mean to be so harsh, but you understand my position," he soon walks out with a glass of water and his pain pills, "Depending on what she says, it could be the next day, the next month, or longer. I just can't say at this point," not really wanting to face him as he told me this, I went into my room to change into comfortable clothing while we spoke.

"Well, yeah, but you said yourself that NERV needs me as a pilot. What if another attack comes and I'm not around?" he took a moment before responding.

"You may still be a great pilot sync percentage wise, but for all I know you're still unstable. If you get in that Eva and lose it in battle, you could be killed. There's a reason I hired a team of psychologists just for the pilots. It's not just you – I kept Toji from piloting a few days after Lust's attack because of how he was," I don't care what he's doing with other people, he should trust me!

"But don't you trust me when I say that I'm okay? I mean sure, I lost it for a second, but I'm over it," I was intentionally getting changed slowly – I didn't want to face it out there. He sure is ruining this day pretty quickly…

"Asuka, you tried to kill me. I'm not holding it against you, but you have to understand the position you put me in. Gendo doesn't want you around period, and almost every staff member is questioning my ability to command by letting you stay. The only way I can make this go smoothly is by keeping you away for awhile, okay?" his voice was beginning to raise in slight anger, but I was far from done talking about this.

"Shinji, I'm sorry, but that's bull and you know it. When we were kids, they couldn't care less how we were feeling, we were piloting so long as we could walk. I mean Jesus, they had me pilot when I went off the deep end! Just tell me the real reason!" I finally walk out dressed in a XXXL t-shirt, my favorite lounging attire.

"I'm not doing this with you right now," he puts his feet up on the coffee table, almost on top of the pictures, and begins to watch television as if I wasn't even there staring at him.

"So you're just going to ignore the problem?" he doesn't say a word, completely ignoring me, "What's new, you've done that since you were a child. You know, you act so high and mighty, always putting other people down, but you need to take a good, long look in the mirror, because you're just as messed up as everyone else!" increasing my anger, he only continues to watch television, "Forget this, I'm going to Hikari's…"

He let me throw a change of clothes, toiletries, and other miscellaneous items into a grocery bag, all without so much as a second look. I can't stand him anymore! The times when he isn't in one of these moods, he's one the best guys I've ever known – but when he gets like this, I just want to… ugh! Leaving the house before I decided to do something once again that I'd regret, I grab my keys and slam the door on my way out, muttering soft curses to myself once I got outside. I really hope Hikari's home right now… I need someone to talk to, even if that someone has made me angry recently…

Why can't he just come out and say it? He doesn't trust me! It has nothing to do with what other people think of him – he's never cared about that! If he doesn't trust me, then why does he beg me to stay with him every time I try to leave? What kind of relationship is that? I hate what he's become! I love the man that's in there most of the time, but other times, I just can't stand it! Who does he think he is, talking down to people like that? He did it to Rei, and now he's doing it to me! I found myself gripping the steering wheel excessively hard as I drove, making my hands ache for a short time.

I arrived at their house within a few minutes and saw a car in the driveway, letting me know that, thankfully, at least one of them was home. A little embarrassed that I stormed out of the house dressed in nothing but a large shirt – covering everything, but still not socially acceptable – I rang the doorbell and prayed for Hikari. Toji is the last person I need to see me right now… fortunately, my prayers were answered.

"Asuka, what are you doing here? And what are you…" she looked at me up and down with wide eyes.

"Can… I spend the night?" I spoke with a pleading tone – I was far from crying, but I was extremely upset at the constant fights we've been having.

"Yeah, of course," she stepped aside and opened the door for me, "What happened?" I walk into the warm home, dropping my bag by the door as she closed it.

"Shinji and I had another fight…" I sit on the sofa, and she immediately does the same right next to me, "We've done nothing but fight ever since I started living with him… it's always something with him!" ugh, I didn't come here to vent… I guess that's what it's turning into.

"What was it about?" this is partially her fault, so I have to conceal my anger towards her as well.

"He won't tell me anything that's going on with my position at NERV. I realize that you told him how I was mentally, and I understand that part of it, but-" she cut me off with a held up hand.

"Wait, what? I haven't even submitted my evaluation of you yet. I just finished it today; I was going to give it to him tomorrow. You're perfectly fine Asuka, just stressed out. What did he tell you?" she seemed partially annoyed at the situation before, but now she apparently had a personal reason to be angry. He made all of that up? So he really doesn't want me around…

"He… told me that you said I was too unstable to pilot… that you went as far as to recommend that I live in another house, which I did for a few days," she shakes her head in confusion.

"Hold on, hold on, what exactly went on after I spoke to you that day? What house?" I could tell she was genuinely confused, which reassured me I came to the right place.

"When I left the hospital, I went home to find Shinji and his father waiting for me. They said you claimed I was too unstable to pilot, and they were going to send me to live in some apartment complex. I tried to leave, to cool off, and Shinji… made some remarks that sent me over the edge. I came close to killing him – that's what those bruises on his neck are, I tried to strangle him," her eyes slowly got wider and wider as I went on, "He also said that everyone at NERV knows what happened…" I lost the pathetic girl tone in my voice and replaced it with a firmer one.

"I can assure you no one knows about that at NERV – there has been talk about you, I'll be honest about that. Someone leaked out that you were… well, I don't have to go into detail, but that's it. He told me that the bruises were from Lust, and they only appeared recently – which makes sense, since some bruises take awhile to appear… I can't believe he used my name to lie like that! Especially when he knows damn well I'm writing up his evaluation right now!" he gets these done too? I just sort of assumed he made himself exempt from it all…

"How is he?" she closed her eyes and rubbed the bridge of her nose with a thumb and index finger.

"I really shouldn't be telling you this… you have to promise not to tell anyone, and more testing needs to be done on him, so don't go spreading this around like it's fact. However, based on this, past actions, and evaluations from throughout the years, I strongly believe that he has bipolar disorder. Looking back, he showed strong signs of it as a child, and it's only getting worse with age," he has bipolar disorder? Seriously? How was this not caught earlier? No wonder we've been having fights constantly!

"Really? What are you going to do about it?" she lets out a long sigh.

"I've kept this under wraps this long because of what will have to be done, but it's just getting too bad. Gendo will have to take full command of NERV again – there's no way our investors would pay to have a man like him in charge," he'll be fired? I'm sure he'll still be piloting, but Jesus… he'll be devastated, "Okay, look, before we do all of that, you can help if you want to."

"Absolutely, I want to help him with this," my anger has turned into sympathy within a few seconds, and now I just feel bad for him. I mean sure, I may have a sketchy past, but at least my mind is – more or less – fine.

"Here's what you're going to do; I'm going to give you some medication for what he could have, and you're going to slip it in food or something. It doesn't matter, you just have to make sure he takes the entire thing. If he changes, then that means I'll have to submit my report of him. If not… then I guess I'll just have to counsel him on this, because he's far from normal, even without the disorder. You think you could do that?"

"How do you expect me to make him take the pill? I think he'll notice that in his food," he's not exactly a stupid man, after all.

"You can grind it up and put it in his coffee. He comes to work every day with a mug of coffee – just be sure to put it in before he wakes up. It could be in soup, cereal, soda – it doesn't matter, so long as he ingests the full dosage, understand?" I simply nod, more than a little uncomfortable with being forced to drug him, "And not a word of this to Toji or anyone else. Keep this secret until we know for sure," a moment of silence over fell, both of us concerned with our own dilemmas. She was annoyed that he took her name in vain, I was annoyed and sympathetic for him, and we were both confused as to what we should do next.

Is he really worth all of this?

A/N – I'm taking a break from the whole Deviant thing for a short while to develop the background to characters better. You all understand Asuka perfectly, but the others many of you are left in the dark about – which is why I have started this change. It won't be forever, and there will certainly be other conflicts involved, but this will be the central theme. Like it? Loathe it? How do you feel? Check out the next chapter, Tesla's Allegory; until then, keep on keepin' on!

A/A/N – Jeez you guys, I didn't realize there were that many readers willing to review. I really appreciate some of the input you give, and I will definitely take it to heart as I write. Many of you pointed out some good points that I will be working on. In fact, it was KiaserKoh's review that made me take this step. I've had the bipolar thing in mind for awhile now, but he did bring up the valid point of Shinji being just too messed up for this to wait. Furthermore, if I ever have to wait a day or two after I get the five reviews, I'm sorry – I'm just not sure if I can keep up with that! I'll definitely try my hardest though.


	16. Tesla's Allegory

Chapter 16: Tesla's Allegory

A/N – Well, you guys didn't meet up with the five reviews thing, but it's been too long – I'm posting. I'm giving you a break because it was spring break and all, so many of you were out of town, but don't expect this again. I'm not one to go back on what I've said… I'm currently writing chapter 21, so you guys have some catching up to do.

"Hail Mary, full of grace, our Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen," rosary in hand, I stare into the back of my eyelids as I round the corner on the opposite end of the cross. Sacrilegiously, I tend to finish at this point, as I do not consider myself a full Catholic. I do, however, feel that I am more than religious enough to complete this half-circle at least twice a week in the morning. I am the only person who knows of this ritual, and I tend to keep it this way; I don't want others to know of my practices.

Hikari and I finally went to bed at around nine at night when Toji came home with Yui from the park. I barely spoke to him, knowing that I was imposing on him and his wife's home and life. I felt bad, but I knew that this was going to be for a single night. I ended up sleeping in a guest room with more than uncomfortable sheets and an odd smelling pillow… I suppose it's only odd to me. I can't even begin to complain – they both opened up their home to me, and I'm extremely grateful of that.

And here I lay, five thirty in the morning and alone. They are both still asleep, as is the child one room over. I fell asleep just fine, but I ended up waking myself in a bad dream that I can't quite remember all the details of. As I commonly do, I saw my mother's face in this dream, but she was far from alone… or, at least, she wasn't some doll that only stared at me as she normally does. She was mocking me. Mocking me that I would never share the same happiness that all mothers do. Mocking me that I would never make any fruitful man happy. Mocking me that I would never be happy…

This was the first time I have shed a tear on the subject of my infertility. A single one, though it may be, it is still symbolic of what has happened to me over the years. That same tear, which fell on the pillow not ten minutes ago, has long since dried into nothing, but the thought still remains strong in my mind that I will never be able to pass this action on. I'm not trying to fool myself into believing that adopting is the same as carrying a child for nearly a year and presenting it to the world – I am completely aware of this. I may not want one now, but I certainly want one in the future… one with my hair, its father's eyes, both of our caring…

What scared me is that I couldn't define its father. It's not that I don't see myself with Shinji years from now; I just don't see him period years from now. He's so drastically different from what he was when we were children, who's to say he won't be different five more years from now? I just don't understand how a man can change so much in a short period of time… he's nothing like the person I originally fell in love with, and while this new man is still amazing, he certainly has his dark side. What am I to do with this? Are relationships nothing more than settling for what is presented to you at that moment in time? If they aren't, who's to say that there isn't a better person for you out in the world somewhere?

This, in essence, is where I see the flaw of relationships. The only way to truly know if a certain person is right for you is to meet every single living person in current existence, which is simply impossible. Therefore, the only other logical explanation for why people apparently love each other is the evolution of the acceptable, not the evolution of the perfect. It is simply a logical fallacy to claim to pour your heart and soul into a single person without having a shred of doubt in the back of your mind that there just may be something better for you out there in the world, unrestricted by the ball and chain people call the heartache of a relationship. There is no truth when a person claims to love another; they are only saying what they know they should, and frankly must, in order to keep their significant other. Those three words mean nothing more than that they are settling for what they found and have, in essence, given up on looking, for they are nauseas and disgusted with being alone, even when in the arms of another.

Those same arms also hold a dagger behind the back of the person in them. This is a mutual relationship; two daggers, two people, two sets of emotions just as conflicting as the other. This dagger is always drawn back, ready to sever the ties between the two apparent lovers, for, once again, there is always something better in the world than what one has, and when this being presents his or herself, they will be sought after like the cure to the plague, being loneliness. This, too, will result in the drawing of a dagger, for humans are overly greedy and fickle beings. I often compare them to Venus fly traps, in the sense that they can barely wait for the being they already have to satisfy them before opening their jaws in wait for another, more satisfying experience. Personally, I find this endless cycle quite sad, as it never ends in true happiness. If a married couple died in each other's arms, they both realize, in the back of their minds, that they could have possibly done more with their lives if it not for the succubus next to them.

These emotional inward and outward turns resemble that of a Tesla Coil, never truly finding an end to the answer that didn't have a question in the first place. They only do this because they must, both socially and mentally, in order to survive. Without these actions, the initial person is left generally unharmed in the beginning, but as their volt of uncaring travels from person to person, it will eventually reach the originator's heart once again, creating a short circuit that will kill all those around. It truly is saddening how much humans rely on one another; not even the most sociable of animals would die without others around, and yet here humans are, living out their lives as if nothing in the world was the matter. They will continue to flourish, and so long as they do, they will continue burn and destroy everything they hold dear, claiming all the while that they had no part in it as they hold the matchbox.

As unfortunate as this view is, it must simply be accepted that these so-called loving relationships are nothing more than vessels for sex and an escape from loneliness, exactly in that order. There is a strong reason as to why sex is at the very bottom of Maslow's list, along with breathing, food, and water. It is because sex is an extremely primal urge, one that simply must be fulfilled in order to progress past anything short of a monkey. It should be noted that absolutely nowhere on this list does it claim relationships on an emotional, loving level are needed. They are only used as a temporary cure for loneliness, one that will eventually rot just as all other aspects of life do. This is not a downward spiral into madness once one realizes this; it is only a step toward accepting what is rightfully true in this universe, or at the very least this planet.

The only creature capable of truly loving another is one that defines love as what it is; a strong, emotional connection to a person that is not bounded by any factor, including current status with other lovers. Do I believe in love? There is no question to this, it is a very true emotion hat rings through the ears of any person living outside of a cave. However, love simply cannot be bounded to a single person, for no person can fulfill all the desires of the original entity. There is always something missing, something flawed in the lover that causes the one loving to be turned off in some fashion. This is why more than one lover is needed to completely satisfy a person psychologically.

More evidence of mankind's fickleness.

I often pity myself for thinking this way, as I know full well that it is simply not acceptable socially speaking. But where was I when these rules were written? Why should I have to conform to them if I don't agree to them? However, in a certain sense, I suppose that I am following them if I care about Shinji the way I claim to. I would never have more than one man in my life at the same time, so who am I to be mentally preaching the way I do? I hate being inside my own mind…

Grunting in both frustration and a bad case of morning aching, I force myself out of bed to at least stretch out my still sleeping muscles. The room was lit by the barely rising sun, giving it an orange-red tinge that I've grown so fond of during my life. I soon found myself standing at the window, watching the nearly dead street. Not a single sign was evident of life; no people, no cars, not even so much as a rustling of the trees – it was all completely still, and it was quiet enough to hear myself breathing. These small moments are the ones I treasure; the ones where I'm not thinking, moving, or even acknowledging the presence of my own existence.

These, however, are usually short lived.

"You're worried about Shinji," I jump slightly at Hikari's voice behind me. I turn to see her in the outfit I originally saw her in when I came here; a set of blue pajama pants and a button of pajama shirt. Bringing my now pounding heart under control, I turn back to my gaze out the window.

"No, just thinking… ever wish you could go back to a certain time? For me, I want to go back to when I first came here, and just live those years over and over again. Sure, I wasn't happy the entire time – in fact, for a good part of it, I was miserable – but I enjoyed it as a whole… what about you?" she stayed where she was, not moving a muscle – at least to my knowledge.

"I don't tend to think about that kind of thing… I like my life right now, and I wouldn't change a thing about it. I have a caring husband and a child of my own; I couldn't ask for more," gee, thanks for that Hikari, as if I wasn't down in the slums enough as it is…

"Well, I'm beginning to accept that I can't have either one of those things," a long pause covered the room, leaving her in a state of awkwardness and leaving me in a state of wanting to simply be alone. I finally chose to break it, "I might be going home soon, do you want to give me the pills?"

"Yeah, sure, I'll go get them," finally happy with an excuse to get out of the room, she hurried out. What's odd to me is that this isn't the first time I've come here when I needed help emotionally – I didn't get it the first time, so why was I expecting anything different the second time? I mean sure, it was great staying here, but I should have gone with my first instinct and headed over to Rei's; at least she would have left me alone. Though, I suppose, she is trying to help me indirectly by helping Shinji… I just wish someone would do something purely for me, just once.

"You better be worth all this Shinji…" I'm beginning to think he isn't. Not even close.

"Here, I found them. I took off the label, so if he accidentally finds them, you can just say they're your estrogen pills," I finally turn to her and take hold of the plain orange bottle, which was essentially going to determine my future with the man I'm living with, "Remember what you have to do?"

"I'm not stupid, I know what to do. Thanks for the help, and for letting me stay here, but I really should be going. I have to get this in his drink before he wakes up," I tried to speak as little as possible as I grabbed the bag of items I ended up not even opening. The drive back home was an extremely lonely one, as I knew I was just driving to a house full of nothingness, regardless of the fact that an apparent loved one is residing there. I made the coffee, dissolved the pill in the near boiling liquid, and crawled into bed, praying that he wouldn't notice anything. I hid the bottle between the box spring and the mattress of my bed, so I knew he wouldn't find it – he will, however, see something off when a pot of coffee is up and waiting for him. Hopefully I can get some decent sleep this time around… I need to work tomorrow…

Luckily for me, I got just that – an amazing sleep. I didn't wake up a single time, and I slept a good, hard three hours. More than a nap, but less than a full night's sleep; still more than good enough for me. It was about nine when I woke up, and the first thing I noticed was my now-open door. I specifically remember closing it before, so that tells me he knows I'm home. With any luck, he decided to stay home and still drink the coffee… now that the heat of the situation is over; I really want to talk to him. Yes, I still feel he I completely in the wrong, but I don't like it when these things are hanging over our heads.

I hear my back crack as I get out of bed and walk towards his room, where I immediately saw a typical messed up bed. Damn… he's at work… not like it matters I suppose, he'll be home later. Eyes still half closed, I wander into the bathroom and begin the lazy morning ritual of brushing teeth and combing hair. During that time, I went back to what I was thinking over at Hikari's when I woke up.

While I've always thought those things, when that came to light in my own mind… it scared me a little bit. Putting all of those pieces together to form a solid, concrete opinion definitely helped me understand why I feel the way I do about not only Shinji, but all men, and I'm slightly glad for that… on the other hand, it also made me realize that I can't be truly happy with a person so long as I'm with them. Nothing much can be done about this, and as I said myself, all I can do is find the evolution of the good enough.

I walk out of the bathroom to see the back of Shinji's head as he sat on the sofa… how did I miss that?! Thank God I wasn't talking out loud to myself! The television isn't on though… is he asleep?

"Shinji?" it was barely above a whisper – something only a conscious person could hear.

"You know Asuka, I've always had trouble defining this word, and my being with Rei only further confused that, but I must say, I think I love you. After all, why else would I go through what I've experienced just to be by your side?" well that turned from romantic into sadistic real fast, "However, sometimes I do feel like you don't give me enough credit," with shaking legs, I walk over to the sofa and take a seat next to him, for some reason wanting to be close. His face had an extremely faint smile, "Next time you want to slip me something, make sure it completely dissolved. That way I don't have to worry that it's poison or something like that," my heart sank to my knees when he said that. How could I mess that up? It was so easy! "So, what was it?" he finally looks at me with that same smile.

"You've… just been so angry lately. I was beginning to worry about you."

"What was it?"

"Ever since we met up again, all you've done is lost your temper. I'm not saying don't either, but I've always been like this. You used to be such a nice person…" he averted his eyes from me and to the television, completely turning his head to do so.

"Have you ever stopped to think that I was just fine before you came back?" originally, yes, but Hikari said he's been like this for years! "You just make me so angry sometimes," he smiles once again as he shakes his head, "I mean, you're just constantly trying to push away people that care for you… but, I guess that's how you've always been, and I can't expect you to change that," a moment of silence before he once again looks at me, "What did you try to give me?" I'm not sure how he did it, but he managed to turn the tables and make me feel like the bad guy here!

"It was medication… for bipolar disorder…" he rolls his eyes in annoyance, "Well what did you want me to do? I was getting sick and tired of fighting with you all of the time!"

"Ever tried talking to me? I'll admit that I'm not the best of people to be around when I'm stressed, I realize that, but why not just try and talk to me? Some of my choices recently haven't been the best ones, I know that, but haven't you noticed that they're all because of your stubbornness? I mean Jesus, just go with what others tell you for once!" he wasn't angry, but he was certainly annoyed. He takes a deep breath and a hold of my hand at the same time, "Listen, I know that I can be a paint to be around when I'm like that, but sometimes I just need my space. I'm not trying to make some half assed excuse here, but all of the times that I've gotten angry these last few days were because of you not just following what I say. The apartment thing was a ruse to get Gendo off my back about how you are, but then you go and tell him you were pregnant. Last night I was trying to explain to you why you can't come back yet, but no, you won' t have that," part of me wanted to bring up the fact that he's lied to me, but I didn't want to get Hikari in trouble.

"Okay, I can see that… sort of…" I honestly can, that wasn't just some farce. However, I'm not the only one here! Even he said I'm not the only problem! "I really hate this, Shinji…" what are we supposed to do? He's completely right, and that's the problem – we both have issues that conflict with each other, so how can we solve that? God, I can't even stand the feeling of his touch right now… trying to be as subtle about it as possible, I take my hand away from his.

"You don't want to be together, do you?" feeling more than a little depressed, I shake my head, "Yeah, I'm beginning to think the same thing… at least not until we work out a few things by ourselves," who is he kidding? If we break up now, there's no going back. I won't go back to him, and I doubt he'll go back to me – the only reason I wouldn't go back is because I'm too stubborn to change my mind about something like that.

"I don't think I can live here, I can't handle the conflict," I remained seated, but wanted to get out of there immediately.

"The apartment is still there for you if you want it. I suppose I could get you a house, but that'll take some time…" I stand up and walk to my room, looking around at the things I have to bring as I reach between the mattresses.

"It's fine, I don't need much," I wonder if Rei gets a paycheck… if she does, we could split the cost of a better apartment or even a condominium, "Here," I throw the pills onto his lap and stare down at him with no particular emotion, "They're there if you want to ever try them. I appreciate the help you've given me, don't think that I don't, but I just can't do this… is the apartment still open right now?" he continues to stare at the pills as he nodded, "Then I'll just go pack my things and head out."

The next hour was spent gathering all my clothes into the luggage bags that were still on my floor from when I was last at the apartment, all of my cosmetic supplies – hair dryer, body wash, that sort of thing – and any other things I may have lying around. In my searching, I came across a familiar piece of paper shoved in the corner of the closet, completely forgotten about… maybe I'll give him a call later.

I got changed into a pair of sweat pants, leaving on the large shirt – once again, while it was covering, it wasn't exactly covering enough. I had three luggage bags of clothes and one smaller one for all of my toiletries, so I ended up having to make two trips to the car – which, I may add, I was surprised could hold that much. Sure, the back seat and the trunk were both full, but it definitely fit. On my last trip out, I muttered a 'thanks' directed at him, but he never acknowledged me. I realize that he's probably getting tired of fighting for me, but I really hope he realized that this time, it's permanent. I'm better than that; I deserve a man who will treat me better than he does.

The drive was an extremely lonely one – just like when I was younger, I once again truly felt completely alone. I didn't particularly like that feeling, but at the same time, it was comforting to know that I'm finally getting away from that emotionally abusive relationship. Yes, I realize that it could have been bounds worse, but I still didn't like the idea of him having that much control over me.

When I finally pulled up to the complex, I immediately noticed a young boy – no older than fifteen or sixteen – leaving the area. After a moment of looking around, I catch the door of a familiar young girl closing. I smiled, knowing that she's going down the exact same path that I did with Shinji; she thinks she found everything she wants in a person on her first try, and, by looking at the time, they're certainly doing something they shouldn't. Whether or not it's as far as two people can go is up in the air, but there are certainly other things that couples could do. She's ready to pour her heart into this guy, and I can assure her that he isn't as crazy about her as she is about him. No guy ever is at that age. Leaving the car running, I pull up to her door and get out, fully intent on at least knocking a little bit of sense into her before she does something she'll regret. The doorbell barely finished ringing before she answered it.

"Miss So-… Asuka? What are you doing here?" by the color of her cheeks, she knew that I saw. She was dressed in an outfit fairly similar to mine, but with a much more fitting shirt.

"Come on, we're going to take a ride," I begin to walk back to the car. When I reach the door and I realize she hasn't begun to follow yet, I turn around, "Don't worry, you're not in trouble. Not like I'm your mother or anything. I just want to talk to you," obviously apprehensively, she closed and locked the door with the key from her pocket.

"He was just-" she began to talk as she walked around the car towards the passenger's side, but I didn't want to hear any excuses.

"I don't care what you two were doing… but, by the way, you should know by now that I'm not stupid. Couples don't meet up this early in the morning for no reason at all," we both get into the car as I begin to drive to nowhere in particular, "You're both fourteen, I get it, it's no big deal, but I just think you need someone to talk to you before you go and make a rash decision."

"Yes ma'am," ugh, I hate that word!

"One, don't call me that, it makes me sound old; and two, have you ever heard of Tesla's Allegory?"

A/N – Yay for learning experiences! But really, sorry at how much this chapter seemed like a rant on relationships, but remember, we are in the mind of Asuka. We are certainly not done examining Shinji as a person, and the other characters will eventually have their turns. I think that there's going to be about one and a half more chapters at this pace – real calm, and focused on the psyche of the characters. Then back to the original plot and angst! However, I don't know, we'll just have to see. Check out the next chapter, Staccato or Legato; until then, keep on keepin' on!


	17. Staccato or Legato

Chapter 17: Staccato or Legato

After a seemingly endless day of constant outfit changes, I was finally getting back to the apartment that I will hope to start seeing as home pretty soon. Today was a little more interesting at the modeling agency; instead of just sticking to a single outfit and pose, I got to change roughly three times in the four hours that I was there. However, it did start off on a fairly bad note; Kyo gave me the wrong hours initially, claiming that he misspoke. Instead of eleven to one, my hours are actually eleven to three – now, this isn't exactly a big deal to me, but it still bugged me to say the least. Regardless, I still enjoyed myself quite a bit, and I'm starting to get used to this whole idea of being in front of a camera. The outfits today consisted of two swimsuits and simple beach attire not meant to get wet, which is still beyond me…

Forcing a personal promise upon myself, I intentionally taped the piece of paper I found while moving to the bathroom door, where I know it would be one of the first things I saw. I've been dreading this moment all day, but it is because of this that I have planned out exactly what I'm going to say. Initially, I'm going to apologize for never giving him a call back, and secondly, I'm going to say that we should start over and actually build a relationship because, frankly, he seems like a guy that could grow on me. I smile as I unfolded it for the first time, remembering how I drew a small heart on the paper after the phone number. I suppose this is one aspect that the old Rei helped me out on quite a bit!

I felt my heart sink as I finished dialing the number on the old phone that came with the apartment, and I wanted nothing more than to hang up the instant his voice came across the line.

"Jun here," he spoke with a confidence that I simply wasn't used to.

"Hey, Jun, it's Asuka," he immediately chimed in with a positive tone, letting me know I didn't mess this up to bad.

"Asuka! I was wondering what happened to you! Where have you been?"

"I just got sucked up into my work, sorry for not calling you back earlier. You're not mad, are you?" since when did I become so passive?

"Oh, don't worry about it, I know how that is. Speaking of, I'm actually driving home from work right now. I hate to sound so blunt, but do you want to go grab a bite to eat or something? We need to catch up!" before this went too far, I needed to clear something up right now.

"Yeah, definitely, but I want to start new, is that alright? I'm not the kind of girl to have one night stands like that, but you're a really great guy. Blank slate?" I hear him laugh on the other line.

"Yeah, sure, I definitely agree. Where do you live?" since I didn't really know directions, I had to guide him using landmarks. Roughly a minute or two later, he got himself situated and found out where I was, "Oh, you live closer to me than I thought. I should be there in about half an hour."

"Okay, that's fine, but I need to jump in the shower and get myself ready. I'm in apartment twelve; just come in if I don't answer, the door will be unlocked," I'll be sure to be at least done showering when he gets here, but I doubt I'll be completely ready in only half an hour. After all, they prep me up so much at the agency that I need to take off all of the hair product, makeup, and other miscellaneous crap they put on me.

"Great, I'll see you then," feeling more than a little giddy, I hang up the phone and dash to the shower after grabbing an acceptable outfit of a semi-low cut, black, short dress. It wasn't too dressy for late lunch – or early dinner – but was certainly high enough to show him that I was trying to look good for him. When I stepped into the shower, I began to feel a little bad that I'm jumping right from one relationship to another. I mean, I realize just how bad this would make me look if it got out, but I didn't see what Shinji and I had as a relationship – more of a sitcom than anything else. Jun is better than that… hopefully he'll treat me better. All of the glitz and glamour took longer than I thought to wash off, leaving just barely stepping out of the shower as I heard a knocking at the door.

"Yeah, come in, I'm still getting ready," damn it, I didn't want him around yet! "Just wait in the living room, make yourself at home," the door opens and I hear him walk in.

"Sorry for getting here so early, I found an easier way than what you were telling me. Take your time," even though he said that, I found myself rushing to dry off and get dressed as quickly as possible. I'd usually let my hair air dry, as it gives it a much more natural look, but I was forced to use a blow drier in this instance. Within fifteen minutes of him walking in, I was finally exiting the bathroom to see him reading a small book on the sofa. He looks up at me and smiles after looking at me up and down.

"Wow, aren't you looking nice," as it turns out, it's a good thing that I decided to dress up a little – he was in a tie, dress shirt, and black slacks.

"I could say the same for you," he's since grown his hair out a little more, showing me that he has wavy hair. He wore it in a slicked back fashion, but not like the kind you see on car salesmen; much more laid back than that. He stands up and slides the book in his pocket, "So, where are you taking me on this… date?" he gives me a sly smile as he opens the front door, letting me walk through.

"Glad you see this as what I thought it was. We're going to an upper class steak house, if that's alright with you," fancy! "Sound good?"

"Yeah, that sounds great. Growing out your hair, I see… I like," we get into his car – which, by the way, was different than last time. He has since bought one of those half sports car, half sedan types. I must admit, this made quite the impression on me.

"Heh, yeah, that's not the only thing that's changed, as you can tell. I got a promotion at the office, which also came with a huge pay increase. I moved out from my brother's place, got a standalone house, and got this. What about you? What's been happening since the last time we met?" impressive… I may have just landed a decent guy for once!

"Just been working at NERV, you know, same old same old. I did get another job though; remember how you said I could be a model? Well, I'm doing just that now!" his smile told me that he wasn't surprised, which was a compliment in itself.

"That's great! Glad you finally found something you're, apparently, happy with. I was a little worried that I wasn't going to hear from you again," I was a little ashamed that I didn't call him back, but hey, at least we're here.

"Yeah, sorry about that again. But listen, we're here now, right?" he only gives a confident nod, "So, tell me, what is it that you actually do at your work?" I tried changing the subject as quickly as possible.

"Well, it's a little complex. I head a team that is designing software that will, if we got our math right, make information transfer across the internet roughly five times as fast. This was the child project of a team before me, and we're not even close to finishing, but hey, it's there. Personally, I'm coding the bit of the software that makes all of the other components work together – sort of like the motherboard in a computer," damn, this guy is smart… "The bad part about this line of work is that when we finish a project, we're out a job. I'll most likely be fine because of my credentials, but my team mates, not so much. But enough about me, what is it that you do at… NERV, is it?"

"Lately? Nothing really… I was put on probation for disobeying an order from my commander. He expected me to take shelter while the rest of the staff was held by… ah hell, I really can't be telling you this," I cut myself off mid-sentence, realizing that I'm not talking to any friends from NERV.

"Who am I going to tell that will even believe me? I'll keep my mouth shut, promise," he joking held up a boy's scout salute.

"Fine, fine. You remember the Angels, right? Well, those were sent from Heaven – now we have to deal with what are called Deviants, which are essentially sent from Hell. Remember the random blackouts that people had a few months back? Well, the media said it was because of a chemical leak, but it was actually a Deviant attacking," he finally started to look surprised, "Each of the Deviants represents one of the seven deadly sins; that one was an exception, being Limbo. The latest one was Lust, which was… quite brutal. I was the only pilot to go against it, and I was almost killed. It tore me apart, and ended up entering my body… it just disappeared from there, we don't know what happened," his eyes were wide as he kept them on the road.

"Seriously? Jesus… well, at least it's only a machine that you're piloting, not like it can't be fixed. Did it hurt you when it came inside?" apparently he doesn't know the specifics of piloting…

"Everything hurt!" I say that in a joking manner, "See, whatever happens to the Eva, I can feel. If it gets a broken arm, I feel it, for example. It doesn't actually happen, but my nerves are essentially connected to the Eva's. Lust ended up ripping off an arm, mutilating the other, tearing off the jaw, and eventually beginning to actually eat my Eva… it wasn't very pleasant, to say the least," he finally looks over at me, even more surprised than before. How is it that the news didn't say this when the Angels were around?

"Oh my God! That's crazy! Are you alright?" he returns his eyes to the road.

"Well, remember, I don't actually get hurt, I just feel it. I'm fine, it's really no big deal. But listen, can we talk about something else? I'm not very fond of NERV right now, and I'd rather not dwell on it."

"Oh, sorry. Yeah, no problem. So tell me, what exactly do you like in a guy?" so, we're having this typical date conversation? Fine then, I can play along.

"Well, more than anything, I need confidence. As you know, I'm an extremely forward person, and I need someone to stand up to me," but still let me have my way! "I also like the real tender, nice attitude when needed. I mean, my ideal date isn't to some expensive restaurant or wine party – no, I'd much rather just sit on the sofa watching some television, eating pizza with the man I care about. A good sense of humor never hurt either," contrary to popular belief, I am far from high maintenance.

"Hm… I'll keep that in mind then…" he smirks just slightly.

"What about you?" he took a moment before responding.

"I definitely need a strong woman. She needs to not care what others think of her, you know? I want a girl that has nothing to hide, but wants to anyway," well then, the latter part wasn't me at all… "I'm not exactly fond of big secrets either. Like, for instance, I don't expect you to pour your life into my lap tonight, but if we were to go the distance, I certainly don't want anything hidden," note to self; never talk about long term relationships on a first date. It's a real turn-off…

"Yeah, I'm the same way," sure, I was planning on telling him about my past eventually, but him bringing it up like that only brought my feelings to the surface, "Now, what about physically?" I intentionally re-cross my legs as I spoke in a semi-seductive manner.

"Let's see here…" he holds up a hand, ready to count off, "Long legs, a great bust, red hair, and blue eyes I could get lost in," he glances over at me with that same smile.

"Good answer…"

The rest of the night was spent at the steak house. I haven't had steak in so long that I didn't even know what to order, so he ended up making my order for me. I received a mild mocking for wanting mine cooked all the way through, but I just can't stand the taste of blood… unlike him, who ordered it rare, and I'm fairly certain it was still moving when it reached the table. Jesus that was disgusting… we finished eating in only about an hour, but we stayed there for at least three, just talking to one another like we were lifelong friends. Mild flirting did occur, certainly, but I made it a point not to go too far. I want this to be a real relationship, not one based on features that were 'good enough' for the time being like how Shinji and I were. I was connecting with Jun in a way that I didn't think was possible, as corny as that may sound. He just understood me; he got all my jokes, he had the same opinions as me, and above all, I could tell that he truly cared for me. I was so stupid for not calling this man earlier…

They eventually simply asked us to leave, as the restaurant was closing. We left there at around nine or nine thirty, but neither one of us wanted to end this date. It was because of this that I broke one of my own rules set while in the shower and decided to go home with him, just to watch a little television and talk more. His home was in desperate need of a woman's touch; nothing but the necessities was around. Sure, a few pictures of what I assumed to be family members were on the walls, but for the most part, absolutely no personality was inserted into this home. It was much too unwelcoming… I'll be sure to change that later.

He ended up putting on some old movie while we sat in the dark living room n the sofa, my head on his shoulder, his arm around my shoulders, and our fingers laced together. I could so easily fall asleep right now… I love being here… in fact, I may have actually fallen asleep for a few minutes, I can't quite remember. I kept my promise that we wouldn't have any sort of sexual relations, but that's not to say we didn't share a brief moment of kissing and playful exploration. He finally drove me home at roughly midnight, after what was easily the best date of my life. He said that I was welcome to come over any time after seven on the weekdays, and any time at all on the weekends – I am definitely going to hold him to that. I simply couldn't stop smiling the entire time I was getting changed into the typical large t-shirt I wear around the house. I think I finally found a person that Is not only willing to make me happy, but someone that I could return the favor to.

Just as I was walking into my room to retire for the night, the doorbell rang, initially making me think that Jun had come back for some reason. After looking through the window, I saw Rei in her school uniform standing, holding a large manila folder. I opened the door, expecting something to once again be wrong with Rei.

"Asuka, I've been waiting up for you," she holds out the folder, "Dr. Akagi wanted me to give this to you," why is she always their messenger girl?

"Thanks, sorry for the wait," I grab the folder from her and begin to open it.

"Where have you been?" where did that come from? She's normally much more passive with her questions…

"Well, Rei, between you and me, I was on a date – which, by the way, was amazing. Why do you ask?" she glanced into the living room and saw the dress on the sofa.

"I'm… not interrupting anything, am I?" hasn't she become the nosey little brat!

"Rei, it was a first date, you don't do that on a first date. No, I just didn't feel like putting it away… do you need anything else?" who even gave her 'the talk' in the first place? How does she know these things? I suppose it doesn't matter, I'm just getting a little annoyed at this point.

"No, sorry to bother you," she began to walk away after saying that in an almost pathetic tone, leaving me standing there feeling like the rudest person on the face of the earth.

"Hey Rei," she stops and turns to face me once again, "Do you have school tomorrow?" she just shakes her head. I didn't really care why they wouldn't have school on a Tuesday, "You want to come in?" I see her smile just slightly.

"Thank you," I don't even know what I was doing, but I felt like I had to make it up to her after how I just acted. She came in and sat on the sofa after I instructed her to, "Did you need to tell me something?"

"No, just wondered if you wanted to talk. When I was your age and working for NERV, I could have used a person to talk to, so I'm trying to pass that on," I walk to the kitchen to grab a couple drinks, "What do you want? I have water, soda, beer, and milk."

"You do realize I am fourteen, correct?" I hear her almost sarcastic tone from the other room, making me smirk just slightly. I suppose I really have turned into Misato…

"I'm not your mother, I don't care if you have a drink. What, you want to try a beer?" she didn't respond, giving me the answer I needed. I opted to go with a bottle of water, but I popped open the bottle for her and handed it over, noticing her blushing just slightly, "You're a kid, live it up while you can," I plop down onto the chair, staring up at the ceiling with a smile, "So, how are you and… Jake, is it?"

"Yes, and we're okay. I'm still unsure of how to handle this, though," what is there to handle? You're the woman – you control everything!

"Handle what, exactly?"

"Just being in a relationship. I am… unsure of how to act sometimes," she took an extremely small sip of the fluid, making her eyebrows twitch just slightly.

"Eh, that's normal. This is your first time having a boyfriend, after all. Now, you told me you two haven't done anything yet, which I don't believe for a second. Why don't you just come out and say it so I can give you good advice?" I see her blush once again, only further confirming my suspicions.

"I can assure you that we have not slept together," as if I didn't know that. If she lost her virginity already, she'd be glowing.

"So? There are plenty of other things to do," I see her sarcastically raise her eyebrows, most likely on accident, "Okay, well, I guess you don't have to tell me, but try not to confuse love with sex, okay? I made that mistake, and let me tell you, it wasn't fun," she took another sip of the beer, telling me she was done with this conversation, "How's school been treating you? Any complaints?"

"Not really, I actually enjoy it. It can get boring at times though," my school experience was nearly the polar opposite of that; I hated it and it was constantly boring.

"Wow, well, that's good I guess. I hated my years in school, so if you enjoy it, I suppose you're better off than I was. Have you made any other friends outside of Jun yet?" she shakes her head, staring down at the beer in her hands, "You know, you just need to open up more. People are intimidated of you," at least I was when I was a kid around her… God, this whole reborn Rei thing is still creepy to me.

"Intimidated? How?"

"Well, look at yourself Rei. You're cute for a girl your age, and you're obviously smart – other kids just don't know how to approach you, trust me," yeah, I used to be one of those kids… "Just try to open up to other people more, it'll help you out."

"I can try… how long were you and Shinji together before you…?" and here I thought she wanted to avoid the topic!

"Heh, I knew you needed advice. Honestly? We never officially dated until I met up with him again a few months ago. We did, however, spend nearly a year together at all times before we actually did anything. I don't regret that it was with him, but I do regret how we did it – it was too distant, we didn't actually love each other. In fact, we actually just broke up today for good," her face, for once, showed an expression of surprise, "Yeah, tell me about it. Of course, I wouldn't define what we had as a relationship; more like friends with benefits," her surprised turned into confusion.

"Benefits?" seriously? She knows about all of this, but doesn't know the slang?

"It means we were simply friends that slept together," I put on a joking face, "And let me tell you, he is no bombshell in bed," that made her turn redder than I've ever seen! "But yeah, now I'm with a guy I met awhile ago and have wanted to date for a long time. He's a great guy!"

"Did you two… ever do anything else?" eh, I guess I should have seen that question coming. After all, I did plant that idea in her mind.

"No, not really, but we didn't have to. Why, have you an Jake?" I still think it's too early for them to be doing anything, but she's definitely the kind of girl that will do anything for her man… or, boy in this instance. She took a little bit to respond, but she finally answered my question.

"We've… used hands, but that's it. It surprised me… when I first did it."

"Okay, that's where I draw the line," I let out a small laugh, "I asked if you've done anything, not how you felt. I wanted to know because you can still catch some stuff even if you're not having sex. Just because he's a virgin doesn't mean he couldn't have any diseases. Just stick to the hands, okay?" by the look on her face, I could tell she didn't know what else there was, "And when you're finally at the point of wanting to be with him intimately, just ask me for condoms, okay? Don't be stupid about it."

"Thanks…" I could tell by the look on her face that she planned on taking me up on my offer eventually, "I don't mean to be rude, should I go?" I smile as I take the first drink of my water, speaking afterwards.

"Only if you want to. It doesn't matter to me," she stands up, beer still in hand.

"Thanks for talking to me, but I could use some sleep," she begins to walk towards the door.

"Enjoy your first drink?" she stops for a moment and looks down at the beer, now barely a quarter empty.

"I… enjoyed that you gave it to me," that was an elegant way of saying no, "You know," she continues to speak while facing away from me, "You keep saying that you're not my mother, but I appreciate you guiding me like one. No adults ever give me advice, so you talking to me has really helped. I just wanted you to know that," she then continued on outside, leaving smiling and once again alone in the room, permanently this time. I need to make it a note to go buy some condoms for her… I'll just give her a box so she can take them whenever she needs and not have to ask me.

Finally alone, I opened the folder that Rei brought in for me. The first page was a large photo of my new Unit 02, the only difference being the eye color, which was now, for some reason, white. Seeing this made me smile, as I knew that I would soon be back in my second home. As I flipped through the pages of past sync tests, profiles and such, I eventually came to a handwritten page with Ritsuko's signature at the bottom.

"_Asuka, this is to inform you of your startup date at NERV, which will be three days from this Monday – today. I would just like to tell you that your new Eva has arrived, as has the new Eva for the Fourth Child, who you will meet on your day back. I would also like you to know that all of us here miss you, and hope you're feeling better. Have a great day, and I look forward to seeing you!_" today is just getting better and better, isn't it? Honestly, this is probably the best day of my life! I didn't want to go to bed, but there really wasn't much of a choice – I needed sleep. I ended up falling asleep immediately after laying down, only to be met with a few dreams about Jun and I that I'd rather keep private.

When I finally did wake up, it was to the sound of a knocking door. A quick glance at the clock let me know that it was already eleven in the morning, which sent me into confusion as to who it could be. Rubbing my eyes, I open the door to see a face I could have done without seeing the rest of my life.

"What do you want? I thought we were mutual on the decision," how pathetic is he, really? I mean, coming crawling back to me within twenty four hours? It's disgusting. He was dressed in his commander uniform, letting me know he was on a break or something along those lines.

"You and I both know that we chose that rashly. We should be together, and you know that," I can finally stand up to him confidently; I cross my arms and smile.

"You really are a sad little person, you know that, right? I mean, you couldn't make it without me – or at the very least another person – for a full day before crawling back to your most recent cling. Listen, it's over, and I'm not going back to you. Once again, thank you for what you've done, but you really need to stop this… it's getting a little sad," even with what I said, he still kept his composure, "And, by the way, remember the night that Rei and I went out when you two were together? Well, that night, I met a man that I've wanted to be with since I saw him – we went out last night, and I absolutely loved it. In fact, I'm going over to his house again later on today," I could tell by the look on his face he was hurt by that, but I couldn't care less.

"Well then… I'm glad to hear that. Has Rei given you the envelope yet?" I simply nod, still wearing my smile, "Well then, it appears I am done here. See you Thursday," completely broken, he walks away, leaving me feeling confident and happy that I finally stood up to him. Sure, I may have been harsh, but it's better that I get my point across now to avoid any further confusion. Plus, I wasn't lying to his what so ever… Jun really is amazing, I'm not exaggerating that.

My entire day was spent just watching television, making the occasional meal, and essentially waiting for seven at night to roll around so I could meet up with Jun again. I spoke with Hikari on the phone for about two hours, just drifting from topic to topic, nothing exactly important, but fun none the less. A big part we spoke about was Yui and what Hikari hoped to be as a mother; I felt much more comfortable talking to her about parenthood, now that I was in a better mood at least. She claimed that she wanted to have a firm hand as a parent, but also wanted to be lenient enough to where her daughter wouldn't hate her. I agree with this, but as a mother, I think that I would care a lot less as to whether or not my child liked me, so long as I did a good job as a mother and raised them with the correct morals. We did, however, agree on what was needed in a father; they were the ones to support the home, while offering occasional advice on parenting. When we finally got off the phone, it was approaching six at night, which was my cue to start getting ready for a night with Jun.

I chose to get dressed in something more casual than last night, but still good enough to where we could go out if we wanted. I ended up choosing a straight black skirt that ended two-thirds the way down the thigh with a slit going up the left side, and a dark purple blouse that I intentionally left slightly unbuttoned, that could show a black lace bra if he were to look hard enough. Underneath the skirt hid a matching black thong that, if I felt he was worthy, he could get a peak at tonight. Nothing underneath that though; that will be saved for a much, much later date…

I get into my red beetle and make my way to his house, which proved to be just slightly difficult, as I didn't pay too much attention last night when he was driving. However, I did end up making it to his house at roughly seven thirty, where I was met with him presenting me with two glasses of pre-poured champagne. He was still dressed in his work attire, which was essentially the same as yesterday. With a quick toast as we sat on the sofa, I sipped at the drink with a smile.

"You sure got here quickly. Any reason?" he spoke with a smile, letting me know that he was being sarcastic.

"What, I can't just say that I wanted to see you?" I grab hold of his hand as I spoke, "So, what did you have planned for tonight? You've obviously thought something through."

"Well," he stands up and walks to the kitchen, immediately walking back out with a pizza box, "How's a little cheap dinner sound?" so he was listening! Well good, I didn't feel like going out tonight, "Afterwards, we can just see what'll happen."

"Sounds good to me," he holds out the open box to me with a smile, and I gladly take some of the food.

We spent quite awhile just watching television and eating before we got settled more, which ended with me laying my head on his shoulder, the same position we were in last night. The silence of watching television didn't last very long before I decided to bring up something that's been bugging me for quite some time.

"Remember how you told me last night that you didn't like secrets?" I feel him nod, "Well, I'm the same way, so I want to tell you something about my past," I wasn't ready to tell him about the prostitution, but I needed to tell him about the drugs.

"If you don't feel comfortable, you don't have to."

"That's the thing, I do feel comfortable," I grasp onto his hand a little tighter, "There was about a three year period of time where I wasn't an employee of NERV – I dropped out of high school and eventually ended up in a drug house. I don't mean to be so blunt, but I was a serious addict; heroin, cocaine, nitrous, you name it… I'm ashamed of it, but I did it none the less," he didn't speak for a moment, making my heart race in anticipation that he may cut me off right here and now, "Are… you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, just surprised… I mean, it's no big deal, really, I'm just a little blown away. We're okay, don't worry," he leans over to show his smiling face, "Thanks for telling me. It means a lot," he takes me into a soft peck on the lips, making me smile during the action, "How do you feel about us? We're not moving too quickly, right?"

"I don't think so. I'm not trying to make this sound too corny, but I've fallen for you in the few hours we've spent together… I'm so glad you wanted to meet up again."

"Me too, Asuka," we slowly lean in for another kiss, which slowly evolved into me straddling him, controlling the situation as we kissed. Just as last time, we had our wandering hands, but I took it just a little further by leaning in and whispering in his ear.

"Be a little more forceful, I'll tell you when it's enough" I immediately went back to kissing him, feeling his hands slowly wander to the front of my blouse, where he started to unbutton the blouse until it was on the floor next to the sofa. He left it at this for a small time, just wrapping his arms around me, bringing me as close as possible to him, until his hands once again started to move, this time to the long zipper holding up the skirt. I could tell he was apprehensive as he did it, but the zipper was slowly undone until, like the blouse, it was discarded to the side, leaving me almost completely exposed and at the mercy of what he wanted to do. I lean up, essentially standing on my knees, to look down at him and give him a better peek, "I want to hold off on the sex," I use my index finger to trace a line going down his tie, "But that doesn't mean we can't fool around," and that same index finger stops at the buckle of his slacks.

"Whatever you want," he whispers with a smile as his hands traced the curves of my waist. I bite my bottom lip as I tear off his tie and begin to slowly unbutton his shirt, revealing the tank top underneath.

All in all, it took us roughly an hour to get down to nothing but the undergarments, which ended up coming off anyway, regardless of what I told myself earlier. While I held my moral of not sleeping with him, we did just about everything else after retiring to his room for the night. He made everything about me that night; all I did was lay back, and he made me feel like a modern day queen. No work on my part what so ever; he never gave me the opportunity to relieve him, so to speak, but he ended up doing just that favor to me three times throughout a slow, three hour period. He knew exactly how to hold me, how to make me feel important, how to kiss me, everything… it was like we've done this countless times before… it was simply amazing. Needless to say, I slept over at his house that night, and for the first time, I was able to be fully comfortable in the arms of another man in full knowledge that he has no ulterior motives.

When I awoke the next morning, I was saddened to see that he was missing, replaced with a note on the bed reading '_Went to work, didn't want to wake you_' with a small smiling face below it. He's such a child… I found myself smiling at that fact. Annoyed that I wasn't able to say goodbye before leaving, I gather my clothes, get dressed, and leave the house with the thoughts of last night replaying over and over. I can't even describe how badly I wanted to go all the way with him, but I just want to wait longer before doing that! I mean, I didn't even really want last night to happen, but it's not like that was a big deal. On my way driving home, I had a sinking feeling for no apparent reason, making me slightly on guard the entire time.

Call it women's intuition, call it psychic ability, call it whatever you want, but my hunch was proven right when I finally got home to see Rei impatiently waiting for me at the front door. She was obviously anxious, pacing up and down the path leading to my door, and she sprinted over to the car the instant she saw me.

"Asuka! We need to go to NERV right now! Something's happening," she jumps into the passenger seat as I begin to speed off.

"What's happening?" I glance over at her to see her panting heavily.

"I have no idea, but Shinji called me and told me to wait for you to get home. That was about an hour ago… where were you?" damn it, I need to be at work right now! I guess I'm getting excused already…

"I was over at Jun's, it doesn't matter. We're almost there," we arrived at the entrance to NERV within five minutes, and I immediately pulled into the car lift, where we were lowered into the first level. I saw all the employees running around doing various tasks like ants, and I could see Toji's Eva already powered up with, what I assume, him already in it. When we finally got down, I was greeted by a flustered Misato.

"Asuka, Rei, go to the locker room and get suited up. You have ten minutes. I'll explain later," nice to see you again too. Rei and I ran to the lockers, where we both got changed in record time. By the time we got back up to the bridge, Misato was already speaking to Gendo as I see Shinji's entry plug being injected into Unit 01. Misato turns to us and begins to once again speak frantically, "Okay, here's the situation. Our geologists picked up some serious activity underground, and it's slowly getting worse and worse. We took a seismic reading and saw a hole of indeterminate depth slowly reaching the surface. It'll be here in roughly an hour, and it'll appear right off the coast. You'll be debriefed further inside your entry plug; get in," she walks off and begins to speak to some other technician.

Without question, Rei and I crawled into our respective plugs and were inserted into our Evas. I was a little nervous that I've never piloted this specific Eva before, but I was comforted in the knowledge that I would be backed up by three other skilled pilots. When we were ejected onto the surface, I could see streams of people beginning to enter the old shelters originally built for the Angels. I tried to pick out Jun from the crowds, but they were just too far away and too far down for me to see anything. He better be getting in one of those things…

"Okay everyone, pay attention. The hole, when it appears, will be roughly three miles in diameter, and it'll stretch out into the ocean, so at least the city won't be destroyed. You're all going to be on standby with weapons until we send a mass production Eva with a dummy plug down in there to see what's going on. We know for a fact that this is a Deviant, so don't try to convince yourself otherwise. Does everyone understand?" we all respond with a firm 'yes' at the same time.

We were all lined up on the coast; Shinji and I in the middle, Rei to my left, and Toji in his jet black Eva to the far right, all just waiting for something to happen. We all had the same model of assault rifle in our hands, giving us the impression of a firing squad staring down a criminal. Just as Misato said, we waited for a full hour before anything began happening, but as they say, when it rains it pours. Enormous tremors started to shake our Evas, making it just slightly difficult to stand. All of the turbulence caused some communication errors in our plugs; we could hear Misato trying to speak, but it was simply too distorted to understand anything.

What began as a small hold in the distance quickly turned into a gaping hole in the earth, with the waters of the ocean disappearing into the new horizon developed by said hole. It was complete darkness when it finally got close enough to where we could see down inside it, and it was simply terrifying… the severe earthquake finally stopped, but that only made the silence painful. The mass production Eva, most likely the one that I've been piloting, popped up from one of the elevators and immediately took off, flying directly into the hole.

"Can you all hear me," we once again respond with a unison yes, "Okay, I'm patching over the video feed to the mass production unit," a screen popped up that originally looked completely black, but as my eyes focused on it, I could see tiny figures moving ever so slightly, as if the entire blackness was made up of ants, "We're sending it in further and turning on thermal video," the Eva dived down out of sight, and the blackness soon turned into the bright colors associated with heat.

What we saw is something that simply cannot be forgotten. It was as if pure hatred, sadness, and sorrow were mixed into a giant cauldron. The small movements that I associated with ants have revealed themselves to be hundreds of thousands of people, all piled on top of one another, crawling to get to the surface made of flesh. Before I could examine anything else, the screen instantly turned into static and was removed before Misato once again came up on screen with a disgusted look on her face.

"Vile… okay, listen, we don't even know what you all are going to be fighting, so just hold your positions until we can get more data. I'll come back when we get something else," her face once again disappears, only to be replaced with Toji's annoyed look.

"Someone wanna tell me why I had to get here two hours ago if we ended up having o wait anyway?" Rei's face appears next to his, chiming in with her two cents.

"One may see being early as being on time," what is she, a boy scout?

"Yeah, speaking of, where were you Asuka? I heard Rei was waiting for you," typically, Shinji's face showed up, sending a small glare my way.

"Yes, I'd like to know that as well," how is this any of their business?!

"Well, I'll have you all know that I was at my boyfriend's house," Rei and Shinji stay unsurprised, but Toji just looked at me confused, "I'm not with Shinji anymore, Toji. Sorry for being late, but it's not really a big deal – not like we're doing anything," Toji leans back and puts his hands behind in head in a relaxed manner.

"Yeah, tell me about it… what are supposed to do, jump down in there? And what the hell was that? Were those people?" Rei finally responds with a sensible answer.

"This is Hell, after all. Perhaps Hell is a physical location rather than an idea, and those are the people punished for gluttony," that all got us thinking for a moment, wondering who could be down there, and who else could possibly be in Hell… people we know? People we've heard of? The thought of an eternity in agony is impossible to comprehend…

"Well, I just hope – what is it, Gluttony? – shows up pretty soon, cuz I'm bored!" no sooner did those words leave his mouth before Misato once again appeared on screen, forcing everyone else off.

"Okay, this is what we're going to do. It has slowly been rising further and further since you last saw it, but the speed has been decreasing exponentially, so it should be completely stopped by the time it is roughly a quarter of a mile down. Once it does that, which will take about another ten minutes, one of you will be going down there to explore. Any volunteers?" all of us were dead silent. Shinji wasn't going to lift a finger to help anyone today, so he's useless, Toji may do it, but he has a daughter to worry about, and Rei… hell, I don't know about her…

"I'll do it," wanting to break the silence, I essentially sell my life for the price of glory, "But what about all those people? I can't just jump down onto them," why do I even have to go down there anyway? There's nothing there for us!

"There are patches without people, but you shouldn't worry about them. They're all in Hell already; they can't die again, and even if they can, I'm sure they'd thank you for it," still though… they can still feel pain… "When you get down there, you're going to have to be on guard. Something took out the mass production model, but we have no idea what it is. That being said, do you want a different weapon that will last longer?"

"No, this is fine – I still have my progressive knife. How will I get out of there when we're done?" I realize that I'm being annoying with all of these questions, but I have the right to know all of the details!

"We can send down cables that your Eva will be raised up on. Now, Asuka, we haven't had a chance to tell you about your Eva; it has an S2 organ, but an imperfect one. It's very much like a heart – it works perfectly when at rest or in mildly stressful conditions, but too much strain on it could destroy it, leaving you with the typical three minutes of power. The reason you have an umbilical cable on right now is to charge those batteries. Once that is detached, the organ should start immediately. Do you understand?" so, I'm the only one with an S2 organ? I guess that makes me indispensable!

"Yes, perfectly. Just give me the cue when I should jump down," Misato once again disappeared, leaving me in complete silence for roughly three minutes before Rei showed up on screen, "Rei, don't bother me right now, I'm trying to psych myself out here…"

"Sorry, but I just want to tell you to be careful… okay?" I give her a small smile as she returned the favor and disappeared from the screen. Yet another large earthquake hits a few minutes later, and Misato appeared a final time when it ended.

"Okay Asuka, go for it. Just jump down, your Eva can handle the impact. Be careful," she smiles at me as if I were going on a suicide mission! She disappears, leaving me slowly walking out into the water and feeling the umbilical cable snap off from my back.

"Let's do this Asuka," I speak to myself as I finally reach the edge and look down into the semi-darkness. I could still see the movement, and I tried to blank out the thought that those were people as I jumped inside, feeling my feet sink into the ground just slightly as I did. It was much lighter down here than I thought… I was able to see the faces of each and every one of the people, all of which were of pure agony. Ignoring these dead faces, I began to walk forward and begin to simply look around. there was an occasional random spike slightly taller than the Eva sticking up out of the ground, and there was a thick slush like that of a milkshake covering the deeper bodies, and I could tell that it was cold, even through the thick armor on the Eva.

After roughly ten minutes of walking and no communication with Misato, I was finally starting to get annoyed. How is it that the mass production model was down here for thirty seconds and got destroyed, yet I've been in here this whole time and haven't seen a thing?! It's so annoying! I mean, I don't exactly want to fight, but I think that'd be better than just wandering around aimlessly. Come to think of it, I should have been looking for remnants of the downed Eva… maybe that could have helped me at least slightly. Eh, I suppose if I would have come across it, I would have seen it easily against this dark background. I finally decide to take a break from walking and just observe my surroundings to see what I can make of the situation. From left to right, I slowly scan the field of sorrow, seeing nothing but those bodies and a few of the aforementioned spikes – that is, until I got to the far right. I couldn't tell exactly what it was from this far away, but I was certainly something that I haven't seen before… a little apprehensive, I begin to walk towards the large dark blob about half a mile away from me. As I got closer, it added more and more detail, only raising my horror of this situation.

The first thing I was able to make out was the white Eva unit, leaking blood everywhere and obviously dead. Something was eating it… something I couldn't see from this distance… when I got closer, I saw three heads almost completely submerged in the torso, devouring muscle, flesh, and bone alike. I could see the short, perked ears, resembling those of a dog, peaking out of the lump of flesh. When I finally got close enough to make out details, I saw that the three heads came down into a single body of a dog, instantly reminding me of Cerberus from Greek mythology. Almost as soon as I realized this, all three heads popped up at once to show their gruesome faces. They all looked exactly the same, but I suppose that's what was eerie about the situation. All had teeth resembling those of a saber tooth tiger, dripping with a seemingly endless supply of blood from the mass production Eva. Their eyes were nothing more than glowing dark purple dots, and their noses turned up at the scent of my presence.

Acting almost on pure instinct, I immediately begin to fire the moment it began to bear all sets of teeth at me, hitting the middle head with almost every single round. The head went limp in between the other two, seeming to make the two apparently individual souls angry. It began to run towards me, roaring like some medieval beast long lost in the fictitious stories of the Knights of the Round Table. The gun was empty – it was useless to me at this point. I threw it to the side and, realizing I didn't have time to pull out my knife, simply held out my arm with a smile, letting the two heads get a small taste of me.

Their mouths fit perfectly to the size of the Eva's arm, and while it did hurt quite a bit, it was far from being intolerable. The first head was right near the wrist, glaring at me with all of its might as it tried to tear the arm off in vain. The other one was closer to the elbow, but I was unable to make eye contact with it… the one near the wrist was hurting quite a bit more, so I decided to do away with that one first. Reliving what Lust did to me, I reached over with my free and hand tore off the bottom jaw, throwing it behind me as the dog screeched in pain. The difference between Lust and I is that I wouldn't let it suffer – a simple fist to the top of the skull ended its misery. The final head took control of the body, leaping backwards and simply growling at me. I had plenty of time to grab my knife, but I decided to give this thing a fair fight.

It only lasted roughly thirty seconds, most of which was spent in what was essentially a staring contest. When it finally gained the courage to charge me, a well placed punch directly in the nose threw my fist through the back of its head, ending this masquerade of a fight. Was that it? That was Gluttony? How pathetic! If I hadn't let it bite me, I would have gotten out without so much as a scratch! Hell, if these things are just going to be getting easier and easier, then we just might be okay!

"Asuka! Come back to where you dropped in, Shinji's waiting for you with the cables. We need you on the surface now! Gluttony's up here!" what? Then what the hell did I just fight? Its pet?!

"Coming!" I begin to jet towards the area that I jumped down from, and just as the cables were starting to show themselves, another earthquake hit.

"The chasm is retreating… Asuka, get out of there!" what the hell does that mean?! Not wanting to find out, I frantically strap my Eva into the harness awaiting me.

"Okay, bring me up Shinji!" I started to raise up as the earthquake continued, the circle made by the hole slowly closing around me at a noticeable rate. God, I feel so helpless! My life is in the hands of Shinji, and I don't like that one bit… from seemingly nowhere, a black orb about the size of the Eva's head appeared in front of me.

"Asuka! Gluttony is down there with you, be careful!" this little thing is Gluttony? How stupid! They're worried about this? With a cocky smile, I grab hold of my progressive knife and stab into the ball, which immediately opened up and wrapped itself around my arm, up to the forearm.

"What the hell is this, silly putty?" initially, I wasn't entire sure what happened, it was just too quick, but the pain soon reassured my initial fears. The ball reformed in an instant, taking the entire part of the arm that it was covering with it, leaving my Eva was a bloody stump. I scream out in pain and yank my arm back, writing in pain from what just happened. It didn't just cut it off – it tore it off! I could feel the bone break, I could feel the skin tear, and I could feel every nerve in my arm screaming out in agony. Before I could react, it leaped towards my head, once again wrapping its 'body' around me. Ignoring the pain, I instinctively pull the 'eject' lever behind my seat, knowing all too well what will happen if the Eva's head is damaged. Of course, my entry plug immediately went black as I feel myself beginning to fall, glad that the pain in my arm stopped, but terrified to think what was going to happen to me. I should have just let it kill me like that – it would have been a better death than suffocating in an oxygen-deprived LCL…

I could hear the hands on the outside of the entry plug banging, trying to get in and to me. These things are alive, I don't care what anyone says… but what am I supposed to do now? The Earthquake has stopped, so I assume that the hole has closed up, sealing me in my virtual tomb. Am I just supposed to lay here and die? It's not like I can open this thing from the inside… at least, I don't think so. Hell, even if I could, there's no way that I'll go out there. I'd rather die in here than be torn apart out there – they sound pissed.

Barely an hour passed before I could feel myself starting to breathe heavy in vain, and if it wasn't for the LCL, I'd be drenched in sweat by now. This short time in here has given me more than enough time to think about what I've done with my life… next to nothing. Up until this point, my life has been filled with nothing but orders and compliances to those orders – I haven't truly accomplished anything. But that could have begun to change! I was with Jun, and while I realize we've only been together a total of three days, I know that I was going to be with him for a long time! But now he's up there, probably just now walking out of the shelter to see my Eva missing an arm and possibly a head… he'll be told I died in there, it's better that way.

About five minutes after I choose to close my eyes for the last time before drifting off into a permanent sleep, I hear a coherent knocking above me on the entry plug, something one of those lifeless dolls wouldn't be able to do.

"Hello? Is… Is someone in there?" the voice was frantic, and had a strong accent that I couldn't quite place… wait, a person?!

"Yeah! You're alive? Who are you?" he let out a small chuckle, slightly annoying me due to the situation.

"My dear, I'm about the most alive thing you'll find down here. Tell me, how does one open this contraption?" well, doesn't he speak proper?

"There's a red handle that you can pull out – it'll take some muscle… see it?" I hear him messing with something out there, and within a few seconds, a square of light permeated through the LCL. I push it open with the help of his pulling as he immediately pulls me away from grabbing hands and onto a rock ledge right by the face of the wall.

The environment was lighted in a deep red, making everything barely visible, but still recognizable as to what exactly it was. There was an enormous stone wall in front of me that led up into eternity – or at least it seemed – but that also traced the same three mile diameter circle that I saw earlier. What I didn't see earlier, however, was a small stone walkway by this wall, only about ten feet wide and just high enough to keep the dead out. After I looked away from the lifeless souls, I finally get a decent look at my savior, who looked ready for a Halloween party. He was in a long, flowing robe of pale green and white, his head had a crown of leaves, and he was obviously not even a touch Asian, "Thanks… who are you?"

"Such formalities…" he looks annoyed? "Need not worry who I am, but rather who you are. What is your kind doing in this place? You are not among the lost souls that dwell here," seriously, who talks like that?

"I'm a pilot of NERV, we were fighting a Deviant and I got stuck down here… what is 'here' anyway?" I really don't think I want to know the answer to that question, especially after he laughed slightly.

"My dear, I know not what you speak of piloting or this Deviant, but you are no longer in the world of the living. Welcome," he bows in front of me in a jester-like manner, "To the Third Circle of Inferno."

A/N – Well, I was just going to keep writing until I got the five reviews, but this was getting too long and it had too many subject changes. Anyway, I'm sure a few of you saw this coming, but I just couldn't help it. If you didn't see it coming and are confused, rest assured that it will all be explained in the next chapter, Once Again; until then, keep on keepin' on!

A/A/N – By the way, if you know who the stranger is, don't ruin it for everyone else! If you're well read you should know…


	18. Once Again

Chapter 18: Once Again

"Welcome," he bows in front of me in a jester-like manner, "To the Third Circle of Inferno."

"Yeah…" I look up at the ceiling that seemingly never showed itself, "That's what I thought," casually, I put my hands behind my head and begin to stroll down the path, "Thanks for the hand, whoever you are."

"Where are you going, madam?" he sounded frantic, but didn't come after me as I walked.

"Finding my way out of here. Like you said, I don't belong here, so surely there's a way out," he finally started to follow me, placing his hand on my shoulder when he caught up, "What?" I turned to see him with a worried look on his face.

"You can't escape from this place, you can only blindly wander. I'm sorry my lady, but you are lost," rolling my eyes, I turn back around and once again begin to walk, "Poor soul…" I hear him mutter as he begins to follow me again. We walked for some time in complete silence, the only noise coming from the sea of people with their occasional moans and screams.

"So tell me," I finally break the silence, not being able to take that noise any longer, "What landed you in here?"  
"I? Why does it matter?" I don't reply, letting him form his own answer to that, "I was in search of my love when I first entered this place, and by the end of my journey, I was at the gates of Heaven. The Lord found out of my false entry, and granted me the body of a man that is neither dead nor alive, cursing me to wander this plain for all of eternity. Why do you ask?"

"Well, you're not in there with them, so I'm just curious. If you were sent down here, then that means you had a path to come down here. Where is that?" he once again laughs.

"It has closed up long ago young child. Come here," he stopped walking and faced the sea of people, only roughly two feet from the edge. With a deep sigh, I follow his orders, "These are the most recent souls to enter hell. They fall from straight above, land in here, and suffer for eternity. The further down you venture into this pit, the older the soul, and the deeper the torment. Tell me, what do you see?" I catch the eyes of a single person, whose face was of the most pleading sort I've ever seen.

"I see nothing, to be honest. Just death," he shakes his head in a disappointing manner.

"I know not what has occurred on the surface this last decade, but there has been a great increase of people entering this place. You may very well know some people in this pit, granted they committed the sin of gluttony," I continue to stare at the man as he was engulfed by other bodies, eventually leaving my sight completely.

"Somehow I doubt that. Can you please stop speaking in riddles and just tell me what to do? I mean, there has to be a way out," I turned to look at him; he stared out into the sea with a horrified emotion on his face, "Hey, what are you looking at?" I focus in the direction that he was looking to see the dog that I killed earlier, "Oh, that thing?"  
"The Guardian… is that the work of your hand?" I put on my cocky smile as I nod, "How did you manage to kill that beast?"

"I told you, I'm a pilot. I killed it with my Eva," I finally see a smile on his face that evolved from the horror, "What? Is that good?"

"That means the door is unguarded! We may be able to leave this circle!" Yeah, like I've been saying for awhile now! "We are about two miles from the door if we keep going, but I know not what to expect. Come," for once, he takes the lead as we begin to walk again. We were in almost complete silence as we walked, and only started talking to one another when one of the bodies managed to climb its way onto the path. It had no use of its legs, and only frantically crawled towards us before the man shoved him back into the sea of people, "This happens from time to time. It is nothing to worry about," when he shoved the person back into the sea, I caught a glimpse of something that made me take a closer look.

"Hey, hold on a second…" I lean down by the edge to take a closer look at one of the people. Its eyes were clenched shut in pain, but there was certainly something familiar about this person, even if I couldn't tell the sex of the individual. It was completely buried up to the neck, and it was just bugging me how familiar this person looked… maybe an old class mate?

"Ah, have you found an old companion?" he leans down next to me and stares at the same person, "Would you wish to speak with this vile creature?"I look over at him slightly confused.

"They can talk?"

"If I grant them the ability," he reaches down, grabs hold of the person's hair, and pulls them onto the ledge, afterwards wiping his hand clean of the slush. The person revealed itself to be a woman, not much older than I was. She let out a hard cough before snapping open her eyes, meeting up with mine instantly. I literally fall backward onto the ground at the eyes I saw, still as crimson red as when I last saw them, "What is the matter? Does she scare you?" the woman stood up and began to wipe off the slush from her body, eventually reaching her hair, which showed a bright shade of blue.

"R-Rei… it's you…" I finally stand up to meet her at eye level. She was a little hunched over, obviously still in pain, as she glared up at me.

"Y-You…" her eyes were full of fury, and her entire body was quivering with that same emotion, "Bitch…" the fury soon turned into a twisted smile as she began to laugh hysterically.

"It appears that this one has been committed to insanity already. What a shame – she wasn't punished very long for her sins."

"You died too! You're just like the rest of us!" she spoke through her laughter as the man moved closer to her, "You died too!" she let out a final scream before the man pushed her back into the slush, where she was quickly silenced by the countless bodies piling on top of her.

"It truly does irritate me when they lose all consciousness so quickly. Come, we must keep moving," still shaken and keeping quiet, I follow him with arms crossed, "Tell me, why did that woman have such disdain in you?"

"That… was an old friend… I slept with her boyfriend, and she killed herself over it."

"Ah, the typical lover's quarrel. To onlookers, it is no more than a simple feud, but to the people involved, the woman may as well be Helen of Troy. Quite an odd way to go, I must admit. If you don't mind my asking, was the man worth her demise?" I almost felt like crying at his harmless question, and if I hadn't bonded with the new Rei I probably would have.

"Hey, I wasn't the only one involved – he slept with me too, you know. And no, we're separated now… he wasn't mentally stable," I think he could tell that he hit a sore note with me, because he tried to change the subject as quickly as possible after hearing my tone.

"Tell me, what is your genealogy? I can see you of Asian descent, but also something in the white European area. Perhaps the Swedish of the north? Or is it the English to the west? Or are you of the savage Germanic tribes to the east?" Germanic tribes? Jesus, this guy has been down here for a long time…

"Good guess, I am German, but not from a tribe. We're a country, and a powerful one at that," he lets out a small laugh.

"Really now? It appears as if the council grants any gathering of individuals access to land in these times," who knew racism existed down here? "Ah, I nearly forgot; you must tell me more about your… piloting, is it? What is it that you pilot, per-se?"

"If you don't know technology, this will be a little difficult… they're pretty much giant humans that we use to defend ourselves. But, they're not humans," at least I don't think they are, "They're something we created," even I knew that was a lie. All we did was clone Adam.

"Interesting… and that interesting outfit? Do all of you dress in such a way? The dead are stripped of all worldly possessions before entering Inferno, so this is the only attire I know," he looks down at his own getup.

"Pilots wear this, yes; I don't know exactly why, but it helps us pilot better. Everyone else doesn't wear this though… and they definitely don't wear what you have on. Pants and shirts are the most common, and that's about the only thing you probably know about… you know, you ask a lot of questions."

"Yes, this is my nature, after all. I was trained in classical philosophy and poetry – I believe that this is what has kept me sane throughout the centuries," that's about the first thing he's brought up to me about himself, "We are approaching the doorway to the second circle. I know not what to expect once inside, and if needed, we may be forced to retreat back to the Third," I'd rather die a quick death facing some demon than die a slow death doing nothing.

"That's not an option, I'm leaving here. Where's this door you were talking about?"

"It has most likely stayed closed since the creation of this place, but I do know it exists. Come, scan the walls for traces," he begins to feel the walls with his hands, picking away dirt and stone as he does. How does he even know that this thing is here? There's something this guy isn't telling me… I could care less, so long as I get out. I follow his orders, looking for something that very well may not even be here.

"What am I even looking for?" I look over to see him smiling with his hand on the wall.

"This," he pulls towards him to reveal a chain in his grasp, which he pulled as hard as possible, not even making it budge, "Come, help me, woman!" I'll excuse that 'woman' comment this time around, but if he tries to pull that again, he's going in the sea of death. No joke. With both of us pulling, the ancient door slid open to reveal yet another dark room, but this one was completely blank. Just a giant, empty room, exactly like the second circle, but without the sea of people. We walk inside, completely dumbfounded, and just look around that the nothingness.

"What has happened to this place?" wait, he's been here before? I guess he did say he toured Hell, but still… "Is this your doing as well?" he turns to me in confusion and possibly a little panic.

"Maybe… I mean, I did fight Lust, just like that dog back there, but we don't know what happened to it," he looked around in more confusion, not saying a word, "Maybe that's what happened. Lust died, and now there's nothing left of its circle… hell, I don't know, I just want to get out of here. Do you know where the other door is?" with a deep sigh, he nods his head.

"My love was sent to this circle, I was praying to see her here…" he steps down from the ledge and into the empty hole, holding up his hand in a yielding manner to me when I began to do the same, "The lustful are punished here. If you dare to take step in this pit, I know not what may happen."

"I'm not lustful. To be honest, if I were being punished, it would be in wrath… what circle is that?"

"Fifth, but that is aside from the point. If you have committed any form of lust, you may be punished. Know this well," he puts his hand down, sending hesitation through my body. Would last night be considered lustful? I mean, I didn't sleep with him, but I still went further than necessary… crap, beyond that, I sold my body for years… but, that wasn't really lustful on my part, more on the part of the buyers, right?

"Is… there another way around?" he turns towards the center of the circle and points up.

"There is a great stone ladder in the middle of this place that only those without lust can reach. If you are determined, this is the only way," well then, I guess I have no choice. Holding my breath, I take the five foot drop down into the pit. After a moment of silence, I smiled and rang out.

"See? I told you I wasn't lustful!" no sooner did those words leave my mouth did a ray of blinding blue light shoot down from above and directly over me, creating a tunnel of light seeming to come from my body.

"Child, run!" he began to scurry back up onto the ledge and through the door, leaving me there.

"You bastard! Come back here!" I tried chasing after him, but I found my feet were glued to the floor, keeping me in place. The light began to form a circle around the entire room, starting at my position and quickly making its way to the other side. When the two sides finally met with one another, the light instantly stopped for a moment before a red circle appeared in front of me on the ground. Like an elevator, a dark red spike slowly rose from the ground, and soon grew out two more spikes on either side, creating a horrifically formed cross.

"Demon child!" with a hard jerking motion, I was twisted around and thrown onto the cross, arms spread out and bonded by an unseen force, "You dare enter the realm you destroyed?!" from thin air, two ropes of thorns snap up from the ground, instantly wrapping themselves around my wrists and forcing a scream out of my lungs as I felt the thorns pierce the flesh. The source of the voice finally reveals itself from the darkness in front of me to be a demon with a beautiful woman's naked body, but a horridly deformed face resembling a lizard with horns.

"Who the hell are you?!" I try to struggle, but the thorns in my skin forced me to stay still, "Let me down!" yet another rope of thorns snaps up once again, this time wrapping around my ankles to keep me from kicking.

"Your actions caused the destruction of all the souls in the second circle! A new circle must be created, and as with all circles, an example must be made," yet another unseen force slashes from my right shoulder down to my stomach, leaving the plug suit slightly torn and blood leaking out, "Death will not come," another slash, mirroring the other, appears on my body, creating a large X of blood and slightly exposed flesh, "You will not be relieved," all of the thorn ropes tightened to the point of cutting off circulation, finally forcing a scream of pain that I've been holding in, "And you will pay for your sins!" three more slashes appear going straight down my torso, resembling a giant, unseen claw.

"I'm not dead! I don't belong here!" I feel the tears starting to roll down my cheeks as I scream at the woman in front of me, "I'm just trying to leave!"

"I know very well who you are. I know what you've done, and I know what have yet to do. You are a vile piece of scum, and you belong here!" finally using her own force, she holds out her arm towards me, her nails jetting out and into my torso. I feel them pierce through my back, and while I tried to scream out once again in pain, I found it impossible to take a breath in. it was obvious that she hit both lungs by the placement of her nails, but for some reason, I wasn't losing oxygen. Her face twists into a wicked smile, "I told you, you won't be leaving us any time soon."

From this moment on, I was thrown into a world of nothing but pain and anguish, teased only by the never arriving relief of death. What I believed to be days were nothing more than hours, and at times, I wondered if my sense of time was even relevant at this point. The woman that originally greeted me into this hell only appears from time to time to torture me personally, but for the most part, she has left that duty to the randomly appearing flying demons, bugs, boiling water, or unseen forces that simply lash at my body nonstop.

On the first day, I was looking forward to dying, regardless of how much it hurt. These small creatures of only a bleeding eye that splits down the middle to reveal hundreds of teeth gnawed at my skin for what seemed like an eternity. I saw the bones in my arm as they made their way through the muscle, I felt them tear open my abdomen to feast on the innards, and I felt them fight over me like lions over a zebra. I didn't think it was possible for a person to experience that much pain without passing out… after awhile, I simply couldn't scream any longer, and my head just hung to the side as tears rolled down my face. As promised, my body was healed, only showing me what my future had in store. I managed to fall asleep during the healing time, only to be awoken not long after by boiling water being thrown on my head from above, starting yet another day of agony.

At what I believe to be night, the torment completely stops for about an hour or two while my wounds heal completely, leaving me just as good as when I first entered this place. The plug suit that once offered me some sort of protection has gone into shreds long ago from the slashes and constant onslaught, leaving me with nothing more than a few rips of the material still left dangling on my skin. Those two hours have proven to be invaluable to me. This is the only time that I get any sleep, and I am always violently awoken by agonizing pain caused by one of the tormentors.

There are no thoughts when I'm awake – only my own screams fill the air and my mind. I am completely unable to carry on any logical thought other than the thought of pain. If I was forced to guess, I would say that I've been down here roughly three months… assuming that when I sleep is truly in day intervals. I could feel my mind beginning to deteriorate; I wasn't able to remember things I know I should, I wasn't able to think coherently, and I wasn't able to make out anything in my mind outside of the pain. If I can't die, then I just want the release of insanity to come… but I know it won't. I just know it won't! I can still feel this pain, I can still see the horrible visions every day, and I still remember what my life was!

I miss people… I miss everyone… I just want to talk to someone! Laugh with me! Argue with me! Just talk to me! I need a human voice so badly – I can't stand the sounds of these creatures any longer! I don't care what people think of me, I just want to be acknowledged! This pain… I can't take it anymore… I just need to die! Why can't I die? Why won't they just kill me? Why can't God release me from this constant horror? Was I not worshiping correctly? Has he completely given up on me? What do I need to do?!

I just want to die…

"Madam," during my two hours of silence, a human voice finally rings out in front of me. I struggle to hold my eyes open to see the man from those months ago, "Are you still alive?" I force a nod, which couldn't have been more than a few inches large.

"Kill… me…" the most I could muster was something below a whisper. He rushed over to me and began to pick at the thorns on my ankles.

"Quiet, don't move. I will get you down from here," I close my eyes, annoyed that he wasn't trying to fulfill my wish.

"Dante!" the woman's voice roars through the room, instantly shooting my eyes open to see her standing above him, "Do you wish to join her? Your place is in the Third Circle!" he stands up, facing her with courage that I simply couldn't understand.

"She has done nothing to harm you, release her," he spoke with a confidence that reminded me of Jun… it was refreshing…

"She has destroyed the Second Circle! An example must be made!" he was silent for a moment before responding, initially making me think he had given up.

"Then send her back. Send her back with the memories of what you and your creatures have done to her; she will pass on these stories to her fellow man and strike fear in their hearts. She will tell them of the power that even minor demons have, and she will be ridiculed. A far worse punishment is knowing the imminent is coming without any control over it," what he said didn't register with me at the moment, and I was much too tired to try to understand.

"What example will be made here, even if you are correct?" Dante – which was apparently his name – took in a deep breath before replying to the demon.

"I will take her place. Arrange my body on the cross as you have done to her – torment me as you have done to her. Onlookers will know no difference, and you will have your example," the demon seemed to consider it for a moment and replied with a wicked smile.

"Your selflessness will be regretted, Dante. Be gone with you woman, tell your kind of me and what you have experienced," with a flick of her wrist, I was hurled straight up, and after traveling for about five minutes at speeds un can't comprehend, I finally broke through some kind of surface, initially blinding me with the now new sunlight. When my eyes finally adjusted, I found myself on the same beach at twilight that my Eva was standing those months ago. I was still on the cross bounded by the thorns, but I knew that I was safe at this point, and I was able to smile for the first time in months.

I didn't initially see any people at the beach, but I'm sure that was because of how out of my mind I was. However, someone apparently saw and recognized me, because a NERV rescue team came for me within an hour. I was in a hospital soon enough, but my body was only tired, not beaten. Doctors and nurses tried speaking to me, but I wasn't able to hear anything over a muffled, underwater sound that I couldn't make out. I don't remember lying down in the hospital, and I certainly don't remember falling asleep, but when I finally awoke, it was with happiness to see Rei waiting by my bedside. She instantly noticed that my eyes were half open, and she started to cry just slightly as she smiled.

"Asuka…" she lunges at me and takes me into a deep hug, crying softly into my shoulder, "Where were you?" I return the hug by placing my left hand on her back, enjoying the sincere human touch for the first time in God only knows how long.

"Let's not talk about that now…" my voice was raspy and barely audible from all of my screaming, "Just… stay here for a moment," looking back, I know that what I said may have been a little odd, but I just needed this human contact. The smell of her hair, the feeling of her skin, the knowledge that she was there for me… was amazing. We must have stayed like that for at least five minutes before she spoke up.

"There are others waiting to see you. Do you want me to send them in?" I could tell she was embarrassed, so I let her go, watching her lean up while smiling.

"Who else is here?" she looked back at the closed door for a moment before turning back to me.

"Everyone, I suppose. We were all taking turns in here… Ritsuko needs to check up on you, I'll bring her in," Rei hurried off, closing the door behind her. It's almost surreal being back in here… I was starting to accept being down there, and being back is just amazing. I tried getting out of bed, as I've always hated these places, but my body just wouldn't respond. Every time I tried to move a muscle, pain shot through my entire body.

"Would you look at who's back," Ritsuko came through the door holding a clipboard and a smile on her face, "You sure have a thing for landing yourself in here every time a Deviant attacks," I didn't find any humor in her joke.

"I'm fine, can I just go home? I hate hospitals…" that wasn't a lie at all; my body was perfectly okay outside of the muscle aches.

"Not a chance – we need to monitor you. But before that," she pulls up a chair and takes a seat next to me, "You have to tell me what went on. How did you survive that long in there? What went on?" I avert my eyes from her, not wanting to relive what my life has been, "Asuka, it's okay, you're safe," she puts her hand on my shoulder, "But we need to know what happened to you so we can treat you better."

"My wounds would heal every night… the only things wrong with me are a lost voice and aching muscles," I could feel her hand slide off me.

"Wounds?" it took me quite awhile to respond, as I couldn't form the words without feeling my eyes well up.

"I was tortured down there… every day, nonstop, and when I was finally ready to die, everything they had done to me would heal…" she pencils something down in her clipboard – I couldn't care less what it was, "How… long was I down there?" she sets the clipboard down on the night stand and stands up.

"Asuka, we-"

"How long?" I was finally able to raise my voice above a whisper, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt like crazy to do so. She stayed completely still for a moment, and then once again grabbed her clipboard.

"Almost six months," my heart sank at what she said… I was down there for that long? The first thought to cross my mind was Jun – he probably accepted that I was gone and got with another girl, "We… held a funeral a month after you left. You should know that nearly everyone in Tokyo attended," they only went because they felt bad that I'm the one that died trying to protect them; they couldn't care less about me as a person.

"What happened to Gluttony?"

"Now I can give some good news; Rei managed to kill it after you left, but not before it incapacitated both Shinji and Toji. After that little fight, Toji is the last pilot to never have gone berserk…" she begins to walk out of the room, "A man has been waiting to see you, I'll send him in," the door opens and I hear her speaking to someone, but I couldn't make out a single word.

"Six months…" what have I missed? Have they replaced me as a pilot? Has another Deviant attacked? Has Jun gotten over me?

"Well, look who's back from the dead," my last question was met with a smile from me as I hear his voice enter the room. I turn to see him with the biggest smile I've ever seen on a person. He sits where Ritsuko just got up from and takes my aching hand, giving me both pleasure and pain.

"I'm too tough for Hell," I manage to smirk at him, and he returns the gesture.

"Apparently… do you know how long it's been?" is this the part where he tells me that he found another woman?

"Half a year," I lost the smile in anticipation of what is to come, "Why?"

"Well, I'm just saying… I mean, they said on the news that you died in your Eva, so I'm just a little confused. Have you been here this whole time? What happened? I mean, I saw you get pulled out of that hole, but your Eva didn't have a head…" he doesn't even know the big details?

"No… I was ejected before I could get out. I just got back to the surface yesterday… what month is it?" I tried changing the subject before he asked what happened to me. I'll tell him eventually, but now is not the time.

"Huh? Oh, December… twenty-ninth, to be exact," he puts on a smile, "That being said," he leans down out of my view and comes back up with two wrapped boxes, both about the size of his hand, "I told the doctors to give these to you when you woke up, but if I'm here… well, happy birthday," he holds out one box to me, "And merry Christmas," he holds out the other one, still smiling. Does this mean he waited for me?

"Thanks," I smile at him as much as I was able to, but don't move a muscle, "I… can't quite move just yet, can you open them for me?" he gives me a sarcastic smile before bringing the gives back to his lap.

"Nope, I sure can't. You'll just have to hurry up and get better!" that managed to get a small laugh out of me, which let me know that even my innards are in pain. He once again took my hand and looked at me with a more serious smile, "But really, I missed you Asuka," he leans down and pecks me on the lips. I wasn't quite able to return the favor, but that answered all the questions I needed to know, "Listen, that doctor told me that I couldn't be in here for long, so I should probably get going. Call me when you get home or anything else happens?" I manage to muster a smiling nod. Without a word, he gets up, smiles down at me, and leaves the room, only to have the next person walk in.

A/N – I originally planned on having this idea of Asuka in Hell last for two chapters, but I wasn't really a fan of it, so I decided to drop it. Not like it matters, the point got across. So, how did you guys like it? Nothing like a little torture to start off a Wednesday morning, that's what I always say! Not exactly too sure what's going to happen next chapter myself, so we'll just see what happens. Check out the next chapter, The Killing Kind; until then, keep on keepin' on!


	19. The Killing Kind

Chapter 19: The Killing Kind

I hated waiting in that hospital for them to release me. It was nothing but them poking at prodding at me, making sure that everything was okay – just as I told them, everything was fine. A few of the NERV staff that I've never seen before came in an interviewed me about my experience, claiming that I had 'valuable knowledge' of what goes on in hell. I just told them to read the Divine Comedy for their answers. When my mind finally came around to logical thinking, I finally realized who that man was that saved me – it was Dante Alighieri, the man Kaji told me about all those months ago. Apparently his book was less a work of fiction and more of an autobiography. I still can't believe he's down there, taking my punishment for me… I wonder if he'll be released when all the Deviants are gone. I guess I have to think that he will, or my own guilt will depress me.

Shinji came in to see me about two days ago, and was actually pretty cordial with his visit. In fact, he gave me a cell phone that he claimed was needed, since NERV is never able to get a hold of me. Typically, the number to NERV was already in the phonebook, and he said that if this ever came up on caller ID to immediately answer. I appreciated it, even if the phone was something short of a brick. His visit was short, but it did tell me that he's gotten over me in this half year, which is an extremely good thing.

After a week in that damned hospital, I was finally dragging my feet through my own door, still feeling the slight aching of my muscles. Luckily, they kept my apartment in the same condition it was when I left – something tells me that the only reason for this is because no one else wanted to live here. It was barely after eight at night when I got back in here, and the first thing I did was throw on something more acceptable than a jump suit so I could go to Jun's. After all, he did want me to come over when I got better. I didn't bother to make myself up too much; I was already showered from the hospital, so all I did was throw on a tight black t-shirt and jeans… I'm in no mood to prep myself up. However, there was a small, late Christmas gift for him that I had to get ready. Being with Jun will take me out of this depressed mood; I haven't had a good day in over half a year, and frankly, I think it's about time that I do. However, with my luck, I managed to catch Rei walking into her apartment as soon as I left mine. Luckily for me, she didn't see me, and hurried through the door without so much as glancing at me. I tried to be as quiet as possible as I left, as to not gain her attention.

When I finally got to Jun's house, it proved to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen… of course, that's probably just a side effect of living the way I did for so long. Feeling slightly confident, I walk up and knock on his door. Damn, I forgot how cold it gets at night… he better freaking hurry! Thankfully, he soon opened the door and instantly smiled.

"Oh, Asuka, hey! Are you out of the hospital?" does he not see me with crossed arms and shivering? Let me in!

"Yeah… can I come in?" I say it in a joking manner, but in reality, I was slightly annoyed. Seriously, does he have no common sense?

"Yeah, of course," he opens the door, letting me walk by and instantly fall back onto the sofa, "Tired I assume?"

"No, my muscles are just still really sore…" I lean my head over the back of the sofa and closed my eyes. Jesus, even the walk from the driveway here took a lot out of me! "Oh yeah, so, about those gifts," I sit up and smile at him as he sat next to me.

"What, is that all I'm good for?" he speaks sarcastically as he reaches over the arm of the sofa and picks up the two boxes that were apparently on the floor, "No gift for me?" heh, if he only knew…

"You'll get yours later, I promise," I speak softly, giving him a hint as to what the gift is. With a small smile, he hands me the two boxes.

"Can't wait," a little excited, I open the slightly smaller box first, eventually revealing a pair of stud ear rings with a deep red gemstone in each. They were just big enough to be showy, but also small enough to not look trashy, "Those are spessartine garnets, named after the Spessart district in Germany. I thought you'd like to have a little piece of home with you," the odd thing was that I actually do vaguely remember visiting that area as a child.

"They're beautiful!" I'm not too much of an earring person, but that was only because I've never found any I liked… until now, that is, "I hope you didn't spend too much, I feel bad."

"Oh, don't worry about it, just open the other one. They're part of a set," Jesus, now I feel cheap for what I planned on giving him… eh, he's a guy, it'll be more than worth it in his eyes. After pecking him on the lips, I go back to opening the slightly larger box, which had much more weight to it.

"I'll have to pay you back somehow," I speak seductively, once again hinting to him what I have planned. When I finally got the box undone, I opened it to reveal a two piece set of a silver necklace and a pendant attached to it. It took me a moment to examine the pendant, and when I did, I immediately dropped the box onto the floor. I couldn't move a muscle; only stare down at the pendant in horror.

"Asuka, what's wrong?" the same type of stone that was in the earrings, only much bigger, laid in the middle of a cross of red turquoise, forming almost an exact copy of the prison I was in for six months. He leaned down and picked it up, immediately putting it back in the box, "Sorry, I saw a rosary in your hospital room, I just assumed you were Christian…" when I got my senses back, though heart still pounding and hands shaking, I could tell he was extremely hurt by my reaction.

"Jun," I lean my head back and rub my eyes, trying to shake off the vision, "I'm sorry, but I can't wear that. When I was down there… they had me on a cross exactly like that, I just can't look at it," the tension was so thick in the room you could cut it with a knife, but what am I supposed to do? That looks exactly like what I was on! I can barely stand the sight of a cross, let alone that!

"Sorry, I didn't know," he takes me into a firm hug, stroking my back in an attempt to calm me. I'm sure he could feel my heart pounding through my chest, "Just relax, it's okay, you're safe now," he whispered in my ear, which actually did clam me down a little bit.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to freak out like that," I take a deep breath and pull away from him, "I hope you're not mad at me," I really did feel bad. He obviously spent quite a bit of money on these gifts, and I just threw the biggest one on the floor.

"It's fine, I understand. I can just return it and get you something else, no big deal. Listen, are you okay? I mean, you obviously had a traumatic experience down there… do you need help? I could pay for a psychologist if you wanted," great, so now even my boyfriend thinks I'm insane…

"No, I'm fine. Even if I did need one, my best friend is one, but I'm fine. Really," did I just assure him that I was fine, or was I trying to assure myself? "Listen, let's just forget about that, okay? I'm trying to not remember what happened down there, and I'm trying to get over it, so just bear with me?" he smiles, but had an obvious undertone of sympathy in his face.

"Yeah, but I'm here for you if you need to talk," he stands up and heads towards the kitchen, "What do you want to drink?" I didn't hesitate whatsoever.

"Anything with alcohol in it," I hear him laugh from the other room, "I'm so serious," I spoke in a joking manner, but I really did need a drink.

"Beer okay? Unless you want wine, that's all I really have. I'm not much of a drinker."

"That's more than okay," he comes out holding a glass of soda for him, and an opened bottled beer in the other hand for me, "Thanks."

"So, anything in particular you wanted to do?" he asks me as I down about a quarter of the drink. I smile through the mouth of the bottle and set it down on the coffee table.

"You really are dense sometimes, you know that?" I'm sure he knew exactly what was on my mind, but he was just being the typical shy guy I've grown used to, "It's almost nine at night, everything's closing in about an hour, and I just got here. What do you think I want to do?" he blushes slightly and tries to cover it up by taking a drink.

"Microwave dinner?" he makes a smart ass comment before putting down his drink.

"You're an ass," with a small smile, I take my usual place of straddling him on the sofa, but only lean in just enough to where we were about to kiss, but never actually giving it to him, "Tell me what you want."

"You," I lean in just far enough to where our lips were barely touching.

"Good boy," we finally begin a slow, deep kiss that soon escalated into us playfully running into his bedroom. As usual, he was on top of me while we kissed, and his hand predictably made its way up my shirt soon enough, "I have a little surprise for you… consider it a Christmas gift," I reach into my jean's pocket and pull out a perfectly square object and hold it in front of with my index and middle finger, wearing a small smile. I think it took him a moment to register exactly what I was holding, but when he did, I could see a little sparkle in his eye.

"If it was really Christmas, I wouldn't have to wear one," like hell!

"Hey, at least I'm letting you in the first place, be grateful!" ass… he leaned in and began to kiss me once again, and I put the condom on the nightstand, waiting for when the moment comes. Of course, he wasted no time in damn near tearing off my clothes, but I decided to be a little more… let's say teasing with his. While he was only wearing a t-shirt and sweat pants, I must have taken half an hour to finally take off the last article of clothing, and by the time that happened, he was more than ready for my gift. While I wanted to drag it on a little longer, I could tell he was ready right now, so I decided to let him finally put on the latex glove.

Unlike the first time we slept together almost a year ago, he was much more sensual this time around… he didn't rush anything, and he wasn't forcing anything; it was just pure and simple. I mean sure, of course he did speed up with time, but that's to be expected – my point is that he was extremely romantic. Kissing me, whispering sweet nothings, and making sure I was enjoying it.

I was.

That is, until roughly half an hour into the act. I was close to reaching that special point myself, and I'm not sure about him, but it didn't really matter in the end. We were cut off by a cell phone ringing in my pants across the room, and with Shinji's words repeating in my head, I reluctantly make him stop.

"Damn it!" with a huff, I stand up and grab the phone.

"What? What's so important that you have to answer the phone now?" I hold up a finger to him and answer the phone.

"Hello?" I had an obvious annoyed tone in my voice, as I had the right to. This was the first time I've had sex in well over half a year, and they're bugging me now?!

"Asuka, we need you to come down to NERV," of course, it was Shinji, "Pick up Rei on the way too."

"This can't wait? I'm a little busy right now! Just give me, like, ten…" I look over at Jun, who was shaking his hands frantically, "Twenty minutes," he nods with a smile as I try to hold in a laugh.

"No, this can't wait. We're not sure, but we think Wrath has shown itself," my eyes go wide at his comment, and Jun obviously picked up on my emotion.

"Shinji, I'm not even fully recovered from Gluttony, and you want me to go out and fight another? And what happened to Greed?" Jun finally understood my emotion, and he stood up to stand next to me. I hold up my hand, signaling him to stay quiet.

"Greed attacked while you were away, and it almost killed Toji. We don't know what to expect, so we need all the pilots we can take," I don't know if I can pilot again so soon…

"Okay, I'm on my way," he immediately hangs up, and I follow the action, "I'm so sorry Jun… God! The first night away from the hospital and they call me right back! And now of all times!" talk about a mood killer…

"Do you have to go?" he was obviously worried about me, "I don't want to lose you again."

"I'm under contract, I have to. I'll be careful, I promise," I kiss him on the lips, but no smiles were exchanged, "Now go to one of the shelters. The alarm hasn't been sounded yet, so you should be able to get in easily," I begin to get dressed as quickly as possible, and with a deep sigh, Jun follows the action, "I'm so sorry."

"It's fine, it's fine, I'm just worried about you now," hell, I'm less worried and more annoyed. I needed this to relax, damn it!

"I know, and I don't want to, but if I don't, we could all die anyway. Might as well go down fighting," I really shouldn't have put it that way… I tried to change the mood as I pull my shirt over my head, "Tell you what, we'll finish this up later on tonight – deal? This shouldn't take too long," I think he believed me, but I'm not sure if I believed myself. I won't be taking any risks tonight, but still, I never know what to expect going in there…

"Okay, but be sure to bring another condom… or don't, whatever works," he gives me a nervous smile. We walk to the front door and stop before we have to split up to get into our respective cars, "Be careful," we share a short lived kiss before separating.

"Yeah…" we stood there holding hands for what seemed like an eternity before I finally spoke up I a rushed fashion, "If something happens…" I wanted to say those three words so badly to him, but I wasn't able to force myself to.

"Don't, you'll be back tonight and everything will be okay. Now hurry up, they apparently need you," with a final, movie-esque kiss, we part ways and drive off in different directions. Rei was waiting outside her apartment for me, which proved to save quite a bit of time. We were almost at NERV when she finally spoke up… I was beginning to think something was wrong with her.

"Asuka, are you alright? You look flushed…" damn it!

"Yeah, I-I'm fine. Don't worry about it," of course, being Rei, she was simply unable to drop it.

"Are you sure? You look like you just rolled out of bed… do you need medical assistance?" oh my God kid, just drop it!

"Yeah, I was in bed, that's what normal people do when they're tired!" she breaks eye contact with me and looks down at my shirt, noticing something that I just noticed too, which made my heart sink.

"Your… shirt is inside-out…" she looks back up at me with a blush that I try to ignore by keeping my eyes on the road, "Oh… I… apologize…"

"Don't say a word to anyone at NERV! The last thing I need is that ridicule…" she once again fell silent, obviously embarrassed by the situation. When we reached the car lift, I immediately began to fix the problem, "Close your eyes for a second I need to fix this," as quickly as possible, I turn my shirt the proper way, "Okay, you're fine. Did Shinji tell you anything beyond that they think it's Wrath?"

"No. In fact, he didn't even tell me how they thought it was Wrath," great, once again running head first into a battle without so much as a shred of knowledge. As we reach the bottom, I hear the faint sounds of sirens on the surface.

"Well, they sound pretty sure about their theory," as usual, Misato was waiting for us, and she instantly went wide eyed at my presence.

"Asuka? You're here? Why?"

"Shinji told me to come. I told him that I wasn't ready, but he didn't care," she got a look of fury on her face and began to storm off.

"Follow me, both of you," after a few minutes of walking, we finally reach the control bay, where Gendo, Shinji in his plug suit, and Ritsuko were waiting along with a group of other NERV technicians, "Shinji!" he turns to see her, "Are you insane? Asuka isn't ready to pilot yet! She just got out of Hell for Christ sake!" quite literally speaking.

"You saw what happened with Greed, we need all the help we can get. She will be a backup, but we still need her here regardless," she stood for a moment, shaking with anger at her commanding officer, "Both of you, go get changed. Your Evas are waiting," leaving Misato to fight with Shinji, Rei and I go over to the locker room where our plug suits were waiting for us. A little embarrassed to be changing in front of a kid, I try to hurry up and get it over with. I was in my plug suit and leaving by the time she was barely taking off her final piece of clothing, so I managed to avoid any confrontations. After have a short debriefing on information I already knew by some technician, I was crawling into my entry plug and being ejected into the Eva.

"It couldn't have waited another twenty minutes, noooooo. Jesus, I was this freaking close! This close! Ugh, and Jun wasn't even anywhere near ready, so I could have gotten another one out! I hate this!" the display inside the entry plug shoots to life, instantly showing Ritsuko's face.

"You should be worried less about your desires and more about the fight," she heard me?! "So, what's his name, hm?" she had a sarcastic smile on, but I was in absolutely no mood.

"Oh shut up! What makes you people think this is a Deviant anyway?" and how the hell is she so calm right now?

"Well, we're only about twenty percent sure, but-"

"You drug me out here for twenty percent?! That twenty percent couldn't have waited?!" seriously? They even sounded the alarm!

"If you would let me finish, I'll explain. Yes, we're only twenty percent sure it's a Deviant, but even if it's not, something is still there. It's a huge mass in the ocean, near where Gluttony's hole appeared, that's giving off unsafe levels of radiation. So, that being said, even if it's not a Deviant, it still has to be dealt with. Understand?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever… I'm still annoyed," I tried to change the subject, not wanting her to go back to what I was yelling about before, "So tell me, what was everyone like when they thought I was dead?"

"They were actually a lot worse than you would think. Shinji didn't come to work for over a week, and even when he did come back, he was a changed man. Rei was the same way, and she would cry every time your name was brought up. Everyone expressed their grief in a different manner, but it was certainly there. Why, you curious to see how bad it was?" kind of, yeah!

"No, just curious in general… let's try not to have a repeat, okay?" she only gives me a smile and a thumbs up before popping off screen, "You have to work too, Asuka…"

"Hey!" making me jump out of my skin, Toji suddenly appears on the screen with a huge smile on, "Long time no see! I heard you were back, but Hikari told me I should have let you rest in the hospital. You gave us quite the scare, you know!"

"Don't scare me like that!" I let out a few German curses before switching back to something he'd understand, but I'm sure he got the point.

"Hey, sorry, sorry, chill out. I'm just happy to see you, ya know? We all thought we lost you!" holding my still pounding chest, I give him an annoyed look.

"You almost killed me right there, idiot… nice to see you too," he leans into the monitor, looking intently at my face, "What are you doing?" he looks closer, until his nose was pressed up against his own screen, "I'm going to have to start charging you if you look much longer… what is it?"

"Are you okay? You look flushed…"

"Oh shut up!" I slam my fist on the button to make the communication link be cut. Do I really look that bad? How is it that everyone can see?!

"Pilots," aw crap, they heard me from out there? Misato's face was on the feed, and she looked anything but happy, "This will be an exploratory mission. Rei and Shinji will be the first to go in, and once the object has been identified, we will act accordingly. Toji and Asuka will be waiting down here, and if needed, will be sent up to aid in any way they can. Are there any questions?" Rei was already in her Eva? That was quick.

"Yeah, I have one," Toji rings in through the audio link, "If this isn't a Deviant, what is it?"

"That's why we're calling this an exploratory mission – we don't know. Shinji and Rei, head on out," I hear the two blasts of their elevators next to me as they both shoot to the surface.

"Hey Asuka?" I swear, if he says something stupid again, I'm going to lose it, "What do you think will happen when all the Deviants are gone? I mean, what if there's some middle ground we don't know about that has even more of these things? This may never stop."

"Well, judging by how the Deviants have been in the past, I'll be surprised if we finish them all off. We still have, what, five Deviants left? And that's if we're right about the circles – there could be more. In my opinion, we don't have a chance," he was still over audio, so I couldn't see his face.

"That's a bad way of looking at things…"

"Think about it though. Out of all the Deviants, we've only been able to actually touch two of them. At least with the Angels we knew what to do; attack the core. These things are just… different. And they're getting stronger each time. I'm not saying this is a good thing, I'm just being realistic."

"I'm not saying that they're not strong, but I am saying that we don't have a choice. We all have something to fight for, so the way I see it, losing isn't an option. You need to have a better opinion of things. I know that what you went through was traumatic, but you can't just give up. You won't live long thinking that way," I hear him cut off the link after finishing his soap box speech. I don't care what he has o say – at least I'm being realistic about what I'm saying. I'd rather be ready for death and accept it than have it come out of nowhere. And plus, it's not like I want to die!

"Approaching the object," Rei's voice rings through all of our intercoms, "No movement so far."

"When you are close enough to the object," Ritsuko's voice replaces Rei's, "We want you to retrieve it. A container will be here to take it from you when you return. By our readings, it should be just small enough for both of your Evas to carry. We need to destroy this thing, whatever it is."  
"Understood," both Shinji and Rei respond together. They're going to pick it up?! This just has bad news written all over it… I'm not going to sit back and listen to NERV risk our lives again!

"Are you people stupid? You don't even know what that thing is! It freaking spawns out of nowhere, and you think it's okay to pick it up? What if it's similar to Gluttony?" seriously, this is just ridiculous.

"Do you suggest that we wait for whatever it is to make the first move?" Gendo's voice comes on, just making me angrier.

"No, I'm suggesting we be smart about this. There are people in these Evas, you know!"

"We don't have time for this. Shinji, Rei, retrieve the object," without so much as a word, I assume that they follow their orders.

"This is so stupid…" I mutter to myself, waiting for something to happen. Wanting to make my own future and not rely on the insane judgments of others, I decide to go to the surface and see what's happening myself, "I'm launching!" I shoot to the surface to see Units 00 and 01 up to their stomachs in the water, both walking to the shore and holding a massive, blood-red ball, "What is that thing?"

"Asuka!" Misato's face shows up on the side of my monitor, "Do not interfere! We don't know what it is, but they have it under control!" no sooner did those words leave her mouth did Rei let out a scream, soon followed by Shinji doing the same. Both their Evas stopped in place and fell to their knees, still holding the giant ball.

"I'm coming!" I begin to sprint over to them, but instantly stop when I see why they were struggling. The color of the ball was starting to leak onto their hands, and was slowly traveling up their arms, creating an eerie, single colored Eva. Within only a few seconds, their entire Evas were consumed, and they held completely still, "What's going on? Misato!"

"Toji, launch! Something's happening!" their Evas begin to writhe as if they were in pain, dropping the ball and shattering it as if it were glass. Out of nowhere, they stop all movement, and slowly return to their feet in a zombie like fashion.

"Rei? Shinji?" I try speaking to them, but absolutely no response came across, "Hey, wake up you two!" still nothing.

"What happened to them?" Toji runs up next to me, both of us in a stance ready for anything.

"I don't know, that thing just… I don't know. Misato! What happened?" her face pops up on screen, and she was obviously as nervous as we were.

"We've confirmed it – this is a Deviant. Both of you, attack; try to preserve the pilots!" well, that goes without saying!"

"Toji, you get Unit 01, I'll get Rei. Go!" we both begin to run at the exact same time, not wanting to give the Deviant any time to react. When I reached Unit 00, it immediately caught the punch I was throwing, leaving us in a stalemate on the first move. I pull back my other fist and manage to land a punch on its head, making it fly back into the ocean. I look at Toji to see him and Unit 01 in yet another stalemate, where they had both hands locked with each other, "You okay Toji?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, just go help Rei!" I look away from him to see Unit 00 on its feet once more.

"We're opening a video link to the pilots now!" Misato warns us of the incoming video feed, which soon popped up on the lower right hand of my screen. It was certainly Rei and Shinji, but it was only their bodies… something happened to them mentally as well. They both had a horridly wide smile on as they grasped the controls, eyes completely black, angry, and leaking blood.

"What the hell…?" I hear Toji mutter to himself as I once again charged at Rei, only to be met with a swift kick that threw me into the air like a football. I landed on my back in the water, and the Eva's eyes were barely above water level. Unit 00 pinned me down by putting its forearm across my neck and other fist on my chest.

"How's it feel to be subdued again, hm?" I see Rei speaking to me, but I just couldn't believe this awful sound was coming from her lips. I could hear her voice, but only slightly, as the majority of it was deepened into a demonic sounding growl.

"Rei! Fight it! Come on now!" I throw her off of me, both of us lunging to our feet instantly.

"Oh, Miss Soryu is giving me advice again, I see," she charges toward me with a punch, I avoid it, and simply stand down, "What, too afraid to hit me? Or are you still sore from your little escapade of love earlier?"

"Shut up!" I charge at the Eva, drawing my knife and making a mental note to keep her Eva's head safe.

"Oooo, aggressive!" she held up her hand, letting me stab through it, but blocking me at the same time, "A little pain never hurt anyone, but you know that, don't you?" she snaps her hand down, taking my knife with it, and punching me with the other hand, "You talk too much."

"You're not Rei, don't act like you know me!" we begin a sparring match, surprising me that she was as skilled as she was.

"Really now, I don't know you? I know you gave me advice on Jake, I know you try to help me, and I know what you used to be! What, does my appearance lead you to believe I'm not the sweet little girl you thought I was?" I could feel myself falling behind, as I've been on the defense for some time now.

"I know what the Deviants can do, you're just trying to get in my head!" I know better than to let these false words get to me! I'm beginning to learn from these things!

"Asuka," the smile disappears and Rei's eyes return, showing nothing but fear and confusion, "Help me…" I really should have known better than to stop the fight, but I couldn't help myself, "Stupid bitch!" the eyes and smile return as she kicks my side, sending me flying into a cluster of buildings… I really hope those things were empty.

"Damn thing…" I force myself back to my feet and glance at Toji, who was fighting much more resiliently than I was. What those two were doing resembled more of an acrobatics show and less of a fight to the death; mid-air spins, back flips, and complex sparring moves. It was actually quite beautiful if you could get past the fact that those are two of my friends.

"Well? Are you just going to stand there and gawk at them fighting?" I turn back around to see Rei just a few hundred feet from me. How could I let her get this close without noticing? "Or are you going to stop holding back and come at me?" she holds out her arms, just begging me to come at her full force.

"Fine, you want this? Let's go!" I knew I was fully capable of doing what Toji and Shinji were doing, but a person I care about is in there! I can't just blank that out! Looks like I don't have a choice though. I charge at her once again, dodge the punch she threw in defense, and grab the arm from below. In a normal situation, I could have easily broken it or even torn it off, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I swing her over my back, making her land on hers. When she was down, I pin her down in the same fashion she did to me, "Sorry about this, Rei," with a quick jerk, I tear off the chest plate of the Eva right before she kicks me off.

"That hurt!" she held her chest, the smile now gone and only fury replacing it, "Heathen!" she charges at me in blind anger, giving me an upper hand to jump over her, instantly turning around to face her back. With another quick motion, I use both hands to tear off the back armor, making her blindly grab at the new exposed flesh of the Eva.

"Apparently you also have the skills of Rei. She's barely been piloting half a year now, and I've been doing this for almost two decades. You can't compare!" she swings around with a punch, landing the lucky hit on my cheek. Okay, maybe she can…

"What are you trying to do? Pull me out of the Eva? You know damn well that could kill me!" she still had the furious look on her face.

"Not if I do it right. You Deviants need to do your research before you come up here; Toji was torn from his Eva, and look at him!" she follows my instructions to see him on the offensive with Shinji, still sparring as before, "It'll hurt though, trust me on that one!" I lung at her, tackling her to the ground as she struggled, "Sorry about this Rei, but you made me do it," I begin to tear at the skin of the chest, slowly making my way through to the entry plug. Breaking through the sternum, throwing the ribs to the side, and eventually coming to the long, white, blood covered entry plug. She was screaming the entire time, and after a few seconds, I shut off her communication link, as I was afraid that I would stop.

"Asuka, hurry up, Rei's vitals are plummeting," Misato speaks to me through the audio link just as I grasp onto the entry plug and carefully remove it. All of the red on the Eva fell off like liquid, showing the beaten and battered remains of Unit 00.

"How is she?" I continued to hold the plug as I kept an eye on Unit 01, not wanting it to see that I defeated its counterpart and come after me.

"Unconscious, but fine. Put her on the elevator, we'll get her down," following Misato's orders, I put her on the lift and watch her descend down into NERV.

"How are you doing Toji?" he shows up on my video link with a smile.

"Damn, I tried finishing before you! Okay, time to stop messing around," he takes Shinji into a hand lock as I stand back and watch with a smile. I have admit, I think I'll enjoy watching Shinji get his butt kicked!

"Since when did Shinji lose his touch? He used to be able to pilot circles around all of us, and now he can't even hold his own against you!" I saw Toji start to struggle against Shinji, eventually being forced to his knees, "And there you go, proving me wrong…"

"Asuka, I need help!" seriously? This is pathetic! "It's… starting to burn!" wait, what? Just as before, the red started to engulf Toji from his hands beyond. I started to run towards him with the intent of tackling him away, but by the time I was in front of the two, he was already completely taken over, black eyes and all.

"Well… isn't this great… hey, Misato? Could you send up a few weapons? I might need some kind of edge on this one," they both stand up completely strait, staring at me through the video link with those wicked smiles.

"You're a good pilot," Toji speaks up in the same manner that Rei did.

"But you can't take on both of us. You've grown weak through the years," Shinji chimes in next, adding in a small insult as he did. With a cocky smirk, I grab onto the lance that popped up via elevator next to me.

"Not my first choice of weapon, but it'll do. So, who wants to go first? Or are you both going to charge me at once?" they both take a fighting stance, "Heh, ganging up on a girl… how rude!" I made the first move, throwing the lance between them, intentionally missing and making them dodge it needlessly, "Idiots!" I lunge at them, place each hand on one of their hands, and slam them together from above.

"Whatever you want, just give the word!" Misato throws in her two cents – as if I wasn't going to do that anyway! I kick Toji away as hard as I could before slamming Shinji down with my elbow to the back of his head. Just as before with Rei, I pull off his back piece.

"This may prove to take some juggling," I speak to myself as I turn to see Toji running at me with full force, "I never was one for morality," sure, it may have been a low blow, but it worked perfectly fine. Nothing like a swift kick to the groin to put a man down for a little while! I turn back around to see Shinji struggling to his feet. He doesn't miss a beat and lunges at me instantly, not giving me time to move away from Toji. I knew this was an issue when we first started fighting, and my fears came true when Toji managed to get back on his feet behind me. The sparring match that I was having with Shinji was impressive and strenuous enough, but now that Toji was back in the fight, I considered myself to be in trouble, "Fine, let's do this!" Toji attacks me at the same time as Shinji, and I was suddenly thrown into a two against one match. I could feel myself falling behind, and I knew that I needed to weed out one of them. I knew Shinji was going to give me the most trouble in the future, so I decided to try and take him out first. I once again kick Toji, sending him as far away as possible and turn back to Shinji.

"Enough!" he snaps out of the surprise and grabs onto my face, "You're nothing more than a nuisance!" I grab onto his arm with one hand and place the other on his chest just as I felt my face burning slightly as Toji described.

"I didn't want to hurt Rei, but I have no issues with making Shinji suffer!" I slam my foot on his to keep him in place while I pull with the arm holding onto his, "Here we go!" after a short time of struggling, I manage to tear off the arm and slam it into his body, sending him flying away. I knew that Toji was probably recovered by now, so I turn to see him just as he was struggling back to his feet, "Sorry about that, but I needed to deal with Shinji for a second. You got my attention now though!" I begin yet another sparring match, but this one made Rei and I look like preschoolers. It was certainly difficult keeping up with him, but I managed to hold my own.

"Asuka! Unit 01 is running towards you!" sometimes, I really wish Misato would just shut up! I can see that!

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got this," as soon as I saw a break in his defense, I take it and send him flying into the ocean once more, "Pathetic. You've been piloting nonstop all these years, and I'm still better than you!" ignoring Toji for a moment, I catch Shinji just as he was drawing back his fist with me in mind, "And you!" falling for the same trick as Rei did, I duck under the punch, grab his arm, and flip him over my back, "What have you been doing this whole time? Playing house?!" just as before, I start to dig through the flesh and bone as quickly as possible, knowing that I don't have much time before Toji gets here.

"Asuka! Toji's coming back – hurry!" finally too annoyed to take Misato's voice any longer, I cut the communication link permanently.

"Come on!" I scream in annoyance and frustration; I know that if Toji gets here before I get Shinji's plug out, he could die from these wounds. With a final push, I see a white speck, telling me that Shinji was right there. As quickly as possible, I tear it out and throw it into the ocean just as Toji tackles me away from Unit 01.

"Play time is over you whore!" he had both of his hands on my face while I was on the ground, and I soon began to feel the burning from before, "This should feel natural for you though, doesn't it?" using all the strength I could muster, I push him off with both feet against his stomach.

"You know…" I stand up as he was landing a few hundred feet away from me, "It's not a good idea to hit a sore spot when fighting someone," he pops back onto his feet, once again coming at me full force, "You might just piss them off!" I turn back on the audio link to Misato, "Misato! Give me another lance!" while the service was quick, I still had to run past Toji to get to the elevator holding it. After dodging a few kicks from him, I manage to get my hands on the weapon, immediately swinging around and throwing it at him. He wasn't quite as lucky as last time.

"Stop turning off the communication link!" then stop talking! I once again shut it off, hopefully for the last time. The lance pierced Toji through the right shoulder and, luckily for me, threw him back hard enough to pin him to the ground.

"Sorry about this Toji!" after forcing off his chest plate – which proved to be much more difficult than with Rei and Shinji. Regardless, I got it off, and I was soon digging through the organic material just as before. My Eva has been covered with blood by now, making me look just slightly like the infected Evas. To my surprise, he managed to fight back, punching me in the ribs with the arm that wasn't bound by the lance. It hurt like hell, just letting him do that to me, but it was a needed evil. I finally got sight of his entry plug and force it out, finally ending this battle.

"Cut it out!" I turn back on the video link only to have Misato yell at me, "There's a reason we can communicate with you!"

"To distract me? It's fine, I won. How are all of the pilots?" she lets out a frustrated grunt.

"They're all fine. Rei is in the ICU right now, but she's okay. Come back down to NERV, we need to make sure your Eva isn't infected at all," wait, there's a chance of that? I didn't want to take any risks, so I follow her commands and step onto the lift, throwing me back down into NERV.

"Well, that was a decent workout… seriously, that was pathetic," my plug was ejected as I spoke to myself, a little annoyed that they called me all the way out just for some fight that could have been avoided if they just left Wrath where it was, "Nice change of pace I suppose."

"Asuka?" I was immediately confronted by Ritsuko when I finally crawled out of the plug, "Great job, but did you feel… different at all?"

"No, why? I something wrong?" don't tell me my Eva got infected!

"No, not at all. Actually, when you were fighting Toji near the end, your sync ratio skyrocketed to one-hundred percent for a few moments; the rest of the fight you were barely at ninety. We're just not sure what happened," something tells me her precious computer is on the fritz. I was moving way to easily out there for anything less than ninety-five… on the other hand, that one hundred is just a little odd.

"Well, that's your job to figure out, now isn't it? Listen, is Rei awake?" as if I didn't already know the answer to that.

"No, but she's fine. Why, do you want to see her? She's in the same unit that you were in; I'd take you, but I have to look more into what happened tonight…" like I need her to show me, I freaking lived in there for a week. With a simple nod, I walk past her and towards the locker room; I might as well get comfortable if I'm going to be here all night. As much as I wanted to go back to Jun's house and finish what we started, I realize that the right thing to do would be to wait here for her to wake up like she did for me when I came back. I can feel the back ache starting already from that damned chair…

After getting changed, I slugged my way down to the long hallway of rooms where I knew she was. Luckily for me, there was only a single room with a light on, guiding me directly to where she was. The view I caught of her wasn't exactly scary, but it was far from settling. An oxygen mask ensured she kept breathing, and various tubes coming out of her arms were doing God – or a PhD – only know what. Outside of this, she looked completely normal; same skin tone, same hair, same everything; I'm not sure why I was expecting different, but it just seems odd to me that she could look this natural. Beginning the first part of what I'm sure was going to prove to be a ten hour wait, I fall back in the chair, take the remote off of her night stand, and begin watching television.

"I must say, I'm a little disappointed in you Rei," I speak to the unconscious girl as I flip through stations, "Toji and Shinji at least put up a fight. You were just a little… well, pathetic, to be honest. Here I thought you were as good or better than me," of course, I guess I proved tonight that I was, by far, the best pilot NERV has, especially since I can take on two other pilots at once, "You and I will definitely be training together in the future – you're not ready to fight anything yet."

"Well, that's just your opinion, now isn't it?" I let out a small yell in surprise and jump out of my skin at Toji's voice.

"What's with you today?!" I hold my once again pounding chest, "And how are you awake this fast?" he was already dressed in a hospital gown and carrying around an IV bag on a vertical stand.

"Jeez, you're jumpy today. I never passed out like she did. I just kind of woke up when they pulled me out of the entry plug… what happened? The last thing I remember was fighting Shinji and… poof, here I am. Did I become one of those things?" he sits down in the chair across the room.

"Yeah, Shinji infected you. By the way, you two need to brush up on your fighting skills – I took on both of you at once and didn't break a sweat," I have to admit, I was a little proud of that!

"Well excuse us if we haven't been trained from birth like you!" I could tell he took it a little personal that I was able to beat him so easily, but he shook it off, "So what are you doing in here anyway? Rei's fine, isn't she?"

"Yeah, she's okay, I just want to wait here for her to wake up. She did it for me when I got back, after all," he nods his head in understanding.

"Makes sense. So… what's new with you?" gotta love the forced conversations!

"Nothing in the least… I mean, I just got home earlier tonight, so it's not like my life has been real eventful lately. What about you?" after all, he has six months to catch me up on.

"Since you've been gone, everything's slowed down a lot. NERV was still up and running, but people weren't really talking to each other, and even when they started to, it was just awkward for awhile… Hikari finally finished her master's, so we got a huge raise in income… oh! I finally stopped with the drugs. I'm three months sober as of two days ago!" he should have been sober this whole time.

"Well good for you! What, did Hikari catch you or something?" he nods with a small laugh, "Figures. Well, it's better that way, and you know it."

"Yeah, I guess so. Still kind of miss it though, it was fun – and you know it too," I try to not admit to those sorts of things, but at the same time, I feel like a liar if I claim to disagree. Therefore, I just kept my mouth shut, "I can see why you're staying away though. Not the healthiest hobby."

"Of course it isn't! Don't be so stupid," I look down at Rei, not wanting to face him with my defense, "Plus, you're a father, you can't be bringing that crap into your house… I don't know how you managed to keep it a secret that long to begin with."

"It's easy when people mind their own business, you know? Plus, don't act like you didn't think about my offer – don't act like you're still not thinking about it either," great, now he's getting all defensive too.

"I'm not saying that I'm better than you Toji, calm down. Yes, I do consider it, okay? But I wouldn't go back, because I know what will happen if I do. For the first time in years, I'm actually genuinely happy, and I'm not going to throw that away," a silence over fell the room, both of us feeling like we've been attacked personally. I still think he was being stupid and selfish about what he was doing, and that opinion isn't going to change, but I also see his point of view. Trying to escape the awkwardness, he makes some excuse of needing to get some sleep and leaves me with Rei once again.

"There's no shame in admitting you need help," at first, I wasn't even sure it was her talking, but her moving lips convinced me otherwise. She opened her eyes to thankfully show them back to their original state, and sent a small smile my way, "Take the world off your shoulders."

"How long have you been awake?" she turns her head back to facing the ceiling.

"Long enough to know that you still desire what almost killed you. Why not just go back to it partially like Toji did?" is this coming from Rei? She can't be serious!

"Rei, you don't understand what that stuff does to your mind. There's no such thing as logic when you're high, so you can't control it as easy as you think. You're a smart girl, you know that," she closed her eyes, giving me the impression that she was annoyed.

"I also know that you replace one addiction with another. What was the first thing you did when you got clean again? Slept with Shinji, wasn't it?" I had to hold back so hard from slapping that girl right then and there, "And now you're with another guy that you got with on the second date? Sounds to me like you have some unresolved issues."

"Sounds to me like you're on the rag," I stand up and begin to walk out of the room, knowing that I would tear into her if she continued.

"Let me guess where you're going…"

"Shut up Rei!" I whip around and yell at her, consciously trying to keep it low so others didn't hear, "You don't know what I do, okay? You don't know what I've been through, you don't know that I've done, and you don't know a damn thing about me!"

"Asuka Langley Soryu, born December 21 to a single mother who was artificially inseminated by a sperm donor, who may or may not have been a scientist. Your mother went insane when you were very young, and you started working for the German branch of NERV on the same day. You moved to Japan at the age of thirteen, fought the Angels, and went into the world of drugs and prostitution at the age of eighteen."

"Rei, enough," I stood there with fists clenched, ready to kill the girl in front of me.

"You stayed this way until you were about twenty-one, and you ran into Shinji by offering him sex before you knew who it was. He took you in, you went through withdrawal, and you went back to the drug house shortly after. Shinji, once again, came to save you."

"I said that's enough…"

"You stayed clean this time, but ended up indirectly killing his girlfriend by forcing her to commit suicide after you slept with Shinji. Predictably, you left him, and started putting out for some other guy… am I on the right track?" I wasn't anywhere close to crying, but I was certainly close to beating the crap out of her, "See, you try to teach me, but in reality, you're the one that needs help."

"You know what Rei? You know why I was trying to help you?" she finally turns to look at me, "Because I know your past as well. Tell me, what do you believe to be the truth?" I don't care about her anymore – why should I protect her from the truth any longer?

"Why… does this matter?" I could tell she was oblivious.

"Well, let me tell you why it matters. You probably think you were raised by your parents or some crap like that, don't you?" she nods, "Yeah, no. Remember that girlfriend of Shinji's you were talking about before? That was you – you're a clone, one of many. You're actually the fourth one. In fact, I grew up with a different Rei, one the same age as me, when we were fighting Angels. How's that feel, huh? To know that you're fourth in line? And let me tell you something," I lean in to her with a small smile, "You're expendable. There's a reason there are clones – if you die in battle, you're just replaced. Think about that for a little bit; think about what it's like to mean absolutely nothing to anyone," with that, I walk out of the room holding up my middle finger in the air directed at her.

Who the hell is she to talk to me like that?! I don't care what she's been through! All I've tried to do since she came along is help her, and that's how she repays me? Telling me off? I mean sure, I understand that she's a teenager and still doesn't have control of her mood swings, but that is absolutely no excuse! She better learn real quickly that what just pulled will get her ass beat in the real world! I guess that's what happens when you try to be nice to someone; they're constantly judging you, even if they're superficially grateful. And the thing that's bugging me the most is that she thought she was giving me this massive revelation – as if I didn't know all of that! I don't claim to be the perfect person, quite the contrary, but I certainly have at least a small bit of wisdom to pass on!

I angrily slam the car door as I get in, roaring it to life and speeding off soon after. It was already twelve in the morning, and while I wanted to just go home and go to sleep, I knew that Jun was worried about me. With any luck, he was already home and waiting for me to come back. I remembered to stop by my apartment to pick up a few certain objects we may need later on, so there's at least that. However, today is turning out to be just an unlucky day for me, as he wasn't home quite yet when I pulled up, leaving me waiting in the car parked on the street. It must have taken him nearly an hour – I was unsure of the time, I stopped checking after half an hour – to finally pull into the driveway. Our eyes met when he was driving up, making both of us smile.

"What the hell was happening up there?" he instantly takes me into a deep hug when we meet, but that didn't stop him from asking questions, "I heard all the commotion, it sounded like a freight train!"

"Yeah, it actually wasn't that big of a deal. A Deviant, Wrath, took over all of the pilots except myself, and I had to fight them off. Luckily, I was more than skilled enough!" it's going to take NERV forever to repair the damage I did…

"I was so worried… wait, you took them all on? At once? Aren't there three more pilots?" we speak as we enter the house, and his twenty questions game begins.

"Yeah. I knocked out the first one alone, but the other two ganged up on me afterwards, so I did have to fight them together. Not really a big deal," it was technically a big deal, but I didn't really want to talk about it. Frankly, I'm not even sure if I'm in the mood to give myself to him right now; my muscles ached earlier today, and now they're just as bad as they were a few days ago. I must have blocked out the pain while fighting, but it's really starting to hit me hard now. I fall back onto the sofa as he sits next to me.

"Are you okay? You seem a little off," apparently he knows me better than I give him credit for sometimes.

"Yeah, I just had a fight with a friend, I don't wanna talk about it…" I hang my head forward and rub the back of my neck, giving myself a mach-massage, "My neck is killing me…"

"Here, turn around," he put his hands on my neck, guided me around, and started to give me a real, relaxing massage, "You just need to relax. You've been through a lot, I think you need a vacation," I just mumble a 'mhm', not really paying attention to him. There's no such thing as a vacation when I'm one of four pilots that the world is depending on.

"That feels amazing…" I swear, I almost fell asleep while he was doing that. I think it only lasted about ten minutes, but it was probably the most relaxing ten minutes I've had in a very long time, "Listen, is it okay if I spend the night here? I don't really want to go home…"

"Well, I was kind of planning on that to begin with, but sure. Are we… um…" I could tell what he was asking, but I just wasn't in the mood at all anymore.

"I'm sorry, I'm just too sore. Can we call a rain check?" I could tell he was annoyed, because he was most likely still well in the mood, but I just simply can't.

"Yeah, don't worry about it. You just want to go into bed now then?" I answered his question by taking his hands while still facing away from him, standing up, and guiding him into the bedroom.

"I hope you don't think I'm teasing if I get comfortable," I wasn't about to sleep in jeans and a constructing t-shirt, but at the same time, I didn't have any lounging clothes here.

"No, go ahead, you're fine," after getting into what has turned into my side of the bed, I take off any outer clothing, leaving only the bra and panties meant to make his day earlier. I can't be entirely sure, but I believe I fell asleep before he was even done turning off the lights. I don't have any recollection of lying down, let alone anything else… it was an amazing sleep. Thankfully, Jun didn't have to work the next day, so when I woke up the next morning, I was still next to him, which was the definition of joy. I woke up at ten thirty to see him still sleeping next to me, sprawled out on the bed like a child.

"Aren't you cute?" he didn't wake up to my whisper, but he did shift a little in a half-sleeping manner. I decided to wake him up in a manner that he'd enjoy, so I started to softly kiss at his neck. It didn't take long for him to wake up, and when he finally did, I took him into a gentle kiss on the lips, "Morning sweetheart," he smiles at me with eyes half open.

"That's better than an alarm any day," I lay my head on his chest, just enjoying his presence a little longer before we had to get up. I'm sure he had things to do today, so he'll have to get out of bed eventually, "Sleep well?" he rubs my bare back with the arm that was around me.

"Yeah, great, thank you. I think I might bring in a few lounging clothes if that's okay so I don't have to do this again," I hear him chuckle a little bit, "I'm sure you're okay with it, but it's not the most comfortable thing."

"Hey, listen, who's Shinji?" where the hell did that come from?

"Shinji? He's my commander and a pilot, why? How do you know that name?" please tell me he saw it on television…

"Well, he came here earlier today. A nice guy and everything, but… he told me a few things," I swear, if he messed this relationship up for me, I'm going to kill him! "Are you sure you don't need any help with the drugs? He said they found tar heroin in your locker… he told me to help you if I could," I immediately sit up, looking down at him in a mix of anger and confusion.

"Seriously? He really told you that?" he just nods with a worried look on his face, "Jun, I'm clean! Why would I go back to that? What he's saying doesn't even make sense!"

"So… what about…" he averts his stare from me and onto some random location across the room.

"What? What else did he say?" it took him what seemed like forever to respond.

"Were you… a prostitute?" that's it! I've had enough of these people meddling in my life! I didn't want to blow up in front of Jun – he probably thinks low enough of me as it is – so I just fall back onto my pillow and look up at the ceiling, "So you were…"

"I wanted to tell you later, I didn't want you to find out like this… yes, I was, it's how I paid for the drugs," nothing but silence from him, "I was going to tell you Jun, really."

"You… don't have anything, do you?" that was the last straw; I got up out of bed and started to get dressed.

"You don't have to worry about anything, I'm clean," I began to speak coldly, knowing that what we had is over, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I didn't want that to be one of the first things I brought up when we got back together," he still kept completely silent, "I'm ashamed of what I did, but I'm not hiding anything. Yes, I was a whore, okay?" I finally get the last of my clothes on while he continued to stare at the wall in silence, "Whatever, if you're not going to talk about this like an adult, I'm out of here," I begin to walk out of the room.

"Asuka, hold on," he gets out of bed and grabs a hold of my arm as I avert my eyes from him, "Listen, I don't like what you've done, I'm not going to lie about that. But you're here now, and I'm grateful for that… just be up front with me, okay? Tell me everything, past and present, so we don't have this issue again," he guides me to sit on the bed.

"First off, I promise you that I'm completely clean now, so I don't know what Shinji is talking about. And secondly, there are a few other things that I haven't told you; Shinji was an ex-boyfriend of mine, but I left him because he was emotionally abusive. What exactly did he tell you? When was he even here?"

"Earlier this morning, you didn't wake up to the doorbell. He just told me what you apparently had in your locker, and when I asked why you would, he told me about your past. I also asked how he knew who I even was… apparently NERV keeps a pretty close eye on you, because he knew everything; when we've met up, when you've spent the night, everything. Now that you told me he's an ex, his behaviors made a lot more sense… he was extremely awkward around me, and kept peeking over my shoulder to see if you were in the house. He's a pretty creepy guy, I have to admit…" yeah, tell me about it.

"Just ignore him, he's nothing more than a jealous ex," I grab a hold of both of his hands, "Here's the gist of my whole story. I fought the Angels, and once they were gone, I went to high school for a little while before dropping out just after senior year started. I got a job as a stewardess, got fired, and became addicted to drugs that same night. This was the next three years of my life. Shinji came along and swooped me up, trying to get me clean, but I fell back into that world soon after. Once again, he came to the rescue, and I've been clean since then. Actually, I think the night we met was my first night out of rehab… but I'm not too sure on that. Oh, and just so you're not freaked out if you see it, remember that girl I was with – Rei?" he just nods his head, now growing used to the facts I was telling him, "Yeah, well, she died, but she was a clone from NERV anyway, so there's another fourteen year old version of her running around now. Just don't act surprised if you see her, and don't tell anyone; that's some confidential stuff even I'm not supposed to know."

"You know," he hangs his head and laughs just slightly, "I've had a few other girls before you, and none of them were even a fraction as interesting… clones? Really? I mean, I'm having trouble believing that, but I guess there's no reason for you to lie about that…" I give him an annoyed look.

"I just tell you a synopsis of my life, and you concentrate on that? If you even knew half of the things that went on in NERV, you'd be blown away. But seriously, are we okay? I mean… what are you thinking right now?" I spoke in an almost pleading manner, which annoyed even me.

"Well, I'm still not a fan of what you used to do… to be completely honest, I'm not sure if I can just forget about that, but like I said, that's not you anymore. As long as you stay away from the drugs, I'm completely content with who you are… just, promise me you'll stay clean?" I just nod with a smile, "Okay then, that's good enough for me. Now… I suppose it's my turn, isn't it?"

"Your turn for what?" feeling the weight of the world fall off my shoulders, I lay back onto the bed in my spot as he follows suit.

"To come clean with things in my past. I mean, it's nothing quite like what you had, but I do have a pretty big skeleton in my closet," he takes hold of my hand as we both look up at the ceiling.

"You don't have to tell me, it really doesn't matter. I'm a very in-the-moment kind of person, I don't care what you've done."

"No, I want to tell you. See, when I was in college, for my bachelor's that is, I had a girlfriend of three years that I was planning on marrying. However, she turned out to be a tramp; she cheated on me the entire time that we were together, so that fell through. I kind of lost my temper with her, and I ended up getting arrested for it. No, I didn't lay a finger on her, but she claimed I did, so that's what's on my record," that's it? I come out with my world of prostitution and drugs and all he has is a domestic abuse case?

"That's… really nothing compared to mine, I have to say, so I don't care," he lets out a small laugh before replying.

"Didn't know we were having a competition here… I just wanted to tell you, because you just told me about yourself," give a little, take a little I suppose, "So about that Shinji guy… has he always been such a… well, a douche?" I couldn't help but laugh.

"Why? What'd he do?"

"He actually started off the conversation by saying 'So, you're Asuka's new toy?' I mean, who does that? And just his tone as a whole was rude. How'd you even end up with a guy like that?" I wasn't about to go through the whole story, but he deserves at least a small summary.

"Well, he used to be a great guy. Like, really great, but in the three years I was gone, he changed a lot," I randomly get out of bed halfway through the sentence, "I think it's about time I go down to NERV and see who put that heroin in my locker, or to see if there's even drugs to begin with. Tell you what," I grab my keys off of his nightstand as I begin to walk out, "I have a new pack of you-know-whats in my car. What about you and I try to put a dent in that later on?" I didn't let him respond before I left the room. I'd rather have him sit on that for awhile!

While on the outside I have calmed down, I was still angry beyond belief at Shinji. Even if there had been drugs in my locker, who is he to tell Jun all of that? Who is he to even be keeping an eye on me like that? I mean sure, that made sense when we were kids, but not when we're this old! I stop by my apartment before going to NERV for a change of clothes – nothing special, just a new pair of jeans and a white t-shirt. It took me a few minutes to get there due to the morning traffic, but when I finally did, I found that the car lift was currently in use.

"Isn't that convenient?" ugh, this is going to take forever… unfortunately, my thinking was correct, and I was left sitting there for over half an hour before the empty car lift showed up. I immediately took my place on there, and I was soon landing down to see Misato working over some technician at a desk, probably training them. I knew she'd be willing to help, so I went straight to her, "Misato?" she leans up and smiles at me warmly.

"Hey Asuka, what's up?" doesn't sound like she knows…

"I actually have a question for you. Shinji came over to my boyfriend's house today and told him a few… things. Like, completely inappropriate. He told him about my past, and even something about heroin in my locker, which I know for a fact isn't there. Have you heard anything about that?" she looked completely confused, answering my question right away.

"Shinji? He hasn't even been around since we got him out of the plug. He insisted on leaving right away, he didn't even stop by the hospital. But, even if you did have something in your locker, that's personal property – we can't go through it unless it could cause harm to other members. Why would he lie about something like that?" because he's a jealous prick!

"I think he's just jealous. He knows that I'm with another man, so he's all protective… I don't like it one bit though, especially when he pulls that. So I take it he's not here, huh?" she just purses her lips and shakes her head, "Great, so I waited that whole time for nothing…"

"Yeah, sorry. Listen, have you spoken to Rei lately? She's been quite a problem since you left last night, and we were wondering what happened," if she only knew the half of it!

"We got in a fight last night. Hell, she was worse than Shinji last night! I almost went after her, I swear… why? What has she been doing?"

"Just refusing treatment, even getting physical at some points. Do you want to try and talk to her? Maybe if you two worked something out, she'd get better," what am I, her councilor?

"I don't think she wants to talk – she's the one that started the fight yesterday. Just let her calm down, I think she's just having one of those teenage moments. It'll pass," something tells me that this'll be a long time passing, but she'll certainly get over it, "But listen, I'm going to speak to Shinji, I'll see you later," not really giving her a chance to respond, I get back in my car as the elevator soon started to rise once again. I didn't exactly want to go to Shinji's place, but I needed to clear this up right away. Almost on autopilot, I go to his house and see that he was home, indicated by the car in his driveway. I knew the front door was open, but I didn't have the rapport needed to just walk in anymore.

"Coming, coming," he answers to the knocking by yelling, obviously on the other side of the house. The instant he opens the door, I greet him with a swift slap to the face.

"Who do you think you are coming into my business like that?! And lying about the drugs? Are you kidding me?" I took him a moment to look up at me, now with a red cheek, only to come back with silent anger of his own.

"Asuka, come in here for a moment," he walks into the house and turns into his bedroom.

"I'd rather wait out here," I don't trust him in the least right now – there's no way I'm going in there alone. I could hear him shuffling through some things as he spoke.

"Well then, it appears to me like you're out of luck then, because I won't talk about this where the whole world can hear," his voice was extremely sarcastic, only making me angrier. Without really thinking, I storm into the house, slamming the door on my way in. Not like he could – or would – do anything to me.

"I'm sick of your attitude!" I go into his room to see various items all over the bed, but all under a blanket, concealing their identities. He was standing there, just waiting for me… creepy… "What do you think you're doing now?"

"I had a little chat with Toji last night – the topic of conversation was you. Tell me, how badly do you miss the drugs?" we're back to this again? I can't believe Toji told him what we spoke about! "Because for you to have enough desire to speak to him about it is… quite interesting."

"I'd never go back to that. What's this about?" I could feel my heart start to race as he walked towards me, still completely emotionless, "Shinji, I'm serious, don't mess around."

"Oh, I'm serious too," I back up as he walked towards me, clenching my fist in preparation for whatever may happen. What's going on with him? "Why don't you do me a favor?" my back hits the wall as he places his hand right next to my head, essentially pinning me back.

"Shinji, if you don't back off, I swear…" even I could hear the fear in my voice. I've never seen him like this, and it's scaring the crap out of me… is he really this obsessed with me?

"What, you think I'm going to hurt you?" he finally breaks a sarcastic smile, "I'd never hurt a princess like you," he slides the back of his hand down my cheek, and I instantly grab his wrist, making his smile fade slowly, "Just go look under the sheet."

"I'm not doing crap for you," I begin to walk away, but was soon stopped by him slamming his hand on the other side of my head, locking me up against the wall, "What do you think you're doing? Get off of me!" I finally muster some anger in my voice, but it did absolutely nothing. I knew I shouldn't have come in here…

"I'm not asking," he moves out of the way, but smoothly blocks the door in doing so, "Go."

"Fine, whatever," I finally decide to just play his game. He's made it clear that he's not going to touch me, so there's really nothing he can do. With a quick motion, I tear off the sheet covering the small pile of objects, only to reveal what he's been trying to torment me with this whole time. A small pile, about the size of a CD player, was formed by various tools of the trade for druggies; baggies of the material, pipes, syringes, lighters, and so on, 'What's this supposed to be?" I whip around in anger to see him standing right behind me, still with that cold face.

"Toji said you told him you wanted a hit of something, right? Well, there you go; this was all in your locker. How pathetic are you that you have to carry this crap around?"

"This isn't mine! I don't care what you say, I know what I've done, and I had nothing to do with this!" he just stared at me for a moment, completely silent, before responding.

"Why don't you just go back?" he makes a sudden move, and I feel a sharp pain in my thigh shoot through my leg, "It's all your good at," instinctively, I landed a punch on his face, sending him to the floor. I look down at my leg to see an empty syringe sticking out through the denim.

"What the hell?!" I rip it out and lunge at him, grabbing him by the collar, "What did you just do?! What was in that?" he responds with a simple smile, "Shinji! What did you put in me?!"

"What you've been asking for," I don't remember much beyond that; I began to feel the familiar effects, got dizzy, and passed out. I tried struggling, I really did, but he just put way too much in me… I couldn't hold on past a few seconds.

I always hated waking up from a drug-induced sleep. It's by far the worst feeling in the world – you don't want to open your eyes, you don't want to move, and you certainly don't want to face what's around you. This applied directly to this situation; I was awake long before I actually opened my eyes… I'd say about five minutes. It was completely silent around me, and I couldn't really feel anything else. I was on the floor, which I assumed to be still in Shinji's room, and it was freezing cold. However, I just attributed that to me coming down from the drug once again… how long has it been? I know that I'm not high, but I can still feel some kind of effect that's not particularly familiar. When I finally summed up the courage to open my eyes, I was met with a nearly pitch-black room, lighted only by a small window above me that let in a small amount of light. It was night, and the light was obviously from a street light.

"What the hell?" I force myself to my feet, noticing that I had extremely shaky legs as I did so, "Where am I?" I look around the room to see absolutely nothing around me; it was just an empty, unfamiliar room without a piece of furniture or anything else in it. As I was looking around, I realized why exactly it was that I was cold – not a single piece of cloth covered my body, and the cool night air was leaking in through the thin window. I let out a small yelp when I realize the situation, and I tried covering myself as best as possible with my arms. I jump once again as the door opens to show a silhouette of a person against a bright light.

"Aw, seriously? She would wake up when it's my turn!" he slams the door shut, and I hear a faint arguing in the background… what did he mean 'my turn'? What did he mean…?

A/N – Ugh, I so want to post this chapter, but you guys aren't reviewing! As of right now, chapter 15 is up on FF, and I can't wait for you guys to read this! Whatever, you'll get there eventually. So, this chapter took a loooong time to get to the point, but I like it. What about you? Check out the next chapter, Tunnel; until then, keep on keepin' on!


	20. Tunnel

Chapter 20: Tunnel

A/N – Wow, you guys are really catching up to me with the reviews. This is the last chapter I have written ahead of time, so don't expect such steady updates like you've been getting. I'll try to keep up as much as possible!

"Aw, seriously? She would wake up when it's my turn!" he slams the door shut, and I hear a faint arguing in the background… what did he mean 'my turn'? What did he mean…? I suddenly felt a dull soreness coming from my entire lower hip area, which brought tears to my eyes as I stood there, alone, in the dark.

"Oh God…" I fall to my knees and cover my mouth, worried I may vomit. The more I focus on it, the more pain radiates from the area that's making me nauseous. I couldn't stand, I couldn't move, and I couldn't comprehend the situation; all I knew was the mental anguish that was going on, and I couldn't take it.

"Heh, so you are awake," another man walks through the door and stares down at me. I couldn't muster so much as a glance at him; the only things my eyes could fix on were my bare thighs against this dirty carpet background, "It's okay, I don't like ragdolls anyway," he closed the door and I hear him begin to take off his belt.

"Get away…" even I could barely understand the words that came out of my mouth, and I'm sure he couldn't hear me.

"Don't fight me too much, I'm not in the mood," I still wasn't looking at him, but I could hear him kick away the jeans he was wearing.

"I said get away…" I managed to speak up a little bit more, but he either didn't hear me or completely ignored me, because he made his way behind me and knelt down to my level. He ran his hands over my bare shoulders, making me shiver uncontrollably.

"So what, you gonna make this easy on me?" he moves his hands down to my thighs, gently pushing them apart and moving towards a more sacred area. At first, I couldn't move at all; I wanted to so badly, but I just couldn't muster anything. However, when he finally used his fingers to enter me, and I felt a horribly sharp pain, I managed to make the needed movements.

"I said no!" I swing around and elbow him, sending him falling to the floor. I struggle to my feet and look down at him; he got up nearly as quickly as I did and grabbed my arm extremely firmly.

"Whoa! Calm down girl! Just relax!" I tried to pull away, but he easily overpowered me by grabbing onto my other arm, "Can someone bring in another hit please? She's feisty!" the smile on his face told me he saw this as a game, and my screaming only enhanced his pleasure. Yet another man came in soon after he called out, and I felt a sharp pain shoot into my shoulder.

"Get off!" with a huge burst of power, I manage to throw him off of me and run out of the room. With tears streaming down my face, I managed to find the door and jet outside only to see the neighborhood that I entered my adult life in. there was a group of men in there… did they all do it? I ran down the street screaming for help – I could hear the men chasing after me, and catching up. A car turned the corner a few blocks ahead, heading towards where I was. I started waving my arms frantically, screaming all the while, and praying that this was a decent human being willing to help me. The car screeched to a halt on the road, and the person hurried out of the driver's side. I tried to focus on the person's face, but the three men tackled me to the ground before I could do that.

"Get off her!" one of the men stands up and pulls out a small handgun. Two shots were fired, but it did not come from his power; he fell backwards, making the two other men leap up and reach behind them, apparently reaching for guns themselves. Just like the other man, they were both shot before they could reach the guns, "Asuka!" a woman hurries around the car to reveal Misato's face.

"Th-They…" she leans down, wraps her jacket over my shoulders, and takes me into a deep hug.

"Shhh, it's okay, you're safe," I cried as silently as possible into her shoulder. I could feel a slight dizziness overwhelm me out of nowhere, and I knew what they had injected me with.

"They… hit me up… with a syringe…" I speak through my sobbing, warning her that I'm not going to be of stable mind very soon.

"Come on, let's get you home," she guided me to my feet and into her car, where she sped off down the direction she came. I tried to cover myself up as much as possible with her jacket in embarrassment, but what I really wanted to hide was my sobbing. I was crying like a baby, and I just couldn't stop… I was hurting so bad…

"What did they do…? What did they do to me?!" I scream into my knees after I brought them up to my chest.

"Asuka, shhh, you're okay," she puts her hand on my shoulder, only making me squirm worse.

"Tell me what they did! Tell me what they did to me!" she just stayed silent and removed her hand, "Why does it hurt…?" I wanted her to say something! To say anything! Say that they raped me, say that they mutilated me, say something! But she didn't… she just sat there, completely silent as she drove, "Shinji did this to me…" I break the silence through my crying, "He shot me up, he put me there!" she still didn't say a word, confirming my accusations, "That bastard!" I scream so loudly my voice actually gives out for a moment.

"Don't think about that right now," she pulls up into my apartment and hurries out of the car, opening my car door and guiding me out, "Come on, let's get you dressed," I could hear the disgust in her voice… she's looking down on me, just like all the others. Without a word and tears still coming down from my eyes, I close my bedroom door to get dressed, not wanting her to look at me any longer. I couldn't help but look at myself in the mirror… pathetic…

I got dressed in a pair of sweat pants and t-shirt fairly quickly. I hear her talking on the phone when I exit my room, but she hung up before I managed to get any information out of her. I assume she was calling in the three people she probably just killed. I look at the clock to see it was three in the morning, telling me that I've been gone all day… no one came looking for me?

"Asuka, come on, let's get you to bed. You need sleep," I sit on the sofa, completely avoiding any eye contact with her.

"No…" she sits next to me and once again puts her hand on my shoulder, "I said no!" at this point, I've screamed so much that my voice is starting to give out, "Just leave me alone!" I curl up into a ball, trying to block out the rest of the world. I knew that I was feeling the effects of the drug, but she should know that too!

"I'll leave you alone, but I'm staying here," in a stand of stubbornness, she leans back onto the sofa as if she was completely relaxed, "When you're ready to talk, I'm here," a long pause over fell the room, the only sound being my occasional sniffling through crying.

"Misato…" she didn't respond, "Call Jun for me…"

"Jun? Is that your boyfriend?" I mustered a small nod, "I don't think that's a good idea right now. He can wait until tomorrow morning."

"He's probably up right now worried about me… please…" I could hear my words slurring, and I knew that I wasn't thinking straight. He would only worry worse if I called him myself, "Tell him I'm okay. Just say… I don't know, something," with a deep sigh she stands up, "His number is next to the phone," after a few moments of dialing and waiting for him to pick up, she began to speak.

"Yes, is this Jun?" she didn't look at me as she spoke – she probably still saw this as a bad idea, "This is Misato Katsuragi, I'm calling on behalf of Asuka. She's fine, she was just in a training accident. Nothing to worry about; she would have called you herself, but the doctors won't allow her to use the phone. She will most likely be out by tomorrow morning, so she will contact you then… yeah, she's okay… no, there's nothing to worry about… okay then, have a good night."

"Thank you," I speak up as soon as she hung up. I'll have to tell him about what happened tomorrow, but it's just too much tonight… hell, I want him here with me now… "Can you please leave? I just want to be alone."

"Okay, okay, fine, but I'm going to have a NERV agent keep an eye on this place. You're not in the right state of mind," a monkey could have seen that. She left without anything else, finally giving me what I wanted. Well, I didn't exactly want to be alone – I wanted her specifically to leave. No sooner did I hear her drive off was I up, dialing Jun's number. Originally, I was going to just let him sleep, but I need him so badly right now…

"Hello?" I began to cry once again the moment I heard his voice, and I knew he could hear my shaking breath over the line.

"I really need you right now Jun… please…" I didn't want him to hear me cry over the phone!

"Asuka? Is that you?"

"Yeah… come to my apartment, please… please, Jun…" I knew I sounded pathetic, but I couldn't care less. I need someone that genuinely cares about me to help…

"Okay, I'm coming, hold on," he immediately hung up, and within five minutes I see the headlights of his car pull up to my apartment. I open the door for him, and he instantly took me into a deep hug, "What happened? Are you okay? Some woman named Misato told me that you were injured," I bury my face in his shoulder, and I once again lose control over my sobbing.

"I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry…" he closes the door and holds me tight, unsure of what exactly he should be doing.

"Sorry for what Asuka? What happened?" I hug him as tightly as possible as I cry, trying to muster the courage to tell him.

"They raped me… they all raped me… it hurts so badly!" I could hear him gasp over my screaming, only making this worse, "I can still feel them inside me!" he rubbed my back, still silent, "They shot me up with heroin before I left… I'm still feeling it…" I tried my hardest to stop the crying, which resulted in only my screaming stopping.

"Asuka, who raped you? Shinji?" I just shake my head.

"A group of guys… at least ten of them…" him being here was only making me feel worse! I let out a scream of frustration as I slide to the floor in front of him. I stay there, on my knees, and cover my face with my hands, "I can't take this!" he leans down next to me and wraps his arms around me.

"Asuka, calm down, I'm here. You're safe," I frantically shake my head.

"My life is hell Jun! When have I ever had anything go my way? My childhood was spent working for NERV, my mother killed herself in front of me, I spent three years as a whore, and just when I was starting to get happy, I went through six months of constant torture… and now this!" I cry for a short time more into my own hands before speaking, "I just want to die…"

"Enough, stop talking like that. You're a strong woman, you can fight through this."

"People have been telling me that my whole life, but when is it enough? When will I get a break from this hell?" he had no answer for me, predictably, "My life is just horrible… I hate living…"

"But you have me," I finally look up at him to find him wearing a fake smile, "I'm here for you, no matter what, so regardless of what you go through, you know you have me to fall back on," he takes my hand and continues that smile, "I love you, Asuka," that's the first time he's ever said that to me… "I know this sounds stupid, and I know we've barely begun our relationship, but I love you," I bury my face in his chest, muttering those same three words back to him.

"Don't leave me Jun… I need you here tonight…" I feel him nodding, "Thanks…"

The majority of that night was spent either crying on the bed into his shoulder, staring up at the ceiling in complete silence while he slept, or having horrible nightmares of what had happened the night before. Needless to say, there was no way I was anywhere near rested the next morning, and the dried tears on my face reminded me that everything wasn't a dream. Jun was still lying next to me, quietly snoring as he faced the wall. That morning, I saw everything just a little different; everything seemed more… dull. I saw no life in anything, and even my own mind was completely blank. It wasn't a happy place, to say the least.

"What did he do to me?" I rub the bruise caused by Shinji injecting me with God only knows what. I was still sore where I was violated, which made me want to cry – I didn't have any tears left. I put my hand on Jun's shoulder and try to nudge him awake, "Hey, Jun, wake up," it was already ten in the morning, so he should be more than rested enough.

"Hm?" he rolls over with half open eyes, "Oh, Asuka…" he sits up and rubs his eyes, "You okay?"

"Not really… I was just wondering if you…" I couldn't even come up with a lie, "I just wanted to talk."

"Yeah, no problem," he speaks through a long yawn, "What's up?" I didn't even want to talk about anything in particular; I just needed some form of human interaction.

"Nothing… are you mad at me?" that sounded a thousand times more subtle in my head.

"Huh? What do you mean?" I could tell he was still half asleep, which made this a little easier.

"I mean, are you mad at me? For what I've done? For who I am? For what happened?" I'm certainly mad at myself for all of that, why wouldn't he be?

"What happened wasn't your fault," he takes hold of my hand, "You know that," the problem is that I don't. When I think about it, every single bad thing in my life is my own fault… every single aspect…

"I guess…" I didn't want to have that argument right now, "Listen, I have a few things to take care of over at NERV. Thanks for coming over last night, I appreciate it," I crawl out of bed and begin to head towards the bathroom. I knew I was being cold, but I had no other emotion right now… how am I supposed to be cordial right now? I don't even like being in my own skin right now, let alone other people liking me.

My shower was the longest one since… the beginning… the beginning of this life of mine. I wasn't in here quite as long as the other one, but it certainly felt like it. Just as before, the cold water began quite some time ago, and I've been sitting on the floor of this tub for the longest time, just letting the water beat down on my head and stream down into the drain. I was in a ball, as I was completely unable to look at my own body. I've been staring at the constant stream of water pour down the drain for quite some time now; I so wish that I was one of those drops of water. I could just leave this body, this world, this pain, and escape it all to start anew. When I realized that this wasn't even close to being possible, I closed my eyes… I couldn't stand the envy any longer.

I'm sure that I've been in here for at least two hours – most likely longer – and I was finally starting to get a headache from the constant beating of cold water. Jun has checked in on me about four times now, each time calling out 'Are you okay?' only to be met with a simple 'Yes.' I'm sure he was thinking that I was in here dead, razor blade slices to each wrist and letting myself bleed out into a full tub… and I certainly considered that. The only reason I'm not dead right now is because I wouldn't want him to find me in here. Actually, that may have been why I called him over here last night… whatever, it doesn't matter anymore. On autopilot, I stand up, turn off the water, and begin to dry myself off, taking care to never look in the mirror. I'm nothing but an ugly whore, and no one needs to see that… not even these eyes…

Still moving without a bit of emotion or thought, I walk out of the bathroom, still drying off my hair and heading towards my room where Jun was still laying, staring up at the ceiling. I begin to get dressed in attire that I know wouldn't label me as this depressed victim – I need to retain at least a small amount of dignity. I could tell that Jun was confused as to why I came out of the bathroom without so much as a towel on, but it made perfect sense to me; everyone else has gotten a piece of this body, so why bother hiding it anymore? I wonder just how much of Tokyo has been inside me…

"Don't wait up, I'll be awhile," I speak to him as I slide on a straight black skirt that reached just above my knees, "I'll keep you updated throughout the day so you don't have to worry… though I don't know why you would," I mumble the last part under my breath to where he couldn't hear it.

"I don't want you going out so soon…"

"So soon after what?" I ask the rhetorical question as I button up the white blouse, "I'm used to this, remember? Shinji told you all about it," he went to say something, but I cut him off before he even began, "You may not want to touch me much, I don't know what those guys could have given me. I'm going to the hospital at NERV to have some tests run to see if I'm clean or not," I walk out of the room before he can respond. The drive to NERV was a slow one, which gave me time to think about what exactly happened between Shinji and me yesterday. Did he drop me off at that house? Is he really that vengeful that he'd set me up like that? How could anyone hate another person that much? It's just beyond me…

The car lift down was an extremely awkward one. It felt as if everyone in NERV was looking at me, even though I knew they were all busy doing their own work. Somehow, Misato managed to meet me just as I was getting out of the car, and took me into a hug right away.

"How are you sweetie?"

"I'm not ten, you don't have to talk down to me," I didn't return her hug, and instead just stood there, "I want to talk to Shinji."

"Listen, I can assure you he's in isolation right now, but I don't think that you're in the right state of mind to-"

"My mind is fine!" my voice echoed through the large room, causing more than a few people to look as I pull away from her hug, "There's nothing wrong with me, okay? Okay?" she had a sincere look of worry on her face in response to my pure anger, "I'm perfectly fine… now take me to Shinji."

"Asuka, I just can't do that. Please, can you talk to Hikari?" I slap her just as I did Shinji yesterday.

"I don't need any help, especially from some shrink!" I lean into her and begin to whisper, "Take… me… to… Shinji…" I could tell that she was angry at me now, and she began to walk without a word. I assumed she was guiding me to Shinji, so I just followed her. We went down a hallway that I've never seen before, and were soon in a prison resembling a museum; the cells were nothing but thick, impact resistant glass with air holes in them. Cell after cell was empty, and at the very end of them was the first one with a light on.

"There you go, we'll be watching," she leaves me with Shinji, who was just sitting on the bench staring at the ground.

"Don't pretend like you don't know I'm here," he didn't move a muscle, "Look at me you…" I bite my bottom lip to avoid saying something I'd regret, "Look at me!" my voice rang through the hallway, finally forcing him to look at me, "What did you do yesterday?"

"What did I do?" he put an emphasis on the pronoun, acting as if he did nothing, "You mean what did you do."

"You're the one that hit me up with a bad batch of heroin… don't even try and blame this on me in your twisted little mind," he stands up, now wearing a smile, and walks towards the window, meeting me eye to eye, "Do you have any idea what they did to me?"

"Yeah, I have quite a good idea of it," he leans in towards me and begins to whisper, "I was first," I take a step back as my eyes shoot open, "You can think what you want, but you weren't passed out. You were begging for more and more… sure, you did pass out by the eighth guy, but you just said you were tired."

"You… I'll kill you!" I lunge at the glass, of course being stopped by it. I was so close to him… no more than two inches, and I couldn't lay a finger on him!

"I always knew that you liked sex, but to beg for more! You're so pathetic, you're worse than a whore," I punch the glass where his face was, "I remember how you used to be such a n innocent, proud girl. You wouldn't let anyone control any aspect of your life, and here you are, blaming someone else for your downfalls once again. It truly is sad."

"I want you to leave me alone, do you understand? You're going to prison for this, and you're going to rot…" I start to walk away the moment I felt tears starting to form.

"You go ahead and keep thinking that. See you next sync test – I can't wait to see that tight little body of yours in a plug suit!" I wanted to turn around so badly, but I just couldn't. he continued to heckle me as I left, but his voice eventually turned into inaudible echoes. I hate him so much! Why does he have to act like that? He used to be such a great person! Like it matters why he's acting like this, the point is that he is…

"You shouldn't have gone in there," as I leave the hallway, I see Rei leaning up against the wall opposite to me.

"I'm not in the mood Rei," I try to leave her, but, as expected, she simply wouldn't let me.

"Did you enjoy it?" I can't take this anymore! I'm sick of it! What have I done to these people to make them hate me so much? Can't they see I'm in enough torment as it is?

"Rei!" I whip around and glare at her, "I don't know what your issue is, but you need to cut it out!" she simply stares at me with that blank expression, "I've had enough of your crap!" letting out my anger from both her and Shinji, I grab hold of her collar and bring her close to my face, "Do you know what they did to me?!"

"Shinji slipped you a drug, big deal. Not like that's foreign to you…" she averts her stare from me to the wall, acting as if she didn't care in the least.

"They raped me! Do you hear me? At least ten men raped me, and God only knows what they gave me!" she just stayed silent, "You have no idea what it's like to be violated like that! It hurts to even walk, do you understand?"

"You enjoy the attention…" I finally raise up my hand to punch her, only to have it grabbed by a firm, callused hand.

"That's enough," I turn to see Kaji looking down at me with a cold stare, "You don't understand the situation, leave her be," without ceasing my hating glare at Kaji, I drop Rei; she runs off soon after, obviously scared.

"So, you're against me too, aren't you?"

"Quite the contrary, I'm trying to help. I'm sorry for what happened, but two things need to happen here. One, you're going to see some help – you can say anything you want, but you're not mentally okay right now, even if it's extreme stress. Secondly, you're going to ignore the others for now, because they can't help what they say," I give him a strong gesture telling him exactly where to shove it, "Such horrid actions for a sweet girl. Listen, this is not to leave our secrecy, but Wrath's attack still isn't over. We found this out last night during the pilot's evaluation; there are still traces of the Deviant in their brain waves."

"You're kidding me…" for the first time all day, my mind drifted away from yesterday, "What's NERV going to do about it? Can it be fixed?" my complete and total anger to all three of them turned into pity.

"We don't know. It seems like the Deviant is only allowing them to express anger, nothing else; every negative feeling or thought they've ever had for you is coming out. It seems as though they're only targeting you, however… we're unsure about that. The important part is that you need to stay away from them. As Shinji demonstrated, they're obviously capable of more than verbal abuse," I avert my eyes from him as he brought up what happened. He put his hand on my shoulder, "Listen, I'm sorry about what happened. We should have kept a closer eye on you," when I don't respond, he took me into a gentle hug.

"You know everything?" I feel him nod slowly, "I can't stop thinking about it Kaji… people keep telling me that it'll be okay, but I just don't feel that…" I knew he's the only person that won't beat around the bush with me, so he's by far the best person to talk to.

"You shouldn't. I'm not going to pretend to know where you're at right now," he leans away from the hug and looks down at me like a father does to a child, "But I do know that you can't handle this on your own. You've been through too much to bottle it up anymore."

"I don't want people to think I'm incapable of handling situations… I'm strong, you know that," he lets out a small laugh.

"Yes, I certainly do. But I also know that even the strongest people can't always handle everything. Just talk to Hikari a couple times, okay?" after a moment of consideration, I nod my head, trying to avoid any form of eye contact, "So, a little bird tells me you have yourself a boyfriend. Is that true?" he tries to change the topic of conversation, which actually worked quite well. We began to walk towards the cafeteria, and I follow him reluctantly.

"Yeah, his name's Jun. We haven't been dating for long, but he's amazing. I can't explain it, but he's just a great person to be with," while Kaji may be wise in his own sense, he's certainly not the person to talk to about relationship advice. Still, he asked, so I should tell him.

"Well, that's good. How's he feel about you?" ah, there's the million dollar question.

"I hope he's as crazy about me as I am about him, but I guess only time will tell. What about you and Misato?" he runs his hands through his hair with an annoyed smile.

"Well, she's mad at me again, big surprise. She's so passive aggressive sometimes… well, at least Kei is still on my side," I assume that's their daughter?

"Let me guess, daughter? How old is she?" I remember Misato telling me that they adopted, but I don't remember any details if she told me.

"Oh, Kei? Yeah, she's turning five in about a month. We adopted her when she was two, and it took her awhile to warm up to us, but she did eventually. She tends to be more comfortable around me, but Misato is certainly the mother figure," I could tell by his voice that he was proud of his family. It's about time those two settled down together! "You need to meet her – she actually reminds me of you. Real fiery, you know?"

"Heh, yeah. Of course, Misato's probably rubbing off on her," we enter the empty cafeteria, and he leads the way to one of the windows with an actual person taking orders.

"What do you want? I'm paying," he speaks in a sarcastic voice – we both know this food is free!

"Surprise me," as he was ordering, I became a little discouraged after looking at him closer. What used to be such a handsome man has grown up a little; slight crow's feet, barely noticeable gray hairs, and just the way he holds himself screams middle age. Don't get me wrong, he's certainly still handsome, but nothing like what he used to be. Of course, I'd venture to say that I used to be prettier, so I'm not one to talk.

"Hopefully you like sea food," he turns around holding two bowls of noodles and shrimp, "Seriously, they need to get a new menu in here… a burger never hurt anyone," he sits down at the table, and I take my place across from him, "So, here's what we're planning on doing with the other three," he apparently still lacks manners… he begins to eat as he talks.

"So you guys have a plan after all," he nods before speaking.

"Like I said, we don't know exactly what's happening with them, but we're going to essentially try to jumpstart their brains. If we stop all brain activity – all of it – the Deviant may have nothing to hold onto and simply dissipate. It'll work in theory, but we don't know until we try it," God, this food is disgusting… could they add more salt?

"So what, you're going to kill them?" I say that in a joking manner, but he replies with a nod, "Wait, what? You can't be serious!"

"It's the only way. I'm not going to say it's not dangerous, because it certainly is. The MAGI claim that Rei has a five percent chance of death, Toji has a fifteen percent, and Shinji has… well, I don't know how you'll feel about this, but he has a sixty percent chance of death," the sad part is that I'm not sure how I felt about that either… now that I know what he did wasn't actually him, I can't say what I want for him. I mean, he was horrible before this attack, but not so much so that I want him dead… at least, I don't think so.

"Sixty?" he simply nods, staring down at his food, "And there's no other way?"

"Well, he's by far the worst among the three, so this will most likely be the only way," an awkward silence fell over both of us. I knew how he felt about the situation, but the way I felt almost scared me a little. I mean, I should hope for the best of all people, right? Yet here I am, almost hoping that he doesn't make it through the procedure… maybe Kaji's right, perhaps my mind isn't where it should be.

"Not like it matters, it has to be done. When are you all going to do it?"

"Most likely later on tonight. We've kept them here thus far to observe them, and they're only confirming our suspicions. I know that you probably have some hard feelings towards her, but I'm sure Rei's going to need to talk to you when this is all over. She's closer to you than you think."

"No, I know. I mean, I realize what's going on, not like she has to apologize or anything…" even though she apparently feels at least some of these things that she's said to me, I can overlook that. We all have our unsung emotions.

"I don't think you do know. You may be unaware of this, but as of right now, Misato is her official guardian. She stops by her apartment twice a day to check on her, but Rei is just so distant to all people… except you, that is. Almost right before you supposedly died, Rei actually put in a request to Gendo that her guardian be switched from Misato to you," he can't be serious! I've made it extremely clear to her that I'm not her mother!

"Seriously? What, I'd check up on her twice a day? I usually see her that often anyway," he chuckles as he shakes his head.

"Remember how you and Shinji lived with Misato, and not by yourself in some rundown apartment?" he better not be about to suggest what I'm thinking… "The only reason she lived by herself back then was because of her proximity to NERV. It's not like that anymore. Gendo begged Misato to take Rei into our home, but both Misato and Rei refused that. Well, if you were to accept her, you and Rei would be moved into an actual home and live together with you as her guardian," he can't be serious! I can't take on that kind of responsibility!

"I… don't think that's such a great idea. I mean, I'm not exactly guardian material," I have to admit, I don't think that I'd particularly mind that…

"I beg to differ. Sure, you may be in a tough place right now, but I think you'd do a great job, especially after what you've done just to help her for no reason at all. I'm sure her offer still stands – what do you say? You would get to move out of the apartment and into a real house, and NERV would give you a monthly check to support her. All you have to do is essentially guide her," I can't believe this is actually happening… what about Jun? What would he think?

"Well… can I talk to her tonight after the procedure?" God, this is absolutely crazy!

"Yeah, yeah, of course. Ritsuko gave her the forms she would need to fill out, so she probably still has them at her apartment. She'll head straight home afterwards, so you can talk to her then," he stands up, making me notice that his food was gone, "Well, that's it for me. I have a few things to do, so I'll talk to you later. Feel free to come over and find me anytime if you need to talk again," he begins to walk away and holds up a hand, "Hikari will keep in touch!"

"Great…" I mutter to myself as I take another bite.

I took my sweet time eating, allowing myself plenty of time to think about what Rei wants. I mean, superficially, it sounds like a great idea. But what about deeper than that? Am I really the type of person to have a child's life in my hands? Sure, I give her advice every now and then, but I just don't think that I'm good enough to completely take care of her. Hell, I don't even know how to cook for her! I suppose I could at least give it a try, no? I mean, if it doesn't work out, couldn't I just revoke my decision? I'm sure I could… I don't think I would though.

"I heard you and Kaji talking before," I jump out of my skin as a stack of papers were thrown in front of me and Ritsuko's voice breaks the silence, "Excuse me for butting in, but you may want this. It's all the paperwork you need to fill out if you plan on taking her in as your own," I pick up the thick stack and finger through it.

"Don't talk like that – she still won't be my daughter," all this information? Social security number, address, past history, medical records… Jesus…

"Legally speaking, yes she will be," she sat down where Kaji was with a smile. I really don't like the sound of this at all, "I know this is coming out of nowhere, but Rei needs some kind of guidance. There's a reason the other Rei ended up so socially inept – she didn't have anyone guiding her. You could help this child avoid the same mistakes that have happened in the past," but she has to live with me! "I'm completely ready to sign her off to you. I think you'd be a great parent."

"I don't know about that…" I continue to avoid her eyes, a little embarrassed at the whole situation.

"Honestly, I think you are. You'd have a firm hand but a caring voice, a perfect mix. Sure, you won't be the best parent to ever live, but certainly… satisfactory," nice word choice there…

"Well, if you say so, I guess… I mean, I wouldn't mind having her around, so long as she doesn't bug me too much. Didn't you used to take care of Rei? Like, back when she was really young?" I finally make eye contact with her to see her smiling with eyes closed.

"Yeah, I did for a short time. It was the Rei II at the time, and she was about eight if I remember correctly. People make parenting such a big deal when it's just not that way – sure, if you want to go all out it could be, but even the bare minimum is good enough if you're okay with that," she opens her eyes and looks at me with a sarcastic smirk, "I trust you won't do that, though."

"You know me, if I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it right… so, how long would it take for me to get the house? Hell, I'll sign these things right now, but I don't want her living in that small apartment with me," she probably couldn't even if they wanted her to – there's only one room.

"Oh, immediately. NERV has a number of empty houses just waiting to be taken by high ranking employees. You could actually take her home tonight if you wanted."

"She's not a dog, don't talk about her like that," she stands up and begins to walk away in the same direction Kaji went.

"That's exactly why you'll be a good mother. Bye mom!" she yells as she turns the corner… God I hate her sometimes. With a deep sigh, I gather the papers and leave the cafeteria, leaving the two empty bowls as work for the custodians.

"She's still going to be Ayanami… Rei Soryu would just be weird…" I speak to myself as I walk out towards the car, trying to avoid the thought that Rei could very well be dead by the end of the day. I wonder what Jun will think of this… hopefully he's okay with it. I feel like I have a responsibility to take care of this child, for some odd reason. I mean, she has no one else to guide her! Sure, she may be a teenager already, but in reality, she only has the social skills of a five year old – which, when you think about it, makes a small amount of sense, looking at the situation at hand. While I do feel like I should help, another part of me is wondering why it has to be me that takes on this responsibility when there are a goo dnumber of other women around NERV that could do the exact same job. When I finally got home, I saw that Jun's car was still in the driveway, telling me that he actually waited for me to get back, "Well, here goes nothing…" I walk into the house to see him watching television on the sofa, "You didn't have to wait for me."

"I wanted to," I fall back next to him, still holding the thick stack of papers, "Any news?"

"Not really… I'm a mother now, I guess," I stare down at the papers with a small smile. I guess I have to get used to that idea, don't I?

"I'm so sorry," he takes me into a hug, only confusing me immensely. Why would he be sorry for this? "I guess you're going to keep it?" oh… oh!

"Oh God no! Jun, I'm sterile, I'm not talking about that," in my hurry to clear the air, I accidentally told him about my sterility… great… "No, it's a long story, but I'm adopting Rei. She doesn't have anyone to watch over her, and she specifically requested me, so yeah…" he just looked at me with that expression of pure and utter confusion. I really didn't mean to tell him like that, but I guess it had to be done eventually, right?

"You're sterile?" I just slowly nod, a little embarrassed at the situation, "Then I have a question for you… why did I have to wear a condom?!"

"NERV's made mistakes before, they could be wrong about me," of course, I haven't gotten my period since then, so I suppose that's proof enough… "I love how you're worried about that and not the fact that I'm adopting a freaking child," I obviously speak in a sarcastic tone as I try to snap him back to the subject at hand.

"Well, sorry, you just kind of caught me off guard there… so you're adopting that albino girl from before? Only a younger one?" what's with people taking jabs at her all the sudden? She's a great girl… when she's not possessed by a Deviant! Jesus though, she apparently has some serious underlying anger issues… I need to help her out with that.

"Yeah, pretty much. She's a completely different person though – a lot nicer. I think she'll warm up to you quickly. Are you okay with me doing this?" she simply shrugs as if it wouldn't affect him in the least, "Well, Jun, I'm not saying that she'll get in our way, but she'll definitely be there. Are you okay with that?"

"As long as you're actually thinking this through, I'm perfectly okay with it. Is this what you actually want?" surprising even myself, I nod instantly. Maybe this is the best for both Rei and I… "Then I back you completely. Any other news?" he was fishing for something… damn it! I forgot to go to the hospital! I was freaking talking to Ritsuko – how could I forget?

"Ugh, I forgot to get checked up… sorry," damn, I was in a great mood… why did he have to remind me? Even I caught the instant change in tone of my voice, switching to a much more depressed tone, "Why do you want to be with me?"

"Huh? Where did that come from?" he puts his hand on my back, making me cringe just slightly as I remember how that man touched me when I woke up. It felt exactly the same…

"How could you want to be with a person like me? Really, just in the few days that we've been back together, look at what's happened… why are you putting up with that?" what scared me the most is that he didn't respond right away. I knew he was lying, but at least he cared enough to come up with something.

"Because you're a great woman. I enjoy being with you – I don't care what you've done, and I'm going to help you get through what's happening now," he's a horrible liar…

"But Jun, do you understand the situation? Do you understand how… soiled I am?" I finally begin to lose it and bury my face in my hands, not wanting him to see me cry, "I mean Jesus, how disgusting can one person be?"

"Asuka, come on, stop it."

"No Jun, seriously. I know a relationship isn't all about sex, but that's all my life has been for the last five years… I can't even begin to tell you how many men I've slept with! Hell, even I don't know the extent of what I've done! You realize that I used to sleep with men for the price of a single hit? Do you know how much that is?" he wraps his arm around my shoulders, bringing me into a small hug.

"Really, stop, what happened wasn't your fault," I'm not talking about that! What doesn't he get?!

"You could have bought me for less than the price of fast food!" I finally feel the tears start for the umpteenth time in the last twenty four hours, "There's a reason Shinji dropped me off at that house – I belong there! There's no reason for me to even be here…"

"Okay, here's the deal," finally getting forceful, he takes hold of my wrists and forces them down, making me look at him, "I know you're a strong woman, so act like it already! Yes, you were raped – a lot. I get that, okay? But you know what? No amount of crying is going to change the past, so all you can do is move on! If you need help, there's no shame in that, but just ask for it!" I was completely blown away at his reaction, and my tears stopped out of pure surprise, "Okay?" I simply nod, unsure of what else to do. Since when was he so aggressive? And I have to say, he didn't make me feel any better… not even a little bit.

"Yeah… listen, today's going to be busy – I have to fill out all this paperwork and help Rei move all her stuff into the house… you can go home," that was a nice way of saying 'get out' without hurting his feelings. There's really no point in him being here right now if even he can't make me feel better. I'm not trying to use him like that, but I'm just in no mood to beat around the bush with these things.

"House? You mean apartment," apparently I need to work on my details when telling stories.

"Oh, I forgot to say – NERV is giving Rei and I a house to live in. I don't know where it is yet, but I'll call you and let you know when I find out," I could tell he didn't really want to leave me in this state, but I wanted him gone… frankly, and as horrible as this sounds, that's all that matters.

"Are you sure you want to be alone? I mean, you're…" he paused a moment, most likely stopping himself from saying something he's be sure to regret.

"I'm fine. No, I'm not anywhere close to being okay – I'm not going to lie about that, but I do want to be alone. Look, I'll call you later on tonight after Rei and I have settled in, okay?" I peck him on the cheek and stand up, heading for my room where a pen awaited an extremely daunting task.

"Well… okay then, I guess… I still don't think you should be alone. Just don't do anything stupid, okay?" like what, kill myself? I already tried that, I can't go through with it… at least not yet.

"Jun, I'm fine! Cut it out!" I finally snap at him from my room as I did with Misato, "Jesus Christ…" I mumble to myself as I walk out into the living room to see him walking towards the door, "Oh come on Jun, I'm sorry."

"Call me if you need me," he closed the door behind him without so much as glancing back at me. His voice was cold… he's mad at me. Well, what am I supposed to do?! I just wanted him to leave, but he wouldn't! I need some time to myself to think some of this through… not just Rei, but my whole damn life.

I hate it here in this body; all it's ever done is bring me pain. What's the point of living if your entire life has been nothing but anguish? Not a single person in this world has ever wanted me for just me – my mother found more comfort in that damn doll than her own daughter, Misato only saw me as a chore, to Shinji I was nothing more than an annoyance when we were children and a sex doll when we were adults, to Kaji I'm still a child that needs guiding, and to Jun… hell, I don't even know what to think of him. I already slept with him, even though it's only been a few days of us being together, so he probably has no respect for me. Especially after that little masquerade right there.

What do I even mean to myself? I don't know whether I like myself or not… if I was outside this body, would I befriend Asuka? Probably not, I wouldn't associate myself with such trash. Just because a girl seems normal on the outside doesn't mean she's normal on the inside – I'd be able to see through that ruse. How do I expect others to think differently than I am right now? If I don't love myself, there's no way others could do the same to me. I suppose I can't blame them; after all, I don't give them anything to love outside of superficial looks. I've even destroyed that, however, so I've got nothing… and here I am, about to take another person's life into my hands. This is absolutely crazy! I can't take Rei in as my own! I can't even handle myself, let alone a teenage girl. No, no, no, I can't do this! Kaji and Ritsuko just felt bad for me over what happened, so they were trying to make me feel better with all that crap about being a good mother. They both know what I've done. They both know who I've become over the years. They both know I'm completely unable to do this!

This is so stupid… this is so stupid! Why do I have to take in Rei to help her? I can't just guide her the way I've been doing? I mean yeah, she needs the social interaction, but she has a boyfriend! She's obviously doing something right! Of course… that something she may have very well picked up from her knowledge of my past and how men came flocking to me. She already admitted to being submissive to him, even after this short time… she's going down the same road I did. It starts with a simple hand-job for a hit of what gets you going – whether it be meth or love. You tell yourself that it'll never progress past that. A week later, you're on your back praying he pulls out.

That girl needs something more than me… she needs someone that will guide her in the right direction, not the same path I went down. I mean really, who in the right mind would consider me to be an acceptable guardian? I can't even seem to get my own life together, who can expect me to do the same for someone else? But I still need to help her somehow – she looks up to me… maybe not as much as I may think, but she certainly does…

But what is she to do if I don't do this? Just keep living in loneliness? I'm sure Ritsuko will tell her that I took the papers, and then she'll be excited to finally have some human interaction at home – I'll only depress her if I don't do this, but if I do, who knows what will happen. I suppose if it gets bad enough, she can just leave; it's not as if she hasn't lived on her own before. She's a strong girl, she'll be okay around me… right? Without really realizing it, I began to fill out the seemingly endless stack of papers. It must have taken me over an hour to finally complete them all, but when I did, there was a certain sense of peace that surrounded me for the first time in so long. Legally speaking, right now, I was a mother… I mean, there won't be this kid running around calling me 'mom' or anything like that, but just the thought of having a child, adopted or not, is quite calming to a person who knows themselves to be sterile.

I suppose the only person that really made much sense so far is Kaji when he told me to just move on. I don't think he understands just how hard that is, given the circumstances, but he has to be onto something – he's helped me before. Maybe seeing Hikari every now and then wouldn't exactly be a bad idea, would it? Hell, I haven't had a good thought in my head for the longest time now… that just can't be healthy. I honestly do think that I'm perfectly stable mentally, but I'm certainly not stable stress wise. Like Kaji said, there's just too much going on for me; I haven't gotten a break from this crap in years. Maybe I just need to stop caring about everything… I mean, if I just go with the flow, pilot, take care of Rei, and simply not care about it, then I can't be hurt, right? No, even I realize that's impossible… and just plain stupid. I guess the best I can hope for is that things like this stop happening, regardless of the fact that I'm in a situation that they're almost promised to occur.

The majority of my day was spent in bed, spooning my pillow as I stared blankly at the floor. I had absolutely zero motivation to do anything, and for some reason, the only thing that was running through my mind was what happened. It just replayed over and over, and no matter how hard I tried to think about something else, the touch of that man on the inside of my thigh was it. I shed a few tears, yes, but I never cried fully as I was doing earlier – there's really no point in it anymore. I'm trying to follow Kaji's advice, I really am, but how can I do that? Hell, this is worse than when I willingly sold myself; at least then I had a say in whether I wanted to or not. This feeling of no control what so ever is horrible, and who's to say it won't happen again? I feel so filthy… by the time my alarm clock read 9:00 PM, my back was aching from not moving a single muscle for hours. I knew Rei was either due for the procedure or completely done with it at this point, so I suppose it's about time I head over there. I grunt a little as my back cracked from the strain of getting out of bed, and soon after straightening out any wrinkles on the skirt and blouse.

"I wonder if Rei's a good cook…" in an almost zombie like manner, I grab my keys and the stack of papers as I leave the house, "I could use some decent food right now," I really do need to improve my eating habits – just because my mind's a mess doesn't mean I should let my body go to hell. The drive down to NERV seemed oddly lonely – not many cars passed me on the way, and there wasn't a single pedestrian on the way. Sure, it was nighttime on a weeknight, but there's usually at least a few people out. Not like it matters, it made the drive easier. As I was lowered down into NERV via the car lift, the first thing I noticed was Rei, predictably in her school uniform, standing next to Misato waiting for me. She better be normal, because honestly, I'll freaking kill her if I get her home and she acts anything like before. When I got out of the car and made eye contact with Rei, she immediately averted her eyes and blushed. Yep, she's back to normal…

"So, Asuka, I see you made up your mind. Kaji told me about it – I'm glad you opted to do this," casually, I hand her the stack of papers. I could tell she was lying; she didn't think I was capable of taking in Rei, and frankly, I don't blame her.

"Yeah, well, no one else is going to take care of her, so I might as well," I look down at Rei, who was still staring at the ground under her feet, "I take it you're back to normal?" she only nods, unable to say anything else. Can she remember what she was acting like? Is she just embarrassed? "Good, then that means I won't have to beat you," I speak in a joking manner, but I'm sure she knew I was serious, "So, Misato, where's this house Ritsuko promised us?"

"Oh, yes, here," she hands me a piece of folded paper with sloppy handwriting on it, "It's actually just down the road. You need any help moving your things? I can get a few of our interns to help," she acts like we're moving a truckload of things. Hell, we might be able to fit both of our loads into this single care if we're smart about how we stack things!

"No, no, we're fine. I do want to get going though, we have a lot of work to do. Thanks for bringing her out Misato, I'll see you later," I lean in a little towards her so Rei couldn't hear me, "And… sorry about today. I lost my temper," I didn't give her a chance to reply before leaning back out and walking towards the car, "Come on Rei, we got some work to do."

"Yes," she scampers over to the passenger side and climbs in. As the lift beings to rise, I speak to her one on one.

"You remember what you said to me, don't you?" I knew she wasn't looking at me, so I didn't give her the same favor. She didn't reply, giving me the answer I needed, "Well, I'm the first to admit that I'm not a perfect person. You obviously see that in me too, or those thoughts wouldn't have even crossed your mind. I'm fine with that – you're not perfect either. However, what I'm not okay with is that you hold everything in like that. You can't bottle everything up, trust me."

"I'm sorry… for what I said…"

"You're fine, don't worry about it. Listen, you could have just asked me directly about this whole situation, you didn't have to go through Ritsuko. Are you sure you want to live with me? Hell, when I was your age, I would have loved to have my own place," I see her hang her head just a little lower, "What?"

"If you don't want me, you don't have to take me in. I appreciate what you're doing, but I don't want it if you don't either," is that what she's all depressed about?

"Rei, if I didn't want you living with me, you wouldn't be," I finally look over at her and feel a sense of pity for her, "Listen," I put my hand on her shoulder, "We're family now, okay? We help each other through things when needed. That's what you're here – because I know you need help," she finally looks up at me, and I give a small smile, only to have it quickly returned with an equally small gesture, "Now," I start up the car and begin to drive off when the lift finished, "We have a lot of work do to. When we get back to the apartments, get dressed in some work clothes, I don't want you ruining what you're wearing. You have ten minutes before I start without you."

"We're moving tonight? But I have school tomorrow," I just smile and shake my head. What, she can't handle a little late night working on a Wednesday?

"Well then, all the more reason for us to get done quickly. I don't know about you, but I hate living in that run down complex. Plus, worst case scenario, I just write you a note or something and get you excused," ah, the good old days of forging Misato's signature to ditch school… I miss those times, "Now, this is how we're going to work – I'm adopting something that Misato did with Shinji and I when we moved in with her. We're going to make a list of all the chores around the house – cooking, cleaning, laundry, and so on – and then draw them out of a hat. Sound fair?"

"I suppose. Are we not able to just pick what we want?" I guess that would be easier to do… "For instance, I despise cleaning the bathroom, but I enjoy cooking. I would cook and you clean the bathroom."

"I understand the concept, you don't have to explain it. That works with me I guess. So let's see here… we need cooking, laundry, cleaning the bathroom, and vacuuming or sweeping. You said that you'll do cooking, and I guess I'll just stay true to your example and do the bathrooms. What do you want; floors or laundry?" I can't believe I'm actually debating with a fourteen year old…

"I'll stick with laundry," I look over to see her looking oddly normal. She looked just like any other person, minus that weird formal attitude of speaking.

"Sounds good," I pull into the apartment complex, "Okay, go get dressed, we have a lot of work to do," I send her a small smile, and for the first time, I see a genuine smile from her returned to me. It wasn't forced, it wasn't fake, and above all, she made eye contact with me when she did it. Maybe this girl isn't half bad…

A/N – I know, I know, the majority of this chapter was the emotional bull you've come to expect from Asuka, but hey, it works. As always, she's avoiding the issues at hand by hiding behind the emotions of others, but also as always, it will come back to bite her in the very near future. Don't expect some huge sub-plot to be developing between Asuka and Rei – it's just something I've been throwing around since the new Rei came along. Anyway, by your reviews, I can see just how much Jun is despised… I'll be sure to do something with him soon then! Check out the next chapter, Experimental; until then, keep on keepin' on!


	21. Experimental

Chapter 21: Experimental

Okay, so maybe I wasn't quite accurate on my estimation that all of our things would fit in a single car trip. No, instead, it took three round trips to finally bring in the last box of the night. By the time we were done, I actually felt bad for Rei – it was three in the morning, and she was obviously not used to staying up. She turned zombie on me at around one, and when I finally said she could go to bed while I finished picking up a few random things around the house, she instantly passed out on her new bed. She didn't even bother to put on sheets – just the bare mattress apparently suited her just fine.

As to be expected with the homes NERV provides, the house came equipped with full furnishing, including a television and DVD player. There was a single, large sofa in front of the television along with three chairs spread out through the living room. The kitchen was completely empty outside of pots and pans, so I knew a food shopping trip was needed first thing tomorrow. There were four other bedrooms and two bathrooms, which completely surprised me; this house was more than big enough for a medium sized family, let alone two people. Not like we were complaining, of course. We each got our own bathroom along with two rooms to do what we wanted with. I planned on slowly turning mine into simple gym – weights, standing bicycle, the normal – while Rei kept silent about hers. Hell, she probably kept silent because she didn't fully understand she has two rooms to herself!

I actually quite enjoyed working this way with Rei. She really is a sweet girl when she decides to open up, which takes over an hour of constant proximity. She's also quite the determined worker; when she chooses to get something done, she won't stop until she's either made to or simply finishes. I must say, I quite like that trait in her… it's something I could work on, actually.

While there were still quite a few boxes in my room that remain unpacked, I knew that the essentials such as toiletries were all out, so my work for the day was done. That being said, I was currently sitting back on the sofa with a beer in my hand, staring at the blank television I was too tired to hook up. For the first time in quite awhile, my mind wasn't anywhere near what Shinji did to me the other night – no, instead, I was thinking about my relationship with Jun. as much as I hate to say it, something just seems off about him. Now that I'm calm and can think about it, why is he always okay with things that I do or have gone through? I mean, he got over me being a hooker within a few minutes, and didn't even seem to really care about the drug use. Hell, he barely acknowledged the fact that I was raped – most men would be furious about that. That just isn't natural… at least, not in my mind. I hate to sound like a hypocrite here, but if I found out he's done even half of the things that I have, he'd be out on the street within two minutes. And he can't even use the excuse of love; it's just not possible to love someone within that short amount of time. I may have said it back to him when he first told me, but I surely didn't mean it. What am I supposed to say, 'thank you'? That's just not appropriate!

Of course, maybe I'm just looking too deep into this. After all, I can't exactly say that I've had any normal relationships in my life, so what do I have to compare it to? But regardless, it just doesn't feel normal… maybe he's just using me for sex like Shinji did. I did end up giving it up within the first couple of dates, and he is a guy on top of that – men would put up with anything for a quick lay. I just don't know… I feel like I'm betraying him by thinking this way, but at the same time, what else am I to think? I'd like to say that it's time for me to take a break from men for awhile and get my life together, but if I leave him now, I'm sure I'll end up regretting it. Even if he is too good to be true, there's a small chance that it is true. That he does truly care for me. That he is the person I've been waiting for my entire life…

… but probably not…

A sharp knocking at the door snapped me out of my deep thought, only leading me to question why someone is knocking at three in the morning. Probably just Misato or Ritsuko coming to check up on us… how nice of them! Yeah, as if they really care – they're more concerned about how Rei is doing. I get up, already slightly annoyed that the other half of my beer was being left behind, and open the door nonchalantly to see Shinji, looking pale as a ghost and panting just slightly. An overwhelming urge came over me to tackle him to the ground right then, but I restrained myself, knowing the circumstances… still though, seeing him makes my heart pound in anger.

"I'm not in the mood," I begin to close the door, only to have it stopped by his foot.

"Asuka, hear me out, please," I normally would have slammed the door right o that damned foot of his, but the pleading sound in his voice made me do otherwise. Slowly, I open the door and let him speak, "I… don't even know what to say…" his eyes begin to tear up, and seeing that finally made me lose it.

"You're crying? Seriously? You put me through that, and you're crying?" I lower my voice, knowing Rei was still sleeping, "If you came over to apologize, don't bother. I know you had that Deviant in you, but…" I clench my fist, trying to hold in anger. I close my eyes as I speak, "But I can never forgive you for what you did."

"Asuka-"

"No!" my voice echoes through the neighborhood, "Shut up! Do you know what they did to me?" I finally make physical contact with him, grabbing onto his collar and bringing him as close as possible, "You along with a dozen other men raped me! You raped me Shinji!" he looks to the side, obviously ashamed, "Do you have any idea how much that hurts? How much it still hurts?"

"Sorry…" he mutters under his breath, only making me more furious.

"This isn't something you can apologize for! For all you know, they could have given me some kind of disease!" he finally cringes a little. Apparently he hasn't thought about that, "You…" I take a deep breath, letting him go as I do, "My entire life, I've been so sure of everything. I may not have made the right decisions, but I sure as hell would stand by them… unless you're in the picture. You make me second guess my every move, and that's landed me in this position," I could hear the sound of my own furious breathing and heartbeat as I began to sweat. He still stood there, staring at the ground, completely spineless… I hate him so much… "I want you to leave, do you understand? The only place I ever want to see you is inside NERV. Don't even drive by this house," I finally slam the door, only to be left staring at the barrier now between us. I'm sure he was doing the same thing, which only made me sick.

"It wasn't him, you do realize that," instantly, I try to calm my anger as I hear Rei behind me. She was obviously still half asleep, but now dressed in a tank top and pajama pants. While she looked a wreck – messed up hair, half closed eyes, the whole deal – there was still a certain presence around her.

"Rei, there's a lot you don't know. Go to bed," I spoke coldly as I fell back onto the sofa, grabbing my beer in the process, "I'm not in the mood."

"There's a lot _you_ don't know," in an act of courage so foreign to her, she stands in front of me, making me look at her, "The Commander is far from perfect, as all humans are, but he cares for you. Have you ever spoken to him? Have you ever actually asked him why he's done the things he's done?"

"It doesn't matter Rei! What matters is that he did them!"

"You can't logically take into account what he recently did. For the same reason you hated me and forgave me, you need to do the same with him. I understand your anger, but it is misled," how the hell is my anger misled? I don't care if he was possessed or not – he still did it!

"I don't care if it doesn't make sense, I still can't forgive him. Every time I look at him I see what he's done to me… even if I take out the rape, he still hurt me before that!" aren't I supposed to be the one guiding her? Something is seriously wrong here…

"He hurt you by rescuing you from something you know would have ended with your death? People make mistakes Asuka, anything else he's done can be forgiven if you let it," unsure of exactly what to say, I take a drink of the beer as I break eye contact with her, "You only hurt yourself by hating people."

"He's done more than you know…" Jesus, I feel like a child when she talks down to me like this. Since when did she become all wise?

"Relationships are two way roads. I'm not saying you should date him or anything along those lines – in fact, quite the contrary. I'm just saying you need to forgive him at least partially. You owe that to him," she begins to walk back to her room, "I'm going to bed, but I don't recommend you do the same," she closes her door, leaving me in the living room and even more annoyed. I knew Shinji was still out there – his car hasn't started up… I hope he leaves soon. What Rei was saying made sense, but I still can't talk to him. Not after what he did to me, "Go out there and talk to him!" Rei raises her voice from in her room, only furthering my irritation.

"Fine! Jesus Christ!" just wanting to end the whole situation, I storm outside to see him walking towards his car. He heard me and turned around, still wearing that damn mournful face, "Let me get something out of the way," I walk towards him until I'm standing a few feet from him – notably far enough away so I don't pummel him, "Answer me something. Do you remember that night at all? Do you remember seeing me?" his eyes averted to the ground, once again showing me his weakness as a person.

"What do you mean?"

"When you were still with the Deviant, you told me that I actually wanted it. I know what I'm like when I'm high, and let me tell you something – that's not me. Tell me what happened," his eyes were still slightly glassy from before, but I couldn't care less. I want to know what he actually did to me, because that other story was nothing but bull!

"You… were passed out," I know him well enough – that's a damn lie!

"If you're not going to tell the truth, then I'm leaving," I turn around, and he puts his hand on my shoulder. I stop without turning around, "Don't touch me…" I mutter through my teeth, but I knew he could hear me.

"Asuka, it doesn't matter what happened that night. I know it was my fault, okay?" I turn around, subsequently forcing his hand off my shoulder.

"You tell me, or I'm out, understand? I'm trying to communicate with you here only because Rei won't get off my back if I don't, but I'll leave if you don't tell me," he runs his hands through his hair in annoyance as he stared up at the sky.

"You didn't want it, but you were too out of it to do anything. Initially, it was just you and me in the car, but I ended up taking you to that house… I don't even know who those people were, I just dropped you off and left," he's not even man enough to look me in the eye. Without really realizing it, a tear rolled down my cheek in a mix of anger and sadness, "I don't know what happened after that."

"Yes you do!" I finally scream at him, and take a deep breath afterwards, "Listen, I know it wasn't your fault, okay? I… I just need a few days away from you, I can't handle it right now. You don't have to feel bad about that, but you sure as hell have you feel bad about everything else you've done to me. You always put yourself first – to keep your job, to keep your reputation, to help yourself in any way possible. So if you can't sleep tonight, don't make it about what you did to me the other night. Make it about everything else," I try to turn around, but he grabs my hand and finally looks me in the eye.

"You're right, okay? I admit that, and I'm sorry. Just tell me what I can do to make it up to you," I yank my hand away from his, not being able to stand his touch, "You loved me at one point, so it must only be the things I've done to make you hate me. What can I do?"

"Let me get something straight here – I will never love you again. I liked the person you used to be when we were younger, but you grew into one horrible adult. I was only with you in a futile attempt to revert you back. There's not even a chance of that happening again," I could see his spirit break just slightly when I said that, "So just forget it. We're coworkers, nothing more," for the final time, I try to walk away, but he once again stopped me by taking me into a hug.

"I'm not asking you to come back, I'm asking you to forgive me!" I couldn't help but panicking, feeling him against me so soon after what he did. I pushed him away with a small scream, sending him to the ground.

"Are you crazy? You don't touch a girl that you… ah! Just forget it!" I was finally able to get back in the house, where I instantly broke down into tears in front of the door. The feeling of a man on me… I just can't take it right now… all I could think of was… Jesus Christ… I honestly do hate my life. I should have never taken in Rei, she shouldn't have to deal with the crap going on in my life – she needs to grow up at least semi-normal. But what am I supposed to do now? I've already taken her in, it's not like I can just return her… she's a living person! But I can't take this right now… I just can't take it anymore! Absolutely every person that knows me looks down on me, everything that has ever happened in my life goes against what should actually happen, and I'm just so sick of the pain. I'm so tired of it all…

"Asuka?" I look up through my tears to see Rei standing there, actually looking a little worried.

"Go to bed, I'll see you in the morning," grabbing my keys, I knew exactly where I was going as I headed out the door, even if I didn't want to directly say it to myself. I left before she had a chance to say anything or stop me – not like she could. Thankfully, I saw Shinji's car driving down the road, so I didn't have to deal with the person that brought me to all of this. I knew I looked like hell, but frankly, I couldn't care less. I start up the car and drive off, seeing Rei standing in the doorway through my peripheral vision. She'll be fine…

Actually getting it was no problem at all, which was a huge surprise to me. No background checks, no identification, absolutely nothing but the money. Not like I'm complaining, this'll make everything a whole lot easier. The shopkeeper was an ass though – I could tell he knew why I was in there, and yet he still sold it to me without so much of a word. I smiled a little as I left the store, still holding onto the huge item with my left hand.

"Tell me, how's the lake this time of day?" I speak to the man as I still face the door, ready to leave. It was about four in the morning, and the sun was just barely getting ready to peak up over the horizon.

"Nice, I guess," I near him pick up a newspaper, "Better hurry before you miss sunrise, if that's what you're aiming for," with another smile, I leave the store and gently place the item in the passenger seat.

"Suiting, no?" I speak to myself as I began to drive, "Overlooking NERV as the sun reflects off the lake. Quite poetic, if I must say so myself."

That drive was, by far, the longest drive I've ever been a part of. My mind kept wandering during those twenty minutes, almost to the point to where it was dangerous for me to be driving. Luckily, there was no one on the roads, so it didn't really matter. When I finally got to the trucker stop overlooking the lake about a hundred feet below, my heart literally sank at the thought of what I'm doing… it's best, I suppose. Nothing can help it. Hey, at least this is a nice scene, right? Still wearing that small, almost invisible grin, I open my wallet to the picture of my NERV ID and place it on the dashboard. I grab my phone and dial the typical three numbers. They picked up immediately.

"Tokyo-3 Police, what is your emergency?" a woman with a kind voice over the line.

"There's a dead girl at the trucker stop by the lake. Go find her before someone else does."

"Ma'am? Where-" I hang up the phone and throw it in the back seat. It took me a moment to situate myself, but in an instant, I finally finished it. The pain only lasted for a split second.

A/N – A couple things here. First off, sorry I haven't updated in God only knows how long, but you know, life catches up with you. Second, this is not the last chapter – I wouldn't end on a note like this. And finally, I obviously won't be going by the reviews get you chapters thing. I'll just update when I get them written, no big deal. Sorry for the short chapter, but I hope you enjoyed it. Catch the next chapter, Guardians; until then, keep on keepin' on!


	22. Guardians

Chapter 22: Guardians

"Well, isn't this annoying?" there I was, staring into the car from the outside with my arms crossed, waiting for the police to arrive. As it turns out, John Edwards was right – there are certainly ghosts, spirits, or whatever you want to call them, and I'm proof. At first, I thought I just missed, but the barrel of the shotgun was still resting neatly in my blood covered hands, while the entire portion of my head above the jaw was spread randomly about the car. It was by far the goriest sight I've seen outside of an Eva, but oddly enough, I didn't have much trouble looking at it. Hell, at least I went through with it, right? "Where am I supposed to go now?" Sirens from police cars start to blare around the bend, and in no time, there were two cars and four men all huddled around my beetle.

"Jesus Christ…" a very young officer had to turn his head, but the rest were obviously veterans and had no issue with the sight.

"Saw this coming. We get calls like that all the time," the oldest officer, probably about forty five, reaches into the car and pulls out the wallet I left out, "Asuka Langley Soryu, born on December 4, 2001… yeah, she left this out for us. Hey, at least this'll make the coroner's job easier, right?" is this guy actually smiling?

"This isn't some joke!" I yell at him, but he obviously didn't react, "Ugh… this is going to suck so badly…" I rub my eyes in annoyance.

"So, you finally went through with it I see. I always wondered, does it hurt?" I jump out of my skin to hear a familiar voice behind me. I turn to see Jun standing there with hands in pockets. He was wearing a brown, closed trench coat and black slacks underneath.

"What the hell? You can see me?" I wave my hand in front of his eyes, and he only gives me an annoyed look, "Yeah… I'm just dreaming. That's it. I knew there were no ghosts!" I throw up my arms and walk towards the gory scene, "Okay, time to wake up. Come on now," I wave my hand through – not in front of – the dead girl laying in the driver's seat.

"I can assure you this isn't a dream. I hate to say that I haven't been completely honest with you… actually, I haven't been honest with you at all. Come on, I'll explain on the way," he holds out his hand to me.

"Oh no, I'm not going with you. You're probably just something from hell made to look like Jun. I know I killed myself, but I'll be damned if I'm going back down there!" he simply laughs as he lowers his hand.

"Asuka, you're not destined for Hell. No, you're going somewhere much more pleasant. Allow me to properly introduce myself to you," he bows in front of me in a jester pose, "My name is Saint Anthony, and I'm here to take you to Him," a moment of silent passed before I responded.

"Yeah… sure… isn't Saint Anthony the person you pray to if you lose something?" he slumps over, still bowing.

"People always think that's so materialistic," he stands up to show an annoyed face, "Saint Anthony, I lost my iPod! Saint Anthony, help me find my watch! Saint Anthony, I've gone and misplaced my cell phone! No, that's not what I'm about. I help people find more important things – like lost children going down the wrong path, such as with you. A certain woman prayed for you, and my master took quite the liking to you, so I came down personally to deal with it," he takes off the trench coat to reveal him shirtless with two large white objects behind him. With a quick motion, they both jet out to the sides to display a fantastic pair of white wings stretching out to a fifteen foot span, "If you think you're dreaming, then what do you have to lose by coming with me?" he once again holds out his hand.

"This is such bull…" I reluctantly grab hold of his hand, and he responds by wrapping the other arm around my back in a hugging-like manner. The giant wings start to flap, and we're soon heading towards the sky, leaving the horrid scene below behind.

"I'm glad you decided to come. You seem oddly calm though…"

"How am I supposed to react? I've been through weirder things in my life. I'm not saying I believe you yet – though I don't really know what else to think of this – but if you are who you say you are, then why did you let our relationship get as far as it did? Why didn't you just stay a friend or something?"

"To be honest, I didn't really mean for any of that to happen. It just sort of did… don't get me wrong, I do care about you, but the relationship was just so I could keep a close eye on you."

"Well, a bang up job you did," I see him snarl at my sarcasm, "So, who was praying to you? Rei? Misato?" he simply laughs.

"You think that the living are the only ones that can pray? Heavens no. Does the name Kyoko mean anything to you?" it took me a moment, but my eyes shoot open when I realize who that name belonged to, "Ah, so you do know! She's very anxious to see you again. We're going to see her first."

"Mama? She prayed for me?" how did she go to Heaven?

"Certainly! Every day since she got here, I've gotten at least one prayer from her. I finally spoke to her a few years ago – she extremely interested to see what kind of woman you've become," not that great of one… "Now, there's a few things you need to know before we get there. Heaven is an ethereal environment, as to be expected. What you want to be there is what you will see, so you actually have to want her there. It takes some getting used to," we pass a group of clouds in the sky and were met with a never ending pure white room, "This is where I depart," he sets me down and fades away before I could say anything.

"Oh come on! Jun! I mean Anthony… whatever! How am I supposed to just think of something and make it real?" I found myself screaming into the emptiness in vain, "This is so annoying… fine, fine, fine…" crossing my arms, I close my eyes and try my best to imagine my mother as I remember her. Her face is still blurry… I can hear her voice perfectly, but I can't think of what she looks like… is this going to be good enough? Damn it… this is so annoying!

"Your temper hasn't changed a bit, has it?" my eyes shoot open to see a semi-familiar face in front of me, smiling ear to ear. Her hair was a brown-red, and it reached down to her shoulders – outside of this, we looked so much alike… I look so much like her…

"M… Ma?" she takes me into a deep hug, and for the first time since I was a toddler, I could smell my mother… it was so familiar, I couldn't help but smile.

"You've grown up so much Asuka! I'm so sorry for leaving you," I feel a single tear run down my cheek as I continue to smile, "But it's not your time to leave," I lean back and look at her through a smile and tears.

"But… why do you think I'm here? I already did…" she simply shakes her head.

"I know exactly what you did, and you have to know something – leaving the physical body means absolutely nothing. Especially when you're… well, you. You'll understand more when you talk to Him," she puts her hand on my cheek, continuing her smile, "I'm sure you already know this, but I've watched you grow up. I've been with you through every battle with Unit 02 – I know what kind of person you've become, I know what you would think of while in there, and I know how you've matured… I must say, you've become quite the fine young woman. I'll continue to be with you as you pilot your Eva, but you have to promise me that you'll grow stronger, both mentally and physically. I don't like all of this self doubt that you've grown accustomed to, understand?"

"I'll… try," she closes her eyes and once again smiles.

"Then we're done here. I love you Asuka, remember that," without really realizing it, she slowly faded into nothing, once again leaving m alone in that massive white room.

"Wait… wait! What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to pilot? What if I don't want to?" my breath was taken away as I feel my body suddenly become warm, as if I was in the presence of an amazing being… I know who it is, but my mind simply can't comprehend the thought.

"Both you and your mother committed a foul sin – one that many men in the past have made. Do you know why I have placed you here? Do you know why I take pity?" no… "It is because you were supposed to be the one that would start everything all over. You fought my children, vanquished them all, and nothing happened afterwards; is this what you believe?" yes… "The man known to you as Shinji Ikari chose this fate for you. In the end, he was to choose the fate of all men, women and children. The correct choice was to start all over, with him as the father and you as the mother. He chose correctly, and the two of you corrected the world from its past sin. You were the second cycle of man, and the two of you were the direct lineage of all men afterwards," but… what happened…? "You eventually rejected this reality, just as he was able to do at any time. You started everything over, and created a reality in which you were the central dogma. If you were to die by your own hands, this would simply be a shame," what about Shinji…? "Shinji remembers the old reality, but you forced these memories from your own mind. This is why he clings to you, and this is why you drift to him. You took away his perfect Eden life, his fourteen children, and everything he created for the two of you. He hopes that you chose correctly, which is why he chooses to stay close to you."

"Liar…" I finally break my silence, "You liar! I had nothing to do with what has happened! It was all you! You put me through absolutely everything! Why did you make me go through that? Why did you let me become a whore? Why did you let me rot in Hell for all that time? I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" as I scream, a human body of blue light appeared in front of me and placed its hand on my forehead.

"Remember what he does, my child," in an instant, my mind was flustered with memories that were better left forgotten. Him trying to kill me on the beach after I chose to be with him… us surviving for five whole years, together… our mach wedding… our first child… Kei… our thirteen thereafter, all a mix of Shinji and I… we were one… we grew old… on my death bed, I wanted to stay with him, and I knew I had the power to do it… I destroyed everything we worked for, everything we created, all just to be with him for another lifetime…

"No!" I fall to my knees and cry into my hands, "I wouldn't do that! A mother wouldn't blink all of her children out of existence!" I knew that I did, "These are fake!" I knew that they weren't.

"It is now time for you to make another choice. There are four more Deviants, and the pilots will fall one by one until every single one of them has perished. Everything will blink from existence, and there will simply be nothingness – you can choose this, or you can choose to make your own destiny that I will be unable to control, for you, the mother, has more power than any father could dream of. What will it be?" without a moment of hesitation, I responded.

"I want to help! I want to make things right! I screwed everything up, I have to make it right!" I feel my stomach become warm, almost burning, and I realized what was done, "Thank you…"

"Consider it a gift for the correct choice. The gift of the ability to bear life. Be on your way now, my child. Much awaits you," a deep breath was forced into my lungs, and I was suddenly sitting in the car, overlooking the lake with the shotgun still in my mouth. I remove it, place it in the seat next to me, and begin to drive with a sense of peace I've never felt before.

"A gift, huh?" I put my hand on my stomach, "Who says I want children?" I force a laugh out of myself, knowing that everything is fine in the world. It may not be fine tomorrow, or the next day, but as of right now, everything's perfect.

"That's not really your choice to make, now is it?" oddly enough, I didn't really jump when I heard Jun's, or whatever his name is, voice. I look in the rear view mirror to see him sitting in the back seat, arms crossed and looking cocky.

"What, just because he gave me the ability to have children that means I have to? No, no, no, that's not how I work. I don't care if he's God, I'm not at his whim. He said so himself."

"Well, to start off," he holds up his right hand in a counting manner, "That wasn't God. He wouldn't defile himself by making contact with such low beings. There are different levels of saints, he was at the top. It doesn't matter, don't worry about it," he puts up one finger, "Two, I can promise you that you will have a child," another finger, and this one was met with him opening his eyes, "And three, call him," with that, he fades into nothingness, and I feel that he had a point about who I should call. With a sigh, I pick up my phone.

"Commander Ikari. Who may I ask is calling, and why this late?" jeez, he sounds so formal over the phone.

"Tell me Shinji, why didn't you just come out and tell me what I did?" I hear him sigh over the other line.

"Asuka, I don't know what you want me to do. You keep approaching me, and you keep getting the same answer!"

"Oh, that? No, I forgive you for that. In fact, I forgive you for everything," silence struck the line, "You know, parents always say that they love all of their children equally, but frankly, I think that's a load of bull, don't you think?" still, silence, "I mean, they've got to love one more than the other. After all, the first born is usually seen as the best, no? Personally, I loved Kei the most, but that's only because of how much she reminded me of you," he finally breaks the silence by gasping, "What about you? Which one was your favorite?"

"Asuka… what are you talking about?" how is he going to play dumb? That's just stupid!

"I'm talking about the fourteen children you made me bear. By the way, do you have any idea how much that hurts? It would be a good idea to pull out once in awhile, Jesus."

"You remember? You remember everything?" his voice was both frantic and confused, and even had that boyish charm he once possessed, "What happened Asuka?"

"Well, I put the end of a shotgun in my mouth and pulled the trigger, that's what happened. Long story, but I remember what we went through… why can't you go back to being that nice guy again? I mean, I still stand by the fact that in this reality, you're kind of a… well, you can finish the rest on your own," he was obviously dumbstruck at the whole situation, "Anyway, listen, mind if I come over? I think we have a few things to talk about."

"Yeah… yeah, you can come over, but what about Rei?" not like she's a toddler or anything…

"She's fine. She's a teenager, she can take care of herself. I'll see you soon?"

"Yeah," his voice was obviously still extremely confused, and frankly, he'll probably stay confused at the whole situation. Hell, even I don't really get it, but who cares? When I finally make it to his house, I was still wearing that stupid smile that I couldn't seem to wipe off my face. He was waiting at the door for me, wearing that same damned smile as I was.

"A little anxious, are we?" I close the car door behind me and meet up with him, stopping a mere two or three feet in front of his body.

"Well, I'm just glad that you at least remember what we went through. So you remember everything? Like, all the way up until you were about to die?" I simply nod my head, "That's insane… do you understand why I'm so uptight now? I've been worried about you this whole time, but at the same time, I'll admit that I'm a little bitter. I mean, you know what you did, right? You essentially killed all of our children… our whole lives," great, now I feel guilty…

"Yeah, I understand. Listen, we both screwed up, can we just forget about everything? I mean, we obviously did fine together for a lifetime, what's to say we can't just start over again?" um… what did I just say?

"That's completely fine with me," he steps aside and opens the door, "Care to share a drink with me?" feeling a sense of relief, I walk inside and fall back onto the vaguely familiar sofa, "I'll take that as a yes. Beer, I assume?"

"You know me, alright," I could definitely use a drink right now, that's for sure. He sits next to me – notably close – and hands me a beer bottle covered in condensation. I notice that he had a beer himself, which was quite out of character for him, "Thanks. What's with you? You're not one to drink beer. You're more of a wine kind of guy," I always thought that was a little odd.

"Yeah, well, this is easier than wine. Cheers," we both take a deep drink at the same time, "So, are the memories you now have pleasant? Do you enjoy them?"

"Actually, yes. I mean, we had a lot of fun! We traveled the world, we got married in an amazing chapel, we had kids – how could I not like that? However, I don't really think I would do it again. It got really lonely… remember? Sure, we had each other, but that only goes so far. In the back of my mind, I was always hoping that we would come across someone else – anyone. Jesus, I just can't believe we went through all of that! It feels so weird," he laughs through the mouth of the bottle.

"It doesn't get any easier either. So what's going on between us now? I mean, we were married for seventy years… that's why I've never really grown out of loving you. What do you feel?" well that was random… but he's certainly right.

"Ugh… I don't know… I have conflicting emotions. In this reality, I've grown to hate you, but in the other one, we were together for so long. I just don't know…" I couldn't muster so much as a glance at him. All I could do was stare down into my slowly emptying beer, "I know what you want to do, but I just don't know what to do. I mean, are you going to stop being such an ass? Are you going to stop ridiculing and looking down on me? Sure, it's easy for you to say that you won't because of the fact that I know about us now, but what now?"

"What now? I say we give it a chance. Or, at the very least, you give me a chance to redeem myself. What do you say?" that didn't really answer my question… whatever.

"Sounds good to me, but we're not together. Understand that. I realize you were mad at me, but that's still no excuse for how you treated me," I tilt my bottle towards him, making the mouth of mine meet up with the mouth of his, "But that's not to say it's impossible."

A/N – Hopefully this chapter proved to be the happy, 'bringer upper' that some of you wanted. Not really much to say here, because honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do next chapter… that being said, I obviously don't have a name for it yet! See you next time, and keep on keepin' on!


	23. Faux Hatred

Chapter 23: Faux Hatred

A/N – Hey all, been awhile, huh? Yeah, sorry about that – college life and what not. Just finished the fall semester, and now I'm on break, so my goal is to get at least the majority of this story finished. I've wanted to finish it for some time now; I know exactly what will happen, it's just getting it down on paper. Regardless, I'll update as I get em done. Review and let me know what you like and don't like; I've been known to change a story based on peoples' reactions. Who knows? You might just alter the ending!

I lay there, staring at the ceiling, and my mind is on every topic other than what it should be. My hair is a mess, I barely slept last night, and the house is an absolute wreck. I knew she was coming over, at least in a few minutes… what if she saw us? There's no way she'd be okay with it, regardless of what she says. The person I shared the night, among other things, with is still sleeping like a baby. No matter how many times we do this, I always feel weird afterwards… yes, I love him – at least I think – but I don't want to mess this up with sex.

As the air conditioning kicked on, I was shot with a puff of cool air; the thin sheet proved to be no protection, and I couldn't help but shiver a little. This, unfortunately, woke him up. With half closed eyes and a half smile, he rolled over towards me, "You really should be going. I'm not sure what time she'll be back," he leaned over and began a soft, gentle kiss, just like when we first started dating. After a moment, he leaned back up with a smile.

"What, afraid of getting caught?"

"Yes, in every sense of the word. I apologize, but we can't be… like this when she gets back. At least make yourself decent," he rolls his eyes as I get out of bed, walking towards the closet. I allowed myself to get on pants before saying something, "This isn't a show, get dressed," he finally gets out of bed and walks towards me.

"Oh, being aggressive I see?" he wraps his arms around me from behind, and I couldn't bring myself to push him away… his touch felt too good, "I like that," he kissed my neck, and before I could even register any pleasure, I hear the front door opening. With a quick motion, I push him into the closet and throw on the nearest shirt.

"Rei? You here? I think we need to talk," I knew she was coming home!

"Coming," I try and keep my voice from shaking as I exit my room, "Yes?"

"Here, have a seat," she sits down in her usual chair, and I get the sofa, "Rei, about last night. Sorry if I freaked you out, I just… had to take care of some things," her words drifted off as she spoke, and I noticed that she began looking at me oddly, "Jesus, what happened to you? Have a rough night?"

"No!" her eyebrows raise at my response, "I mean, I just had difficulties falling asleep," that wasn't a complete lie. Her confusion slowly turned into a smirk – oh God no…

"He's in there, isn't he?" I lower my head, unable to look at her, and nod, "Well tell him to go home, Shinji wants us at NERV. We apparently need to run sync ratios or something… I wasn't really paying attention," she suddenly gets up and begins walking to my room.

"Wait, I'll tell him," I tried to hide the anxiousness in my voice.

"No, you just get in the shower – we really need to go," she opens the door and immediately slams it shut, "Whoa, sorry kid," she lets out a small laugh, "Hurry up and get dressed, we have to leave," oh God…

"I can't, Rei has my shirt."

The next half hour was absolutely modifying. Even though I was in the shower, I could hear the two of them talking in the living room, with him leaving slightly before I finished. I didn't hear a single word that was said, but it terrified me to what it could have been… please don't scare him off Asuka! The entire time I was getting ready, I was just thinking of what I could say to her to try and ease this situation – to no avail. By the time I got out, I didn't have so much as a single word to say to her.

"About time, let's go," she grabs her keys off the table and goes outside. I throw on shoes, tripping slightly, and follow her into her car, "There's no point in dolling yourself up, you know you'll just be in that LCL pretty soon," there's also no point going outside looking like a street walker.

"I'm sorry," that's the best you could come up with?

"What, you think I didn't know? Rei, I was gone for six months, you two either would have broken up or slept together. I mean yeah, I think fifteen is a little young for this, but hey, it's your choice," that answer actually calmed me, "And he's fifteen too?" I told her this already, didn't I? I nod, unable to speak through the embarrassment, "Seriously?" she raises her eyebrows, "Wow Rei, you found a big one, didn't you?" my face instantly goes red.

"I would really prefer not to have this conversation," she lets out yet another laugh, "Where did you go last night?" I tried to change the topic as quickly as possible.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," was she smiling? Why?

"I would never call you a liar," she looks at me with that same mothering smile I've come to love.

"I bought a shotgun and painted the inside of this car with my head," that's… something, I suppose.

"Interesting…" that was the most I could muster. How is one supposed to reply to that?

"Interesting? That's all you have to say? Wow, you really are a girl of few words, aren't you? Long story short, remember Jun? Yeah, he was apparently an angel – the good kind. Like, wings and a halo angel, not mind-rape angel. After showing me a few things, he brought me back down and gave me another chance. From there, I went over to Shinji's; and before you ask, no, we didn't sleep together. We had a lot to talk about… but that's a story for another day."

"That is quite unbelievable, I must admit… but…" she knew damn well what question I was going to ask, but she just had to make me say it, "Why did you… you know."

"Shoot myself? Because I just had enough. Every part of my life has been screwed up in one way or another. Every time things start to look good, BAM, something horrible. I was sick of it. Hell, I still am sick of it, but I have a new perspective on life," I can't believe how emotional I'm getting about almost losing her…

"What about… me?" she looked over at me with a confused face, "What about me Asuka? You knew that…" my sadness rapidly turned to anger, "You knew that I needed you. Did you even think about that?" She just looked at me with that same ridiculous face, "Forget about it," the rest of the trip was made in complete silence. As more time passed without her saying anything, my anger simply grew. When we finally got to NERV, I stormed out of the car and into the locker room as quickly as possible, "How could she be so selfish? She knows how much I lean on her!" my voice echoed in the locker room, "Jake was right, I'm more of a woman than she'll ever be," I finally get changed and head to the Units, passing Asuka along the way without so much as looking at her.

"Wow Rei, that was fast," Katsuragi greeted me with a smile as I get to the entry plug chamber, "I don't know if you know yet, but we're testing out some new software we installed in the Evas. We're going to have you perform exactly like you would in a normal sync ratio test – don't be disappointed by your scores, we know they'll be low. It'll be like that until everything is uploaded."

"Okay," as if it really matters. I crawl into the entry plug and Toji instantly pops up on screen when it powers up.

"Hey kid, how ya doing? Long time no see!" I was really in no mood to talk.

"I'm doing fine, thank you," I knew it was rude, but I shut off the comm link between the two of us. I'm here for business, absolutely nothing else. Unfortunately for me, the silence didn't last long in any sense of the word.

"Okay Rei, we might as well get started on you," Ritsuko appeared in front of me, "Like Misato said, just act as if this is any normal sync test. I can see your heart rate is quite high – please try and relax. I'll leave you alone," the point of her popping in was what, exactly? Ugh, shake it off Rei, just relax so you can go home…

My mind began to wander as I forced it away from Asuka. I was mainly concentrating on Jake… the way I see it, I'm starting to feel like all we do is sleep together. I don't particularly like that – yes, it's enjoyable, but what is the relationship becoming? Even further, what am I becoming? I refuse to be some piece of meat for him… but he's not like that, he's different. If that's all he wanted, he wouldn't have stuck around for five months waiting for it. But on the other hand, he knows he can get me almost whenever he wants me… when was the last time we even hung out without doing that? For that matter, when was the last time we went on a date? I can't even remember, and it makes me sick. I'm not going to break up with him – I worked too hard to get him – but I'll be damned if this is going to keep on happening.

"I'm not going to turn into that whore…"

"Nice to know what you think of me Rei," my eyes shoot open to see Asuka's face on the comm screen. When did she get there? "I came on here to apologize to you, but you know what? You're no different than anyone else. So from now on, we're roommates – that's it. I don't want you coming to me for help, I don't want you pretending like you care about me, and I sure as hell don't want you talking to me," with that, she disappeared, leaving me alone.

"Asuka, come on," I tried linking over to her, but she cut off the link, "Come on!" I slam on fist on the controls, showing anger I'm far from used to.

"Okay everyone," Ritsuko popped up again, "We're done here. Sorry, it took longer than we thought, but feel free to come out now," I couldn't have gotten out of there any faster if I had tried. One by one, all of the pilots climbed out of their respective tubes – all but Asuka. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, she finally emerged, ringing out her hair as usual.

"Asuka, I'm sorry, that was uncalled for."

"Yeah, it was," she walks by me with that dry comment.

"Please, talk to me," I begin to follow her as she made her way to the locker room, "I don't know what I was saying, I'm just having troubles with Jake."

"Oh, trouble in paradise? Maybe you should have kept your legs closed, I told you it complicates things," she said that entirely too loud… people heard.

"Asuka, shhh," she whips around and glares at me.

"Oh, now you want to keep it a secret? Maybe if you weren't ready to tell people, you shouldn't have done it. I'm going to let you in on a little secret, okay?" she leans in and begins to whisper sarcastically, "No one but your little boy toy cares about you. And even to him, you're no more than a whore he doesn't have to pay. You know what those are called?" with a small wink, she leans back up and walks away, leaving me standing there, completely mortified. People were staring, and I could hear whispers from behind. With as much dignity as I could muster, I walked towards the locker room, ensuring that I walked slow enough so I didn't have to be in there with her. I don't even know if I'm angry or not right now… I'm just so damned embarrassed. Did she have to go that far? I jump out of deep thought as an all too familiar alarm goes off.

"All pilots, report back to the loading bay immediately. Heresy has been sighted off the coast," now? Do we really have to do this now? I'm so not in the mood… as if I have a choice. I run back to the loading bay, climb back in the still warm LCL, and wait to be injected into my Eva.

"Rei, you and Asuka will take point today. Shinji and Toji have to change back into their plug suits," Katsuragi showed up as I felt the plug enter the Eva, "You should see it in the distance, but don't engage until ordered to do so, understand?" is simply nod. Unit 00 was thrown to the surface, and out of habit, I grab the rifle that was already waiting for me. Not long after, Asuka's Unit 02 shot up beside me, grabbing a rifle of her own. Look out at the distance, Heresy was no more than a faint outline of something tall in the distance – it's impossible to make out exactly how tall, or even the exact shape. It was more than a few miles off the coast, and at this point, it looks like we'll just have to wait for it to get here.

"Do we seriously just stand here and wait for it?" I can hear Asuka through the comm link, "Doesn't sound like a good plan to me."

"We're not sure what we're going to do yet. Our first priority is to get all the Evas to the surface – we'll work from there," Misato, as usual, replies.

"What of this new software you were talking about? What if it gets in the way?" I didn't want to talk at all, but it was more than a relevant question.

"We shut it down for the meantime. Your Evas are back to normal, so don't worry about it," as she finished the sentence, a massive dark blue aura shot out from the demon in the distance, resembling a visible shockwave. In an instant, the exact same event occurred no more than a football field away, leaving Heresy staring right back at us.

"Hello there, young ones," it smiles a wicked smile of yellow, misshapen teeth, and dust seemed to pour out of its mouth in clouds as it spoke in a voice that shook the earth. The demon took the shape of a human, but the shape is where the resemblance ends. The skin was of an ash blue, though the majority of it was covered in crimson dried blood that have obviously accumulated over the centuries. Seemingly random, jet black spikes shot out from its back, and smaller, less noticeable ones, were present throughout its torso and legs. The spikes were far from something resembling a machine-made item – no, they were primeval. They splintered all along the length, they were misshapen, and they were clearly part of some punishment. Heresy's head was mostly covered by wiry, long hair that almost reached the floor below him. One glowing blue eye and half of that horrid smile were visible. Its posture was somewhat of an ape, though its frame was that of a skinny, deprived man. All in all, it was a miserable looking creature, and frankly, didn't look like it was in any shape to fight.

"This one talks?" Asuka actually sounded quite frantic for some reason, "Like it matters," with that, she shouldered the rifle and began to fire. In an exact repetition of earlier, the demon vanishes in a blue shockwave and reappears between Asuka and I.

"No toys," it once again speaks as it tears the rifles from our hands and tosses them into the ocean beyond, "You two need to work on your reaction times," in a speed unmatched by any human, he raised up his elbow and slammed it onto Unit 02's back, forcing a scream out of her. I glance over to see one of those horrid spikes sticking out of her Eva's chest.

Moving as quickly as I could, I grab the demon's arm, tear it out of Asuka, and attempt to hurl him away. The attempt was in vein, as all I managed to do was open myself up for the same treatment as Asuka. He slammed his palm onto my Eva's stomach, and quickly dispatched one of those damned spikes. Instead of holding me there like he did Asuka, he hurled me over head and threw me across the city, my screams paving the entire way.

"These are what killed my brothers? Honestly?" he spoke as he began to walk towards me, slowly building up to a run. I tried to get up, but the legs on my Eva proved to be completely worthless, "Let's see if I can take one out, shall we?" he jumped high into the air, displaying that spiked elbow, and fell through the air in a direct path with my head. Knowing what was coming, I closed my eyes and hoped that it would at least be quick.

"No!" I hear a woman scream an instant before I feel Heresy crash around me, but something was amiss – I wasn't dead. I didn't even feel any pain… yet. Opening my eyes, I see something I wish I could forget. There, in front of me, was Unit 02's mutilated face, completely obscured by a horrible, horrible black spike. Looking around, I see her now-limp Eva straddling mine on hands and knees. Blood poured from its head and onto mine, giving the whole world a hellish red glow.

"Asuka!" Misato screams over the comm link. My breathing became erratic, and I knew with every fiber of my being that I was about to have a heart attack.

"Please…" I press the comm link button over and over, trying to get to Asuka, "Please…" I begin slamming my fist on the console, "Come on!"

A/N – Yeah, I know, I'm way out of the loop with my writing. Not what it used to be, but I'll get back up there, promise. Okay, be honest, how long did it take you to figure out I was writing in Rei's perspective? I thought it was a nice change of pace, no? Not too sure if I'll be doing that next chapter or not… we'll see. Regardless, expect another update by the end of this weekend. Check out the next chapter, Relentless; until then, keep on keepin' on!


	24. Relentless

Chapter 24: Relentless

A deep, painful gasp violently awakes me as my eyes shoot open and attempt to adjust to the blinding white light. I quickly found myself in a plain white room with an incessant beeping in the background… a hospital? I sit up and see myself in a hospital gown, completely alone in the room.

"Ow…" I rub my eyes, realizing just how badly my head was throbbing, "What happened…? Hello?" I look at the unmoving closed door across the room, "Where is… oh God…" I cover my mouth, realizing what happened in the battle against Heresy, "Asuka?" no answer, "Akagi? Ikari?" only the echo of my own voice filled the room, "Please no…" for the first time for as long as I can remember, I begin to cry into my hands. Even after the way I treated her, how I insulted her, and how much she hated me, she still gave her life for mine. The person I called a whore saved me, and for what? So I can live with that guilt for the rest of my life? Please don't tell me you're gone… don't tell me you're gone!

"Rei," Shinji stood over me and placed his hand on my shoulder, "We all owe you our lives. I know you don't remember, but you took out Heresy before Toji and I even got to the surface, and by what we saw, we wouldn't have been able to help even if we had."

"Commander? Where's Asuka? Tell me where she is!" he averted his eyes to the floor, "No! Don't do that!" I feel the tears roll down my face as he takes me into a soft hug, "She's not gone! She's not!" my voice gave out from the massive strain I put on it, and I could swear I felt the commander shake just a little, "She could still be in the Eva! You have to get her out!"

"Rei, we already did. We brought her to a room, but she was already… we did everything we could, Rei."

"You're lying," I manage to muster a barely audible whimper with my face buried in his uniform, "What room? Where? Where is she?"

"Calm down, there's nothing you can do, I'm sorry," he's lying to me! She wouldn't just die like that! She's not that weak! I sprint out of bed and into the hall, running by each room until I see 'Soryu' written on a closed door. Without a second thought, I whip open the door to see a woman lying in a bed, her entire body – including head – covered in a white sheet, "Please God no…" with trembling knees, I walk over to the bed and kneel down beside it, "No, no, no, no," I began to uncover the woman, but I knew instantly it was her as soon as I saw that hair, "Don't be dead, please don't be dead," I stopped as soon as I uncovered her still-open eyes, now gazing blankly at the ceiling. I whisper the word 'no' over and over as I cry into her cold shoulder.

"Rei, come on, there's nothing we can do," Shinji caught up with me, once again putting his hand on my shoulder, "She was an amazing woman, and she loved you like a daughter," that only made me cry louder, "You shouldn't be in here."

"Yes I should! She's dead because of me! Because I couldn't protect myself!" he finally got more forceful, grabbing my forearm and calling for nurses, "She's not gone! She's come back before! You have to help her!" another woman grabbed ahold of my forearm, forcing me out of the room, "Get her back! You have to help her! Please!" my voice rang throughout the hallways, obviously to no avail.

Three hours have passed since I saw her corpse, and I'm still curled up in the fetal position on my bed. The vision of her Eva's face being torn apart keeps racking through my mind – it won't leave me be. My tears have long since dried up, and now all that remains is a horrible pit in my stomach. Kaji is sitting across the room from me; certainly there to ensure I don't run off or hurt myself. He hasn't said a word, and has only sat there, arms crossed and eyes closed this whole time.

"Do you know what the last thing I said to her was?" I finally broke the silence, but he refused to follow up, "I called her a whore. I called her a whore, Kaji!" he still refused to respond, "Please tell me she's not dead. Tell me anything, please."

"I can tell you that she didn't suffer, if that's comforting."

"How can you be so cold? You're horrible!" he still had his eyes closed, obviously not man enough to face up to what he said, "Forget it," I slam myself back down onto the bed, "What happened? I don't remember anything…"

"We're actually not too sure ourselves if you want to know the truth. After Asuka was hit, you freaked out and went berserk. Even after Heresy was dead, you kept on going – we had to knock you out remotely to get you to stop. That's never happened before with an Eva… at least, not to that extent," silence once again draped over the room.

That damned woman… she was the only person who ever treated me like an actual human being. She didn't see me as some pilot, or as some emotionless animal; she was better than a mother to me. She chose to help me, she chose to take me under her wing – and what did I do? Completely betray her. I let my emotions get the better of me, and now she's gone. I hate myself… I honestly do…

The rest of the day was a debauchery, to say the least. Every single person that even so much as glanced at me knew how I was feeling, and yet they essentially forced me to leave when it started getting dark. Beyond that, it doesn't even seem like anyone cares! What is wrong with everyone? I know for a fact that I'm not the only person who cared about her! I suppose it doesn't matter – I wanted to be alone anyway. Predictably, no one so much as offered me a ride, so I ended up walking two miles to get home. Those two and a half hours were some of the worst moments in my life… that mindless drugging along gave me more time to think than I would have preferred. There was that first real talk I had with Asuka about Jake, and that time she actually offered and gave me a beer while we spoke… I couldn't help but let out a smile when I thought about that.

Entering the quiet house was more than I could handle, and I finally felt tears starting to roll down my face again. At least I made it home where no one can see me, "Anyone home?" I knew the answer, but in the back of my mind, I was praying to hear her voice answer me back. Of course, nothing. Really, what am I to do now? At least when she was gone for those six months, there wasn't a body – a small, childish part of me had something to hold onto that she'd be back. But now… I saw her. I saw her now-gray eyes, just staring up at nothing… that's going to haunt me…

Somewhere Beyond – Same Time

He let out a deep sigh as he rubbed the bridge of his nose, obviously annoyed. I couldn't help but smirk, because I knew damn well that they needed me, "Asuka, honestly? We can't keep doing this."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure you can't. You know just as well as I do that you can't let me stay dead… you know, grand scheme and what not," Jun looks up at me over his hand, still on his nose.

"Yes, He does have a plan for you, but that plan certainly doesn't include reincarnating you whenever you feel like dying! The first time was a grace call, but now? What do you want us to do? Everyone saw you die! If we step in now, it'll be obvious Heaven is on the Third Kingdom's side!" I didn't understand half of that, but all I heard was a 'you're completely right'.

"No, I understand that, but so what? Just wave your wand, flap your wings, whatever you have to do, and let me go about my business," he let out another deep sigh, "Oh come on, just get on with it. I don't need a lecture."

"Asuka, do you even know why we care so much about you? There are three other pilots – we know they could take down the… what do you call them? Deviants? You care about you because you're part of the plan! Without you, even if all Deviants are killed, it doesn't matter! And every time you die, you put us back tenfold in our plans!" I just cross my arms and smile at him, "Fine, as if it's my choice," he placed his hand over my stomach for about a second, and removed it, "Stop dying or it'll never be born!" about time he does somethi-

"Wait, what? Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up a second, what was that last part?"

"The prophet, Asuka! Stay with me here! We had this talk last time!"

"Oh no we didn't! You said that you gave me the gift to have children, not that you knocked me up!" he slouches over, jaw almost hitting the ground.

"You didn't know? How could I have been clearer? I said you were part of the grand scheme!" he got me pregnant without me even asking? And for the _prophet_? Like hell!

"Oh no! No, no, no, that wasn't part of the deal. The deal was that I go back and fight Deviants! Not have some miracle child!" he has got to be kidding! I would have remembered the part about me being pregnant! No, this isn't going to fly with me at all, not in the least, "You couldn't choose someone else? Who came up with the brilliant idea of making a woman prone to death the mother of the next prophet?"

"God."

"Oh…" He obviously knows what He's doing, "Well, tell him to reconsider! This is just stupid!" he still had the look of utter annoyance on his face. I understand I'm being difficult, but really, I refuse to do this! "Okay, listen, how about this? I'll do this for you, but at least let the last of the Deviants die off first – that's the smart thing to do."

"You don't get to make the choice, and I can't reason this out for you. What He does does't have to be explained to anyone, understand? Now, this is how this is going to happen, so pay close attention. You're going back to Earth, and you're going to _stay there_. You're not going to Hell, you're not going to get impaled in the back of your head, and, this part is key, you're not going to fight having this child! That means no alcohol, no illicit drugs, no over the counter drugs, and you're going to get help from that Akagi woman, understand?" I can't believe this is happening…

"Fine, that's fine, but I'm still going to be fighting Deviants. I'm probably the best pilot NERV has, and I'll be damned if I'm going to watch my friends die," Jun finally gets some aggression on his face.

"Asuka, you're not getting it! You're right – you will be damned. If you die again, we can't bring you back; we've already interfered too much as it is. If you die, you will go to Hell, and you will stay there! This isn't some threat, it's what will happen. Your past… it just can't be forgotten. You can be forgiven, but saying a few prayers just won't cut it. You're going to have to live your life, and above all, have this child," I finally stop with the aggression, and avert my eyes to the ground, remembering what I went through.

"Okay, I understand, I'll be careful," he took a moment before responding.

"I know we can't stop you from piloting, but remember what I said. If you're put in that situation again, you need to just let it happen. The death of one teenage girl – who is an abomination to begin with – will compensate for the Third Kingdom being saved," I couldn't help it, I really couldn't. In this vast, white, emptiness, the strike to his cheek echoed for what seemed like an eternity.

"Watch yourself, Jun. I'm doing all of you a favor – don't think I have any vices with getting rid of this child. We've taken down Heaven before, and we can take down Hell without your help," even after the strike, he kept a cold stare on me.

"I pray for your race, I honestly do," with that, he slowly vanished, and the white limbo gradually turned into black, and I slowly regained consciousness in my earthly body. I was absolutely freezing, and my head was pounding, but I was alive – again. And I was… moving? I'm on some kind of cart, and my feet are really hot… crap! They think I'm dead!

"Whoa, hold on! I'm fine!" I pop up to see a flaming furnace at my feet, and a person at my head pushing me in. He, of course, screamed and fell back onto the floor, "You were going to burn me? Really? I specifically said in my will that I wanted a traditional funeral!" the man on the floor stared up at me, jaw wide open, and gasping profusely. He picked up his fallen cell phone off the floor as I stand up, brushing the ash off my gown.

"Sh-Shinji? You need to get down here," he paused for a moment, "No, I-I know, b-but, it happened again," another pause as a smile crosses my face, "Yeah, she's st-standing right here."

"Hi Shinji!" I sarcastically yell and wave at the phone. Within a minute, the door swung open to reveal a whole panel of people: Shinji, Ritsuko, Misato, and Kaji. By now, the mortician has completely passed out on the floor, and I've taken a seat next to the furnace, trying to warm myself up.

"This is just getting ridiculous, honestly. You were dead for six hours!" of course, the doctor was the first to chime in, "I give up, apparently my degree means nothing," with hands thrown in the air, she leaves the room. Shinji lunged at me, embracing me in a hug that, quite frankly, scared the crap out of me.

"I can't believe this! What happened?" I can't even begin to explain myself, and really, I don't feel like doing so. As of right now, I'd rather keep the whole 'Virgin Mary' thing a secret.

"Don't worry about it. Listen, can I just go home? I'm hungry, tired, and I just want to relax," standing up, I stretch my arms over my head as I leave the room.

"It takes one hell of a woman to wake up like that and act like nothing happened," Kaji speaks, and the sound of a hand meeting the back of a head is heard through the halls – Misato. Luckily for me, they built this place with ample signs, so finding my way back to the locker room wasn't exactly difficult. Changing out of the horrid gown they had me in, I get into the white t-shirt and jeans I came here in. It's been six hours? It seemed like no more than twenty minutes… whatever, I stopped questioning it a long time ago. My car was exactly where I left it before, and the drive home took no more than two or three minutes, but just enough time to think about what I said to Rei, and I have to say, I feel like hell about it. I went way over the line, for absolutely no reason. She has every right in the world to feel whatever she wants about me, especially when she's basing it off fact. It's not like she was insulting me – I was an actual whore, and she knows that very well. I know exactly what she's worried about; she doesn't want a relationship based on sex. I never wanted to have the sex talk with her, but I think it's about time I do just that. Pulling up to the house, I could tell she was home from the lit-up window in the front. It was currently eight at night, so I was actually able to see the silhouette of her sitting on the couch.

"This'll be funny," I unlock the door and pop in to see her sitting on the sofa, television off and sleeping. Her knees were brought up to her chest, and she was hugging them in the fetal position… I could see fairly fresh tears on her cheeks. With a small smile, I sit next to the child and wrap my arm around her shoulders, "Hey Rei, wake up," she jumped slightly as she rose her head, looking at me with half-closed eyes.

"Hm?" she rubbed her eyes, stuck in the odd state of half asleep, half awake. It took her a moment of looking at me, but I could almost see the light go off in her head that it was me, "Asuka!" just like Shinji, she lunged at me with tear filled eyes, "Oh my God!" she kept repeating that over and over into my shoulder as she cried. It was a little awkward having her there – the most I could do I just put my hand on her back.

"Hey, calm down, I'm fine. Everything's fine," that didn't help in the least, she just continued crying. Maybe I'm really not the mothering type, because this is just awkward… I hate it. I guess it would be different with my own child, no? "Listen," I put my hands on her shoulders and pull her back, making her look at me, "I'm fine, there's no need to cry!" I give her a small smile, and she returns it tenfold, "There you go!"

"I just can't believe it… I'm so sorry! I'm sorry for what I said, for how I treated you, how I-" I put my hand up, making her stop.

"I'm not one to do this, but I should be apologizing. You have the right to think of me any way you want. What I did was uncalled for," she took a breath to say something, "I don't want to hear anything else about it. Life is too short to dwell on it," I send a wink her way and stand up, heading for the kitchen, "I'm starving, and something tells me you haven't eaten either. Cooking is far from my forte, so how about we order something?" I look around the corner to see her staring at me with a smile, still on the sofa, "Hello? You were all ready to talk ten seconds ago!"

"Anything's fine with me."

We ended up ordering from some hole-in-the-wall burger place, and it actually didn't turn out to be half bad. Both of us were understandably starving, so in reality, we could have ordered dog food and it would have been just as good. I've never been one to gorge myself on something so unhealthy, but a little treat every now and then wouldn't hurt, right? Plus, I'll be getting quite round in the stomach area pretty soon… I guess she at least deserves to know, right? Not like she'd tell anyone, especially if I asked her not to. Yeah, why not?

"So, I'm pregnant," she coughed with a mouth full of food, which wasn't quite the reaction I was expecting, "What?" I spoke through a laugh.

"Does the Commander know?" she looked almost frantic – this is actually kind of funny! "And why are you telling me this? Shouldn't you be speaking to him?" I could make this a lot more entertaining actually…

"Well, here's the thing; I don't think it's his," her eyes widen a little more, "Oh come on, you know how it is. A couple drinks in you, a handsome Hispanic man, and some smooth jazz in the background… it's really hard to say 'no'!" she gives me an annoyed look, letting me know she wasn't buying any of it, "Trust me, that's going to be a lot more believable than the truth," I take a drink of water, not really wanting to face the truth myself.

"An hour ago you were dead. Try me and see if I don't believe," she has a very valid point.

"Well, when I died, an angel – the good kind – spoke to me and pretty much said that I'm the mother of the next prophet. And that it's a miracle birth… like Virgin Mary, minus the virgin part. What I mean is that there's no father… also, for your information, Shinji and I aren't together," she looked at me for a moment, obviously reasoning something in her head, and simply shrugged before going back to eating, "That's it? I tell you I'm pregnant with Jesus, and you shrug?"

"Is it really that surprising? You've been brought back three times now – they clearly need you for something. And as for the Commander, just give it time. Are you still going to pilot?" she sure is taking this well.

"Of course! I'm probably the best pilot there is, I can't leave all of you hanging!" I stand up and pat her on the back as I walk to the kitchen, "Plus, I have to protect my daughter, don't I?" I grab a beer – which I put back reluctantly, remembering the baby, and replace it with a water – and begin to talk before she chimes in with something pathetically sympathetic, "Okay, you and I need to talk about Jake. Don't beat around the bush, I want straight answers, hear me?" I sit back down and look at her now blushing face – I'm not too sure if that's from my comment about Jake or our relationship, "Good. How often do you two sleep together?" it took her a moment to reply, but she must've sensed the seriousness in my voice.

"It depends, really," I raise an eyebrow her way, "Twice a week, minimum," wow, this girl gets around, doesn't she?

"Condoms must get real expensive, no? It's about eight-fifty a box, and there are ten in a box. So that's what, just under seventeen hundred a month?" she took a breath to correct my math, "Rei, don't play me. You said twice a week – no teenager has one round of sex. You _meet up_ twice a week, but something tells me there's at least two rounds, am I right?" she let out the breath and averted her eyes, "Thought so. Now, I know you don't get paid by NERV; your paycheck is forwarded right to me until you turn eighteen."

A/N – Seventeen hundred yen is about twenty US dollars

"I get a paycheck?"

"Not important. He's also fifteen, and there's no way he has a job in this economy – hell, most adults are lucky to be employed. Seventeen hundred a month adds up real quick. So tell me, where's the money coming from?" she still wasn't looking at me, obviously preferring the sight of her almost-finished burger.

"We," she took a moment before replying, "Okay, I was going to lie, but you apparently have a sixth sense. We used up two boxes, and you're right, they got too expensive."

"So you've been relying on the ol' Christian Rhythm Method, hm?" she finally looks up at me with a slight bit of confusion, "He pulls out, Rei, the Rhythm Method is when he pulls out."

"Oh… well then yes," I sigh as I stand up, leaving behind the water. She's a smart girl, she knows that just doesn't work! What happened to the sex ed program in school? Oh, they do that in middle school now, don't they? Hm… guess she missed out on it, didn't she? Doesn't matter now I suppose, she's learned firsthand. It's just the biology aspect of it she's a little flustered on. I grab a small handful of bills, more than enough to get her through a year even at the rate she's going, and re-enter the dining room, "Here," I toss it down on the table, "Use it for nothing but contraceptives, understand? If you need money for clothes, movies, whatever, come to me and I'll give it to you, but this is for keeping your body baby free."

"This is my money, isn't it?"

"Yes it is, but it could be my money, now couldn't it?" I smirk at her as I take another swig of the bottle in front of me, "I know it feels better without the condom, and now that he's gone this long without it, neither one of you will go back. You want me to take you and get some birth control?" she keeps looking at me as if she's the only one that knows about sex. As if I haven't been around the block a few times… hell, I've sprinted around the city.

"No, I can do it… thanks for not making me feel bad," I finish off the water, lose the smirk, and give her a look that makes her do the same.

"I wouldn't make you feel bad about the act of sex – no, the whole 'making you feel bad' part comes now. What do you think you're doing letting him mount you multiple times a week? I told you not to confuse sex with love, didn't I?" her shoulders slump over, and she once again averts her stair. I can't believe she's going down this road!

"I do love him, I-"

"Oh no, I know you think you love him. Hell, you might actually have those feelings, I'm not one to say. But let me ask you this," I lean over the table and attempt to get her gaze back at me. She needs to stop looking away from people – it's just not socially acceptable, "How often do you two just, you know, hang out? I understand that money is tight and constant dating is an impossibility, but you don't need money to spend time at the park. How long has it been since he showed affection beyond physical attraction?" her silence told me all it needed to. I actually do feel bad for her, regardless of how I'm acting on the outside. I understand where she's coming from, "Rei, listen to me. I know that you two supposedly love each other; it wouldn't have gotten to the point of sex if it wasn't like that. But your relationship is based on sex, and that's just not healthy."

"I know it's not," I heard her voice shake just slightly when she said that… is she about to cry? Wow, this must be hitting home more than I thought, "I don't even enjoy it anymore," she finally starts to lose it, placing a hand over her eyes as she slumped her head towards the table, "I like the feeling he gives me, but I hate how I feel afterwards. I feel like a…" she finally begins to cry fully, and as bad as I feel right now, I'm glad that she's externalizing all of this. She would have just kept on lying to herself if this didn't get out in the open, "You know what he said to me, Asuka?" she looks up at me with beat red eyes, tears on both cheeks, "He said that he's glad he doesn't have to 'wine and dine' me. That he loves how real this relationship is."

"So everything I'm telling you, you've already thought of, right?" she goes back to covering her bowed head, "Rei, I'm sorry, but this really has crossed the line, and you know it. You're a cute girl, and trust me, you're going to get cuter," her successor was knock-dead gorgeous, who am I kidding with this 'cute'? "As cliché as this sounds, guys are after one thing, and it's up to you to balance the relationship. Sex is great, I'm not going to lie – it makes you feel closer to your better half, and it takes a relationship to a whole new level. But when sex is all there is… well, this happens."

"I know, I know… but I don't want to break up with him. I still do love him, and I know he loves me, we're just on the wrong track," she'll be saying that many times from now until her adult life, but that's a lecture for another time, "Will he hate me for this?"

"No, he won't, not if you tell him everything you told me," she finally breaks a smile as she raises her head. I couldn't help but return the gesture, "Now come on, help me clean up," with a quick drying of the tears and a subtle 'thanks' from her, we clean what little mess we had in the kitchen and dining room. I have to say, I may not be the best at it, but I certainly am getting the hang of this whole parent thing I have going on. I'm able to give sound advice, and I'm obviously capable of caring for someone else… something I thought I forgot how to do. When the table was finally clear, Rei handed the small pile of money back to me, insisting I take it with no more than a held up hand – she's a smart girl, she's making the right decision like I knew she would. Going cold turkey on this boy is exactly what he needs to whip him back into shape. With a simple wave and yawn, I bid her adieu as I make my way to my room.

"Did you," she began loud, catching my attention without me turning around, "… mean that? About the daughter?" I broke a smile as I turned to look at her, standing there completely red in the face. I stood there a moment, contemplating what I should say – yes, of course I meant it, but does that really need to be said?

"Sleep well, Rei," I leave her with that and a smile.

A/N – Okay, my writing still isn't up to 100% yet, but it's getting there. A fairly predictable chapter in my opinion, but hey, it is what it is. I probably won't be able to update again until around Wednesday, I have a huge essay due on Monday. That being said, I'm not sure what the next chapter will revolve around, so just keep on keepin' on!


	25. Snowflakes

Chapter 25: Snowflakes

A/N – This chapter may be offending to some Muslims, and I apologize. Keep in mind this is _fiction_ – I am not bashing any single religion, only making my own mythology within this world. It isn't what I believe, nor should it be taken seriously.

I let out a small shiver as I watch the first snowflake hit the ground, melting almost immediately. The winter so far has been fairly tolerable this year – it's half way through December, and we're just now getting the first snow. I can't quite tell if that is a foreshadowing of things to come, or simply a sign of the times. I suppose it doesn't really matter though, does it? This time next year, for all I know, we could all be sipping mojitos on the beach, or, just as likely, be blinked out of existence. I've learned not to plan too much for the future; it only really makes things worse when they don't work out quite as planned. This isn't some pessimistic view on life – rather, a philosophy I've developed over the years. Almost every plan I've made for myself has fallen apart in some shape or form… though, I suppose it's for the best, isn't it? Everything in my life has been completely unplanned, and in all honesty, I don't think I've ever been this happy.

The young woman I consider to be my flesh and blood has blossomed since she entered her sophomore year – in more ways than one. That lowlife Jake broke up with her when she cut him off from sex, but really, it helped her grow in the long run. Yes, tears were shed for the loss of her first love, but it was going to happen inevitably at some point or another. Nothing two days alone in her room and a jug of ice cream couldn't fix. She was released for winter break a few days ago, signaling the end of first semester – surprise, surprise, she has straight A's so far. I try to congratulate her, but really, it has become quite difficult seeing as it's completely expected. Hanging the report card on the fridge suffices. Unfortunately for both her and I, it turns out that her puberty-driven growth spurt kicked into overdrive this past summer. She has boys all over her now, which has negative and positive aspects to it. On the up side, she has definitely become more confident and assertive… on the down side, she has boys all over her now. Nothing more needs to be said on that. Thankfully, after the incident with Jake, she has chosen to remain single.

Contrary to the beliefs of everyone surrounding us, Shinji and I have yet to rekindle our relationship. Not so much as a kiss has passed between us, and by the looks of things, it's going to stay that way. Even after I remembered our past lives together, he still doesn't live up to the man I once loved. The experiences, perceptions, and attitudes he's developed over the better part of this last decade have severely changed him into someone who could be nothing more than a friend to me. In my opinion, this really is for the better. Love complicates things, and I'd rather keep my life as simple as possible until Gabriel is born.

Ah, Gabriel… I've grown quite accustomed to the idea of him. Since the miraculous impregnation, Jun has shown himself to me multiple times in either my dreams, revelations, or even just descending into the living room. He's explained quite a few things to me, which led me to name the child Gabriel to begin with. It turns out that no religion is completely correct – Christianity and Judaism have tainted the true word of God over the centuries, and the faith of Islam has it the closest… though still not completely correct, as Muhammad altered some text. Gabriel, the angel sent down to reveal the true word of God to Muhammad in the Islam mythos, was actually a crucial part in the formation of all three monotheistic beliefs. He revealed the text of Qur'an to Muhammad, and he was the one that silently guided Jesus throughout his life. Hence the name of my baby boy.

I've taken the pregnancy quite well, if I do say so myself. I haven't had any serious outbursts of emotion, odd cravings, or even physical effects like stretch marks or painful back. Something tells me that's more of a Heavenly intervention and less of a Earthly one, but I try not to dwell on it. Jun stated that they will try to keep the Deviants from surfacing until the child is born, and so far, they've done a fine job. It's been six months since Heresy – which we aptly named Guelph – attacked, and my pregnancy has gone on just fine… except for the fact that four ultrasound machines have been destroyed when they were used on me. Apparently God doesn't want the baby to be seen until it's time.

"You're really something else, aren't you?" I place my hand on my stomach as I watch the ground become covered by the snowflakes, gradually increasing in frequency. It really is quite beautiful outside during the first snow – not a sound is heard except the ice crystals hitting the frozen ground, and the sight of pure white is nothing to be compared to. I've always had quite the tolerance to cold; it's just never bothered me… hence the loose t-shirt and sweat pants as I stand outside. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that I enjoy the cold… it lets you know you're alive.

"You know Asuka, you really shouldn't be out here in the cold. Come back inside," my shoulders took on the weight of a thick blanket as Misato draped it over me from behind.

"Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a snowflake?" she stands next to me, rubbing the bridge of her nose with a small smile.

"Can't say I have, Asuka. What I have wondered, on the other hand, is why you choose to be outside in the snow when there's a party and a furnace inside."

"Well think about it. You're completely individual, yet almost indistinguishable from everyone else… as a snowflake I mean. Come spring or even a heated car, you melt, and go on to join everyone else in a Nirvana. All is one, one is all, right? But us – I mean everyone at NERV – are different. We make or break absolutely everything, but we're just as similar to non-employees as we are to employees. It's a scary thought to know how little a person can impact the world, regardless of the opportunities they've been given," she lets out a small laugh as she puts her arm around my shoulder, guiding me back inside.

"You think too much, Asuka," the back door opens into my house, filled with friends and family all enjoying each other's company. Rei, though the youngest out of any of us – Misato's son set aside – is carrying on quite the conversation with Ritsuko and Gendo, and holding her own I should say. Something on the genetics of Deviants vs. Angels… I don't know, it's over my head. Shinji found himself a girlfriend; some cute little thing that's been at NERV for a couple months now. She's around our age, though on that I can't be entirely sure, and the absolute epitome of a stereotypical Asian girl, regardless of the fact that she's half English herself. She was born in the UK, and still retains the heavy accent – apparently Shinji likes European girls, no? Her name is Lauren, and the couple is on the sofa, sharing a glass of eggnog and chatting it up.

"Yeah, I know, it bugs the hell out of me. Ever since I got pregnant with Gabriel, my mind keeps wandering into philosophical subjects… I hate philosophy," I don't exactly blame this on divine intervention. Being the mother of a prophet has to come with some wisdom, right? "Where'd Kaji go? He was here a few minutes ago."

"He had to take Jiro home, it was getting too late for the little guy," it was only about ten, but I guess that's about as late as a sixteen-month-old can stay up, "So Asuka, Gendo and Shinji instructed me to talk with you, and I guess the sooner the better. They… well, _we_ think it would be better if you don't pilot until the baby is born. Just in case a Deviant shows up, we wanted this to be clear," I take a seat in the recliner with a smile, shaking my head.

"Nope, no dice. I'm piloting if one shows up, like it or not. I'm not going to let Rei fight by herself," with an annoyed sigh, she sits in the sofa perpendicular to the recliner.

"Asuka, she's not alone, we've been through this. She has Shinji and Toji by her side, she'd be fine," I lean in a little and keep my voice down as I speak.

"Shinji sees her as replaceable, and Toji has no emotional attachment to her. If they deem it necessary, they'd let her die without question. I'm the only one willing to protect her, and that's what I'm going to do," she actually displayed an overly confused face. I don't understand what's so hard to understand about this, I honestly don't.

"Asuka, in all fairness, you have something much more fragile to protect. Rei can fight – you know she's stronger than Shinji or Toji. But Gabriel… it goes without saying he has no say whether to fight or not. And if everything you've told us turns out to be true, this could be an extremely important birth," she's a mother now – you think that she'd understand where I'm coming from.

"Rei has first priority, and I made that clear to Jun from the beginning. Heaven has accepted it, NERV needs to learn to do the same," her face became more aggressive… I refuse to back down on this! Why does it even matter? The next Deviant will probably show up after I give birth anyway.

"This whole mother-daughter thing you have going on with her is important, I get that, but Asuka, you have to be reasonable. Gabriel isn't replaceable," I lean in and glare at her.

"And Rei is?"

"Yes!" she didn't shout – it was more of a loud whisper, but it certainly caught the attention of people close to us. I continue my stare at her, having trouble comprehending just how cold-hearted she sounded at that moment. I took awhile before responding, not wanting to start a loud verbal fight in front of everyone.

"If she pilots, I pilot. The only way I won't pilot is if you give her the same luxury of safety."

"You'd put Shinji and Toji in that kind of danger? Toji is a father now, he has something to protect too," I stand up and begin to walk away.

"Then it appears as if the conversation is over, isn't it? I'm piloting."

"Fine," I stop and turn, actually quite surprised, "We will put Rei on the same hold as you until Gabriel is born. Once you're healed, both of you will continue piloting, understand?" with a small smile, I continue my stride to the kitchen. I knew I'd get my way – I'm just that stubborn. After a moment of looking over the drink table, I come to realize that not a single item doesn't have at least a little alcohol in it and, with a sigh, grab a glass and fill it with water from the tap.

"I love eggnog, and I love scotch, but nooooooo, Asuka can't have any because of the baby."

"Yeah, well, a prophet with fetal alcohol syndrome won't be much of a help to anyone, now would he?" Rei leans on the counter next to me as I fill the glass, smiling up at me.

"Oh ha ha, this isn't cute Rei. How would you like it if you couldn't drink water for nine months?" she lets out a small laugh with a sarcastic face.

"I need it to live, so not very much."

"Exactly my point! It's horrible…" I take a drink of the lukewarm water, cringing slightly as I do so. Looking down at Rei, I realize just how old she looks for her age. Everyone was dressed well for this little event, and she wasn't an exception. She wore a plain black dress that reached just above her knees, and frankly, the simple spaghetti strap and v-cut are far from exceptional. However, something about the way she wears it makes the dress look like it was custom made from a fine designer… I know it sounds stupid, but she's the kind of person that just has that type of aura about her. I haven't seen her dressed up like this before, and I have to say, she could easily pass for eighteen. I believe they call that jail bait where I'm from.

"Hey Asuka?" she slowly loses the smile and replaces it with a worried look, "Thanks for standing up for me over there," oh crap, she heard? "But you don't have to worry about me. I'm fine," apparently she didn't hear the part about being replaceable… thank God. She knows of her true birth, but we haven't really spoken about it since she was taken over by Wrath. What I said to her in a fit of anger is what she knows.

"I know you are, but I'm still going to protect you."

"But you don't have to," she responded immediately after I finished, letting me know she anticipated my response, "Like Misato said, I'm stronger than the other two, and…" she began picking at the vinyl covering on the countertop through the awkward moment, "… and even if something does happen, I'm expendable," I really had no idea how to respond to that. What do you do when a child says something like that? "If I die, there's another Rei next in line," she began speaking faster, obviously uncomfortable with the situation, "I mean, I'm what, the fourth one? I'm not even really human, you know?" in an act that absolutely disgusted me, she lets out a faint, awkward smile.

"Listen to me," I grab ahold of her shoulders, making her look at me, "If you ever, _ever_ talk like that again…" I pause, noticing that not hers, but my eyes were beginning to water, "Do you really feel that way? Please tell me you don't think that."

"It's not about what I feel, that's how it is. I know that there's another 'me' waiting in line if I were to die, I've come to terms with that," this can't be healthy for a girl to think that way. But she's completely right, that's the problem.

"Yes, there's another girl that looks exactly like you next in line, but it won't be you. Each of the other girls had their own personalities – their own flaws, strengths, and characteristics. I'm not trying to sound like a movie, but Rei, they'd only replace your body," even I knew that didn't bring any comfort to the girl.

"Which is what they need," she smiles as I take my hands off of her, "My point is that Misato's right, you need to protect your baby," I stand up straight, realizing there's no arguing with this girl. What am I supposed to say? That I need her alive for my own reasons? What kind of life is she really living when she knows she can be replaced?

"I promise, I'm not going to let you die," I finally muster an obviously fake smile for her benefit, "It's not as fun as people say."

From that point on, people slowly filed their way out of the house as time ticked by. The little encounter Rei and I had in the kitchen was hidden thanks to the layout of the house, but my mind hasn't been able to stray from it this entire time. It's currently two in the morning, and Rei has long since gone to bed – I found my way back outside, once again staring at the snowflakes on the ground. That girl must feel exactly like what I was alluding to earlier; each snowflake is replaced nearly instantly as another one hits the ground. Neither one was more important than the last, and they did their job in the short life they lived… what a sad existence. And how am I supposed to curve what she feels? How do I argue a simple fact? Nothing about her argument is wrong, and nothing about it doesn't make sense, but the human aspect behind it is that she is a person with feelings, regardless of how Shinji and Misato view her.

The cold was finally getting to me as I feel my arms tense up in a shiver. I didn't want to go back inside though… too many things to confront. Too many thoughts. Too many decisions.

On the other hand, the thermometer read five degrees.

I crawl into the ice cold bed, which must have been colder than what it was outside, and try to get comfortable. This soon proved to be both impossible and unneeded, as the cell phone I left on the dresser across the room went off.

"For the love of-" I cut myself off, knowing Jun was watching. The caller ID read a familiar name I could have gone the rest of the night without seeing, "Shinji, do you have any idea what time it is?"

"You and Rei need to get down here, we think Violence has shown itself," are you kidding me?

"Damn it Jun!" I curse the angel outwardly, hoping he heard me. The least he could have done was give us a heads up! "Shinji, it's fine, there's a shelter just a block away from here. I'll get her there."

"What? No, she needs to pilot. You can take shelter here, it's safer that way," apparently Misato didn't inform him of our little discussion.

"Fine, I'll be right there," it's pointless to waste time on the phone, I'll just go against whatever he says anyway. I grab a hoodie hanging in the closet and throw it on as I walk into her room, "Rei, wake up, we need to go," she jumps out of her skin, still half asleep, "Violence showed up," her eyes widen, showing me that she woke up. Without so much as a word, she leaps out of bed and follows me to the car. That really is a brave girl, I have to admit.

"You're not piloting," as I begin to drive, she starts in.

"And you're not telling me what to do. I'm not having this conversation, so don't waste your breath," she sarcastically puts her hands behind her head in a resting position.

"Fine, but you know the Commanders will hold you back forcefully," she speaks in a mocking tone, and I swear it made my skin crawl. She's not the typical teenager, but she certainly has her moments…

"I'd like to see them try," neither one of us said anything else the entire ride, as we were both holding our ground on the topic. Fortunately for me, I'm the adult in the situation, and I get to make my own choices! As the car was lowered into NERV, Rei headed for the locker room out of habit. Me, on the other hand…

"Miss Soryu, we were instructed to escort you," two men in black suits approach me, one even offering a hand to help me out of the car. Playing along, I accept the gesture.

"How nice!" I follow them for quite awhile until we got to a more secluded area somewhere in a hallway. They'll wake up in about an hour with a mild headache.

Finding my way from there to the entry plugs turned out to be quite the effort. I had no idea where I was, and by the time I got to the plugs, mine was the only one not injected into the Eva. Great, I took so long that they're all already out there! Damn, I knew I shouldn't have waited so long. Getting into the plug without any help proved to be quite difficult – there's usually a step stool or something, but this time around, I literally had to jump up, grab onto the edge, and pull myself up. It took a few tries, but I finally got into the freezing LCL. Gabriel instantly responded with a swift kick to my ribs.

"Oh come on, not now," lecturing the child as if he could hear me, I fiddle with the controls in near pitch black until I figure out how to manually insert the plug. I knew it was possible; they made these things autonomous for us pilots in case anything ever happened, but we were never really taught how to use them. Regardless, I got in and started up the Eva fairly easily once that first task was done. Predictably, Akagi's furious face pops up on screen.

"Asuka! What do you think you're doing? Get out of there!" I completely ignore her. I'm really in no mood to argue right before a battle, so really, it was justified when I cut off communication to the Bridge. Manually using the elevator to shoot myself up, I was met with the typical sight of all three other Evas, just standing and waiting for something to happen. Predictably, Rei was the first to chime in.

"Is it really that hard to keep an eye on a woman in her third trimester?" she better not be calling me fat… ah, who am I kidding? It looks like I'm smuggling a watermelon in my shirt, "Asuka, get back down there, we're fine."

"Ayanami's right, there's no point in you being here," I just stand there, crossing my arms.

"I'll just stand to the side and spectate, how about that?" I hear all three other pilots groan, "It's the best you're going to get. Take it or leave it."

"Can't they just knock her out or something? They've done it to Shinji before," hey, Toji had a brilliant idea for once… damn.

"We would, but we don't want to hurt the baby," ha! "We can't argue about this now. Rei, Toji, just make sure to keep the fight away from Asuka."

"Actually," Misato chimes in over the audio link. I could have sworn I shut that off, "That was our bad. The MAGI picked up some simple seismic activity off the coast and sounded the alarm. There's nothing out there, everyone can come back in," I knew the defecation was going to hit the oscillation when I got back inside. Everyone is furious with me, but really, I couldn't care less. It's beyond just Rei at this point – I'm by far the best pilot out of any of them. Even if Shinji were to get hurt, I'd never be able to forgive myself.

After about an hour of lecturing from Shinji, Gendo, and Akagi – not a word of which I listened to – I leave the main office overlooking NERV to see Rei sitting on the bench. I am, after all, her ride home. I could tell she was exhausted, and rightly so. It's just past four thirty in the morning, and she helped all day setting up that get together from earlier. With eyes half closed and slumped shoulders, she follows me down the hallways and back to the car.

"Well, this was an eventful night, huh?" my response was a simple 'mhm', "Tired?" the same response, "Heh, I don't blame you. Me too," we climb into the car, and she immediately leans her head against the door and begins to doze off. This was the hyper girl ready to fight an Deviant an hour ago? Apparently adrenaline is one hell of a hormone to her. The drive home was actually quite peaceful – the sun was just beginning to rise, and the occasional snowflake broke the motionless landscape.

When we got home after what seemed like an eternity of driving, I nudge her awake and lead the way to the house. With a simple 'night', we both retire to our respective rooms. I thought, as I climbed into bed, that I really should have listened to what the three lecturers were saying, at least so I can debate it later. I caught a few things of 'responsibility', 'reckless', and so on, but hey, that's just me. I'm sure they didn't say anything new that I haven't heard before – they're always a broken record.

"You lucked out tonight, girlie," I let out a small yelp at the raspy voice. What the hell was that? I turn on the light on the nightstand to see a truly odd looking creature sitting on my dresser. It vaguely resembled a human, but the legs were replaced with a ghost-like fog. The majority of it's body was black, and six blue eyes – two vertical rows of three – stared back at me. No mouth or nose was present, only a profound jaw bone with apparently no use. The arms were those of an anorexic teenager, and they ended with five long fingers on each hand, almost looking like claws. There was a broken shackle on either wrist, and yet more chains surrounding its bare torso. What frightened me the most was the hair – a pure, black fire. Two, unmoving wings that looked like bones covered in flesh rested behind him… or it.

"I don't know who you are," I grab the 9mm pistol from inside my nightstand, "But I suggest you leave," I aim it at him, only to be met with a laugh from him. His voice was honestly something else…

"Oh come now, child, I wouldn't lay a finger on you if I could. No, I'm just here to talk," he gracefully floats to the middle of the room, holding out his arms, "Is that alright with you?"

"You can go back to wherever you came from, understand me?" I continue to hold the gun at him.

"You think you could kill an angel with a pellet of lead? Get real!" his voice has a constant mocking, condescending tone to it, and I absolutely hate it.

"You're no angel, I know exactly what you are," in annoyance, he throws up his arms and turns around. He really is quite the animated creature, isn't he?

"Yes, I suppose I'm better known as a _demon_ to you people. You know, I love it how servants of God are called angels, and servants of Lucifer are called demons," he turns his head and looks at me with half his eyes… hell, that's still three, "Ever heard of a fallen angel?" I always thought that was somewhat of an allusion to something else, "Your dear messenger Jun hasn't told you the whole story," I finally lower the gun, knowing he's completely right about not being able to hurt him.

"How do you know about Jun?" he finally turns back around and swiftly jets towards me, stopping right before my face. I was proud that I didn't let out so much as a flinch.

"They don't call me The Watcher for nothing, sweet cakes," he backs up, ending at the foot of the bed, "I admit, sometimes I get a little too close when performing my duties. The result? The role of a pathetic side kick in some 2010 video game about the apocalypse and what not, it was pure rubbish," he crossed his arms in annoyance. What the hell is this thing talking about?

"At least Jun can keep himself hidden," am I really arguing with a hell angel?

"Not the point," he points at me with that boney claw of his, "I'm here to let you know the full story, you at least have that right. Jun has mentioned the Third Kingdom to you before, has he not?" yeah, I always did think that was quite odd he didn't explain it…

"How am I supposed to know you're not going to lie? You are from Hell, after all."

"Yes, and manipulation certainly is my game, but I'm here on my own accord. I have nothing to lose and nothing to gain by lying to you, so you can take my word for what it is. Haven't you ever wondered why this little… thing is needed?" he points to my stomach in a demeaning fashion, "A war has been going on for countless millennia, and your people have been the pawns. The First Kingdom, Heaven, begot the Second Kingdom, Hell, along with the Third Kingdom, mankind. Ever since, the former two kingdoms have been struggling for power, and overall, it essentially turns into a stalemate. That is, until they send down their little prophets," he places a hand on my stomach, and I instantly brush him away.

"Don't touch me."

"Fair enough. You see, the Second Kingdom was created on accident, and the Third Kingdom completely betrayed God. The First wants all of us gone, like it or not. These little prophets of yours go out, preach an augmented version of a 'new' religion, and what happens within a century? Wars. Nearly every single war is caused directly or indirectly by religion – if it wasn't for this invention you people call 'faith', you could have easily overthrown the other two kingdoms by now. Your people are slowly being killed off as a result of these prophets, get me?" I honestly felt like arguing, but two problems: I'm tired, and he was making perfect sense, "Haven't you ever wondered why prophets are needed in the first place? God is almighty – that's not a cliché by the way, He really is – why couldn't he just send down his servants to convert you all? Because then that would only create a single religion, resulting in zero wars."

"So, what you came all this way to do is try and get me to abort the child, right?"

"Not in the least, Hell couldn't care less if the Third Kingdom lives or dies. It simply doesn't affect us. Even us demons, as you call us, have a conscious, and we think you should know the whole story. Believe us or don't, it doesn't matter in the long run," he begins to float downwards, into the floor, "Have a good one," with a single waving hand sticking out of the floor, he completely disappeared.

"Well that was the damnedest thing I've seen in my entire life."

"Asuka, get up, it's late," Rei knocks on my door, clearly being sarcastic… or so I thought, until I saw that my clock read twelve in the afternoon. How did he do that?

"The Watcher? What kind of ridiculous name is that anyway?" I mumble to myself as I lay back down, "I'm still tired Rei, wake me up in a few hours."

"It's my title you wench!" I open my eyes to see him, just a couple inches from my face.

"You're not going to leave, are you?" with a small, sarcastic laugh, he vaporizes in front of me, "Didn't think so."

A/N – An uneventful chapter, but I'm setting the stage for things soon to come. Overall, I think my writing style is almost back to what it used to be! Anywho, in case you somehow didn't catch it, there was somewhat of a time jump of half a year, and Asuka is now starting her third trimester. All of Jun's good-doing seems a little ill-fitted now, doesn't it? Well, we'll just have to sit and see… catch the next chapter, Pursuit; until then, keep on keepin' on!


	26. Pursuit

Chapter 26: Pursuit

"So, is anyone going to tell me why exactly I'm being put through all of this?" I talk to that damned creature as I sit on the sofa, him floating just above the powered television, "I'm not exactly the most 'pure' person out there."

"Yeah, tell me about it. As for the question of why… does it really matter? I certainly don't know if there's a reason He chose you, but even if you knew, it wouldn't change a thing," I suppose he has a point.

"Okay then, here's a much easier question – why are you still here? It's been three days, and it's starting to get annoying," he floats over to me with sarcastically laced hands.

"Oh child, that hurts! It truly does! What if I said I've grown accustomed to you, hm?" I simply stare at him with annoyed eyes. He doesn't scare me in the least, it's just like I said – annoying. I feel like he's always watching me… well duh, that's his name. My point is that it's a little unnerving to know someone always has their eyes on you, "Alright, but you won't believe me," he sings the last word as he floats back over the television, his back towards me.

"I'm being haunted by a hell angel named something as stupid as 'The Watcher', just try and see if I don't believe you."

"Remember that little encounter you had with Dante? Since he sacrificed himself for you, he's grown in ranks among the undead. Turns out he's more powerful than most demons are willing to admit… mentally speaking, that is," that's actually great news to hear he got out of the torture, I have to admit. Though I never liked him, I always felt horrid that he was down there instead of me, "He's become one of Beelzebub's officers."

"Beelzebub?"

"Oh, what the devil do you call him here… Lucifer? I don't know, the opposite of God, you know what I mean. When he became an officer, I just happened to fall within his ranks, and when an officer tells you to watch over a red-headed beauty, you don't say no," he crossed his arms in annoyance, "Personally, I thought he was talking about Medusa. I don't know how he sees any of this as 'beautiful'," he points at me in a condescending manner. I'm pregnant! What does he want, a super model? "In other words, I, my child, am your guardian. Guardian angel, so to speak. I have been instructed to do whatever you say," he bows in a jester-like manner. That certainly was a nice gesture of Dante, but… I can't help but look a gift horse in the mouth.

"So other people get real angels, and I get some vermin from the Second Kingdom? How did a girl like me get so lucky?" he slouched over… aw! I hurt his feelings! I couldn't help but smile, "How could you even protect me? You realize I pilot and fight against Deviants, right?"

"Oh for Heaven's sake… do you think I'm completely powerless? Yes, truth be told I'm a fairly weak minion in terms of brute strength. But what I'm able to do is much more important in your situation," he snaps his fingers, and the entire room goes gray, "I can alter time. Traveling back in time is an impossibility, even for God, but I have the next best thing. I can freeze, slow down, or even jump forward in time. Right now we're completely frozen – not even the atoms around you are moving," how is this supposed to help me? Thanks Dante, you sent me a pest that has the worst super power in existence.

"While that's cool and all… what am I supposed to do with that?" I pick up the remote, and 'drop' it, only to see it float in mid-air. Yeah… this is completely useless.

"Really? You humans can't think outside the box, can you? When you pilot those abominations, I can freeze everything – including the Deviant – and leave you and your… thing intact," I've officially stopped believing him.

"Okay, now I know you're lying. Why would you _help_ me kill a Deviant?" he holds up his wrist, showing me the shackle with a few links of chain still attached.

"See these? I'm connected to Dante. If I disobey him, I die – it's as simple as that. Just because Dante has risen in ranks doesn't mean he's on Hell's side. He certainly plays the role though, I'll give him that. You see, the way the rankings work, he has been given complete autonomy to Beelzebub. The Prince is so sure that no officers can overthrow him, he's gone and given them that power. Insane, if you ask me. Plus, supposing you do kill all the Deviants, as you call them, Hell won't fall. Yes, we will lose our position as the most powerful kingdom, but we won't all die. Only the Deviants," so, pretty much, The Water is Dante's bitch.

"Hold on, 'As we call them'? You have another name for them?" he took a moment to reply, which came in the form of a simple finger snap, putting the world back into motion. He vanished after that, and the remote falls to the floor, "Well excuse me…"

"Talking to yourself again?" Rei comes out of the kitchen eating a sandwich.

"Oh hey, thanks for offering me one. And no, I told you, it's this hell-angel-watcher-demon-thing."

"Oh yeah, that makes perfect sense," she's been having one of those teenage days today… "And here," she tears off half of the sandwich, handing it to me. Okay, maybe she's not all bad on these days, but she's still kind of a bitch.

"Thanks. You didn't see the remote fall, did you?" she raises an eyebrow at me, giving me all the answer I needed, "Of course you didn't."

"Don't worry, I'm just teasing you. I know it's there," she falls back onto the sofa, now sitting next to me, "I've seen it once or twice."

"You have? Really?" she laughs as she takes the final bite.

"Yeah, whatever it is, it's kind of a pervert. Yesterday, when I got out of the shower, there was a puff of black fog for a second," he's been watching her? "Doesn't really bother me, so long as it doesn't startle me or anything."

"Ugh… seriously? Stop that!"

"I watch, it's my thing! Are you really not getting that?" his voice becomes omnipresent throughout the room for a moment.

"Okay," she laughs through the word, "_That_ I heard!"

"Don't worry Rei, he doesn't find humans attractive. Not like that thing should have standards, he needs to take what he can get…" he grunts throughout the room in a final auditory act. I can't believe he's doing that! She's a kid for Christ sake!

"Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you. A friend of mine is having a small party tonight, you mind if I go?" while part of me hates that she dropped this on me last minute, I'm really glad to hear she's starting to socialize. She's never once gone out with friends, even to a mall.

"Depends – what are you all doing?" she paused for a moment, "You're a horrible liar Rei, just tell me the truth. What, alcohol?"

"No, we're not drinking. It's only going to be six of us, so-"

"Dank?" she looks at me with the face that screams ignorance, "Marijuana, Rei."

"Oh… then yes. I've never done it before, and it's the only drug I see as safe, you know? I want to try it out," wow, this girl really doesn't know the world, does she?

"Yeah, sure, knock yourself out. I mean, don't fool yourself into thinking it's completely harmless though. Dealers can cut it with any kind of drug they want – cocaine, heroine, meth, speed, you name it. Any idea where this girl's getting her supply from?" hey, my past can be useful sometimes.

"She actually grows it, I've seen it myself," ah, talented friend then, "So I know there's nothing else in it."

"Okay then, go for it. But, on one condition," I clap my hands twice and put on a smile, "Oh Watcher! Come out here please," he rises from the floor, shoulders and arms slumped over, "Care to go to a teenage girl's party?"

"Not in the least," he spoke slowly, iterating each word separately, "I'm to watch over this girl, aren't I?"

"Yes, and she starts to do anything stupid, do that whole freeze time thing and bring her back. By stupid I mean… let's see… driving, drinking, going outside at all, and if there's even one boy there, you bring her home. I don't care if she goes to a boy-girl party, but lighting up a doobie with one is a whole different story. Also, obviously, don't show yourself to anyone but her," Rei's jaw drops, and if Watcher had a mouth, his would be wide open too, "Hey, both of you have to do whatever I say, like it or not."

"How am I supposed to enjoy this with him watching? 'It's his thing', _remember_?" I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"Okay, you listen to me," he floats over and stops about a foot in front of Rei, holding up a long boney finger, "There is to be no 'giggling' had, and talking will be kept to a minimum, understand?" yeah, sounds like the best high ever.

"Whatever," she put her arms behind her head and stood up, walking straight through Watcher… how did she know she could do that? "I'm going to get dressed, it starts in a couple hours," I may not win any parent of the year awards, but I definitely think that I'm not doing too bad. Yes, under normal conditions, I'm not too sure that I would have let her go; she's just too ignorant. But, since Watcher is here, he can do the… well, the watching.

"I loathe you," he disappears once again, cursing me as he goes.

"Loathe you too!"

The rest of the night was completely uneventful, and even a little boring without anyone to talk to. Rei left the house as anticipated, and Watcher followed her the entire way. I'm glad that she has someone to keep an eye on her, even if it is a hell spawn. I'm currently on the ninety-sixth game of Snake on my phone, and quite honestly, it got boring after the third game. Television, however, has let me down tonight, as has Hikari. I invited her over awhile ago, but she was stuck with the baby while that stooge was out with Shinji having a few beers. I really need to get out and make some new friends, don't I? Not like it'll matter in a few months, I'll be tied down with Gabriel… maybe…

After what Watcher said, I've been having troubles coming to terms with the baby. If what he said was true, then having this child would be the worst possible thing I could do, wouldn't it? I mean, thousands could die in the long run because of him. But on the other hand, he's still my son… like it or not, I have a son. I can't just break off the connection I have with him. I may not display it to the world, but I've already grown to love this thing. I always thought it was stupid when people said they loved their unborn child, but now I definitely understand it. I want to see him, I want to hold him, and I want to watch him grow up… but at what cost? How do I even know Watcher is telling the truth? Yes, it makes perfect sense, but he's from Hell. I can't just ignore that. Jun won't tell me the whole truth on anything; only just as much as he needs to. That being said, I can't just ask him next time he decides to pop in. On that note, he must know that Watcher is in the picture now, right? Is he just ignoring it?

"Damn it, too many questions," even if I do decide that Gabriel shouldn't be born, I'm in my freaking third trimester. It's legal to get an abortion until the seven month mark, but I've always seen that as barbaric. They can think, dream, move, and feel pain – they're human, even if they're not ready for the world yet. I'm okay with abortions within the first trimester, but even three months is kind of pushing it. But Gabriel… Gabriel is six months along, how could I do that? I don't care if it would be for the best, I still can't shake the eerie feeling that comes along with just thinking about it, "I'm so sorry," I put my hand on my stomach, feeling like a horrible person for even thinking about this.

"You should be," I jump to the sound of Jun's voice, "What are you thinking about?" looking up, I see him in his normal attire of white robe and sandals, his massive wings framing his body.

"You know damn well what I'm thinking about," I go back to looking at my stomach, "You know about Watcher?"

"Yes, and I think it's disgusting. How could you commune with such scum?" there was nothing but pure hatred in his voice, "He's filling your head with lies, Asuka."

"Then why don't you try and explain this to me?" I finally look up at him, putting aggression in my voice. I've had enough of this bullshit! I want some straight answers for once!

"I already told you! Gabriel is the next prophet!"

"No, why is he the next prophet? You must have heard Watcher – he made good points. Why does there even need to be a prophet? If all you angels were to just come down, show yourselves, then all these religions would stop debating. Wars would halt, you know that!"

"Enough!" his wings shoot out, almost completely filling to the room as he yelled, "Your kind has gone against God since the very beginning! He sends prophets to help you, and what do you do? You consider murdering an unborn child!" so he apparently knows, "That demon speaks nothing but lies! If God wanted you all gone, you would be gone!"

"Unless He's not as all-powerful as you claim Him to be. There's no doubt He would like to see Hell gone. Why not just destroy it?"

"It's not as simple as that!"

"Why? Because He answers to someone else, doesn't He?" Jun's wings fold back up as I see the aggression leave his face… "Oh my God…" I widen my eyes, "I'm right, aren't I?" Jun turns around and puts his arms behind his back in an almost military pose.

"Yahweh – or 'God' to you – has always been, and will always be. However, there are others. Not more gods, mind you, just… others. We refer to them as Guardians, who are just as everlasting as Yahweh. Only Beelzebub and Yahweh have been in their presence, and very little is actually known about them outside of the minds of the immortal ones. All we – 'we' being anyone but Yahweh and Beelzebub – know is that there is some sort of hold. A hold on… well, everything. Heaven broke the hold by sending Angels, as you call them, and now Hell has followed suit," his voice was shaking as he spoke, indicating some kind of fear. Everything he was saying was so above my head, I had trouble comprehending it all.

"So then… what? Is Watcher right? Should Gabriel not be born?" he took what seemed like an eternity to respond.

"If it were up to me, that child would never see the light of day," he finally turns and looks at me with almost sad eyes, "Asuka, what you do with the child is completely up to you, but don't just go out on a whim. My reasons for not wanting that child to be born are my own, but it's not nearly as black and white as what you're thinking," silence fell over the room, as neither of us had anything to say. Nothing about the situation, nothing about each other, and certainly nothing about things to come… for me, at least, my mind was blank. I can't make this big of a decision on my own… I just can't.

"Should I trust Watcher? About anything?"

"Yes, but read between the lines. He's under the rule of Dante, yes, but that doesn't mean he can't tell half-truths. Just be careful," with a forced smile, he quickly dissipates into a white fog.

"Yeah," I put my hand on my stomach, feeling my heart drop, "I'll be careful."

It's currently midnight, and I've been sitting on the sofa, curled in the fetal position for well over an hour. Hell, I don't even know how long I've been here… my mind just keeps racing. I know I should be worrying more about Rei, seeing as how late it's getting, but I trust her. And even if I didn't, Watcher is keeping an eye on her. That being said, my mind is far from where she is, what she's doing, and if she's alright – I'm focusing on something far more important, though much less controllable at this point. In my heart, I know I've done the right thing, but in my mind… I'm a monster. I'm no better than the hell spawn I fight, regardless of my intentions. In all honesty, it's days like these that I wish Shinji would have never 'saved' me. I wish I would have just stuck to that life, and with any luck, I would have been killed along with Dee. That definitely would have saved me the heartache I've gone through since I came back.

Maybe Toji was right… maybe a simple hit every now and then isn't a bad idea. I mean, he even offered to help me out with making sure I don't overdo it. No, no, no… I can't do that. Like it or not, I have to keep Rei in mind. How am I supposed to preach what's good and what's bad to her if I'm down that road again? She's such an influential girl – it's a major downfall of hers. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if she followed suit after me if she found out. And even if she didn't, I can't expose her to that; it's just not fair. She's just a kid. But still… maybe a drink would help. That is, if I can even force myself to the kitchen.

I couldn't.

Time ticked by, and as the clock on the wall began to read one in the morning, I started to worry about Rei. She's been gone so long now… what, five hours? That's way too long for just a single high. Well, I suppose they could just be talking… I can't shake the feeling that something has happened. This is, however, contradictory to my sense of faith in Watcher. I don't trust him in the least by himself, but bound to Dante – and Jun even stated that he was – he has to follow what I say. So that means she's safe, right? A key entering the front door confirmed what I was wishing to be true.

"Hey Asuka, sorry about staying out so late, we…" she stood there with the door open, staring a time as she dropped her keys. I couldn't bear to look at her… she saw. She saw what I did.

"Ah, so the woman can make good choices after all!" Watcher floats next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, "You see, _this_ is what selflessness is all about! You could learn a few things from her, Rei."

"I can't believe you… how could you do something like that?" here it comes, her looking down on me once again. Nothing new.

"Since when are you pro-life?" I knew there was nothing I could say in my defense, so the best I could muster is aggression, "You don't know the whole story Rei, don't judge me."

"Don't judge you?" she finally closes the door and walks in front of me, "If you didn't want the kid, you should have gotten rid of it in the beginning! You waited this whole time before doing it? Like hell I'm not going to judge you!" Watcher, obviously annoyed with the argument, floats down into the floor with a grunt.

"Go to bed, Rei."

"You know what? What you did is murder, I don't care how you've claimed innocence in your mind. I hope what you did was worth it, I really do," she storms off to her room, topping it off with the typical door slam.

"Well, you can make some people happy some of the time, but not all people happy all of the time, I suppose," Watcher once again shows himself in front of me, "If I may, you chose correctly."

"Just leave me alone," I get up and walk past him towards my room. This is going to be a horrible night's sleep…

My prediction turned out to be completely true, with no more than an hour or two with me actually asleep. No dreams, no recollections of my slumber – just blackness. On the other hand, when I was awake, I would have been happy to been sleeping and in a nightmare than awake and in my own head. Everything Rei said kept ringing through my mind, and while I realize she doesn't know the whole story, what she said was completely true. As a mother, why would I care what happens to other people? That was my child; I was supposed to protect it above everything else, no matter what. Did I just use the excuse of 'saving thousands' as a scapegoat to get out of this? I mean, I wasn't thrilled at the idea to begin with… no! I did it to help other people! Yes, I'm supposed to care about my child, but not if I know for a fact he'll end up indirectly causing wars! That thought doesn't help me in the least… seven in the morning rolls around, and I was awoken from my two hour sleep by Rei knocking at my door.

"Asuka, get up, we have testing today," crap, I completely forgot… I have to walk around NERV like this? Rei's voice was cold like it was when we were children, and it made my skin crawl. With a grunt, I get out of bed, quick pull a brush through my hair, and head out. Like I said in the past, there's really no point in getting prepped up when doing tests – the LCL will destroy anything you did with hair, "Sleep well?" she was already dressed and eating an apple in the kitchen.

"Don't force small talk," she caught the hint and shut her mouth. In complete silence – at least outwardly – we get into the car and I begin driving to NERV. While there wasn't a sound to be heard between the two of us, I was screaming in my head about the anxiousness of going to NERV. People will probably stare, and a few might even say things along the lines of what Rei brought up… I don't care anymore. I'm going to do my job as a pilot. How I run my life is none of their business – not in the least.

Immediately upon exiting the car, I started getting looks from people I didn't even know. While I obviously wasn't allowed to pilot, we would come in every week for sync tests, just like when I was a kid. That being said, everyone – even the janitors – knew I was pregnant. Luckily, however, nothing was said, and I was able to get changed into my plug suit without any hassle… that is, until I actually got to the entry plugs. Akagi, Misato, and Shinji were all in a circle around some chart, and, thankfully, no attention was paid to me as I crawled in the plug.

"Oh, Asuka, let me help you," with a final glance at the chart, all three eyes drifted to me as Shinji made his way over with a 'helping' hand… great. Of course, the situation played out exactly as one would expect; they all just stared at me for a moment before the questions started, "Is this because we didn't want you piloting?" Shinji started off angry, but his tone changed rapidly as I responded.

"It had nothing to do with that. You wouldn't have been able to keep me from piloting and you know it. No, I had my reasons. Just drop it, okay?" he took a breath to say something else, "_Okay_?" I say it in a much more stern voice, but that was far from intentional. I actually had tears in my eyes, and my voice was shaking… God, I hate this. Thankfully, they left me alone after that – they got their test done, they did any probing they needed to, and I was on my way to the car with Rei trailing behind me within a couple hours. Once in the car, we got halfway home before Rei began talking again.

"Don't you find it odd," she was back to talking in that horrid monotone voice that she was just starting to get rid of, "That a Deviant hasn't attacked this whole time?"

"I told you Rei, Heaven was holding them back until Gabriel was born," of course, that's probably going to come to a halt now.

"No, I understand that. But they had to have known you'd get rid of it; in all honesty, I saw it coming, just not this late. If a fifteen year old can figure it out, don't you find it off that they didn't?" she… actually makes a valid point.

"I don't know Rei, I just really don't want to talk about it," my voice was almost pleading in nature. Pathetic.

"Of course you don't," that's it! I've had enough of this! I pull to the side of the road and bring the car to a screeching halt. I clearly scared her.

"If you don't like how I am, then get the hell out of my house! I do nothing but try and protect you – emotionally and physically. I'm constantly standing up for you to Shinji and Misato, and the second I do something you don't approve of, you give me the cold shoulder. Well guess what? Not everyone is perfect, Rei! They're not always going to live up to your expectations!" she just stared at me with wide eyes and a slightly opened mouth. I was screaming at her at the top of my lungs, but at the very least, I kept my hands to myself, "You want me to talk? Fine, I'll talk. Not a single doctor in the city would see me because of how far along I was, so you know where I had it done? In some guy's house who, I might add, lost his medical license. I saw Gabriel, and it's something that I'm never going to forget – he was trying to cry, but he couldn't get out a single sound. Do you know what it's like to see that? To see a child struggling, because his mother – his mother! – can't take care of him?" she just continues her stare, "Answer me!" my voice actually hurt I was screaming so loud, but I just couldn't help it. I'm sick of her attitude!

"I get it Asuka, I'm sorry."

"No, no you don't get it," I put the car back into gear and turn around, "You're so interested in what's going on in my head, and I wouldn't want to keep you waiting, now would I? I'm going to _show_ you what goes on," speeding through the streets, I eventually come across an all-to-familiar house, now completely vacant – at least by the looks of it, "See that small window up there? Yeah, that room is where I took my first hit. See the living room? That's where I spread my legs for some fifty year old scumbag for – and here's the kicker – a single hit. Just as a comparison, that's enough for a soda at a gas station!" I hold out my arm in front of her, showing the old cigarette burn scar, "That was when I talked back to my pimp. Is this real enough for you yet? Do you like what you see?" I was still screaming, but at this point, she's averted her eyes to her feet, "Every night Rei – I dream about this _every night_! Every time I close my eyes, I see some other man I've slept with! I see a dirty needle I shot up with! The disgusting things I did just for a high! I'm doing the damn best that I can – I try to make everyone happy, I try to protect the people I care about, but you know what I get? People like you looking down on me!" I finally turn away from her, looking at the house as I rest my head on my hand.

So many horrible memories… drugs don't block out as much as you would think. Night after night, I would see men come and go, all for me. It was all about me, every night of every week. I hated it so much, but that sure didn't stop me from turning tricks on a filthy floor with a filthy man. I became worse than any whore I ever saw on television… and it still haunts me. I'm forced to relive what I did every single night. I can't take it! No matter how much time goes by, all I remember is what I did! No matter how much fun I'm having, how hard I'm working, or even when I'm sleeping, there's always that little thought in the back of my mind of a girl doing whatever she had to just for that next high. So many years… I can't ever forget them, no matter how hard I try.

"You know Rei, I'm sorry. I've been leaning on you this whole time, acting like you were something I had to protect, and really, I was only playing mother so I could pretend that I was important to someone. That someone needed me. When time came for me to be a real mother, I backed out of it. Big surprise, right? Asuka let someone else down, what a shocker," I put the car back into gear and begin to drive home, "I used you as a pseudo daughter, and didn't even do a good job at that. I just need to stay dead next time," her lack of a response was all I needed out of her. When we finally got home, she made a B-line to her room, even going as far as to lock the door behind her. I can't blame her for not feeling safe… I don't even feel safe right now…

A/N – Not the most thrilling chapter, but certainly one to pay attention to. Things that happened in this chapter will absolutely affect things soon to come, so make sure you don't just write it off. Well, it's late, I'm tired, and I'll catch you all later. Keep on keepin' on!


	27. Flood Gate

Chapter 27: Flood Gate

There's really no denying that the relationship Rei and I had is now completely absent. It's not like we're not talking – we're being cordial and everything, but in more of a co-worker fashion than what we used to have. All in all, I suppose it really is better this way. I mean, she's free to do what she wants without having to worry about me as a parent. Isn't that the dream of all teenagers? It's been just over two days now, and it hasn't changed in the least, letting me know that this new relationship is here to stay. More than her being mad at me or anything like that, I believe she's broken away from me because of what I showed her. Yes, she knew about my past, but not in that kind of detail; no doubt she simply can't respect a person like me. Not like anyone could blame her.

Someone that actually did surprise me was Shinji. A few hours after I got home with Rei after our 'tour', he called me and was actually quite compassionate. He never made me explain myself, and never even asked any questions – he just called to talk, saying that he cared about me and wanted to make sure I was alright. In his own words, "I know you did it for a good reason, and that's none of my business. But if you need someone to talk to, I'm here." I absolutely needed someone to talk to, even if I didn't necessarily _want_ to talk. That night, we were on the phone well into the early hours of the morning, and it helped me more than I can possibly say. I didn't need reasoning behind the abortion – I already had that – but reasoning doesn't make you feel any better. No, what he offered me was simply someone to talk to: how badly I was hurting, what I was hurting about, and even what went on between Rei and I. It's times like those where I can see how I spent my entire life with him.

"Merry Christmas," I whisper as I set down Rei's gift outside of her door. It was only seven in the morning, so I'm certain she was still asleep, but I haven't been able to sleep well at all lately… hence me being up at this hour. What I got her wasn't anything special, but I hope she enjoys it – she's made a few passing comments about how her clothes aren't exactly the best, so I got her a pre-paid credit card with more than enough for what she needs. I should say, by the way, that it was purely out of my money; I'm saving all of her funds from NERV in a separate bank account until she comes of age.

"Hey Shinji," I decided to call him and wish him a merry Christmas, since I knew very well he'd be doing the same. As usual, he was at work, and I got the answering machine, "Just calling to say merry Christmas. Try not to work too hard today, okay?"

"Hey, sorry," as I was hanging up my phone, I hear him speak loudly from the other line, "I was in the shower."

"I take it that NERV let you have the day off for once?" I lay back onto my bed and get comfortable. Judging by our past conversations, I was going to be here for awhile… I'm fine with that.

"Actually yeah. There's only a few people working today – you know, just keeping an eye on things. And merry Christmas to you too, Asuka," I could tell he was smiling, and I returned the invisible favor, "How are you feeling?"

"Better… you know, still out of it. I don't really expect things to change though, at least not for a while. What about you?" at least he cares, right? He may not show it all the time, but inside, he's definitely a nice guy.

"Nothing really to say – things have been really uneventful lately. Nothing to do at NERV, Toji's always busy with the baby, and Kensuke is still stationed in Korea," haven't heard that name in awhile… I wonder how he's doing.

"You want to go out somewhere? We could get dinner or something. I mean, obviously not a date, I know about you and Lauren, but neither one of us should be alone on Christmas," Rei was going to some friend's house for the day, spending the holiday with them. So, essentially, my plans were free.

"Lauren? No, we broke up months ago," before I could even ask the question, he answered me, "We're still friends, that's why she was at the party."

"Oh…" an awkward silence fell over the line, and he soon broke it.

"Listen, I'm still getting ready, but you're right, we should meet up. How about I come pick you up in about an hour?" he seriously takes an hour to get ready? Even I don't take that long!

"No, it's fine, I can just drive over. I'll be over in a few minutes," thankfully, I've already showered and everything today, so all I need to do is change my clothes.

"Okay, whatever you want. I'll see you soon," with that, we both hang up the phone and I start getting ready. Nothing really fancy, but certainly not casual – a nice crimson blouse under a brown leather jacket with black dress pants, all topped off with a pair of short heels. I had to find somewhat of a middle ground when dressing, because I had no idea where we were going to eat. I jot down a quick note for Rei, tape it to the fridge, and make my way out of the house after grabbing a wrapped box.

"This'll be nice… it's been awhile since I've spent time with him alone," I spoke to myself in the car, glad that no one heard that. I didn't exactly phrase it the perfect way – I'm not looking to date him, he's just a good friend, you know? I finally get to his house, park in the street as to not block his driveway, and ring the doorbell. Knowing him, this door is probably unlocked, but still.

"Yeah, come in," I open the door to see him at the dining room table, sorting through some mail. His hair was still wet, and it looked like he hadn't even begun getting dressed – he was still in a white tank top and jeans, "Any idea on what you want to do?" I continued looking at what was probably a bill and spoke. I… couldn't help but notice that he was much more muscular than I remember.

"No, not really. Even if we just sit around, that's fine – like I said, we shouldn't be alone on Christmas," he finally looked up at me a smirked.

"It looks like you have plans," still wearing the same smile, he goes back to the bill, "You look good."

"Yeah, eat your heart out," I sit on the recliner, as I'm sure I'll be here for a while, "So what happened between you and Lauren?"

"Oh, you know how it is. I'm constantly at work, and I obviously can't tell her anything about it, so she said I was too 'secretive,' whatever that means. Doesn't matter, it was more of a fun thing than anything else," he finally sets down the mail and walks into the kitchen, soon exiting with two mugs, "Coffee?" I answer by simply smiling and taking it. He takes a seat on the sofa, with no obvious plans on getting dressed soon. Not like it matters, I'm sure we'll be going for dinner, and it's not even eight yet.

"Yeah, well, not many women can handle you," I give him a mocking smile, "You're not exactly the most open type out there."

"What's that supposed to mean? I'm very easy to be with!" he spoke through a smile, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I laugh in front of him, "Okay, sure, maybe I don't open up nearly as much as I should, but I'm better than most guys!" I guess he wasn't completely lying, "And what about you? Sure, you're nice and sweet at first, but you turn into freaking Samuel Jackson at the drop of a hat!" I turn into an angry black man? I suppose I _am_ afraid of snakes…

"Which is why I'm single. The last man to be able to handle me turned out to be, quite literally, a saint. Those aren't easy to come by, you know," I really do hope he speaks to me again soon. I'm worried about him…

"Hey, I was able to handle you for what, seventy years? I should have gotten a medal or something out of that," we both share a laugh, and both think about that life together, "That's ancient history though. Anything more recent happening with you? What ever happened with that modeling thing?"

"Oh, that? I just sort of lost touch with the guy after I was away for those six months. I'm sure he'd take me back, but you know, not really worth it. I worked that whole day and didn't even make half of what I get from NERV," something I said must have lit a light bulb in his head, because he quickly sat down his mug and came back with a plain red gift bag.

"I completely forgot to give this to you the other day. Happy late birthday," it actually took me a moment to realize what he was talking about, but then I understood it – my birthday was four days ago. He stood there with that goofy smile, holding out a small bag like a boy. Idiot…

"Thanks," I take it with a smile, and actually worried about opening it. I really hope he didn't go overboard, because that'd just be awkward, "But you really didn't have to. Hell, I forgot myself."

"Well, you're not always open about things like birthdays," he took his former seat back, "So I'm probably the only one that even vaguely remembered, right?" he didn't need an answer – he knew he was right. Holding back a small smile – and failing – I open the bag to show a long jewelry box.

"Shinji, you really shouldn't have spent that kind of money," I haven't even opened it yet, but it's jewelry – how cheap could it be? He just shrugs and motions me to open it.

"It's a little childish, but I thought it was cute," still wearing that damned smile, I open it to show a quite thoughtful gift. It was a simple charm bracelet, though obviously not cheap, with little cartoonish trinkets attached. After a closer look, I see that they were all NERV related – my Eva, the fig leaf, A10 clips, a couple angels, a plug suit, and even an entry plug, "You'd be surprised how hard those charms are to find. I mean, we saved the world, the least they could do is act like they care," this was actually really sweet… I loved it. He was right; it was very childish, but that didn't affect how I felt at all.

"Thanks Shinji, this is really nice," I throw the bag at him, "But you shouldn't have spent the money," he just let out a little laugh.

"It's really not a big deal, don't worry about it. Listen, I'm going to get dressed, think about where you want to go. We have awhile before dinner," with that, he got up and left the room, leaving me staring down at the bracelet. I don't care if this looks like something a teenager would wear – I put it on and was damn happy with it.

"Such an idiot. Spending that kind of money on a charm bracelet," I speak under my breath, knowing it was still worth it, "A sweet idiot, but still an idiot."

He actually didn't take long at all to get dressed, much to my surprise. He was always one to dress nice once he got out of that awkward early-teen stage; even in high school he wore a t-shirt with an unbuttoned shirt over it every day. That and he rarely wore jeans – only slacks and the sort. He didn't change much as an adult, the only difference is that now he can afford much better clothes. He wore a casual suit or at least a shirt and tie almost every day, much like Kaji, though more kept since his ties were never loose like what Kaji did. Today, he was wearing what was clearly an expensive suit and silk tie, and he looked simply amazing. A little bit of the charm is taken away since whenever I see him, he's already dressed nice, but still.

"Jeez, make my outfit look like trash, why don't you?" he glanced down at my wrist, obviously noticing the bracelet, but let it go.

"You look great, don't worry about it. Not like it matters, we're probably going to be the only people out today anyway," I suppose he has a point, "So, where'd you decide to go?"

"How about a movie?" oh lord, not him… "I hear that Robert Downey Jr. fellow has a new movie out," Watcher floats up from the floor as I bury my face into my hands in embarrassment.

"Yeah, I like him. Hey Asuka? Quick question," how is he so calm? He just saw a demon rise up from the freaking floor!

"That's Watcher, the one I told you about…"

"Ah, I see," he walks over to the floating being and pokes Watcher's forehead, "Interesting."

"Get your mitts off me!" I refuse to look anymore – I just fall back and stare up at the ceiling.

"So he just follows you around? Like a fairy?" wrong thing to say there, champ.

"I'll have you know that I'm one of the highest ranked angels in Hell! I follow around that woman because I was instructed to – no more!" Shinji took a moment before replying.

"Like a fairy, got it. Asuka, any chance you can get him to leave? I'd rather just spend time with you," without a word, I point to the floor under Watcher. With an annoyed grunt, he crosses his arms and floats back down, "He's still watching us, isn't he?"

"Look at his name. He probably already knows your birthday, pin number, and social security number. You'll get used to it… at least, I have."

We actually ended up following Watcher's advice and seeing the new movie. It was about some family with him as the father during the Angel attacks… a little late, in my opinion, but hey, it is what it is. It was clearly a B-list movie, and the CGI looked like something out of the early 2000's. Regardless, it wasn't exactly bad, just not great. It wasn't really my favorite thing to do, as we didn't get to talk at all – turns out he was wrong, and the theater was absolutely packed. From there, he had the great idea of walking around the local university, since all the fraternities and sororities put together this Christmas light special. I say 'great' in an overly sarcastic way, because it was snowing too hard to see anything, and on top of that, it was absolutely freezing. We only walked about halfway through before turning around and heading back to the car. On the other hand, that was a hell of a lot more fun than the movies, I have to admit; at least we got to talk, even if it was about how damn cold it was.

"Okay, horrible idea, horrible idea," we climb into the car as he complains, turning up the heat as far as it'll go, "It was pretty and all, but no. Just no."

"I told you it was too cold, but nooooo, you just had to try and prove me wrong! I'm never wrong and you know it!" through the shivering, he managed to laugh, "What did you expect? Ice is falling from the sky, and you want to take a stroll around a university. Great idea."

"Well excuse me if I thought you'd like it!" I see him take another look at the bracelet for just a moment before going back to my face, "Then do you have any clever ideas?"

"No, but if I did, it certainly wouldn't be that," I was actually just a little annoyed at the situation, but I decided to not let in on that too much, "Okay, this is really random, but I've been wondering for some time now," while we warm up, might as well strike a conversation, no?

"Something about NERV I'm assuming? You know I can't tell you everything," saw that coming from a mile away.

"I know, I know, but I think I at least have the right to know this. Where did Rei come from?" he looks at me with a faint expression of confusion, "Yeah, I know she's a clone, whatever. But who was she before she was Rei? She had to have been somebody, you have to have a base to work from, right?" he let out an almost forced laugh as he takes out his wallet, handing me a wrinkled, old picture of a woman with brown hair, "My mother was the pilot of Unit 01 before any of this started. Of course, the entire Evangelion project was still in its infancy stages, so she was prone to accident. The Eva essentially absorbed her – we're still not sure on what happened to be completely honest."

"Yeah, but so?" I go to hand him back the picture, but he simply points to his deceased mother's face. I take another look and literally drop my jaw… that certainly hasn't happened before, "You're kidding me…"

"The whole idea of 'Rei' is a little complex; you have to have a degree in biology to understand it, but from what I can take, she's essentially quite a few people put into one. Yui, my mother, was the basis, but there were at least ten other people," I hand back the photo, now feeling completely awkward and actually a little disgusted.

"And how long have you known this?" he could see my face and knew what I was thinking.

"Yeah, I know, I already thought of that. I found out a few months ago, don't even get me started," that really is repulsive, "I can't believe Ritsuko and Gendo both let me date what was essentially my mother, God," I could tell that even he was disturbed by it, "I try not to think about it," he once again lets out an awkward smile.

"You did more than date her buddy," I couldn't tell if that last shiver was from the cold or something else… "So if they can clone pilots, why have us at all? Why not just have a legion of Rei's?"

"They're imperfect. I worded that wrong… as a human they're perfect, yes, but as a pilot they're not. If she were to try and pilot a different Eva, her sync scores would be too low to even walk – Unit 00 was designed around her, not the other way around. And, as I'm sure you know, her Eva is by far the weakest one we have. So, long story short, it's both more cost effective and battle effective to find other children," there's no way he's allowed to be telling me this, but I didn't bother to ask, "Speaking of Rei, how's she doing after your little fight?"

"She's back to how she was when we were kids. Saw that coming, but I don't think she's going back. She lost respect for me, you know? Can't say I blame her," he took a moment staring out the window before replying, now locking eyes with me.

"I can, how'd she lose respect? We all make bad choices. She needs to learn that we're not all perfect," I smile and shake my head, not ready for his little soap box speech, "No really, don't do that. In all honesty, I think I've done a lot worse. At least you kept harm to yourself – since I became commander, I've had to lay off a few people. Yeah, doesn't sound like a big deal, right? Well, those men and women had families that lost their only source of income. I know for a fact at least one of them ended up homeless, and she had three kids. We all have skeletons in our closet, you know? Nothing can be done about it," I see where he's coming from, but I completely disagree with it. He was doing a job, I was getting high – huge difference. I decided to drop it though, I'd rather not turn today into an argument, "And she's not the perfect little angel she makes herself out to be either. I know all about Jake, the party a few nights ago, and everything in between. Hell, I probably know more than you."

"How did you know all of that?" as if I already didn't know.

"At any given time, there're three sets of eyes on each pilot. Two with binoculars, and one with a sniper – should anything happen, they'll deal with it. Each of the snipers are the best from around the world; the one that watches me currently has the world record for the longest distance kill. I think it's somewhere around five miles, I don't remember. So, in essence, there are six people watching us right now… minus your little friend. Gendo and I get any important information that may hinder a pilot. NERV put that policy into place after a few incidences between early pilots happened… you know, me running away multiple times, you doing the same," that certainly does explain why I always feel like I'm being watched, "So you should feel pretty safe," he got a look on his face that I haven't seen since we were kids – a look of mischievous nature, "Watch this," he pulls out his phone and dials exactly four numbers, "Hey, Dmitri, it's me. See that rock in front of the car? Do your thing, I want to show Asuka something," within a second of his saying that, a small stone, no bigger than my thumb nail, exploded in front of the car.

"Impressive, but it doesn't help me when I'm in an Eva," he let out a small laugh, "But it is comforting, yes. Listen, let's just go back to your house, it's just too cold to be out. We can still have dinner, but I'm just miserable."

"Yeah, no problem," he put the car into gear and drove off. During the ride, we spoke on useless topics, mainly so there wasn't a lick of silence in the car… I enjoyed it. He's in a great mood today – hell, great mood _lately_ – and I'm enjoying his company immensely. It's helping me take my mind off of things, but it's also just pure, simple fun. Acting like the ever-present gentleman, he helped me out of the car and into his house.

"So, I have to ask, what made you grow out your hair?" from what I can tell, he hasn't had it cut since I got back from Dee's house. When I first saw him, it was only down to about shoulder blade length, but at this point, it's gotten almost to mid-back. We both sat on the sofa, mimicking an action we followed countless times when we lived with Misato.

"Yeah, I've been planning on getting a haircut lately. I started growing it out after I realized you left – I told myself that I wouldn't cut it until you got back. It was kind of symbolic; remember when we were roaming after the Third Impact? You said that you hated guys with long hair, so I grew it out just to annoy you," I had actually forgotten about that… "As for why I haven't gotten it cut yet… can't say. I like having long hair, but it's getting to be just a little _too_ long for me. I don't know how you women deal with it every day, it's driving me insane," even I have to say, that was a sweet reason.

"That's a stupid reason," just because I feel something doesn't mean I can't say the exact opposite, "Doesn't matter, I think it looks good. Gives you an almost rebel look, you know?"

"Heh, yeah, but that's not what I was going for. You like it though? I would have thought you hated it," I only told him that in our past life because he couldn't take care of it!

"No, not at all. But hey, do what you want, not like it affects me," I stand up and head towards the kitchen, "You want a beer? I've been dying for a drink for six months now."

"I'm fine," hey, suit yourself – not going to stop me from having one. With my newly opened bottle, I sit on the sofa next to him as he turns on the television, "Any idea what you want?" I just shrug as I set the bottle on the table next to the sofa. He landed on a news station, blabbering on about the weather – as if we didn't already know, "Having a merry Christmas yet?" he spoke in a half serious, half joking manner.

"Actually yeah, I am. Nice and relaxing," neither one of us broke the stare from the flickering box ahead, "You?"

"I got to spend time with you, so yeah," I let out a snicker and roll my eyes, "No really, I mean it! Everyone else is so wrapped up with the formalities of Christmas that it's not even fun to be around them. You're just a really good person to spend the holiday with," I turn my head to see him looking at me with a half-smile, "I mean it."

"Oh shut up," I softly push his shoulder, "You're ruining a good day," I turn back to the television, but see him looking at me through my peripherals. This guy really needs some closer friends; he's too lonely… of course, so am I, so I can't exactly pass judgment. He soon went back to watching the television, but I'm sure neither one of us were paying any attention… this is so stupid!

"You know, NERV is actually having a small get together if you wanted to go. As far as I know, only a small number of people are going, but it could be fun," yeah, nothing like spending time with people who I've never met, "Misato and Kaji put it together for the people who had to work today."

"Yeah, sure, why not?" not like I have anything better to do. We're just sitting here watching television on Christmas – it doesn't get much lower than that, "It's actually _at_ NERV? That's weird," we both head out of the house as I talk.

"Like I said, some people had to work today. Misato felt bad for them, so she put this together," they couldn't have their non-Christian employees work? Eh, none of my business… that and I don't care, "It's supposed to be a real mellow get together. Should be nice," he lives no further than a block or two from the entrance, so the car didn't even warm up by the time we got there. As usual, that elevator took us down and revealed a small cluster of people mingling on the main floor with a long table of food and drinks off to the side. Before we even got all the way down, I already picked out Kaji, Misato, Gendo, Ritsuko, and a few other technicians I've spoken to in the past – though their names escape me. A light amount of Christmas music was on in the background, being played through the PA system.

"Hey, Shinji! Asuka! Welcome!" Misato, of course, came over and took us both into a hug, "Merry Christmas you two!" awkwardly, we both return the favor. She still treats us like we're fourteen… something tells me that whole mother aspect of her won't ever change. Not like I would want it to, just saying, "This is a pleasant surprise!"

"Yeah, we're going to dinner later on," don't tell her that! "Thought we might stop by and mingle for a bit."

"Well help yourself to the food if you want. Drinks are over there. You two deserve a little R and R," with a small wink at Shinji for reasons I'd rather not even think about, she takes her place back next to Kaji.

"Ah, Shinji, Soryu, welcome," Gendo, always the proper man, walks over and shakes his son's hand. Apparently a handshake is as far as their relationship has grown in the past four and a half years… eh, huge improvement from when I first saw them, "Having a pleasant day, I hope?"

"Yeah, minus the freezing weather," like I said, I've always been fine with the cold, but this is just abnormally cold for Japan, "You?"

"It'd be better if I didn't have to work today," he glares over at Shinji, "You take the next holiday."

"Hey, you drew the short straw, it wasn't my fault," they drew straws on who would work? Knowing Shinji, he probably rigged it somehow! "And plus, I ended up coming today anyway, doesn't that mean anything," Gendo's look gave a resounding 'no', "Fine, fine, I'll take over your birthday, how about that?" with a soft sigh, he turns and heads back to the group.

"Wow, you two must fight like cats and dogs," I can't imagine what it's like having both of them as commanders at the same time.

"Not really, I think we actually balance each other out. He makes all the major decisions on finances and pilots, and I take over any political nonsense. I also keep him in place with situations that need a little more… emotion behind it, such as difficult decisions during battle," that actually seems like a fairly nice symbiotic relationship. Not exactly father-son material, but I suppose it's as good as it's going to get for them, "You hungry?" before I could even take a breath to answer, a familiar voice comes over the PA system.

"Okay everybody, find yourself a partner, it's time for a slow dance!" the ever obnoxious Kaji spoke over the system, and I see him stories above us in Gendo's office with a microphone in hand… how did he get up there? Wasn't he just with Misato? Through some mumbling in the crowd, everyone – Misato aside, who had an annoyed look on her face – found a partner to share the new, mellow music with. To my surprise, Gendo and Ritsuko actually got together… I didn't know they had a thing going. Hell, knowing those two, it's probably nothing more than a case of friends with benefits, "That means you, too!" with that stupid smile on his face, he points down at Shinji and I. Shinji laughs and waves his hands in the hair, giving a physical 'no'.

"Oh come here, he won't stop until we do," surprising Shinji and myself, I take his hand and force him into the typical dance position, "You know Kaji, he'd just stay up there and yell at us."

"Yeah, but…"

"Shut up, you're ruining the music," and my composure.

"Sorry," ugh, I thought he kicked that habit? Whatever, not like it matters now. I glance over to see Kaji and Misato together like a nice married couple… wait, what? How'd he get down here so fast? He sends a wink my way, and I just roll my eyes. Idiot… "I didn't know you knew how to dance," as if it's hard.

"I had to learn young – Germany is huge in this kind of thing. Music, dance, paintings… pretty much anything in the arts. My stepmother taught me," to be quite honest, I'm surprised he knew how also, but I decided to just leave it alone. We stopped talking from that point on, and just enjoyed each other's company to the extent that we could. I've lost track of how long we've been like this, and frankly, I'm sure that quite a few songs have ticked by… I don't mind. We both eventually grew accustomed to this position, and over time, became more comfortable with it. We were currently much closer than we really needed to be, and I felt awkward all over. But it was nice.

"Hey, Asuka?"

"You would ruin the quite, wouldn't you?" we were both whispering, as there wasn't a sound to be heard aside from the music in the room.

"Sorry," our eyes locked, and that stupid small smile of his was plastered on. He was quite a bit taller than me – at least three inches – so looking up felt just a little odd… but looking at _him_, that's a different story. Ugh… what are you doing Asuka? You've been down this road before – many times, "I'm glad we could spend the day together," he's not helping in the least.

"Yeah… me too," my smile didn't help the case either. His hands moved from my hips to my back, and I instinctively move just a little closer to him. Stop it! This isn't supposed to happen again! "Me too…" at this point, we stopped dancing, and only stared into each other's eyes. There weren't any people around, there wasn't any music, and there wasn't any NERV – it was just us… I hated that I loved it.

"You okay?" he whispered down to me, but at this point, he already knew the answer. Frankly, so did I.

"You're such an idiot," I move my hands from his shoulders to either side of his face, and just stare at the man in front of me, "I hate you," almost painfully slowly, our lips finally meet.

A/N – Awwwww, how sweet! Well, this is my 'Merry Christmas' to you all. Show a little love back and shoot over some reviews! Let me know what you all are thinking! Have a happy Christmahaunikwanzika, praise the lord, glory to Allah, hail Satan, or however you roll, have a happy holidays. Not a clue as to what the next chapter will hold, so peace out, and keep on keepin' on!


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